Originally posted by risou:
I'm 29 now, she's 27.
I was there for her when she broke up with her ex (of 7yrs), 3.5yrs ago. I was there when she decided to change her job, when her favourite pet died, when she got a chronic illness and got depression due to that. I did everything I could to make her feel loved, to be one to solve her problems, to travel via cab when going out because she needs alot of rest, because she gets fatigued easily, leading to more pain. To accompany her even if it meant travelling to and fro, myself often reaching home late.
She struggled with her pain and depression, when nobody seemed to understand what it means to be in her shoes. It is tough on her. I thought I was on the right track or at least was close to it.
She ended the r/s a month ago. Her friends and colleagues and mum and doc took her side. I know I had my failings, failings which to me could be made right given some time. But not to her, someone who thinks alot about things and usually makes negative assumptions on them, as much as I had tried to inject some positivity to her.
I am totally broken now. She has blocked me on social media. She now has her colleagues and friends' support. I don't really have any.
I really don't know what to do. My entire life revolved around her. There's nothing in my life except working, eating and sleeping now. Almost everything that I see and use are related to her in some way.
I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP.
When you have position your entire life around a transitory figure, naturally, you are bound to be on the road to emotional destruction. It is not the risky preposition you have adopted in an absolute sense, but rather, the concept of giving yourself up (inclusive of your personal self worth) has a drastic reduction of social value, which she would often transform you into 'something else' other than the guy she first knew.
When you play the role of a boyfriend, you must understand that that is not a nurse, maid or personal assistant; the intensity of your love & care might come across as potentially choking.
Though it may appear that your writings seemed to suggest that you are more positive, subconsciously, you are likely to be negative (probably similar or worst). The seeming positive facade is somewhat ingeniously masks through overcompensating care and concern while the real insecurity nest within the core. If you were to be bluntly honest to yourself, you might actually realize that probably you care more about having to accomplish the final step to your next phase of life instead of your ex-gf per se.
Your post does not reveal anything about your stated 'failings', other than a string of narcissistic perception. Perhaps, you could post - not what you have done for her - but her chief considerations to call it quit. The picture would then be clearer.
P.S: You might have lost the relationship, but you could still keep those lessons.
Cheers
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Aunt Agony 301111
Originally posted by Jlsky70:
I'm a married man with a 3 years old daughter.
I suspect that my wife is having an affair with a colleague of hers.
I realized that since several months ago, she has been spending a lot of time with her male colleague. He sends her to work and send her home from work everyday. She comes home late every night and claims that she needs to work overtime. She also goes out and only comes home late at nights or early mornings on weekends.
She spends little time at home and we seldom have time to talk. Her work also requires her to travel overseas frequently and i know that on many trips, she went with that colleague.
I'm at lost now and not sure what to do. Can someone give me some opinion or advice.
We have been married for 3 year plus and she wasn't like this in the past. She always came home early after work and seldom go out so late on weekends. She has changed quite a lot lately.
I'm still thinking of how to confront her like some of you have suggested, As for hiring of PI, i think it's a bit too much right? But i'm taking it into consideration.
She told me last night that she's going on a working trip to Penang tomorrow. I asked her who's going with her. She said a few colleagues. But i noticed she didn't look at my face when answering that and her answer didn't sound very convincing.
Then my wife had left for Penang yesterday. That male colleague of hers came to drive her to the airport. I’m not sure whether he went along. She will be there till Friday.
I haven’t got the opportunity to talk to her. I tried on Monday night, but she wasn’t paying any attention to my questions as she was busy texting on her handphone.
Nowadays , we hardly have much time to talk properly. She comes home late every night saying that she needs to work overtime. On weekends, she also goes out the whole day after breakfast at home and comes home around 9-10pm. She said her work is very stressful and she needs to go out to chill out and relax a bit. But what about me? I don’t need to relax? How about our daughter? Where is her mommy?
Last month, during the Deepavali period, she went to Taiwan for holidays from 22/10/11 to 28/10/11. She claimed that she went with “friends”. Until now I haven’t seen her holiday photos. She said that photos were taken using her friends’ camera!! She carries IPhone and brought a Nikon digital SLR there!!
It never crossed my mind to have DNA test to check whether I’m the biological father of my daughter. I never doubted because I believed that I was the only men in her life. We were together for 3 years before we got married and she was 3 month pregnant when we went to ROM to register our marriage and 5 months pregnant during Chinese wedding dinner. I love my daughter very much, and I have no intention to go for DNA test.
