Why Communicating in Relationship is so Difficult? (Part 1)

Just finished my entire lecture on Philosophy & God; finally have some quality time to blog.

Recently for some uncanny reasons, people ended up having conversation with me with themes associated with this topic "Why is it so difficult to communicate in relationship?" So here's Yunnie's my two cents. 

Anxiousness is usually the main emotional driver revolving around the conundrum of  'whether I should talk to him/her about this?' The reasoning is simple: if you have an issue that is bugging you badly right now, you would probably weigh the 'worst case' scenario through sharing verses the potential gain of a good negotiation process. 

As humans have Loss Aversion tendency (what this means is that we are more affected by the potential loss of anything than the potential gain of anything. Hence, we have tendency to avoid any form of loss), hence it appears that rationally, it may seem better not to raise potential thorny issues because we are afraid of the consequences arising from having such a conversation. 

The risk is real; especially when you brandished deep psychological fears of the other party likely to respond in an unfavorable way. You are then self-conditioned to avoid raising such conversations because the 'worst case scenario' might be a break up - which is not an outcome that you desire. 

A common struggle that many relationships face all the time is the delicate balance between managing good short term and long term goals of the relationship to ensure longevity in a meaningful sense. Obviously, no one steps into a relationship for mere love with quantity of time, but more critically,it is the profound sense of feeling loved and the wanting to love someone.

Raising difficult conversation brings about discomfort in the short term, but potentially allows greater stability to the long run. Avoiding essential conversations in the short term may ease our anxiety of not having to face short term turmoil, but it could potentially accumulates in disastrous long term famine that could be irrevocable. 

Hence the ultimate question: are you in for the long haul in love? If your answer is yes, then long term stability through forming, norming and storming are important processes that would allow individual transformation to occur, insofar that the survival of the relationship could be ensured. When you have two uniquely different people coming together in a relationship - until they have master a way to manage their conflicts and mutually have their needs met simultaneously, the merciless passage of time will annihilate the relationship through various cosmic lessons presented to them in confusing forms.    

I will construct an equation:

Premise 1: I want to be in the long haul for relationship 

Premise 2: To remain in the long haul, long term stability is crucial.  

Premise 3: Raising difficult conversations may bring about short term turmoil, but it would bring about greater long term stability in the relationship if executed effectively. Similarly, avoid raising difficult conversation in the short run would threaten long term stability in the relationship.  

Conclusion:  

Therefore to remain in the long haul, I would need to raise difficult conversation. 

   

Therefore, the psychological fear of losing the relationship must be mitigated to allow some level of essential communication to take place in the short run if one were to desire a long term relationship. 

"Then how we do execute it effectively?" 

That's part 2 :)

Cheers

Cheating Experiment

If you have a special power that allows you to cheat without getting caught forever - would you activate this power and do it?

Sounds like real fantasy, but as you gradually descends back to reality, what I am really asking is somewhat a philosophical question. Whichever answers you decide, think a little deeper and ask yourself - 'why did you choose what you choose?'

What governs you to make those choices?

Why there is nothing wrong about a materialistic girl and everything wrong about a non-materialistic guy

Reference to an article published in TRS (you can read the article here), I would honestly say that there is nothing absolutely wrong about being a materialistic girl (pretty similar to a man who only love girls with huge boobs). You can claim that they are superficial, but the problem is never about them - it is really a matter of our choice. You made the choice to date. You made the choice to pursue. You made the choice to jio her.

The bitter truth is that "it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round." After all, throughout the courting process, it is truly freewill.

The writer claims that all his previous girlfriends left him for someone richer. Truth be told that if finding a non-materialistic girlfriend (probably someone more down-to-earth) is his primary prerequisite, then his internal radar would not have picked up the ones with signs that suggested otherwise. Obviously if the writer has a history of such dating patterns, then we need to examine the nature and the development of his choices.

