Perceived Reality of Love

It is even possible to understand 'Love'?

A tough question indeed. I remember I had supervision the other day and one of my colleague's main struggle is to help her client figure out a way to understand 'love', in reference to how self image and self love would somehow affect her relationship.

It is a hard question isn't it? Asking people what is an abstract quality of a value or a concept.

The point is that we will never be able to know what love is. It is same with reality. We do not know what reality really is. All we know and understanding about reality is merely through our senses. Hence, our understanding of reality is but an edited version of reality.

We only have perceived reality.

In the same argument, we cannot know the nature of love. In fact, drilling into an unfathomable nature of love leads to derangement and is ultimately meaningless. We only know of love through the properties it surface. For example, when my mother cooks for the family, it is one property of love (act of services). When a couple goes overseas and having fun together, it is also one property of love (quality time). So on and so forth.

When you combined all these acquired experience, one is likely to conclude a few ideas about love, in which it would naturally transform into a belief, since some of these experience probably reinforce a particular ideology.

But is this ideology of ours, formed about love, the universal truth?

Tinted glasses and selective perception.

After all, we only know of a perceived reality. We do not know what reality really is.

I only have one reflective question for those who happen to stumble upon my article; how has retaining your own belief (whatever it is) help or not help you to experience love as it is?  

If it does not help you, it is something that you want to change?

What do you think? :)

Aunt Agony II 180912

Originally posted by heartlessheartbroken:

Please do not flame and read my whole story, I am only writing this to obtain genuine advice on my current situation. It is a long story but my life is really in a mess that is beyond imagination.

My wife ran away with my son and my only family member, my nephew left my house and severed all ties with me, now I am all alone but left with a few important decisions to make to remedy this situation.

I fell in love with a beautiful woman A some years ago, she is my ideal type and we dated for almost 2 years. She is rich, extremely pretty and had everything I wished for a wife. However, due to my unfaithfulness, I had a one-night-stand with another woman B at a bar. Unfortunately, I pregnated her and we were forced to get married by her parents. B isn't too bad and we had a healthy marriage life but I do not love her. Instead, my heart still belongs to A. Needless to say, A was infuriated because at that time we broke up, we had plans to get married.

I have been living with my nephew for many years since his parents passed away. Ever since my brother and his wife passed away when their son was still schooling, my nephew 35, and me, 40 lived together with our son. We lived a very modest life and I had regretted my affair which turned out into an unwanted marriage and family. I could have lived much better if I had married A in the first place.

However, due to very unbelievable coincidence, my nephew met A in his company and they became very close friends and dated. It was only last year during CNY that he brought her to our small reunion. My wife B recognised A and immediately disapproved of their relationship. When A met me, I was sure that she still had feelings for me like I did for her, however she married my nephew. After our meetup, we had sex on a few occasions without my wife's knowledge.

Last month, A discovered that she was pregnant despite desperately trying many times with my nephew. My nephew was so happy that his wife got pregnant but I was quite sure that the child belongs to me. I then brought A to have a medical checkup and they said there was nothing wrong with her. That means my nephew was infertile all along and the child is indeed mine.

When all of us met for a diner a few days ago, my wife B became suspicious of us because I showed too much care for her unborn baby. After the dinner, I met up privately with my nephew and told him that A was carrying my child. He told my wife about it and she ran away from home with our son. My nephew is also on the verge of divorce with A because of her affair with me. After A knew about this, she blamed herself and tried to commit suicide. I brought her to my house and she had been living here for the past 2 days.

I know I am a bad person but I want to try to save our family and thought of these options:

1. Divorce B, marry A and start a new life with her. But if I do that, I lose my wife and child, also my nephew.

2. Lie to my nephew and tell him I was drunk and blurted out nonsence that night. Hope that life will be back to normal again while still being able to see A for the rest of my life as a niece in-law. If A keeps this secret well, our family will be in peace for the time being.

3. Relocate to another country with my wife and child and forget about A completely.

I think 2 is the best option but it will be very hard for me to do. Are there any other ways I can get over this?



Two wrongs do not make one right.

You could go on making choices to fill in the void caused by some unwise decision/s made at that point of time. However, it will just snowball into a huge conflagration, in which you will find it harder and harder to extinguish. Life is full of 'what ifs' - surely things would be different if you had married A. However, the truth is that the 'what if' never actually took place. We could go on forever on how those possibilities could play out, but then again, it is not possible to go back in time to find out for sure.

It is based on what you felt was a wrong choice, while ignoring other factors that would have naturally develop along the way to neutralize the value of 'wrongness'.

When you have a sexual affair with your nephew's wife - it is a clear indication that you are willing to risk your marriage (which includes your wife and son) to pursue what you felt was a choice left behind by an unfortunate circumstances. However, I just want to highlight something: 'no choice' is still a choice. You might have been 'coerced' by her parents and/or your conscience on moral grounds to marry your wife - still, it is a choice that you have decided to commit eventually, even though there wasn't any love. I truly doubt her parents actually point the gun barrel at you to say 'I do' - I think you get my drift.  

