One ring to rule them all! :D
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Aunt Agony 290813
Originally posted by redname:
do i really wanna be with my gf.........
i dnt know whether it's natural or not. sometimes i really wanna be with her, go out, share the good times but sometimes i just wanna be alone and find it a chore to go out.
I always thought tht when you like somebody, you always wanna go out and be with tht person but to me, this feelings of wanting to b with tht person changes, sometimes i'm dying to see her, sometimes i dnt feel anything.
this relationship seems to have much issues and everytime when something goes wrg, i keep thinking whether i shld hold on to this relationship or just let go.
we are of the age to get married and she did express to me tht she really wants to end up with me, i too want her but at the back of my mind, although I really want this to work out (she's a great girl lah), i can't convince myself tht i can promise what the future holds, so i can't tell her tht i share the same sentiments too cause i'm jus afraid sh!t happens.
PS: we've only been together for more than a month, so i wonder is it just part and parcel of a relationship :(.
It's kind of hard to decide if you are going to end up marrying this lady since you are only dating her for a month plus. It is like deciding whether a book is great merely by reading the prologue.
In that sort of circumstances, I think it's hard for anyone - not just limited to you.
Since you are already in the relationship, you probably would have quite a fair bit of adjustment, compromising and negotiation to work on. These are part and parcel of a successful relationship; a marriage is never part of this deal until you transform this option into a choice and decide that this pursuit is worth the cons to bring it into a different level.
You probably only want to marry once. Hence, all other relationships would probably end before it reaches that line.
Learn to enjoy your relationship and let the universe take over (for now).
Cheers
do i really wanna be with my gf.........
i dnt know whether it's natural or not. sometimes i really wanna be with her, go out, share the good times but sometimes i just wanna be alone and find it a chore to go out.
I always thought tht when you like somebody, you always wanna go out and be with tht person but to me, this feelings of wanting to b with tht person changes, sometimes i'm dying to see her, sometimes i dnt feel anything.
this relationship seems to have much issues and everytime when something goes wrg, i keep thinking whether i shld hold on to this relationship or just let go.
we are of the age to get married and she did express to me tht she really wants to end up with me, i too want her but at the back of my mind, although I really want this to work out (she's a great girl lah), i can't convince myself tht i can promise what the future holds, so i can't tell her tht i share the same sentiments too cause i'm jus afraid sh!t happens.
PS: we've only been together for more than a month, so i wonder is it just part and parcel of a relationship :(.
It's kind of hard to decide if you are going to end up marrying this lady since you are only dating her for a month plus. It is like deciding whether a book is great merely by reading the prologue.
In that sort of circumstances, I think it's hard for anyone - not just limited to you.
Since you are already in the relationship, you probably would have quite a fair bit of adjustment, compromising and negotiation to work on. These are part and parcel of a successful relationship; a marriage is never part of this deal until you transform this option into a choice and decide that this pursuit is worth the cons to bring it into a different level.
You probably only want to marry once. Hence, all other relationships would probably end before it reaches that line.
Learn to enjoy your relationship and let the universe take over (for now).
Cheers
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Why Developing Serious Relationships in Your 20s Matter
Are you in your twenties? Are you an entrepreneur? Have you been told by your friends, your advisors, and your professional peers that now is your time to build your own life and not worry about things like settling down and having children — especially if you’re a female entrepreneur?
It makes sense, right? This is the only time in your life when you have no ties, no mortgage, no kids to support. This is the only time you can really do something ambitious, if you’re being practical.
And let’s face it, you’re not ready anyway. You’re busy building your company, figuring out who you are, what you want. You get laid on a regular basis; it’s not like you don’t have a love life. A “love” life.
And everyone around you agrees. Everyone!
Now is the time to live! (By which you mean building the next change-the-world company, of course.) You’ve moved to New York. Or San Francisco. Or Palo Alto. Or Boston. With the express purpose of building something.
This is a noble cause. There is nothing more professionally satisfying as building something. Something you love. Something you can “get behind.”
But...
There was this girl. This guy.
Eh, fuck it. You’re busy. You have more important things to do. Changing the world is a full-time job and if you don’t do it now, when will you?