You see, if I walk into a Harvey Norman wanting to buy a television - no amount of persuasion, tactics or employed strategies from the salesman selling vacuum cleaner can make me part my dollar to buy his product.

Of course, that's only possible if I knew exactly what I wanted and need in the first place. Unfortunately in a context of a relationship, this becomes a little tricky. I will explain by tweaking the above scenario a little: imagine you now have $1,000, but on the condition that you must make the purchase by 30 minutes or the money gets taken back. You start scrambling to locate the TV section with no apparent success and by the 15 minutes mark, you encounter the eloquent salesman selling vacuum cleaner. Chances are, you would probably reason with yourself that you could either (1) use the money to buy at least something while you continue to look for your desired TV, (2) or risk having nothing by the end of 30 minutes.    

With the above analogy, those choices in who we accept into our lives then becomes a tool for risk management - not necessarily born out of love. A scary revelation indeed.

Perhaps we have to concede that there is a real difference between loving someone as it is and loving someone with a subconscious clause that he/she must change. For the latter, it is often our own selfish nature to maximize personal needs-fulfillment. We often abuse this actively by wanting to change our partner without first having to reexamine our personal expectation. And one likely culprit responsible for such phenomenon can be attributed to our inability or great aversion to deal with loneliness.

And because many people can't really deal with loneliness very well, the truth (for some) is that accepting an unsuitable partner appears to be a battle easier than having to deal with prolong loneliness with no signs of abating. Sometimes, it is also coupled with our self-defeating belief that if we are single, then there must be something unlovable about us - which is why we are still single.

For a start - you might want to stop feeding yourself with these self destructive thoughts. You are basically worth as much as how you validate yourself; if you figured that you are about a dollar's worth, then essentially you are just that.

Learn to take charge of your love life and be congruent about your needs; the dividends payout from adopting these principles would reward you manifolds in the marathon of love.

Cheers,
Yunhaier

Love is not Charity

Just had a conversation with someone and the gist of the conversation involves questions of going back to her ex. Perhaps it is not so much about what she has decided, but rather, the reason why this even came up.

'I feel sorry for him'. 

I think we need to establish an important principle: that love is NOT charity. Nobody enters into a relationship because they only want to give; there must be a mutual fulfillment of needs. In an absolute sense, relationships that purely give or take pretty much ends up in MH370-type disaster down the road. Everyone enters into a relationship because some aspects of your needs are reasonably being fulfilled, in which you are also then motivated to fulfill your partner's needs simultaneously.

There is no room for charity in love.

There are a number of substitute emotions that can mask the authenticity of love. Sometimes, it is not always external; it could be our inner desire for companionship crying far louder than our natural feeling for the other person. Often, we are assailed by personal insecurity or by self-limiting belief  (e.g. I don't think I can find someone else better or no one loves me like he/she does... so might as well try again).

One cannot expect time to alter the reality of things; there are reasons why certain things ended the way it did. Therefore, one must anticipate that these reality of things will continue to haunt us - regardless of the amount of time you put between 'then' and 'now', especially if these are fundamental challenges.

Time does not resolve fundamental challenges; it merely distort our understanding in the resolution of these problems and creates an illusion of change. Fundamental problems require critical self-negotiation and conscious acceptance in the trade off. If you cannot accept the situation in the past, then going back is just relearning an old lesson. If you have come to a genuine acceptance, then the need to reconcile with what you have traded off is paramount because (going back to the earlier principle) you are in a relationship not for charity. People often downplay or minimizes this traded off equation - thinking that they can manage effectively - but only to ghastly discover how it gradually transform into some demonic resentment later on in life.

One MUST be able to resolve this dissonance at this level; if not, it is probably around-the-world in eighty days in bitterness. Twice the strength.

Cheers,

Yunhaier

The True Purpose of an Engagement

The true propose of an Engagement

Recently, I have been engaged - proposed to my fiancée and the finally having the dream of being able to make plans of tomorrow. It was conclusion of a proposal plan, but ground zero towards planning to live a life together.