I’m feeling very miserable now thinking that she might be with that guy in Penang now. I’m worried about hiring PI too. What if it turns out that she is not having any affair at all? She’ll be very angry to find out I hire a PI to spy on her right? That will make matter worse right?
It must be hurting when you have strong grounds to suspect your wife having an affair with another man, especially when the logical flow of events reinforces the notion of cheating. There are many ways to know if she is having an affair, however, somehow that is still not my primary concern. Be prepared when you decide to pursuit what you probably felt as 'the truth' behind the scene' because what I am concerned about is the aftermath.
What will happen after you corroborates your suspicion with facts?
Structurally, the relationship has all factors pointing towards some dire breakdown; nonexistent communication and apt towards an individualistic lifestyle. In fact, the start of the marriage was somewhat 'coerced' - with greater consideration towards the unborn child before marriage.
You may be ready psychologically and emotionally for your marriage, but this remains a question for her. And albeit she may be ready for the marriage, she might not be ready to be a mother and lead a family-centric life.
Agreeing to be married does not answer this question; just like pregnancy does not automatic make mothers out of women.
***
You are entitled to know the truth that veils behind her seemingly 'busy' lifestyle - but before you go about confronting her and ask honestly (or hire a PI); you might want to assume the worst scenario (which is yes she is cheating on you) and reflect on why this marriage has gone wayward because it would help you to craft out the content to engage a HTHT with her to see if this marriage is still salvageable.
P.S: A perfectly satisfied woman cannot be seduced; surely there is some unmet needs that is being fulfilled by the other guy. Knowing/confirming that she is seeing/being close (physically or emotionally) to another guy does not provide you the insights of what went wrong with your marriage.
You know that you have not been talking; make that happen and see how it goes.
Cheers
I'm a married man with a 3 years old daughter.
I suspect that my wife is having an affair with a colleague of hers.
I realized that since several months ago, she has been spending a lot of time with her male colleague. He sends her to work and send her home from work everyday. She comes home late every night and claims that she needs to work overtime. She also goes out and only comes home late at nights or early mornings on weekends.
She spends little time at home and we seldom have time to talk. Her work also requires her to travel overseas frequently and i know that on many trips, she went with that colleague.
I'm at lost now and not sure what to do. Can someone give me some opinion or advice.
We have been married for 3 year plus and she wasn't like this in the past. She always came home early after work and seldom go out so late on weekends. She has changed quite a lot lately.
I'm still thinking of how to confront her like some of you have suggested, As for hiring of PI, i think it's a bit too much right? But i'm taking it into consideration.
She told me last night that she's going on a working trip to Penang tomorrow. I asked her who's going with her. She said a few colleagues. But i noticed she didn't look at my face when answering that and her answer didn't sound very convincing.
Then my wife had left for Penang yesterday. That male colleague of hers came to drive her to the airport. I’m not sure whether he went along. She will be there till Friday.
I haven’t got the opportunity to talk to her. I tried on Monday night, but she wasn’t paying any attention to my questions as she was busy texting on her handphone.
Nowadays , we hardly have much time to talk properly. She comes home late every night saying that she needs to work overtime. On weekends, she also goes out the whole day after breakfast at home and comes home around 9-10pm. She said her work is very stressful and she needs to go out to chill out and relax a bit. But what about me? I don’t need to relax? How about our daughter? Where is her mommy?
Last month, during the Deepavali period, she went to Taiwan for holidays from 22/10/11 to 28/10/11. She claimed that she went with “friends”. Until now I haven’t seen her holiday photos. She said that photos were taken using her friends’ camera!! She carries IPhone and brought a Nikon digital SLR there!!
It never crossed my mind to have DNA test to check whether I’m the biological father of my daughter. I never doubted because I believed that I was the only men in her life. We were together for 3 years before we got married and she was 3 month pregnant when we went to ROM to register our marriage and 5 months pregnant during Chinese wedding dinner. I love my daughter very much, and I have no intention to go for DNA test.
I’m feeling very miserable now thinking that she might be with that guy in Penang now. I’m worried about hiring PI too. What if it turns out that she is not having any affair at all? She’ll be very angry to find out I hire a PI to spy on her right? That will make matter worse right?
It must be hurting when you have strong grounds to suspect your wife having an affair with another man, especially when the logical flow of events reinforces the notion of cheating. There are many ways to know if she is having an affair, however, somehow that is still not my primary concern. Be prepared when you decide to pursuit what you probably felt as 'the truth' behind the scene' because what I am concerned about is the aftermath.
What will happen after you corroborates your suspicion with facts?
Structurally, the relationship has all factors pointing towards some dire breakdown; nonexistent communication and apt towards an individualistic lifestyle. In fact, the start of the marriage was somewhat 'coerced' - with greater consideration towards the unborn child before marriage.