Here’s the thing: I know you. You’re probably one of the many people I’ve mentored or hired. On multiple occasions, you’ve explained to me (as if I were your batty old aunt, but I’m not taking it personally) that you have no time to get to know anyone because you’re busy doing your work.
This is a complete fallacy. Work and relationships are not incompatible. (Ask Mark Zuckerberg.)
I’ll wager that there is something about big transient cities that distorts everyone’s sense of time. You become convinced that you have time for everything you find challenging, that your ultimate horizon is infinite. This is only the beginning for you.
But you don’t know how much time you have. And even if things go well for you, your time is finite. You can’t figure out your professional life now and your personal life later. (Unless you’re the rare thirteen-year-old entrepreneur, in which case, I might demur.)
And here is why: As with coding and management and matters of finance and marketing, relationships have a learning curve. You learn the basics of “relationshiptiva” (note to copyed: yes, I made up that word): How to deal with sexual etiquette, mundane everyday things, scheduling, and appropriate meetings with close friends, and some equitable plan for who’s supposed to pay for dinner or wash the dishesthis time. These are basics. And if you’re learning them in your thirties, it’s going to be much harder.
Because in a few years, however young you think yourself (how old is thirty, really?), you will be approaching midlife and you won’t be as adaptable as you once were. There are reasons for this, many of which are biological. Your body won’t respond the same way. You’ll have knee problems that didn’t exist when you were running sophomore track. You can’t stay out till 4:00 a.m. anymore, because now the same alcohol intake has somehow resulted in a hangover that’s a multiple of what it once was — and you will never ever have appreciated a nice soft pillow more. And if you think you can fend these things off with diet and exercise, you should probably buy a good solid book on the aging process or find a professional athlete over the age of thirty to talk to. They will speak of massage therapists and bone density and necessary nutritional supplements. You can mitigate these things, but you can’t entirely avoid them.
But that is not the point. The point is that thirty (or thirty-two, or thirty-five) is not the age when you want to be practicing serious relationships for the first time. Because learning how to develop a meaningful, sustainable relationship and keep it healthy takes some extended practice. You have to get beyond the basics — the sexual negotiations and the decisions about whose clothes go where and how to talk about exes. You have to figure out how to fight well, how to negotiate major value conflicts (if you can — some are impossible), and how to deal with the inevitabilities that come your way.
And those inevitabilities are myriad: At some point, you and your partner will go through a period of disillusionment when someone else turns your head or your partner’s. Maybe you have an affair, maybe you don’t. At some point, one of you will have significantly more career success than the other. This will become a point of tension. As will the disparity in income that usually accompanies it. At some point, you will disagree on how to raise your child and you will each wield the child as the ultimate weapon in a battle of wills. (I’m just doing what’s best forour child!) And at some point, one of you will have a major life issue that costs you everything or close (cancer, financial ruin, miscellaneous crisis), and the other person will have to decide to commit to or not.
It’s not a question of whether each of these things will happen; it’s a question of when. And if you do decide to spend a life with someone, you have to decide that you are willing to face all of these things and acknowledge that some of them could happen sooner than you expect.
Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile. These things take time.
I’m not suggesting, mind you, that you settle down in your twenties. I don’t envision you in a ranch home in the suburbs at twenty-six, feeding your toddlers Cheerios and pureed organic carrots and carting them to and from soccer practice in the family [Missouri: Suburban; SoCal: Prius].
I’m just saying that it’s worth it to look at your romantic relationships nakedly. (Metaphorically, not literally. Unless that’s your thing — in which case, contemplate in the nude as much as you want.) Work at a relationship the way you work at your work. Spend the time. Make the effort.
You need the practice. You need to learn. Some of you can wait another ten or twenty years to do that. And some of you may be the rare bachelors and bachelorettes who have no intention of ever being in a serious committed relationship ever. But not most of you, especially if you’re envisioning a spouse and kids sometime before you can start collecting social security. You need time — and lots of it.