Until the point we take responsibility for all our choices made, it is hard to get out of your situation effectively because your chosen behaviour often revolves around avoiding, minor (ineffective) patching and/or delaying the consequences of an unwise decision. Notice that your preferred course of action is (2), which still another attempt to do one or more of the above.

Your options are mutually exclusive; keeping your family intact would means that A would have to go, while choosing A would means that your wife, son and nephew will need to go. Coexistent in this case is impossible and unrealistic to pursue.

P.S: You have to decide what you want before you commit any further decision. If you are lost: stop for a moment and glance at your map. You don't keep walking because chances are, you will walk further away from your original destination and that will just make you feel miserable once the truth slams you hard - on how far away you are from where you want to want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180912

Originally posted by Frustrated86:

I hope not to expect anybody to flame here, only constructive comments.

I come from a broken family. Father was a gambler and sailor, left my family when i was a child. Mother never remarried. Mother then carry the responsibility of raising me and my elder sister, hawking at the roadside.

So, my education never surpass school. I now work as an assistant chef at a hotel. I toil night and day, in the steamy kitchen. Life is hard. I have few friends and no sociel life and yes I work on saturdays and sundays. Sometimes i have to come to shift-work at 3am to prepare the meals for breakfast.

My pay is low. Now life is getting harder for my family and I. My mother's health has not been great. She suffers from acute asthma. My elder sister got married to an abusive husband. He hits her regularly and he borrows money from the loan shark. The loan shark harass him until he left my sister for good. Now my sister have moved in to stay with us. I have regular fights with my sister over the admin of our home and splitting the money for our daily home maintenance.

So here is my story, I met this girl at the hotel we work, she works at the concierge. We've gone out regularly on dates. I fell in love with her. However, as time goes by, she seem not to be very responsive to me anymore. It was then, I realise that one of the hotel managers was persuing her. He was richer and have more money than me. In the end, the girl explained to me that she had to leave me for a better man who can provide her with better security.

I am so heart broken. I am so poor and no matter what I do, I cannot alleviate my situation. I have no time to meet people because of my job.

I feel demoralised, not knowing what hte future lay for me. I don't think I would be able to find any girl who i can support because they all want richer man. I am starting to realise that women here don't want a guy with a simple salary anymore. THeir expectations have gone up sky high, they want a rich guy.

I also feel very stress because I have to support my ailing mother with her high medical expenses and not be able to afford to buy property. Everything is getting expensive but my salary is still the same.

I would like to take additional educational courses to better my life but i have no spare time and not enough money.

I envy all my former schoolmates who have richer parents, sent them overseas to study, now they come back to take over their father's business, have easy life, drive big car and live in big mansions and marry the beautiful wife. These people always go out and lose their smartphones but next day they easily replace them. Me? I am still using a button handphone.

Is life ever fair? No. I have to toil on. I cannot blame this on my parents. I just have to blame it on fate.

I am struggling to uplift my life, wondering what I should do. The future don't look so good but i have to put on a smile. 



Although it may be hard when our early childhood are filled with challenges and difficulties that limit our opportunities in life, ultimately, it is paramount to recognize that though these events do play a significant part in our life, they do not exist in our future - if that isn't how we want the game to end.

You could accept the way how your past was; but it is an entirely different ball game for your future.

It would be a grave mistake to attribute your misery due to the fact that your love interest chose someone else over you because of money alone. The point is that it may help you to cope better emotionally because having this perspective is certainly easier than making a choice to change a seemingly gloomy destiny.

Perhaps what you lack is not merely a lack of opportunities, but a lack of courage.

I do not know you, but for someone who claims to have little education; I felt that you certainly write decent enough to express your ideas and feelings. And working hard to make a decent living despite having a really tough job is resiliency.

I am not here to judge, but rather, I have a few reflective questions for you to evaluate your own situation.

I) If you remained in your current job and your prospect is limited; how much are you willing to risk doing something different so that you could achieve a different outcome?

II) If you imagine yourself upgrading, what would you see yourself learning/doing?

III) How badly do you want to change your own personal destiny? How much are you willing to commit and work on it?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 050912

Originally posted by Butt3rcup:

I have been with my bf for about a year now.

The prob wif me is I'm not confident of being alone. I have carried a torch for Another guy for a long time. But I know he can't be with me cos of other personal reasons. Mostly would be his race. I'm not concerned of looks cos I know eventually it will fade. But I cannot be in this way where I'm neither here or there. Wat should I do ?

Im getting married wif my current bf next year

It appears to me that you might not be emotionally ready for marriage and if you decide to go along with your plans, you might have to pay a higher ticket price for 'future changes'. Though painful as taking ownership of your choice might be, it is still far better than sweeping it under the carpet and thinking that things will just go away.

Because ultimately, you just can't run away from yourself.

