My bro shared this with the crew. Not sure how many of my readers are into dance, but even if you ain't - the concept isn't too hard to understand.
I love this piece!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Stability and Relationship (Part II)
And so yunhaier continues:
I remember a quote from Barbara DeAngelis that goes something like this: "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment"
One would ought to understand that relationship is not something that is given, but rather something that spawn out of the natural consequence of love. And since that is not merely a symbolic representation of a choice; we in fact make our daily choices to decide how we want to deal with our relationship - from drudgery to the highly complex issues in love. Our personal attitude could decide the course of action, our response and reaction to it.
However, choices are only meaningful if all available options are laid out like fan of cards for one to choose. The problem with this perspective is that people do not learn certain attitude/behavior in love because they are not taught (and reinforced regularly) by both life and their early childhood environment, thus these 'options' just minors from the original deck of cards. For example, if one's parents are not particularly expressive/romantic lovers, it can be hard for someone to adopt this stance of loving expression unless the child's experience has contact of such nature of expression AND actively decides that he/she wants to incorporate this single card into their 'overall deck'. Perhaps the child learns 'duty', 'responsibility' and/or 'a being provider' well - shuffles fifteen cards that relates to stability with only one card of romance. Seriously, what are the odds of picking the romance card? And how long the wait when the card is finally picked, only to be consumed and get placed underneath the deck of cards? Another fifteen turns!
Romance and stability are both 'cards' that can be fused into the overall deck. The key is to balance these two components so that the relationship remains fulfilling, secured and meaningful for both parties. Therefore, if you have a lot of 'stable' cards: it's time to slot more cards of romance into your deck, so as to balance things up, vice versa. Romance does not always mean giving your partner the moon; sometimes it just about doing things together and having fun in the process. And stability does not always mean financial stability - sometimes, it also mean emotional stability.
Balance, like many things in life, is crucial to ensure longevity of love.
I remember a quote from Barbara DeAngelis that goes something like this: "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment"
One would ought to understand that relationship is not something that is given, but rather something that spawn out of the natural consequence of love. And since that is not merely a symbolic representation of a choice; we in fact make our daily choices to decide how we want to deal with our relationship - from drudgery to the highly complex issues in love. Our personal attitude could decide the course of action, our response and reaction to it.
However, choices are only meaningful if all available options are laid out like fan of cards for one to choose. The problem with this perspective is that people do not learn certain attitude/behavior in love because they are not taught (and reinforced regularly) by both life and their early childhood environment, thus these 'options' just minors from the original deck of cards. For example, if one's parents are not particularly expressive/romantic lovers, it can be hard for someone to adopt this stance of loving expression unless the child's experience has contact of such nature of expression AND actively decides that he/she wants to incorporate this single card into their 'overall deck'. Perhaps the child learns 'duty', 'responsibility' and/or 'a being provider' well - shuffles fifteen cards that relates to stability with only one card of romance. Seriously, what are the odds of picking the romance card? And how long the wait when the card is finally picked, only to be consumed and get placed underneath the deck of cards? Another fifteen turns!
Romance and stability are both 'cards' that can be fused into the overall deck. The key is to balance these two components so that the relationship remains fulfilling, secured and meaningful for both parties. Therefore, if you have a lot of 'stable' cards: it's time to slot more cards of romance into your deck, so as to balance things up, vice versa. Romance does not always mean giving your partner the moon; sometimes it just about doing things together and having fun in the process. And stability does not always mean financial stability - sometimes, it also mean emotional stability.
Balance, like many things in life, is crucial to ensure longevity of love.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Politician and Love
If Yaw Shin Leong is not an MP today - honestly, other than his wife, friends and family, who actually gives a flying damn about his infidelity (if it is actually true)?
Infidelity is more common than one think it is; but once you are a politician, like it or not, there is no way you could live as an individualistic person anymore because you are constantly being judged by people, who might not even live by the same standard of their own judgement.
Politician caught dating married woman, ah! Bad person, so he probably make a bad MP (Devil's Effect). But hey, even politician suffers the same kind of vulnerability affecting their love life. Duh, he is a human being - a man to be specific. He still needs food, sex, love and air; he is not fringing God!