You may be ready psychologically and emotionally for your marriage, but this remains a question for her. And albeit she may be ready for the marriage, she might not be ready to be a mother and lead a family-centric life.
Agreeing to be married does not answer this question; just like pregnancy does not automatic make mothers out of women.
***
You are entitled to know the truth that veils behind her seemingly 'busy' lifestyle - but before you go about confronting her and ask honestly (or hire a PI); you might want to assume the worst scenario (which is yes she is cheating on you) and reflect on why this marriage has gone wayward because it would help you to craft out the content to engage a HTHT with her to see if this marriage is still salvageable.
P.S: A perfectly satisfied woman cannot be seduced; surely there is some unmet needs that is being fulfilled by the other guy. Knowing/confirming that she is seeing/being close (physically or emotionally) to another guy does not provide you the insights of what went wrong with your marriage.
You know that you have not been talking; make that happen and see how it goes.
Cheers
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Art of Rejection
The art of rejection is depended largely on progressive fatality. If a regressive model is adopted instead, then the pursuer will read it as a sign of passion (or weakness) and would pounce on you even harder.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
You Are the Apple of My Eye (那些年，我們一起追的女孩)
I caught a midnight show (Apple of my Eye); wanted it partly because of social reasons and the huge influx of positive comments scattered across my FB wall by people who posted it on their status update, raving about how good the film is.
I watched and here are my thoughts: it was a funny-good show, though imho I don't think it was anything extraordinary (but hey, I guess it was intentional). The general theme is about flashback & regrets, portrayed in a simple way, which I reflected and thought that I would actually love the film if I was much younger. Categorically speaking, this film would likely to appeal to four kinds of people:
i) People who experienced regret in relationship and are now in the 'moving-on (or moved on) stage' already.
ii) People who are largely sentimental, apt to fall back on past memories or generally have a happier past relationship, which they now do not possess.
iii) People who are/were playing the script of the 'we-can't-be-together-but-I-wish-you-all-the-best-from-the-bottom-of-my-heart' role.
iv) Romantic fans who love all kinds of romance/love movies.
The show idolize the concept of 'waiting' with 'greater-good love'. Somehow the two condition could be artistically enmeshed without difficulty from a film's perspective, but in reality, such combination often reeks of misery for people suffering from such predicament. The subtle message is in fact more important (if anyone caught it): that we must eventually move on at some point in our life, even if there are regrets we cannot resolve completely. The male lead kissing the groom at the end was explained as part of his perceived quirky personality, which she knew since secondary school days. Though it was a projection of his hidden affection, he did nothing to her and there was space in between them talking - it symbolize mutual respect and boundary.
The film perspective centered largely from the male lead, which he had unfinished business and his female lead, seemingly sharing this unfinished business with him - albeit she has already agreed to marry the man who would take care of her for the rest of his life. In reality, the brides at their wedding would have no recollection of such past at the moment when they don their wedding dress. In fact, the fatigue of preparation would preoccupy most of their concern. Also, the female perspective is largely missing (since it is 九把刀 reflection of his teenage years, he would not know what is truly going on in the mind of his crush): juxtapose similar context in reality, any woman would have already moved a distance so far in her love life that this episode, no matter how poignant and dramatic, would have been cast aside into the depth of her subconscious, only to resurface briefly during random all girls' night and talks.
In reality, a woman/man would acknowledge the affection that she/he has in the past, but that is probably all about it.
No intense kisses. No meteor. No rainbow. No nothing.
My conclusion?
Find your own lead in life to begin writing chapters of your love life and not wasting it by indulging in relationship that was never meant to be yours in the first place. It may seemed glorious to revel in those 'unmeant' relationship, but it is meaningless when you become far too self absorbed in attaching meaning to something has already cease to exist.
Then it becomes an obsession and no longer possess the quality of love.
I watched and here are my thoughts: it was a funny-good show, though imho I don't think it was anything extraordinary (but hey, I guess it was intentional). The general theme is about flashback & regrets, portrayed in a simple way, which I reflected and thought that I would actually love the film if I was much younger. Categorically speaking, this film would likely to appeal to four kinds of people:
i) People who experienced regret in relationship and are now in the 'moving-on (or moved on) stage' already.
ii) People who are largely sentimental, apt to fall back on past memories or generally have a happier past relationship, which they now do not possess.
iii) People who are/were playing the script of the 'we-can't-be-together-but-I-wish-you-all-the-best-from-the-bottom-of-my-heart' role.
iv) Romantic fans who love all kinds of romance/love movies.