The fear of being alone is common. However, if the relationship is led by fear and not by love, you would have a lot of self convincing to do when there is presence of 'competition' - even if you are already married by then.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 040912 (Continued from AA 030912)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I wish it was this easy. People like her come once in a blue moon. In this modern society, we are all caught up in our jobs and competition for vanity, so we hardly got time to find soul mates out there.

I am in my late 30s, time is catching up.

Yes, I cannot just shut out religion and she cannot shut out her religion and we just go continue on like this without even considering the consequences.

Religion or my faith is more than just going to a building and making prayers, its my whole life.

 If she is impartial then our relationship would be in harmony. However, she criticize my religion. WE spoke about tithes and offerings for my religion. I said it is necesary because my religion need the finances to pay for the community work, premises upkeep and salaries of full time workers. I say that my religion does not compulsorily require the 10% contribution, we only volunteer to contribute because in our religion, god loves a cheerful giver not want to force a reluctant giver to give donation.

She still not convince and she gave me the blackface because next time if we are a family, she doesn't want any of the money finances given to the church. So yes, the religious differences will inevitably disturb our relationship.




It's a painful revelation when we are coerced to conclude that we cannot achieve the best of both worlds at our current state. Much as we would like to see it happening in our real world, perhaps the nature of our choice does not allow smooth harmonious blending of these different pictures into a beautiful symphony. Sometimes, some pictures are mutually exclusive and cannot co-exist simultaneously. 

At the age of being in your late 30s, it is natural to see how the developmental stage of needing to settle down and the importance of a stable relationship are important for you personally. Then again, sometimes, it may not be how much understanding she knows about your religion to accept you, but the key question lies whether are you able to accept the possibility that she might not be able to accept your religion and some of these values that you have already explained so patiently? Are you able to reconcile with yourself that by making the choice to remain in the relationship, there is a possibility that you might have to live with the struggle of having to making difficult choices between being a good Christian and the image of a good boyfriend?

Just a small disclaimer: I am not saying a good boyfriend means having to give up your love for God - what I am trying to say is that both pictures in your quality world are important to you because they obviously satisfy certain personal/spiritual needs - the thoughts of having make choices between them can be pure excruciating.

If being a good Christian (in which I am referring to your regular financial support, community involvement and other personal effort) is something that is non-negotiable for you, then naturally this relationship would become an expendable option.

P.S: The sphere of religious influence can be very powerful. However, do note that ultimately, you would have to make a committed choice and decide what you want and what is important to you. Just remember at the end of the day, nobody is going to live with the prospect of being single and its associated feelings (e.g. loneliness) or the fear in spiritual punishment/deprivation of spiritual reward other than yourself.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030912

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I have been going out with this girl for 5 months, but we haven't been able to progress our relationship due to religious issues.

You see, she hates my religion. I don't want to say anything about the religion except to say that it is definitely NOT islam.

I never ask her to change to my religion but it seems to separate us most of the time. She thinks I am very staunch in my religion because I attend classes, seminars, community work a lot but I am not staunch at all because I am a person with a lot of flaws, I do drink liquor, I do cross the red light, I sometimes accidentaly swear at people. In other words, I am imperfect and i don't go around judging other people.

Because I always talk religion with my social circles, I sometimes have the habit of accidentaly talking religion to her, and that makes her mad at me. When I accidentaly say it, she will go and boast her religion back at me and give me the quiet treatment.

I get the feeling that my religion is affecting her and not sure if she likes me enough to continue.

So what should I do? I had a heart to heart talk to her about religion and she frankly tell me that she thinks my religion is bias and not good. Ouch, but i just don't get it, why she takes offence at it when I never ask her to change to my religion. I was hoping that she allow me to freely practice my religion while she practice hers.

I really like her a lot.

Religion is not merely about a faith belief; in fact, it encompass an entire framework of perspective, values, ideals, rules, norms, mores and outlook of life - which includes the way we view love and relationship specifically. For some, it is central to the motivation of their behavior and how they manage their interaction with others.

Love requires no religions for it is not a living entity, unlike a human being, tormented by the need for 'answers' to justify its very existence. Therefore, the suffering of having any forms of religious conflict stem from the couple and belongs entirely to themselves.

This is an important understanding because I will not attempt to reply your post from any faith-based perspective, but rather, reflect it as the choice you have made in name of love - since this choice is probably a succulent condition for such conflict to manifest in the future. You might have intense feelings for this girl; however, the inability of being able to accept each other in your own respective skin is likely to be the cause of your misery.

It is not about whose religion is more superior, but rather, not being able to gain mutual respect and understanding of each other's values naturally generate great challenges for your relationship. It is also a similar set of problem for other form of value-conflict, in which religious conflict belongs to one type of such dimension (I called them Jupiter affliction).

Therefore, what is ultimately more important to you? Being able to be a 'good member' of your chosen religion OR the love & belonging need you get from her companionship? Surely, that would give you some concrete insights on how you could proceed with your situation.