And you need to remember that work is not everything. I met my fiancé at work, which is not a way that Detached Professional Me would ever advise anyone to go about meeting people. Under the circumstances, we had to decide fairly quickly whether we were willing to get fired. What was more important: the job or the relationship? We picked the latter. Fortunately, nobody got fired. But if I had been sent packing, I wouldn’t regret it. Jobs are replaceable. People you truly love are not.
I think it’s fair to say — with no scientific evidence — that deathbed wishes rarely include, “If only I had put another twenty hours a week in at the office! That slightly cleaner product release would have made all the difference.” But that guy, that girl? You might regret that.
***
Good read! After all, our cosmic lesson in love tends to become more costly at we aged (and we think inflation applies only to economics).
For original text, you can access it from here
It makes sense, right? This is the only time in your life when you have no ties, no mortgage, no kids to support. This is the only time you can really do something ambitious, if you’re being practical.
And let’s face it, you’re not ready anyway. You’re busy building your company, figuring out who you are, what you want. You get laid on a regular basis; it’s not like you don’t have a love life. A “love” life.
And everyone around you agrees. Everyone!
Now is the time to live! (By which you mean building the next change-the-world company, of course.) You’ve moved to New York. Or San Francisco. Or Palo Alto. Or Boston. With the express purpose of building something.
This is a noble cause. There is nothing more professionally satisfying as building something. Something you love. Something you can “get behind.”
But...
There was this girl. This guy.
Eh, fuck it. You’re busy. You have more important things to do. Changing the world is a full-time job and if you don’t do it now, when will you?
Here’s the thing: I know you. You’re probably one of the many people I’ve mentored or hired. On multiple occasions, you’ve explained to me (as if I were your batty old aunt, but I’m not taking it personally) that you have no time to get to know anyone because you’re busy doing your work.
This is a complete fallacy. Work and relationships are not incompatible. (Ask Mark Zuckerberg.)
I’ll wager that there is something about big transient cities that distorts everyone’s sense of time. You become convinced that you have time for everything you find challenging, that your ultimate horizon is infinite. This is only the beginning for you.
But you don’t know how much time you have. And even if things go well for you, your time is finite. You can’t figure out your professional life now and your personal life later. (Unless you’re the rare thirteen-year-old entrepreneur, in which case, I might demur.)
And here is why: As with coding and management and matters of finance and marketing, relationships have a learning curve. You learn the basics of “relationshiptiva” (note to copyed: yes, I made up that word): How to deal with sexual etiquette, mundane everyday things, scheduling, and appropriate meetings with close friends, and some equitable plan for who’s supposed to pay for dinner or wash the dishesthis time. These are basics. And if you’re learning them in your thirties, it’s going to be much harder.
Because in a few years, however young you think yourself (how old is thirty, really?), you will be approaching midlife and you won’t be as adaptable as you once were. There are reasons for this, many of which are biological. Your body won’t respond the same way. You’ll have knee problems that didn’t exist when you were running sophomore track. You can’t stay out till 4:00 a.m. anymore, because now the same alcohol intake has somehow resulted in a hangover that’s a multiple of what it once was — and you will never ever have appreciated a nice soft pillow more. And if you think you can fend these things off with diet and exercise, you should probably buy a good solid book on the aging process or find a professional athlete over the age of thirty to talk to. They will speak of massage therapists and bone density and necessary nutritional supplements. You can mitigate these things, but you can’t entirely avoid them.
But that is not the point. The point is that thirty (or thirty-two, or thirty-five) is not the age when you want to be practicing serious relationships for the first time. Because learning how to develop a meaningful, sustainable relationship and keep it healthy takes some extended practice. You have to get beyond the basics — the sexual negotiations and the decisions about whose clothes go where and how to talk about exes. You have to figure out how to fight well, how to negotiate major value conflicts (if you can — some are impossible), and how to deal with the inevitabilities that come your way.
And those inevitabilities are myriad: At some point, you and your partner will go through a period of disillusionment when someone else turns your head or your partner’s. Maybe you have an affair, maybe you don’t. At some point, one of you will have significantly more career success than the other. This will become a point of tension. As will the disparity in income that usually accompanies it. At some point, you will disagree on how to raise your child and you will each wield the child as the ultimate weapon in a battle of wills. (I’m just doing what’s best forour child!) And at some point, one of you will have a major life issue that costs you everything or close (cancer, financial ruin, miscellaneous crisis), and the other person will have to decide to commit to or not.