Mr Yaw has been expelled from Hougang: you can read the news here
Cheers
Infidelity is more common than one think it is; but once you are a politician, like it or not, there is no way you could live as an individualistic person anymore because you are constantly being judged by people, who might not even live by the same standard of their own judgement.
Politician caught dating married woman, ah! Bad person, so he probably make a bad MP (Devil's Effect). But hey, even politician suffers the same kind of vulnerability affecting their love life. Duh, he is a human being - a man to be specific. He still needs food, sex, love and air; he is not fringing God!
Mr Yaw has been expelled from Hougang: you can read the news here
Cheers
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Stability and Relationship (Part I)
The nascent of a relationship be described as a period of instability or a period of love delusion. Perhaps the madness of being in love drowns the concrete sound of rationality, where love conquers all and everything else matters little.
This is not a derisive attempt to discount the possibility of what love could do, but rather, after all that mirthful gaiety has faded, what's left is but serious contemplation of practical realism - of compatibility, needs and deep yearnings, which are ironically 'things' that ought to have iron out in a major way during the course of the relationship.
Personally, I do not think that love actually fades like sunset, but rather, the effect of having real people interacting and getting along with one another is the litmus test to decide if this person is someone you will want to spend the rest of your life in a relatively functionable manner. The ingredient of marriage requires components that are distinctively, but not exactly significantly, different from a relationship. For example: stability and security.
These two 'Earthen' elements are prerequisite for any marriage to work out decently. However, one must understand that the stability any relationship enjoys is NOT part of the love that comes with it; it is part of the arduous process of compromising, making adjustment or in a nutshell: mutually agreed way of managing the relationship that first develops the structure for stability. In fact stability is an illusion - all relationship are born out of instability. Even the most perfect, compatiable partners needs to work out a system to seek for an equilibrum in love that are acceptable to both parties. People do not merely 'settle' in like a piece of predestinated puzzle.
One common issue couple faced after dating for a long period of time is that they become accustomised to this security provided by this stability and for some reason, supersede it literally as love, which is ironically not the case during formative stage of their relationship. They are in fact in love with stability that the relationship provides and gradually not being in love with their partner emotionally.
There seemed to be an inverse relationship with stability and romance; for when we are loving to our partner, it creates stability (sometimes false stability) and when our relationship is stable, we often downplay the need to be loving partners and that generate instability. And the cycle continues ad infinitum.
The notion of marriage is losing its meaning in a broad sense; making vague sense of adulthood, marked as a common destination that 'most grown ups' will arrive at. After all the gusts of blessing and grand weddings - ah congrats! The real journey of love truly begins! More of the crazy things, less of the good things - especially when kids started claiming their turf in the couple's marriage; young parents start to focus on their little prince & princess and gradually stop loving each other.
Is your marriage/relationship like that? And what can we do?
I will address it in Part II
This is not a derisive attempt to discount the possibility of what love could do, but rather, after all that mirthful gaiety has faded, what's left is but serious contemplation of practical realism - of compatibility, needs and deep yearnings, which are ironically 'things' that ought to have iron out in a major way during the course of the relationship.
Personally, I do not think that love actually fades like sunset, but rather, the effect of having real people interacting and getting along with one another is the litmus test to decide if this person is someone you will want to spend the rest of your life in a relatively functionable manner. The ingredient of marriage requires components that are distinctively, but not exactly significantly, different from a relationship. For example: stability and security.
These two 'Earthen' elements are prerequisite for any marriage to work out decently. However, one must understand that the stability any relationship enjoys is NOT part of the love that comes with it; it is part of the arduous process of compromising, making adjustment or in a nutshell: mutually agreed way of managing the relationship that first develops the structure for stability. In fact stability is an illusion - all relationship are born out of instability. Even the most perfect, compatiable partners needs to work out a system to seek for an equilibrum in love that are acceptable to both parties. People do not merely 'settle' in like a piece of predestinated puzzle.