P.S: The point I am driving at is that there is no absolutely way you could continue a relationship like yours without bloodshed IF the both of you are not able to reconcile each other in your natural state. Perhaps deep in your respective subconsciousness, though you might claim there is none, there could be a quiet desire to convert the other, which is actually no difference from a romance-frenzied lover wanting to change her down-to-earth dude to become 'more romantic'.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 130812

Originally posted by Enzol:

Hi people, im relatively new to this forum. However im seeking some answers and advice from my current situation here. First of all, i would like to thank you for your time listening to me. Here goes:

Due to frequent quarrels caused by our personality differences, I broke up with my gf of 3 years almost a year back in 2011. Things were going on okay for me, moving on and all.

Until afew months later, my ex (lets call her Jane) contacted me back, wanting to meet up for dinner. I was thinking she had moved on as well and just wana be friends. I was always open to the idea of old flames being friends and all and a few of my good friends are actually my ex-gfs.

I met jane up, and she was okay, still the same old girl i used to date. we had dinner and all was pleasant, but unexpectedly we ended up having sex at my place in the wee hour of the night. And this was not all, she actually revealed to me that she is already attached with another guy.. (seems like she moved on quicker than i do.)

I was kinda shocked and all, and this doesnt look good on us. I was kinda ashamed of myself, and told myself that i will not do it again. But it was all a lie, i could not resist the temptations of sexual pleasure with Jane, afterall im single and i have my needs.

We began to meet up more often for dinner and usually these dinner dates ended up in sexual trysts in a hotel room. Every week without fail, we will meet up one night to engage in coitus. We began to grow closer to each other, she told me that shes having relationship problems with her current bf, frequent quarrellings, not spending enough time for each other, etc.

I knew that inside her heart, she still loves me, dont even think that she loves her bf. But i am really happy with this current status with her, for i know if we were to be back together again, fights will break out. So getting back together with her is out of the question.

However as time goes on, i begin to feel something weird, i actually felt jealous that she is with her bf. This jealousy began to engulf me and i wanted her to break up with her bf. But on the other hand, i just wanted to maintain this sexual, non commitment relationship with her.

I am very sorry but i admit, i am a really selfish person, i wanted her for myself but yet i doesnt want to commit. I felt that since shes cheating on her bf and their relationships are very rocky, they should just end it. You might brand me a hypocrite for saying this, but afterall, this behind the back sex thing doesnt look good on us and i actually felt guilty, and feel bad for the guy. Although she doesnt. Does this shows that she dont really have feelings for the guy?

I asked her to break up with the guy and dont waste each other’s time since she doesnt really like him. But actually i wanted her for my own (im an asshole really.) I told her that if she break up with her bf, we would have nothing to hide and theres nothing to be guilty and worried for. She felt that its okay being with the guy, since there are no other guys coming by. And she doesnt have a problem cheating on him and theres no difference in the status of our sex-only relationship . She seemed unwilling to break up with the guy.

Things were actually simple and uncomplicated for me – bang her and be satisfied and not giving a fuck about her personal life. But i guess i kinda screwed it up by guilt and jealousy.What should i do? Really need some advice here, FYI, jane is a very emotionally dependent girl, not very much willing to give up/let go of a relationship and needs someone by her side. But i feel that this should not go on. This is wrong. I feel bad for the guy and most importantly i want her to be mine. Please help me.

Very much appreciated and grateful,
Enzo


Your current arrangement creates much ambivalence; while it seemed all nice to have that physical relationship without the commitment aspect, the reflection in your post does seemed to have a shift in perspective: though as much as the physical need is being satisfied, emotionally, there is stark emptiness. We must always remember that our needs are complex and it goes beyond just instinctive urge because we will start questioning the meaning behind our behaviour, which is probably why you are so tormented about this whole thing.

Your ex-gf is likely to lead a dissatisfying relationship - there is something critical that she is not getting from her current beau, which may not be necessary sex. While you have concluded that the physical needs are mutual, your writing does seem to suggest that she probably wants to leverage more out of just pure sex: what I am trying to say is that she appears in wanting to be emotionally connected to you.

While it is strange to say that because it started out as a physical thing, however if you examine closely, the form of this loosely structured relationship has evolved into some sort of 'support session' each time you spent the night together. This probably threw the both of you off the original 'fark buddy course' because if physical needs is primary, then the emotional feedback shouldn't have happen. The continuous need for the meet up has transformed this situation into more than simple sex sessions, it has actually cause both of you to reflect upon the reality of this sub-rosa relationship, both past and present state. 

Somehow your emotions betrayed your subconscious thoughts, it is likely that the quarrels you used to experience in the past does not exist in this current arrangement. Obviously - since there is no longer any reasonable position for the condition of a quarrel to happen. This is probably an important reflection cue to somehow think and actually consider the possibility that if you could maintain a non-conflicting relationship with her on this arrangement, it is actually suggestive that you might be able to maintain it this way too if both of you are actually together.

However, there are too much fear and ambivalence present to make a committed decision. Though it is easier for you to tell her to 'break up' if she doesn't have any more feelings for him, but that would mean that she would have 'nobody' in her perspective, which may suggest elements of loneliness that associate itself with being single.