It’s not a question of whether each of these things will happen; it’s a question of when. And if you do decide to spend a life with someone, you have to decide that you are willing to face all of these things and acknowledge that some of them could happen sooner than you expect.
Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile. These things take time.
I’m not suggesting, mind you, that you settle down in your twenties. I don’t envision you in a ranch home in the suburbs at twenty-six, feeding your toddlers Cheerios and pureed organic carrots and carting them to and from soccer practice in the family [Missouri: Suburban; SoCal: Prius].
I’m just saying that it’s worth it to look at your romantic relationships nakedly. (Metaphorically, not literally. Unless that’s your thing — in which case, contemplate in the nude as much as you want.) Work at a relationship the way you work at your work. Spend the time. Make the effort.
You need the practice. You need to learn. Some of you can wait another ten or twenty years to do that. And some of you may be the rare bachelors and bachelorettes who have no intention of ever being in a serious committed relationship ever. But not most of you, especially if you’re envisioning a spouse and kids sometime before you can start collecting social security. You need time — and lots of it.
And you need to remember that work is not everything. I met my fiancé at work, which is not a way that Detached Professional Me would ever advise anyone to go about meeting people. Under the circumstances, we had to decide fairly quickly whether we were willing to get fired. What was more important: the job or the relationship? We picked the latter. Fortunately, nobody got fired. But if I had been sent packing, I wouldn’t regret it. Jobs are replaceable. People you truly love are not.
I think it’s fair to say — with no scientific evidence — that deathbed wishes rarely include, “If only I had put another twenty hours a week in at the office! That slightly cleaner product release would have made all the difference.” But that guy, that girl? You might regret that.
***
Good read! After all, our cosmic lesson in love tends to become more costly at we aged (and we think inflation applies only to economics).
For original text, you can access it from here
Monday, August 12, 2013
Broken Woman and her Destiny (Part 2)
And thus, people believe that they are bounded by their destiny. The hideous past coming to haunt them, only to 'coerce' them to make a choice that set precedence for their future to be haunted by their present choice.
Before you know it, it has become a vicious cycle.
A destiny is forged.
Somehow, the woman in such a predicament failed to perceived the truth nature of her destiny; that destiny is in fact a summation and collection of all the choices she has made this lifetime. Till the day her life ends, the illusion of a ill-fated destiny creates a mechanism of being reasonable to be angry at life. Acceptance is rejected because she would believe that the destiny is 'created' by someone else.
Someone else... something out there... other than her...is responsible for her destiny. Hence, how can she accept something that is 'given' by someone?
She gave the abnegate the power of her choice and give up changing her destiny. She became a slave to her past.
With that thinking, her fate is really sealed. (To be continued...)
Before you know it, it has become a vicious cycle.
A destiny is forged.
Somehow, the woman in such a predicament failed to perceived the truth nature of her destiny; that destiny is in fact a summation and collection of all the choices she has made this lifetime. Till the day her life ends, the illusion of a ill-fated destiny creates a mechanism of being reasonable to be angry at life. Acceptance is rejected because she would believe that the destiny is 'created' by someone else.
Someone else... something out there... other than her...is responsible for her destiny. Hence, how can she accept something that is 'given' by someone?
With that thinking, her fate is really sealed. (To be continued...)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Social Work is Chaos
Like a rejected child, the tenet of social work forms a confusing discipline that draws from all but belongs solely to neither medical, legal, psychological, philosophical, economical, educational, political, anthropological or sociological. Professionalism is therefore a problem because there has never been a discipline so confused and chaotic as social work. Social work is like a child wondering who your real parents were; trying to find its identity in the world of clear segregation and functions. Social work is important? Somewhat. Social work is scientific? Somewhat. Social work is an art? Somewhat.