One common issue couple faced after dating for a long period of time is that they become accustomised to this security provided by this stability and for some reason, supersede it literally as love, which is ironically not the case during formative stage of their relationship. They are in fact in love with stability that the relationship provides and gradually not being in love with their partner emotionally.
There seemed to be an inverse relationship with stability and romance; for when we are loving to our partner, it creates stability (sometimes false stability) and when our relationship is stable, we often downplay the need to be loving partners and that generate instability. And the cycle continues ad infinitum.
The notion of marriage is losing its meaning in a broad sense; making vague sense of adulthood, marked as a common destination that 'most grown ups' will arrive at. After all the gusts of blessing and grand weddings - ah congrats! The real journey of love truly begins! More of the crazy things, less of the good things - especially when kids started claiming their turf in the couple's marriage; young parents start to focus on their little prince & princess and gradually stop loving each other.
Is your marriage/relationship like that? And what can we do?
I will address it in Part II
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Aunt Agony 010212
Originally posted by Bubbamapic:
I am a guy approaching my 30s. I have been trying to find the right girl for me until now I have yet to find. I am not disclosing my race nor my nationality. All I am saying is that where I am - I am not progressing.
1) I went after this girl at church. We went out for few dates. Then she said to me that she is not interested in me and we should be friends. So I agreed. however after I attended a church meeting. Her brother in law didn't like me - when I went in one of their meetings - he slammed the door to my face. And then the some of the church members became very hostile towards me. This made me discouraged to make my first move for fear of being flamed.
2) I met this girl who work for a bank at a church camp. I got her phone number through the address book. I contacted her in effort to make conversation. Then her text messages became more and more longer to reply: sometime 1 day or 2 day. After 3 or 4 calls - she never pick up. I gave up.
3) I attend another church. Met this 25 year old girl. At first she was very nice to me. We chatted. Then she ask me out a few time but unluckily at the time my boss force me to work long hours. I had to say no. Then this other 25 year old guy at the church went after her. She became very show off to me and told me that she want this guy over me. This lady go and bargain high high price at me.
4) I did work two years serving the church. Suddenly this lady - she is in her 40. She suddenly ask me out many many times. At first she needed my help to shift some furniture and escort her to church. So I gentleman escorted her. Then she became more aggressive started asking me out more often. Then the church people also wanted to match make me with her. The church leader go and make a meeting appointment for all church members but nobody turn up except this lady and me. Then she propose we go out together. I turn her down because it starting to make us look like a couple.
I am not interested in lady in (4) because I am looking for a girl who is in her late 20s or at least early 30s - I want to start a family. I got many friend who marry at 35 or 36 with wife of same age now struggling to have babies because of the age. Anyway, I know this 40 year old lady for 1 year, i know I am not interested in her because she is very different from me. Moreover she is older than me. I don't want to marry somebody older than me
5) I met this girl at the office. About 6 month ago. She broke up with her boyfriend. They had an argument and boyfriend gave her a blackeye. So i was so excited to make my move. I decided to chat more with her. At first ok. Then I decided to ask her out. Suddenly some co worker became very hostile at me. They started to mock me. She also became very unfriendly to me and treated one guy at the office better than me. After valentine day - she accepted that guy as her new boyfriend.
At first I pursue her. But she kept avoiding me. She instead delegate one lady to distract me. This lady keep on asking me out. I am not interested in her. Because the lady she delegate to distract me - like to go night club and get drunk. She is quite a drunkerd.
Conclusion:
I am frustrated. So many years here wasted. Cannot find life partner. So hard to find. I go to gym and diet to make myself look good. I dress well. I even go and study MBA to improve my skills. I go and serve in the church. In the end - what do I have to answer for? A 40 year old spinster lady?
On the other hand. My older 40 year old brother who is so so straight guy. He never had girlfriend before. He is so innocent. Apparently he was still a virgin. Then when he migrated to Australia - he met one ang moh lady. Within two week they became a couple. Within 1 year they got married. The ang moh lady even younger than him.
