Aunt Agony 190605

Again... the qualification issue. The war between lower qualification man and higher qualification woman. Question is... is that all-mighty important?

Why? Why you may think women prefers man with higher qualification than them? The reason is very simple: the investment theory. Back to basis, every women sees relationship as a form of investment; this investment we are talking about goes beyond the paid expense of the man's version in a relationship. We are talking about biological aging, emotional investment, sex-related thingy (even pregnancy), etc.

Qualification is a measurement of potential success the man can achieve. Obviously, it doesn't mean the man could definitely do well in life, it simply suggest the potential success of a man. Because of that, this man exuded alot of security on his part AND women, being highly affected by the investment theory, usually consider alot of security on her part to make the commitment affair (Especially Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn).

Also, why woman prefer guys who are average joe-looking (or even worse)?

Security; of all levels. (Inferior woman never feel good about themselves; they feel that they are too fat, single eye-lid, small cup size, etc. This 'security' effect is triggered and they fear that having good-looking bf is emotionally taxing through jealousy, fear of losing them to a third party, etc).

***

Obviously there are things more important than the above examples. In very simple terms, it is your personal attributes that score points for the relationship, or at least the love/respect for you. However, this is heavily moderated by her own preception of what's important to her. E.g. If you have a woman that needs the constant loves-showering, to satisfy this emotional needs is more important than say qualification. (Especially Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces). Another example would be, if your woman rank material needs as first priority, being able to bring good income serve more sense than say being a SNAG boyfriend.

In CloUdiSm, this is phenomenon is called Suitability - something I often stress on, about looking at the same direction and not at each other in love. In Marketing, we talk about satisfying your customers needs; in relationship we talk about the same needs to be satisfied mutually.

You can actually turn this negative situation into a powerful positive force that could drive you into trying to excel in your life. Love can be the motivator, however, if it causes you to fail your relationship for any reasons, FAILURE retains that memory painfully stronger and deeper.

P.S: Banish your sense of despair. If you have the drive to strive and work towards your career, that's the best cert you could have. We call those thingy 'Shang Jing Xing.'

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 150606

Quote:

Originally posted by fairyprincess:
my bf and i have been together for almost 4 years.
i love him dearly but he's not exactly the boyfriend anyone wants.

he lied to me for 3 years about this girl he used to like. i forgave him for that. 2 years ago, when he was in the army, he hit me at the slightest thing. i forgave him for that too. after army, he stopped hitting me - he claims its the stress.

anyway, i can tolerate all that but his temper is getting to me. he needs to win at everything. i accomodate him by playing all kinds of arcade, online, rpg games with him (i do enjoy them to a certain extent). but if i win him, he gets angry and if i joke that he's a sore loser - he gets angry too.

i understand how pride is to a guy but is pride everything? i give in to him for everything. he NEVER apologises, even when i'm right, i apologise just so that we'll stop quarreling. i admit i do have my faults as well - nobody's perfect. the thing is - he demands a perfect girlfriend.. and when i can't meet up to his "expectations";, he will demand that i change to what he wants.

he has never given in to me all this while. after a quarrel, we will have a cold war as he will not want to talk to me. i leave him alone to cool down till the next day. but when he calls the next day he will demand i reach his house by a certain time if not i'll "get it from him"

the thing is, i could never bring myself to leave him. maybe cos' everytime he calls i could never have the heart to reject him. i'm gg to australia to study at the end of this month and he's supposed to follow - he has not paid for his fees yet though. i would love for him to go, but sometimes i feel that if he doesn't, maybe i can escape from all this.

i know i should face it and not escape but i don't know how long i can take this from him. i only have a week to decide if he should go with me cos' my parents are gg too and they expect him to go too. advice anyone? thanks

Very strong hint of male chauvinist personality in relationship; strong pride is but a partial product of this effect. Autocratic - with him, demanding to be on the receiving end and implanting idealogy into the relationship. Obviously, it wouldn't work this way, you probably felt how meaningless this relationship has grown to be, despite the fact that you have been together with him for four years.

Is it the length of relationship... Or the call of duty... that made you stay? You can even tolerate violence in relationship; ARE you SURE that what has happen regarding the way he treated you is the ACT of love? Of someone behaving to other in love?

You are in a karmic relationship; outsider don't understand this. (He's probably astrologically intercepted in 5th/7th house)

If you are already hoping that you could go overseas without him, needing that rest-time, I can tell you frankly that during the process of your study there, your relationship will definitely crumble and fall. How much endurance/perseverance can one relationship be, like yours? With such weak bonds, holding on by mere blinded love, your relationship won't be able to survive challenges like this.

With clarity and renew courage, you could probably find the neccessary element to sever the relationship by then.

So my question is, if everything else is so chaotic, why are you still opting for the mess? Thinking that what I have mention above is baseless? Ok, if you could go overseas without him and come back, with your relationship still intact, lunch is on me. Add dinner, or anything you want. It's so predictable because people don't want to make decision for their relationship and because people hate making decision, the relationship falls under the predictable state.

They rather allow circumstances to make decision for them and not taking lead to solve or end problems.

In the end, you lose the relationship because circumstances brings you no choice, not because you had a choice. The difference between ending it now and later, say if the above scenario really took place, is that ONE is the result of wisdom and the other the cause of fate.

I may be fringing` chim or speaking like Greek to you because currently you may not fully understand what this post is trying to tell you until you have been there, done that. Because according to your topic 'Miserable and lost' - you can only be 'peaceful and found' when you make proper decisions for that to happen. Cycle repeats; your suffering continues until you make decent decision for your relationship (To end a relationship doesn't mean evil, sometimes, it can be a loving thing).

P.S: Is your bf a Leo, Capricorn, Virgo or Scorpio?

