Aunt Agony 070414

Originally posted by Smallpillow:

I'm seeing this guy for awhile and he has made sacrifices for me significantly and have me involved in his future life plans. He scrutinises my contacts list of guy friends who likes me and block them out sometimes calling to scold them. He keeps in close contact with my parents and sister selling himself to be someone who loves and will take care of me.

However, I start to hesitate when it comes to settling with him as his honey words become excessive. He is always praising and saying how beautiful, intelligent.. Kind  I am etc ... When actually I have not even be working out even gaining weight or doing any grooming.

There was a time when we were chatting he said " if it's a pretty and kind girl I will love her" so I fumed and replied go to them you have plenty of choices! To that, he replied they will not love him.

At that moment I feel he's just using me for physical pleasure and all those excessive praises are to cultivate me to be close to him. He likes to be very generous to his female peers and be a chauffeur to them. Most of them already have boyfriends or husbands. One of them frequently borrow money from him and he lends it to her. It's in the thousands and it's really very hard to think the relationship is pure and no sexual activity is involved. Many times I broke down, I feel insecure why does my boyfriend wants to cultivate and be nice spend his time and resources on other ladies... And making the women shower praises and loves him. Is he cultivating towards the day when he will be needed for them to feel good about sexually? I feel he is trapping me. If I marry him, I will always be so insecure if he is going to make out with other women. There are a few female friends close to him and he says that she likes to be touched by other men. To that, I feel is he being her friend because of the possibilities of sexual activity that is going to happen...or already happen? I don't know.

At end day, I feel he doesn't loves me and eventually he will cheat on me. I really don't think I'm being sensitive or overly suspicious her. All the red lights are there and I'm just attached to him emotionally at heart that it's very hurting to let go. Can someone support me on making the right decision? He is going away from the country for a year for work and he wants to get married before he leaves. What should I do? 

There are other guys who likes me but I'm starting to think twice about marriage. I don't seem to know if the guy truly loves me if we are having frequent sex. Or if the guy really loves me he will marry And take care of me without having sex as he doesn't want to hurt me. Does this exist? 

His friends vouch for his character and integrity. Back in jc and university, there are girls who like him but he never take advantage or be with them because he believes that they are not the one and only that he will spend life with.

I feel it's very painful to be with him as he is stubborn and only believes in his reasonings disregarding my opinions with a shrug. For instance, if I were to discuss this with him and hope to work towards a happier relationship he will just brush me aside and says There's no end to refuting each other and I'm just having one of those episodes of blowing my top of my own emotional issues. He will always be around either talking to my parents, my sister and whoever he can build relations When things Are not working well with me. At the end of the day, I have triple work to do. Explaining to my loved ones that hey he's really not the guy he seems to be and your daughter here will suffer big time if I get married to him. What does old folks know anyway. I just want to leave on a jet plane and f to all these attachments.



You spoke about the possibility of your boyfriend choosing you because of the lack of mutual feelings and availability with other female counterparts. Frankly, it is meaningless to discern the truthfulness of this statement when I reckon that there is deep-seated resentment towards his insidious attempt to construct an unequal power play in the relationship.

It seemed that he has the rights to be ‘generous’ and has regular contacts to his female friends, while he consciously attempts to ‘block out’ your guy friends. It is likely that he is as (or even much more) insecure as you – hence there is a deliberate intention to craft out a system where he wants to gain power through strategic social isolation.

There are a couple of important factors that would have contributed to your confusion:

i) When you shared about your bf affirming you, your inner self reacted violently and concluded that he must been lying. My sense is that your low innate self-worth might likely be more of a culprit; never mind about the fact on why he says what he says, but the point about feeling that you are an unlovable person, capable only of 'retaining' relationship because you exchanged flesh for affection is not something common.

You are what you what because of what you believe yourself to be. And I am really worried what you are feeding your mind with.  

ii) I wonder how the circumstances of he 'cheating' on you makes any difference here; what I am hearing right now is how much you don't like about him and not so much about you catching him having an affair. Specifically, he does not appear to fulfill your needs or respect you presently; somehow you see yourself as mere component of his sexual gratification, which has not translated to joint pleasure. Perhaps subconsciously, you reluctantly seek to fulfil his sexual needs because it has become a 'way' for you to keep him near you.

***

I don't think fidelity is something that can be vouched; it's really a matter of choice and a constant reaffirmation to loyalty. A vegetarian might someday decide to eat meat. Hence, eating vegetables yesterday and today does not mean that I cannot choose to eat meat the next day.


[Quote: Smallpillow]

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off...

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I fondly recalled the first law of CloUdism (my little book of my thoughts): "it is we who choose our partners, not the other way around." Nobody can truly stop you from walking away if that is your real intent. Blaming the other party for 'not letting you go' is an form of subconscious projection of not wanting to leave either.

I am not saying that you should or should not leave the relationship; but what I am saying is that we have the power to decide what we want to do with our relationship. And this power does not belong to him, your sister or your mother.

It belongs to you. Solely.

Cheers