It is a struggle - of deciding to make a choice between pragmatism (to apply a house first) and lifespan because I find it strange to discuss a mutual future together, without an explicit commitment. Frankly, asking a woman to register a house with you is already some form of implicit proposal. in fact, it is already a great deal of commitment as the consequence to back off from a HDB deal after you have committed into it would easily set you back thousands of dollars.

Therefore, it is already a form of proposal - albeit not the kind that most women want.

Hence, wouldn’t it be wise to propose first and make your plans later?

Well, I will share one fundamental challenge and I term it as the “Twin demons of Finances and Biological Age”.

Let me walk you through a common thinking:
Premise one: I need to finish my university education first so that can earn more in the future and provide for my family.
Premise two: Although I need to work for a few years to clear educational loans, in the long run, I am likely to be better off. Simultaneously, I can also try to save up for wedding and house
Premise three: I need to have a new house immediately after my wedding, so that I can then start my new life together. Staying with in-laws is a no-no as there is too much horror in laws stories. No children before the new house.  
Premise four: A new house will take time to come (unless I am willing to pay for one at resale market).
Premise five: Therefore, I would need to apply a house way before, so that I can plan my wedding near the date when I can collect the keys to my house.  


People are marrying later, not because they want to, but the route towards adulthood by a standard pathway is already a delayed process. For example, if you are a guy going by a JC pathway, it would take you reasonably 25-26 years old (for a 4-years university education) before you start earning your first dollar (not considering the fact that you are likely to have educational debts). Unless you are fortunate to hold a well-paying job with great increment/bonus prospect, you will probably need to work for a few years to pay off your debts BEFORE you are debt free enough to start serious savings.

That is only considering the fact that you did not incur additional liability like purchasing a car.

And if your lady is the same age as you, this will likely to post a problem because woman would have a much earlier head start. Using the same analogy, a girl going by a JC pathway will complete her education by 22-23 years old (for a 4-years university education). She would likely to clear her study loan earlier, have more CPF in her account and hold higher salary (that is before childbirth of course. In the long run, statistically speaking, man will somehow earn more).

However, if she dreams of having children of her own, then she doesn’t have forever to decide.

When you combine the above profile together, you get a typical marriageable age of 29-30 years old for a middle income family situation.

So is that why the twin demonic problem of finances and biological age result in many problems?

People want to secure their house early, settle their dream wedding and have children before a certain age.

I hardly hear people talk about having the importance of a stable relationship, an emotionally intimate and connected love that inspires you enough insofar as you want to genuinely spend the rest of your life with this special person. And my sense is that people assume that this is a given process – that’s to say that all relationship will develop itself into this picture of love.

The horrific truth is that our local statistics shows that about one in three marriages will fail. Therefore, this seemingly natural picture of love is not as common as we think it existed. I find it more troubling to hear “Fuck, my relationship is in trouble, but I have an awesome house” than “Fuck, I don’t have a house, but my relationship is awesome’.  

The true meaning of a proposal is not merely to spend the rest of your life together; it is a conscious choice to relinquish the options of dating someone else romantically and forgoing all possible opportunity cost attached to such a possibility. Engagement is the first step to ingrain this belief, not because of any external factors that ‘leave you with little room to negotiate’ but the understanding that you are given full freedom of choice and this freedom of choice is him/her.

Man - just remember: your woman is not obliged to say yes even if you proposed. And when she says ‘Yes’, you want to be sure that it is because she loves you. Period. Not because she needs to ROM with you within 6 months upon having key to the HDB. Not because she wants to have a grand envious wedding by 27 years old. Not because she wants to have her first child by 28 years old.

But because she loves you. Unconditionally.  

 

Regrets (again) III: The Fear of Regret

The fear of regret on the other hand strikes with a vorpal blade of paralysis, inflicting great terror of immobility to decision making. The struggle of our current plight becomes less terrifying than the prospect of an unknown decision leading to an adventuring route you have never traveled before.  