On the other hand, although you know that you are going to win her back if she breaks up with her current beau, she does not have this information on hand to be able to make a 'sound decision'. Or perhaps, she is waiting for you to 'reveal' that information, so that she can consider her options.

There is no problem in your arrangement; the only problem is when you want to stretch unrealistically beyond what the structure of this arrangement could provide. Every system of arrangement has its limits on how much return it begets. Waddling along the shoreline will only get you so far; until the both of you throw yourself into the deep sea and actually start swimming, then you can talk about how to cope and manage the 'challenges of swimming' and not just thinking about swimming. 

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120812

Originally posted by Yeom89:

My bf is 26 and I'm 23 this year. I'm still a virgin but he's not, he had slept with 3 of his ex gfs before. We are really different in our personalities, individual lives and the way we were brought up. He also told me before that he was attacted to me because I am everything he isn't. He was the bad boy when he was younger (in the eyes of our families and our friends) but thankfully for him, his family is quite well off, thus they sent him to UK to do his A levels and degree. While I'm the goody girl next door whom follows the nicely planned out route for me. I've also met his family but he isn't ready to meet mine because he is worried how they would judge his past. When his mum saw me, she actually asked him if he was serious with me and told him not to hurt him in any way.

We have been dating for 1 month, we are doing all fine and good. He asked to make love nearly all the times we were on bed and we did everything except sex already. I told him that I'm still not ready and he's willingly to wait and didn't force me any further. But I could tell that he really wants to make love together.

Anyway, he drove me to somewhere really romantic last night and we started kissing, the mood was really right. After that, he wanted to send me home but I wanted to sleep over at his place (I've been staying over his place quite regularly already and he's staying alone) He then told me that if we go to his place like that, we would end up doing it. I didn't say anything and I just wanna spend the whole night with him. I could really feel that this time the mood was a little different and my hands are shivering. I guess I was prepared already to give myself totally to him, and at the last moment before he inserted into me, he turned away, laughed and said 'Now you're ready and I'm not.' He said he loves me too much and he knows that I see virginity as smt very impt and he wants me sure that he's worthy of it. Why didn't he want to do it with me when he's been asking for it? I'm confused..


It doesn't matter whether he has slept with 3-exs or if you hold conservative value of having virginal purity until marriage - at the end of the day, it lies somewhere between what both of you are willing to compromise and negotiate, in consideration of each other's value and in view of a long term relationship.

It seem that you are physically comfortable with him, which is a signal that you do enjoy some degree of close intimacy. As much as you are thinking and working out your 'risk profile' analysis, he is also working out if he should 'negotiate' his own sexual needs to give you the respect you need because he knows that it is important to you.

I am not suggesting that your man doesn't want sex - like how you have sense it, he probably wanted it. The difference might be the fact that his previous gfs might not hold that kind of value that you do (as strongly) or he might want to 'try a different approach' to the way he manage his relationship.

The possibilities are endless, but I would choose to see it as a good sign - that your man made the decision and did what you have described. Do not attribute it as a weakness personally, in which you might have deem yourself less attractive in any ways. 'Physical Touch' is only one mode of expression in love; after all, we have other four languages of love (namely: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Services). A balance relationship would also have a good mix of the other expressions in love.

Cheers

Rethinking

Have been real busy these period (what's new right? ROFLMAO!) and this week alone, there are three funerals calls for me to attend. Also, I was chatting with my YY over whatapps and I shared that I can't even find the time to blog these days.

Time and the fragility of life have kinda made me rethink about some things.

Symbolically, I might want to quit blogger and move to wordpress - that's certain. Sure, I might have to relearn how to work around stuff in a 'new environment' once again, but I think it has what I wanted. I would need to move on to 'needs that matter'.

What I 'used to want' and what 'I want now' is different. When I look at what I 'used to want', it began to make sense to me on how that will never materialize because it is somewhat destined to remain in the past. For the destined past will never be part of a proud future because the conditions that surrounded the past could never allow it to live past the past.   

I spoke greatly against a linear outlook in relationship, but ultimately, I only understood that in spirit much later.

Rethinking. A process I adopt more regularly these days.

Time Factor

We probably heard variation of this before; how much time do you need to figure out what you want in your relationship?

Time is neutral in that sense; it does not provide anything other than some reasonable buffer before putting forth commitment on our choice. In every sense of the word, time only serve to delay the process of making a choice, which entails all responsibility of having a choice made internally and expressed externally.  Decision is indeed a scary process because one of the greatest emotional fear known to mankind is the fear of regret.

Nobody wants to regret anything in life simply because we cannot go back to our past and undo them.  

But then again, it is critical (in reality) that we 'cannot change our past' because if we could - life will degenerate into some low quality computer game, in which we can always save and reload later. On the flip side of the coin: let us not forget that some of the greatest things that could ever happen to us in life often require us to first accept initial unpleasant changes - hence it may not always lead to a bad thing. 