The truth of the matter is that social work is chaotic and chaos is uncomfortable for the scientific-precise folks who demands evidence-based practice and KPI to produce an effective outcome. The notion of effective outcome is not the problem; the question would be what is an effective outcome to even decide what it is to be effective? Is the desired outcome for every individual case objective enough for a logical apple-to-apple comparison?
For example, if I have 10 same questions worth 10 marks each given to 40 students in a class - comparison is effortless. You can multiply the number of students in the class by tenfold and comparison is still effortless - since the test is upon 100 marks. Statistically speaking, you can churn out all the different reports and permutation easily with SPSS. However, it is not so clear-cut when you give one student two questions worth 10 marks each, another with six questions worth 3 marks each and the last with four question worth 7 marks each. How are you going to do your comparison in a meaningful way?
Precisely, the chaos in social work cases is such that every case is-same-yet-different. I could have ten clinically depressed cases; yes, they are the same (clinically depressed via psychometric test), but each would have different content, story, history, processes and outcome. Medically, we all know that all you need is more than two weeks of continued sadness that affects some level of normal functioning - tata! You have it - clinical depression. Logically, we all know that the problem lies with the fact (and reality) that the variation of issues are just too many. Surely, a researcher could try to control the variables; you can find depressed clients due to spouse having EMA. But surely a client in his/her first marriage experiencing EMA would be different from one that is experiencing EMA in his/her third marriage. Or a client experiencing EMA with no significant adverse parental experience verses another one with family history of divorce due to EMA. And the list goes on.
The social work game is just way too complex for a positivist paradigm. Therefore, a randomized trial test in a laboratory sense is difficult when you apply them to social science wholesale.
Therefore, there are more values when social work align itself with social epidemiological paradigm - that truth is relative, relational and contextual.
If my above claims is true, therefore social work is chaotic.
And if my fellow social workers are uncomfortable with chaos, then you are in the wrong profession. 'Orderly Singapore' is not what you would expect in this field because you will never find two cases that are truly alike. You must be able to comprehend various body of knowledge and critically examined them all with an appraising eye. And like a skillful artist, reassemble them in a meaningful fashion for purposeful intervention. One must connect theory with practice and practice with theory - this is therefore professionalism. Not one that is marked by virtue of discipline, but by the marriage of higher wisdom and humble ground work.
Enjoy chaos.
P.S: Courtesy from Eleen. :)
Friday, August 02, 2013
Aunt Agony 020813
Originally posted by redname:
i just got attached recently
althou there's the sweetness of a new found relationship but there's also the bitterness of reality
we've been talking abt life and we find tht we have so much differences.
yesterday we had a phone call and I've been thinking abt what was mentioned over the phone.
1. she being the only child, had things easy for her.
althou her family's not rich but she's the kind tht will spend a bit more once in a while for a better lifestyle (eg. branded stuff, go europe etc..) but for me, I'll keep it simple cause I do not wanna compromise my lifestyle just because i need to spend a bit more on some stuff. eg, i dnt wanna get a car cause tht will eat in a lot to my funds and i have to adjust my lifestyle just because of a piece of metal.
2. she says she's driven in work and tht she's disappointed that i'm relac one corner but the truth is tht i just dnt wanna stress myself.
In addition, she's looking for a family man, someone who will love and place his family as 1st priority in life but the truth is tht being driven and having a family man doesn't go hand in hand.
-----------
I just feel that she seems to wanna put me in this mold/idea she has for a man she wants and not wanting to take me for who i am.
i really hate this feeling cause i always believe tht if u wanna love someone, u love him/her for his good and bad and not to only want his/her good and dnt want his/her bad
I'll highlight this to her the next time we talk abt this and tell her either she take me for who i am or dnt take me at all
PS: she's my 1st gf (althou i'm over 30 already) and I know it'll break my heart more than it breaks her's
The reactive self is often triggered when one is being challenged by the presence of a relationship to change ourselves.
It is pretty much an illusion if one expects the existence of a new relationship to fit very well into the life of an individual. Most of the time, some degree of adjustments and negotiations have to take place. After all, living in your own skin for a good thirty odd years as a singleton and literally sharing a sofa with a 'stranger' inside your inner state of comfort zone is surely a new experience. I believe this is not something that you could easily adjust immediately and would require some effort on your part to accept.