That is therefore the fear of regrets; lassitude and ambivalent.

Just spring cleaned my room; it's always a cringing experience whenever I unearthed old stuff and read things I wrote more than a decade ago. I always cringed at my earlier poorly expressed juvenile writing and at this juncture, I am unable to comprehend my teenage state of mind/emotions when I wrote those nonsense.

Honestly, I cannot readily figure out how all that gathered and developed into my current state of thinking. Tried to recall back the pathway and it is an impossible task because of the sheer amount of refining done to my mind, which resulted in irrevocable changes.

I was writing emo-stuff. Loads of it. And regret of fear does pop out time to time. It is only until I have decided to make a choice to leave things behind... does things really get left behind.

The fear of regret then thus become an illusion.

I don't think it is reasonable to accept that things remain static or unchangeable permanently. At every given moment, we are confronted with choices that will shape our destiny. The fear in making choices - though might appear that we have deep seated fear of regrets - is really about our fear of assuming responsibility for the choice we make. In love, very often, we want others to make the decision instead (e.g. if he/she doesn't love me anymore, he/she should let me go).

However, that's quite a flawed thinking; nobody but ourselves is holding us back. If he/she doesn't love you, you can decide what you want to do with this information.

Non-action itself is thus a choice.  

Regrets (again)

Ah! Same old topic again.

Regret in love is one of the most lasting poignant feelings one could ever experience in life. The resolution of regret can be a very trying affair with good possibility of having no desired conclusion that we hope to gain.    

It is often accompanied by a collective legion of sadness and intense remorse - akin to how the wings of plane are always found attached to the fuselage - often disrupting our otherwise humdrum phase of life.

There are two important distinctions when it comes to the form of regrets; one is our fear of regrets and the other being the pain of regrets. Regardless of its form, this emotion arises because of (1) our ability to recall experience and (2) our ability to make comparative judgment.

Hence, making logical comparison between present and future can produce fear of regrets (hypothesizing), while comparison between past and present can induce regrets (reflection).

Precisely because we have recollection powers, we have the condition to make comparative judgments and experience regrets.

Perhaps, if we are all like goldfish with 3-second memory span, then such emotion would be next to impossible.

I will share about each distinction in my upcoming posts. 

Regrets (again) II: Pain of Regrets

Our past, albeit it has everything to do with where we are at now, is but an illusionary aspect of our reality. Our mind thoughtlessly stored memories of our past, creating a husk of an empty coconut whose original function of protecting its content has been made redundant. Picking up the shell no longer holds meaning, other than a cruel reminder of our choice we made in the distant past.  

That is therefore the pain of regret; helpless and wistful.

The Buddha has it right; truth is that all things are impermanent. The bad news is that good decision doesn't remain right all the time, while the good news is that our misery will not continue forever as well.

I will share a short story, which I feel that it captures that essence on the pain of regrets:

***

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

***

Regret, like anger, is a self-inflicted pain. Perhaps, it is not so much about being accepting about circumstances, much more than the realization in learning to let go of things that isn't meant to be.  

More couples apply flat before marriage

More people are actually applying for flats before getting married. Not surprising though - you can read the article here

Just had a conversation with Cheryl and I was just sharing about the 'ideals' of proposing first before everything else - like applying for flat. I mean if a couple is applying for flat, like it or not: that is already somewhat a soft proposal. Cheryl kind of agreed and was quite shocked when I told her that this phenomenon is pretty much the norm these days (you got to excuse her startling revelation considering the fact that she has been living overseas for quite a while).  

Pragmatic concerns may be important, but then again, even from a pragmatic point of view - if your relationship were to be terminated before you get your flat, the harsh penalty of 5% of purchase price will set you back easily by 20k - 30k, as compared to a proposal ring alone (unless you decide to blow a greater insane amount on a ring).

