Originally posted by Naive Bayes:
What you say does make sense..I am gaining perspectives, but I am still kind of stucked in that position. Though I understand that only I can really heal the emotional wounds inside, I am not very sure of the methodologies to cope with it. Perhaps, you could elaborate or give some suggestions on how I can deal with the internal festering wounds?
Sometimes I feel that it is more of gaining acceptence of myself and trying to forgive myself, rather than to get the person to forgive me. There were also times where I was afraid that there is an underlying latent issue at the back of my head that is much more serious.Sometimes, it could just be a case in which I simply think too much.
So have I created an illusion that has been fooling my own emotions all this while? If that is the case, how can I get my own subconcience to accept it all.
I would like to break out of this, and share my experience with everyone else. There are many people like me, who couldn't let go and I would hope that my analysis of myself through here could give pointers to the rest of the world out there.
To angel: Thanks to you too. Your sense of humour does raise my spirits indirectly.
Recently, I have a number of cases who asked me the same question - it is all good when we give ourselves rational reasons why we should/need to move on. It's all good really; just that the problem arises only when our emotions fail to move as fast as our mind and creates a discrepancy within that revealed a huge distance gap that caused this inconsistency.
Think about your emotion as the speed of driving a truck and your mind as a sports car. Sometimes, the more we push our mind to 'get over and done with it' - it resulted in a severe backlash and we relapse constantly because both entities are basically travelling at two extreme speed and there is minimum effort in reconciling. Ultimately, both entities belong to one body, so like it or not, you got to deal with it.
Humans are ritualistic creatures - meaning, we sometimes seek to exhibit irrational actions or behaviours in enabling us for a closure or putting an end to a particular chapter in our life. It is quite evitable that you have yet to come in terms with the way the circumstances has turn out for you, thus understanding what it takes to bring you to your eventual destination is pretty much critical for you to move along.
There is a reason why I coin this as a 'ritual' because ritual are purely human construct to symbolize certain experience. For example, we perform funeral rites for people who are dead - it acts as a form of closure. Obviously from a scientific point of view, when a person's biological body fails to function, the person is already dead. The funeral, from a pure scientific view, is a redundant act because the 'end' has already ended.
Hence, what sort of 'ritual' do you need to perform before the chapter can begin to close gradually? You said self forgiveness - so what needs to happen before self forgiveness can take place? If it means doing 'seeming' stupid things like 'needing to say what you need to say to her' - contrary to popular belief, I would say just do it if you know it brings about this effect, which is closer to your goal of achieving self closure.
Take it easy when you approach the subject of recovery because the pace of healing is truly relative. It's normal to falter randomly during recovery period - after all, these experiences are there to let us learn something about love, so that we can grow as a person.
Cheers
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Aunt Agony 290111
Originally posted by Naive Bayes:
I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.
I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.
I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.
I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.
I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.
I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.
Thanks for reading.
It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.
It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.
What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.
You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.
Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"
Cheers
I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.
I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.
I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.
I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.
I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.
I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.
Thanks for reading.
It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.
It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.
What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.
You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.
Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"
Cheers
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Aunt Agony 180111
Originally posted by Yingjunmingz:
okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.
In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.
After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.
Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.
After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.
Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????
SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself
You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).
I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.
Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).
Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.
Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.
You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.
Cheers
okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.
In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.
After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.
Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.
After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.
Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????
SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself
You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).
I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.
Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).
Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.
Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.
You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.
Cheers
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