Originally posted by farnee:
Actually we have know each other for 1 yr (we work under the same project) and together for 6mths. I can't say we don't totally understand each other just not that deep enough. He proposed to me that we would tie the knot on next year which make up to be our 1 yr courtship and i agreed. We even booked our honeymood and bridal pkg. But suddenly everything changes so fast.. i am lost. During the phase of preparation he seems to be very happy and enjoying the process. I don't understand. (As well on last month my mother was hospitalise due to an car accident and was semi paralyze - likely to recover after theraphy) I was quite stress out and perhaps shown my flaw side of stubborn and impatient side of me and he couldn't take that.
I do not mind going thru the patience to wait for him to gradually move up to maturity in love. But i need to know how to deal with him. He is acting like normal nothing happen infront of everyone. I am hurt this way. the surrounding knew what is happening. Everyone of his friend told me he is stubborn and he will think through and come back. But i am not sure if he will.
How can i help him to come back ? And yet doesn't give him the stress that i am wanting him back. Coz he told me straight on my face during broke off, he doesn't want me to wait and he might not come back. He felt our characters are too stubborn and to be together will be v tired. But i think he doesn't know to be together we need to compromise, having the inconvenience of needing to communicate etc... He mentioned he still love me very much, infact he tears .. sigh...
Our expectation of wanting to settle down is a greater good ideal that most people generally desire; unfortunately, the pace of love works independently of whether we think when it is 'rationally' good to settle down from a logical perspective. Biologically, he has slightly passed the norm age of intimacy (where relationship concerns form a significant consideration aspect of that lifespan), hence, he would naturally have to 'make up' the 'lost lessons' he failed to gain adequate mastery in his past experience, which broadly includes what I termed in my book as the Four Elements of Relationship: mutual lifestyle, communication, financial/security management and emotional connection.
In the world of our emotional mind, it is highly complex and sometimes, it does not corroborate with our flow of logic. I can see that it can be very disheartening, confusing and discouraging to witness how he claims to still love you, but acts in a direct opposite way.
Our definition of love first sparks the direction of how we view love in our perceived world. The tiles that built upon this definition is constantly adjusted by our experience and interaction with our partners, discarding what was not helpful and keeping those that allows harmony and equilibrium. Problem lies when we choose to keep too many of the tiles we see as our individual nature and refusing to budge.
The truth is that we only need to keep the main ones that openly define who we are - the immutable ones. The 'many others' actually allows room for negotiation - if that is what he/you wants.
For example, he claims that both of you are 'stubborn'. Is that an individual nature that strictly defines who you both are in a positive way? Like I am a stubborn person and I want to keep that? Probably not. Then it is probably something that is negotiable and open for evolvement.
Hence, the million dollar questions: mutually, do the both of you willing to work on it to keep the relationship or choose to discard it away just because of something that is open for negotiation?
P.S: Like I said in my previous post, it can be very trying to love someone who has not gain adequate mastery of love relationship in his/her earlier years. They have been fed with years of individualism - where they are so used in managing themselves, the freedom and all that verses the prospect of now having to compromise that space with someone else.
Is he humble enough to accept the cosmic lessons of love? Or is the 'I' more important than 'We'?
Cheers