I have been here for 30 years and cannot even find a girlfriend. This is ridiculous. Mankind have existed for over million year and still able to find life partner to continue the human race. Nowaday, woman is getting more affluent. Make it impossible to find life partner.
I am thinking of going to Australia to find life partner. Over here (may not be singapore) it is getting impossible. I am not getting any younger.
Why is it always like this:
1) Why cannot find boy and girl like each other and then progress from there? Instead have to find girl that bargain high price - chase her then always get rejected.
2) Why always I like the girl but the girl don't like me? Ironically those lady I don't like, they like me? And these lady who like me normally are too old (I want to find a lady who is of child bearing age and very important I must have chemistry).
Using similar methodology of changing the 'external' environment will not help very much unless you gain certain insights on what's inside to amend and evolve before things could realistically improve. Attempts made to dress well, look good, beef up in gym are positive improvements. However, then again, these are still external changes to certain extend, which may not be the root of issue you need to resolve to help you move forward.
Then again, it's hard to understand what is require to evolve from within unless you know the real reason why you are constantly rejected (given the fact that nobody here knows you personally). The reality is that we will never know for sure and the only probable way of finding that conclusion is through deep-honest reflection, which may run into problems of seeing things through tinted lens and our individual blind spots.
I have some points for you to think about:
(i) You do seem to be able to secure dates; just that the deal falls through (somehow) after a couple of sessions. Hence, I see this as an interaction, chemistry and/or personality related issues that require 'intervention', which are in fact internal issues.
(ii) Your source of dates comes from the same stream (church). Even though you dated different people, but the environment is largely the same, which means that diversity is limited. Instead of migration, what you could do is to expand this stream beyond that of church. However, this does not change point (i) raise above.
It is natural for some people to be anxious, if they feel that they are not 'achieving' a classic lifespan development of life (e.g. need to have friends, need to be attached, married, have children, etc). It is a matter of your priority and needs at this current stage of life, which other people may not have any problem to begin with in the first place for sympathy to occur. For example, if my skill sets are always in demand and I am constantly employed, it's hard for me to understand what it feels like to be retrenched and unemployed because a fairly bias conclusion I could (not necessary will) make is that this person is probably 'inferior', thus he is eliminated by competition.
Also, you have quite precise expectation of what you want for a partner, but be careful about letting these expectations govern your dating experience when it should be the other way round. It is totally anti-seductive when a woman feels that a man is constantly checking her out based on his expectation of what he wants because in this equation, there is nothing about the woman herself.
Be aware not to transform your needs into a self absorbed imaginary of your own individualism.
Cheers
I am a guy approaching my 30s. I have been trying to find the right girl for me until now I have yet to find. I am not disclosing my race nor my nationality. All I am saying is that where I am - I am not progressing.
1) I went after this girl at church. We went out for few dates. Then she said to me that she is not interested in me and we should be friends. So I agreed. however after I attended a church meeting. Her brother in law didn't like me - when I went in one of their meetings - he slammed the door to my face. And then the some of the church members became very hostile towards me. This made me discouraged to make my first move for fear of being flamed.
2) I met this girl who work for a bank at a church camp. I got her phone number through the address book. I contacted her in effort to make conversation. Then her text messages became more and more longer to reply: sometime 1 day or 2 day. After 3 or 4 calls - she never pick up. I gave up.
3) I attend another church. Met this 25 year old girl. At first she was very nice to me. We chatted. Then she ask me out a few time but unluckily at the time my boss force me to work long hours. I had to say no. Then this other 25 year old guy at the church went after her. She became very show off to me and told me that she want this guy over me. This lady go and bargain high high price at me.
4) I did work two years serving the church. Suddenly this lady - she is in her 40. She suddenly ask me out many many times. At first she needed my help to shift some furniture and escort her to church. So I gentleman escorted her. Then she became more aggressive started asking me out more often. Then the church people also wanted to match make me with her. The church leader go and make a meeting appointment for all church members but nobody turn up except this lady and me. Then she propose we go out together. I turn her down because it starting to make us look like a couple.