The point I am driving is that time does not solve problems - choices do. The escalating discomfort from having gradual dissatisfaction in life will accumulate to a point of realization that time is actually a convenient excuse we use to avoid answering certain difficult questions in life.

We ended up making a choice not to make a choice. 

Aunt Agony 190612

Originally posted by Pangsehkia:

I used to have a girlfriend who was with me for 4 years. we got a couple of breakups but in the end we always patched up. It always ended up as either her or me contacting the other first. Recently about 4 months ago we broke up this time both of us seems to be determined about letting this relationship ends. I faced a pretty long and tiring 2 months of trying to forget her for real. She seem to have moved on as she got herself a new boyfriend and i seems to be able to forget crucial things about her such as her handphone number and have actually put this issue aside after the 2 months but recently i start thinking about her again and was tempted onm any occasions to give her a phone call or message her or something. (i went to check her msn profile to get the number) i know the chinese saying of "好马不吃回头草" but i am in extreme confusion on what to do now. i'm not sure why i start thinking of her again could it because one of my friends just start talking bout her again or my other friend happens to face the same problem of breaaking up with his first love or do i really still love her? Need some advice on whati should do here.




It must been a difficult period for you, especially since this breakup appears to be quite irrevocable in comparison.

Then again - why should the notion of breaking up be something that one could easily reverse the verdict? Kinda makes the word 'breaking up' sounds totally meaningless.

Perhaps as we review our relationship, we find all motes of bitterness, anger and disappointment too much for us to manage. Even if the relationship do return, the burden of these negative feelings does not vanish into thin air; in fact, everything that were swept neatly under the carpet before the relationship was called off - will spring back magically.

Do not be mistaken over the fear of loneliness for the desire of love. Since you shared that she has already moved on with someone else - the prospect of having this relationship with you again will naturally grow to be less attractive. If you choose to stick with your past, then every minute of that choice is an opportunity cost to a better future.

Cheers 

Time matters?

And tonight, Yunhaier shall discuss about a new topic: does the length of time matters in love?

Yes and no - but unfortunately, it is apt towards a secondary consideration given the fact that philosophically speaking, I would see Love closer to the realm of Empiricism than Rationalism, although it is still possible for the latter to be stronger for certain people.

Before I get the 'Dafug-ya-talking about' expression in front of your monitor, I shall explain in simpler terms.

If you are an Empiricist, love is more likely to be subjected/influence by experience than an absolute thinking process. It obviously grinds you more in the realm of emotions, which is subjectively based on the kind of experience you get when you spend time with somebody that is emotionally important to you. Surely, no relationship has ever foster without having some initial positive experience with one another - how the relationship is going to develop matters less in how the arising experience feels deep inside for you. For this, time is more likely to matter less.

If you are a Rationalist, then love is more likely to be objective (or rather, you try to find some universal law and apply them in your relationship). You are more likely to hold stronger views towards relationship in terms of values, perspectives and beliefs, while downplaying the experiential part of the relationship. There are more calculation, less risk and therefore, time is going to matter more because you don't want to waste time if you could possibly make do with this (relationship). 

Most people fall in between and oscillate between the two extreme. Sometimes, it depends on which 'mind' you are using. The emotional mind, which is a sucker for empiricism, or our logical mind, which feeds on rationalism.

Cheers

I gotten my book!

After yesterday's trip at Kinokuniya, I finally found it. Was struggling to decide if I should order online.

Choice Theory Reality Therapy has always been my main form of clinical intervention with clients and Dr William Glasser, my great grand grandmaster mentor is da bomb of this century. He is still alive and Evelyn just went over to States recently to visit him.

And the book writes:

"Nothing has harmed the quality of individual life in modern society more than the misbegotten belief that human suffering is driven by biological and genetic causes and can be rectified by taking drugs or undergoing electroshock therapy."

:)

The more I know - the more I don't

Just came back from Phuket; an extremely crucial break for me before I embark on my grand project to service elderly folks in the community.

And as I looked back into my lifespan thus far; it's interesting to note how 'I' have evolved: starting from the point where I dabbled in astrology and its related initial influence of Jung and Freud's nonsense, until the part where I fell in love with philosophy.

Sometimes people asked me where did I get all that understanding from. Frankly, I don't have answers to that question because I find myself perpetually a student. I don't, in fact, get all that understanding, which ironically made me realized the point about the more I know - the more I don't.

I have seen years of relationship crumbling down into a pile of painful sand overnight. Like my title suggested, the more they think that they understand about their relationship - the more they don't.

So... how well do you understand about your own relationship? :)

Originally posted by 0petslave0:


I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband. 


Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.


She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.


Here comes the problem. the child.


I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine. 


My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him. 


Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.


I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.


I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter. 


I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times. 


Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.


I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.



In a nutshell, there are two distinct issues; (1) of your relationship & (2) of the prospect of child rearing.