The show idolize the concept of 'waiting' with 'greater-good love'. Somehow the two condition could be artistically enmeshed without difficulty from a film's perspective, but in reality, such combination often reeks of misery for people suffering from such predicament. The subtle message is in fact more important (if anyone caught it): that we must eventually move on at some point in our life, even if there are regrets we cannot resolve completely. The male lead kissing the groom at the end was explained as part of his perceived quirky personality, which she knew since secondary school days. Though it was a projection of his hidden affection, he did nothing to her and there was space in between them talking - it symbolize mutual respect and boundary.
The film perspective centered largely from the male lead, which he had unfinished business and his female lead, seemingly sharing this unfinished business with him - albeit she has already agreed to marry the man who would take care of her for the rest of his life. In reality, the brides at their wedding would have no recollection of such past at the moment when they don their wedding dress. In fact, the fatigue of preparation would preoccupy most of their concern. Also, the female perspective is largely missing (since it is 九把刀 reflection of his teenage years, he would not know what is truly going on in the mind of his crush): juxtapose similar context in reality, any woman would have already moved a distance so far in her love life that this episode, no matter how poignant and dramatic, would have been cast aside into the depth of her subconscious, only to resurface briefly during random all girls' night and talks.
In reality, a woman/man would acknowledge the affection that she/he has in the past, but that is probably all about it.
No intense kisses. No meteor. No rainbow. No nothing.
My conclusion?
Find your own lead in life to begin writing chapters of your love life and not wasting it by indulging in relationship that was never meant to be yours in the first place. It may seemed glorious to revel in those 'unmeant' relationship, but it is meaningless when you become far too self absorbed in attaching meaning to something has already cease to exist.
Then it becomes an obsession and no longer possess the quality of love.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
My Personal Education beyond 2012
I have decided how I want to steer my personal learning for 2012 and beyond.
Since four years back, I have never stopped studying; by right, I should be celebrating my new found freedom in the exciting year of 2012, but I realized that I am so accustomed to such intense pace and mode of learning that I actually find it degenerating if I dropped that entirely. Yet the prospect of chasing paper, exams and assignments is not something sexy to me. It fact, it turns me off.
I figured that I hate studying - I only like learning.
Furthermore, the only discipline I would really love to study is Philosophy, but it has prerequisite of a full time commitment and such price tag is just not possible practically.
I reflected and figured that I could actually secure a middle way through this: I could chart my own personal education through self discipline and personalization, by deciding (1) what I want to learn, (2) narrow it, (3) force implement period of time to read and learn (4) and most importantly: (5) persist. The greatest challenge for such 'self education' is really: how the phuck are you going understand the technicality of certain 'chim' theory if you don't understand and there is nobody to ask?
Then I must depend on my own social capital, network and the vast internet to seek the answers I need. Honestly, I don't really think it is the answer that is crucial, but the process of me finding that answer is the training I want to put myself into, since I do not have exams and assignments to 'evaluate' my own education, then my self-seeking spirit and drive to grasp knowledge in this manner would be a hundred times more effective.
After all, I self taught astrology - I could use the same method on how I achieve that to achieve this - albeit it's on a much larger scale.
I will work out details and present it to myself by Dec 2011. :)
Since four years back, I have never stopped studying; by right, I should be celebrating my new found freedom in the exciting year of 2012, but I realized that I am so accustomed to such intense pace and mode of learning that I actually find it degenerating if I dropped that entirely. Yet the prospect of chasing paper, exams and assignments is not something sexy to me. It fact, it turns me off.
I figured that I hate studying - I only like learning.
Furthermore, the only discipline I would really love to study is Philosophy, but it has prerequisite of a full time commitment and such price tag is just not possible practically.
I reflected and figured that I could actually secure a middle way through this: I could chart my own personal education through self discipline and personalization, by deciding (1) what I want to learn, (2) narrow it, (3) force implement period of time to read and learn (4) and most importantly: (5) persist. The greatest challenge for such 'self education' is really: how the phuck are you going understand the technicality of certain 'chim' theory if you don't understand and there is nobody to ask?
Then I must depend on my own social capital, network and the vast internet to seek the answers I need. Honestly, I don't really think it is the answer that is crucial, but the process of me finding that answer is the training I want to put myself into, since I do not have exams and assignments to 'evaluate' my own education, then my self-seeking spirit and drive to grasp knowledge in this manner would be a hundred times more effective.
After all, I self taught astrology - I could use the same method on how I achieve that to achieve this - albeit it's on a much larger scale.
I will work out details and present it to myself by Dec 2011. :)
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