If your above mentioned values were to be the foremost qualities that you seek in a partner, then in the first place this relationship wouldn't have manifested. Hence, something 'stronger' is likely to be pulling you; which is a sense of emotional connectedness or what I would term as a Love and Belonging need being satisfied.
Definitions of things may differ; but that does not automatically mean it is a gone deal. Talking about each definition of value and what it means to both of you would help to clarify each other's belief. With each then putting forth a position of whether you could agree to disagree, yet willing to do something to bring each other's position harmoniously closer for the relationship is critical.
Sticking to your gun works well with individual's identity, but are generally bad for well-being of relationship. While I am not saying that good relationship demands weak-willed individuals; it depends largely on your choice and the battle you pick to fight. More often than not, good communication does help to lessen several possible bloodshed that could have been minimized or avoided.
You choose your relationship - not the other way round; therefore, you decide how much you want to put into the relationship before you raise the white flag. You can logically decide that she is not the one given the 'problems' listed. Just remember that for every problem we avoid facing, we are pretty much missing on the opportunity for self growth.
One for one.
Cheers
i just got attached recently
althou there's the sweetness of a new found relationship but there's also the bitterness of reality
we've been talking abt life and we find tht we have so much differences.
yesterday we had a phone call and I've been thinking abt what was mentioned over the phone.
1. she being the only child, had things easy for her.
althou her family's not rich but she's the kind tht will spend a bit more once in a while for a better lifestyle (eg. branded stuff, go europe etc..) but for me, I'll keep it simple cause I do not wanna compromise my lifestyle just because i need to spend a bit more on some stuff. eg, i dnt wanna get a car cause tht will eat in a lot to my funds and i have to adjust my lifestyle just because of a piece of metal.
2. she says she's driven in work and tht she's disappointed that i'm relac one corner but the truth is tht i just dnt wanna stress myself.
In addition, she's looking for a family man, someone who will love and place his family as 1st priority in life but the truth is tht being driven and having a family man doesn't go hand in hand.
-----------
I just feel that she seems to wanna put me in this mold/idea she has for a man she wants and not wanting to take me for who i am.
i really hate this feeling cause i always believe tht if u wanna love someone, u love him/her for his good and bad and not to only want his/her good and dnt want his/her bad
I'll highlight this to her the next time we talk abt this and tell her either she take me for who i am or dnt take me at all
PS: she's my 1st gf (althou i'm over 30 already) and I know it'll break my heart more than it breaks her's
The reactive self is often triggered when one is being challenged by the presence of a relationship to change ourselves.
It is pretty much an illusion if one expects the existence of a new relationship to fit very well into the life of an individual. Most of the time, some degree of adjustments and negotiations have to take place. After all, living in your own skin for a good thirty odd years as a singleton and literally sharing a sofa with a 'stranger' inside your inner state of comfort zone is surely a new experience. I believe this is not something that you could easily adjust immediately and would require some effort on your part to accept.
If your above mentioned values were to be the foremost qualities that you seek in a partner, then in the first place this relationship wouldn't have manifested. Hence, something 'stronger' is likely to be pulling you; which is a sense of emotional connectedness or what I would term as a Love and Belonging need being satisfied.
Definitions of things may differ; but that does not automatically mean it is a gone deal. Talking about each definition of value and what it means to both of you would help to clarify each other's belief. With each then putting forth a position of whether you could agree to disagree, yet willing to do something to bring each other's position harmoniously closer for the relationship is critical.
Sticking to your gun works well with individual's identity, but are generally bad for well-being of relationship. While I am not saying that good relationship demands weak-willed individuals; it depends largely on your choice and the battle you pick to fight. More often than not, good communication does help to lessen several possible bloodshed that could have been minimized or avoided.
You choose your relationship - not the other way round; therefore, you decide how much you want to put into the relationship before you raise the white flag. You can logically decide that she is not the one given the 'problems' listed. Just remember that for every problem we avoid facing, we are pretty much missing on the opportunity for self growth.
One for one.
Cheers
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