(1) Damsel in distress can be a tricky affair, especially the part where it could fuel the man's sense of power and identity by playing the role of the 'Prince'. However, the finest print clauses that are not commonly understood but are unfortunately accompanied by one of these circumstances - is the history leading to these wistful stories.

You could easily be deem as the 'one' that saved her - but like a double edge sword, you could also act as a substitute or serve as a rebound for her to acquire some degree of comfort and other safety needs. How much romantic love is involved is probably as elusive as quantum physics; the fact is that you will never know how much of those are love and/or calculated needs.

Therefore, this mental fissure naturally arises, which brings about (2) - you subconsciously expect the relationship to be between two, but in reality, it is among three. Surely, the grandiose image of love having to save your woman from a terrible marriage does seem to project the all-familiar plot of having forces of good to battle the great evil; if we were to concretize this picture, the daft reality would simply be co-dependence and mutual fulfillment of needs (e.g. financial, social, sexual and emotional).

Put it this way: nobody enters into a relationship devoid of needs; on the contrary, you are in a relationship because you have certain needs to be fulfilled and that you are getting something out of it. The dissonance only start to deepen if you are not getting what you expected to receive in values.

You seem to relate the seemingly lack of emotional connection and priority in her life towards you. Surely, it can be rather disheartening to 'sacrifice' so much for the relationship on your end (e.g. running into conflicts with parents, financial aids, childcare roles, etc) - that is probably where you get sore.

P.S: I suggest that you sought counselling services to help the both of you sort out various relational issue. You can PM me if you need contacts - if not, you can simply refer to some of the contacts we have listed in Aunt Agony.

Cheers

Fleeting Love

Peering through the calm sea,

My finite vision stretched -

Until I lost the sight of you.

The sea stared in strange dismay;

Not in agony; but in quiet sadness.

Yet for all peaceful choices made,

it has ruffled into an anxious wave -

Like passing boat

Travelling miles across the sea.  

I glanced at the shimmering sunray,

Coalescence with water

And transformed into a fiery tunnel.

Perhaps,

That is where you have ran into -

Where sight fails to catch

What refuse to be attached.  

- Yunhaier -

   250412

Hardcore Prostitute vs Hardcore Clients

I find it amusing when I read about the busted online prostitute ring started by Tang Boon Thiew and the scores of men being hauled into court and charged for having sex with this underage girl. As she is considered a minor by law, her identity cannot be revealed. Which is why you have a bunch of guys going to court and being charged for 'something that cannot be revealed' (what an irony).

Then you have criminal lawyer Subhas Anandan retorting: “How is anybody going to know what he is charged for when you don’t know who the girl is, and what her age is? Who are they trying to protect? As far as I am concerned, this girl does not deserve protection as she is a HARDCORE PROSTITUTE who got so many men into trouble”

Temasek Review had a poll, asking if the identity of the girl be exposed. Interestingly, at this moment: about 83% said "Yes; she deserves to be shamed publicly to send a warning to others", while 17% felt that "she is still young and deserves to be protected."

If we look at this issue from a sociological perspective, the value of the woman who prostitutes herself will be, very much often, slammed with a worst rating than men who paid for sex. If we analysis the result of this informal poll, it does seem to reveal an insidious subtle suggestion that it is 'normal' for guys to sleep around (even if it is paid sex), but an ignominy for woman to do likewise - with a significant number of  women also endorsing this perspective interestingly.

How is it so?

Our society is still largely a patriarchal one, therefore the mores of society does seemed to gear towards one that fit into the above scheme of thoughts. There is an unequal power in society and that would generally determine the major value of society.

   
Think about this in a relationship context - if a man is caught sleeping with a female prostitute and a woman caught sleeping with a male prostitute, what do you think is different? :)

Aunt Agony 060412 (Continued from AA 040412)

Originally posted by farnee:

Actually we have know each other for 1 yr (we work under the same project) and together for 6mths.  I can't say we don't totally understand each other just not that deep enough. He proposed to me that we would tie the knot on next year which make up to be our 1 yr courtship and i agreed. We even booked our honeymood and bridal pkg. But suddenly everything changes so fast.. i am lost.  During the phase of preparation he seems to be very happy and enjoying the process.  I don't understand.  (As well on last month my mother was hospitalise due to an car accident and was semi paralyze - likely to recover after theraphy)  I was quite stress out and perhaps shown my flaw side of stubborn and impatient side of me and he couldn't take that. 

I do not mind going thru the patience to wait for him to gradually move up to maturity in love. But i need to know how to deal with him.  He is acting like normal nothing happen infront of everyone. I am hurt this way.  the surrounding knew what is happening.  Everyone of his friend told me he is stubborn and he will think through and come back.  But i am not sure if he will.

How can i help him to come back ?  And yet doesn't give him the stress that i am wanting him back. Coz he told me straight on my face during broke off, he doesn't want me to wait and he might not come back.  He felt our characters are too stubborn and to be together will be v tired.  But i think he doesn't know to be together we need to compromise, having the inconvenience of needing to communicate etc... He mentioned he still love me very much, infact he tears .. sigh...