I am not interested in lady in (4) because I am looking for a girl who is in her late 20s or at least early 30s - I want to start a family. I got many friend who marry at 35 or 36 with wife of same age now struggling to have babies because of the age. Anyway, I know this 40 year old lady for 1 year, i know I am not interested in her because she is very different from me. Moreover she is older than me. I don't want to marry somebody older than me
5) I met this girl at the office. About 6 month ago. She broke up with her boyfriend. They had an argument and boyfriend gave her a blackeye. So i was so excited to make my move. I decided to chat more with her. At first ok. Then I decided to ask her out. Suddenly some co worker became very hostile at me. They started to mock me. She also became very unfriendly to me and treated one guy at the office better than me. After valentine day - she accepted that guy as her new boyfriend.
At first I pursue her. But she kept avoiding me. She instead delegate one lady to distract me. This lady keep on asking me out. I am not interested in her. Because the lady she delegate to distract me - like to go night club and get drunk. She is quite a drunkerd.
Conclusion:
I am frustrated. So many years here wasted. Cannot find life partner. So hard to find. I go to gym and diet to make myself look good. I dress well. I even go and study MBA to improve my skills. I go and serve in the church. In the end - what do I have to answer for? A 40 year old spinster lady?
On the other hand. My older 40 year old brother who is so so straight guy. He never had girlfriend before. He is so innocent. Apparently he was still a virgin. Then when he migrated to Australia - he met one ang moh lady. Within two week they became a couple. Within 1 year they got married. The ang moh lady even younger than him.
I have been here for 30 years and cannot even find a girlfriend. This is ridiculous. Mankind have existed for over million year and still able to find life partner to continue the human race. Nowaday, woman is getting more affluent. Make it impossible to find life partner.
I am thinking of going to Australia to find life partner. Over here (may not be singapore) it is getting impossible. I am not getting any younger.
Why is it always like this:
1) Why cannot find boy and girl like each other and then progress from there? Instead have to find girl that bargain high price - chase her then always get rejected.
2) Why always I like the girl but the girl don't like me? Ironically those lady I don't like, they like me? And these lady who like me normally are too old (I want to find a lady who is of child bearing age and very important I must have chemistry).
Using similar methodology of changing the 'external' environment will not help very much unless you gain certain insights on what's inside to amend and evolve before things could realistically improve. Attempts made to dress well, look good, beef up in gym are positive improvements. However, then again, these are still external changes to certain extend, which may not be the root of issue you need to resolve to help you move forward.
Then again, it's hard to understand what is require to evolve from within unless you know the real reason why you are constantly rejected (given the fact that nobody here knows you personally). The reality is that we will never know for sure and the only probable way of finding that conclusion is through deep-honest reflection, which may run into problems of seeing things through tinted lens and our individual blind spots.
I have some points for you to think about:
(i) You do seem to be able to secure dates; just that the deal falls through (somehow) after a couple of sessions. Hence, I see this as an interaction, chemistry and/or personality related issues that require 'intervention', which are in fact internal issues.
(ii) Your source of dates comes from the same stream (church). Even though you dated different people, but the environment is largely the same, which means that diversity is limited. Instead of migration, what you could do is to expand this stream beyond that of church. However, this does not change point (i) raise above.
It is natural for some people to be anxious, if they feel that they are not 'achieving' a classic lifespan development of life (e.g. need to have friends, need to be attached, married, have children, etc). It is a matter of your priority and needs at this current stage of life, which other people may not have any problem to begin with in the first place for sympathy to occur. For example, if my skill sets are always in demand and I am constantly employed, it's hard for me to understand what it feels like to be retrenched and unemployed because a fairly bias conclusion I could (not necessary will) make is that this person is probably 'inferior', thus he is eliminated by competition.
Also, you have quite precise expectation of what you want for a partner, but be careful about letting these expectations govern your dating experience when it should be the other way round. It is totally anti-seductive when a woman feels that a man is constantly checking her out based on his expectation of what he wants because in this equation, there is nothing about the woman herself.
Be aware not to transform your needs into a self absorbed imaginary of your own individualism.
Cheers
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