Cheers

Flashback 190506

Quote:

Originally posted by jayne:
i dun wana hate him, really.. but seems like if i dun, i find it real hard to get on wif mi daes.. cos smtimes memories will js cm flooding bck to mi, & i find it difficult to get bck on mi feet again.. smtimes i js wana hide & cry till mi tears turn red..

yes, i admit im too posessive.. i hope he can spent his free time wif mi.. but i am ok if he needs to go out wif frens, js let mi noe 1st so i dun plan anythg..

i got feedbck fr one of his ex-colleagues smtime ago tt smtimes he sees him very stress.. he says tt smtimes work requires OT & he has to choose b/w work & mi.. i admit i dun quite like him working too late cos he has bck problems but if he chooses work instead of meeting mi, i will respect his choice, thou i will kick a fuss..

i admit im a fuss maker, hard to pls.. but 4 yrs has past, he din say a thg.. but i noe miself.. i tried to change a few times, but i guess it wasnt wat he wanted.. so he packed up & left..

i cant believe he went to the extend as to move, cut his line & change job, js to avoid mi.. i cant believe he nv even consider mi feelings! he said in his last msg tt he knew i wld cry, but hes sori.. nvm abt the past, dun matter who rite who wrong, js move on.. he aso says he cant provide 4 mi, cos he has his aged parents at home to feed.. so js let go..

That's the EXACT fault of virtually most couple out there - by keeping mum or not saying anything DOESN'T mean it wouldn't affect the relationship. He could be silent about his feelings on this issue because it's like compromising on his part (although silent compromising is one of the least appreciated qualities around).

Remember that fat kid we used to 'suan' when we were younger? About his size and all? You THINK it wouldn't affect him? He could be cool about it, but it actually does affect his esteem.

No difference.

It seemed that your ex-boyfriend might want the relationship, yet doesn't really know what he truly wants or how he might want to steer the relationship. In the past (possibly now as well, not time has not pass to confirm this), he created a series of drama just to stimulate this thinking. It's so classic. Every guy out there who is having this problem, WILL artifically inject certain tension in the relationship just to stimulate thinking.

Then, he got his answer. He may decide his course now: the course to leave you. There are infinite reasons and of course, you and I know that these are bullsh!ts. The actual reason lies with his ego and his psyche.

I) The Ego of a man who is unable to provide very much for his love will in turn reject love to allow her to seek for greener pasture. When Uranus is strong and afflict Sun, this ego is difficult to manage. There are many man with relatively lower esteem will see themselves as 'no future' man. They want their partner to have better life, but failed to see this as a motivating factor to excel in life.

II) His love for you may have vanished long ago OR the desire to leave the relationship. But there are simply no great deal of a reason for him to end it. He may be dragging it, thus always opting for your exam period to annouce the news. Reason is simple: you will be too busy to find him and he could also avoid seeing you this period.

Do you remember this overly used phrase 'You can't force love unto someone'? IF he is not willing to be in a relationship (regardless of the length of time together), then its completely unneccessary to play 'catching' and go through the extra miles just to catch him back. The rules of 'Catching' only applies to THOSE who WANTS to play them; try catching those bystander who happen to pass by - they will NOT follow you to 'jail'.

P.S: If you got to move, you got to move. You can't wait for circumstances to force movement into you (Esp. Taurus, Scorpio, Leo, Aquarius). If that ever happenes, you would either bleed to death or your tears will fill a river.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 070605

Quote:

Originally posted by pinksnowie:
I know my current bf thru a mutual friend.

Both of us just broke off with our exes... And we were sorta keeping each other company, lending shoulders to cry and listening ears. After a very short while, we fell in love with each other. And we have been together till now...

we have been together for 4mths. Somehow I cant help thinking about his previous relationship. Cos he loved his ex alot, even proposed to her and she agreed. And they had been together for abt 4yrs! And he even cried when he talked about her (when we were just friends)... Sometime I wonder why I worry so much. Sometime I am worried cos I love him alot and dont want to lose him...

Another thing is, he has wandering eyes and sometimes his eyes will follow wherever the girls go. According to some of my friends, I should just let him see the girls. I know I cant restrict him to keep his eyes on me, but why should he keeps his eyes on them wherever they go? I told him how I feel. He said he is only just looking, not thinking of them (to me, oogling them is bad, must lest the thinking of them!). And he also says he can only look and cannot touch them, so why should I mind so much? From then onwards, whenever I mention a beautiful person, he will say he dont dare to see lest I am jealous. Erm... So what does this mean?

Conclusion: Both of us are madly in love with each other. I am more vocal in my feelings, and he will say I am too sensitive or paranoid. I dont want to be seem as so, yet I cant control expressing my feelings... And I want to get rid of these insecurities and he is not helping... What should I do?

What's completely secured? Is there such a thing? Even the 'Best Love' you could hold this lifetime could never give you a 100% security.

You two had just left your individual relationship shortly before coming together; let me reassure you that it would be impossible for him to completely sever his connection (heart, mind and soul) with his ex of four years in such short span of time. Your insecurity is not unfounded, but it may not be wise to step into it so quickly.

The more intense the flame burns, the faster it dies.

You are madly in love with him; and love made you have the desire to possess his personal three realms (Physical, Psychological and Psyche). To be afraid to lose your relationship is normal, however to be overly paranoid about it will actually cause a subconscious impact into the relationship, straining it.

Trust and your own security is like seesaw - the more trust input, you feel more insecured and this shouldn't be the case. It should be proportionate and not inverse.

P.S: Here's a question for you to consider: do you think that your love could be just companionship after an aftermath of a failed relationship? You speak naught of your previous relationship; I suppose you have already moved on.

But him? 

Cheers