Our expectation of wanting to settle down is a greater good ideal that most people generally desire; unfortunately, the pace of love works independently of whether we think when it is 'rationally' good to settle down from a logical perspective. Biologically, he has slightly passed the norm age of intimacy (where relationship concerns form a significant consideration aspect of that lifespan), hence, he would naturally have to 'make up' the 'lost lessons' he failed to gain adequate mastery in his past experience, which broadly includes what I termed in my book as the Four Elements of Relationship: mutual lifestyle, communication, financial/security management and emotional connection. 

In the world of our emotional mind, it is highly complex and sometimes, it does not corroborate with our flow of logic. I can see that it can be very disheartening, confusing and discouraging to witness how he claims to still love you, but acts in a direct opposite way.

Our definition of love first sparks the direction of how we view love in our perceived world. The tiles that built upon this definition is constantly adjusted by our experience and interaction with our partners, discarding what was not helpful and keeping those that allows harmony and equilibrium. Problem lies when we choose to keep too many of the tiles we see as our individual nature and refusing to budge. The truth is that we only need to keep the main ones that openly define who we are - the immutable ones. The 'many others' actually allows room for negotiation - if that is what he/you wants.

For example, he claims that both of you are 'stubborn'. Is that an individual nature that strictly defines who you both are in a positive way? Like I am a stubborn person and I want to keep that? Probably not. Then it is probably something that is negotiable and open for evolvement.

Hence, the million dollar questions: mutually, do the both of you willing to work on it to keep the relationship or choose to discard it away just because of something that is open for negotiation?

P.S: Like I said in my previous post, it can be very trying to love someone who has not gain adequate mastery of love relationship in his/her earlier years. They have been fed with years of individualism - where they are so used in managing themselves, the freedom and all that verses the prospect of now having to compromise that space with someone else.

Is he humble enough to accept the cosmic lessons of love? Or is the 'I' more important than 'We'?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 040412

Originally posted by farnee:

How can i win a stubborn ex boyfriend back ?

Basically i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and i am his first love after 40 years of his singlehood. The reason he had presented to me for breaking off were communication problem, he find it hard to communicate with me.

Even i am willing to sit down and discuss how we can resolve the problem. I have even try to explain that every relationship has their up and down even quarrels but we need to communicate when things happen. But he is refusing to talk but chosen to broke off. He insist his way in shutting me out of his life making no contact with me saying he doesn't want to give me a chance to be his normal friend and to walk into his life again because not he don't love me but he find us not possible to love again. Yet he confessed he still have 60% of feeling for me it's just to go thru the relationship again he felt tired.

After 1 week of cooling period after broke off, we meet this afternoon during weekly event, when he saw me he tried to smile to me but i ignore him thrice. By right he is suppose to attend a meeting in the afternoon, suddenly he leave the event after lunch.


I like to know how do you guys feel when you ignore your ex GF, and when your GF ignore you back.. What is in your brain and thinking what.. will you have major wish to have her back ? ( Those relationship website, said ignore him will make him want us back) how true was that ?

He is 45 years and i am his first love. I thought he should be very much cherishing me ? Sigh..


Our chronological age has little to do with our maturity and learnings in love. In fact, if the scale of love was measured, he is probably at the stage akin to a teenager's first brush with love.

The fact is that some people intentionally avoid the 'cosmic lesson in love'; they may appear or express certain wanting to have a relationship or share a life with a significant someone, but the unconscious truth is that they are so used in living the skin of their own individualism insofar that any amount of 'self' sacrifice to the altar of love would tantamount to pure sacrilege.

Given the benefit of the doubt, still, his attempt to synchronize his theoretical understanding of what love is psychologically and his nascent love-filled emotional state would not be an easy process. Until the point where he decides to humble himself and realize that being in love means having the inconvenience of needing to communicate, empathize and to connect emotionally in a regular, effective way, there is no way on earth any love relationship is going to work for him.

If you feel that you don't have the patience for him to gradually move up the 'value chain' of maturity in love, it might prove to be a real struggle if you choose to keep the relationship. It might not be impossible, but definitely serious reconstruction effort.

Cheers

Some couples get married after short courtship

The effect of Uranus: speed marriage.

Would you?

Read it from Straits Times: You can read more here

***

Ms Hoo Yinjia and Mr Bryan Chua got engaged five months after they met.

To widen her social circle, Ms Hoo had signed up for a dating event organised by the Social Development Network last March. There, she and Mr Chua were attracted to each other and went on their first date the next weekend. Within two weeks, they became an item and marriage was soon on the cards.

Ms Hoo, 26, a customer service executive, never dated casually - she was always focused on marriage. 'My previous relationships, when I was around 20, did not work out even after we dated for about one year because we were still young and the men did not have similar life goals such as marriage and family. Bryan, on the other hand, wanted to have a family. He gave me a sense of security in our future together.'

After they dated for five months, Mr Chua, 30, an assistant manager at a non-profit organisation, proposed to her last August