Hack, if your relationship is not yet secure but your flat is - it actually carries more risk than having to propose first and to plan out everything else later. After all, proposing itself IS already a commitment that you are taking this relationship a little bit further. It is pretty much the same as getting a flat together.

Also, planning does not necessarily mean getting the flat immediately after the proposal - you can decide what the relationship needs so that both of you can be more emotionally prepared for marriage. Being emotionally ready IS an important prerequisite.

Some people argued about the lack of time period to wait - my take is that if you are planning to live with this person for the rest of your life, your decide if this small fraction of time spent is worth the while in view of say a 40 - 50 years lifeline.

A relationship is more likely to succeed, even without a well-planned registration of BTO flat if its foundation is robust, as compared to having key to your BTO flat, but with a cui (feeble) relationship.

Broken Woman and her Destiny (Part 2)

And thus, people believe that they are bounded by their destiny. The hideous past coming to haunt them, only to 'coerce' them to make a choice that set precedence for their future to be haunted by their present choice.

Before you know it, it has become a vicious cycle.

A destiny is forged.

Somehow, the woman in such a predicament failed to perceived the truth nature of her destiny; that destiny is in fact a summation and collection of all the choices she has made this lifetime. Till the day her life ends, the illusion of a ill-fated destiny creates a mechanism of being reasonable to be angry at life. Acceptance is rejected because she would believe that the destiny is 'created' by someone else.

Someone else... something out there... other than her...is responsible for her destiny. Hence, how can she accept something that is 'given' by someone?

She gave the abnegate the power of her choice and give up changing her destiny. She became a slave to her past.

With that thinking, her fate is really sealed. (To be continued...)

Broken Woman and her Destiny (Part 1)

Apologies for the inactive posting; my forum has been rather quite dead these days and my personal schedule has been rather packed. Told myself that I shall at least post today.

You see, I am already dealing with a lot of emotions and problems during the course of my offline work. Sometimes, it creates an inverse relationship with my blogging life. Basically what I mean is that the more intensive my offline work becomes, the less I am inclined to blog.

Self care is something critical to keep my mind sane. I can't be dealing with problems 24/7 and I do have quite a busy personal life.

***

Today's topic is about love and choices - which I deemed this as the foremost principle in love (in CloUdism of course).  It is almost like I have engraved it my own words in some gold plated plaque, constantly being reminded by this principle regardless of how my own book of love has evolved over the years.

Love is involuntary; relationship is voluntary. Therefore, it is we who chose our partners, not the other way round. 

I came across a severely broken woman, who has made a couple of 'unwise' choices as perceived by her own peers and bystanders. The process to pick herself up is tremendously encumbering; each attempt being marred by another bout of unwise choice and resulting in a downward spiral to bleak hell.

The profile of this lady is a classic one; one that blames her destiny and the men she met. It is always the men around her and that she has played the cast and recite the script of a sorry love life for ages. Each recitation reaffirmed the fact that her destiny is at such pitiful stage and that she proceeds with her love life almost like a chance gamble - never stopping for a quiet introspection to decide if her journey in her love life is heeding towards an accident.

It is unfortunate that her love and belonging need is way too intensive till the point that she fulfills them in an ineffective way; the inability to manage her fear of loneliness, reinforced over and over again by tons and tons of bad childhood experience. That having someone 'lousy' is still better than having 'nobody'.

Thus, the choice is a logical one. Keep the bad ass then.

Because they have been taught that they are unloving and that they deserved only such caliber of partner/s.

(To be continued)

Truth of Marital Counselling

A relationship does not change simply because of a 'marital title. Not very much, especially when the relationship has been running for quite a while.

The entire system of managing the relationship is so deeply entrenched that tweaking parts of it would instantly hurl the couple into their discomfort zone. But yet, some necessary fundamental changes that wasn't adequately learned during courtship will find its way and boomerang for additional 'tutorial' lessons.

Just like our incumbent party has serious problems in trying to reinvent itself; a deeply entrenched relationship-now-marriage will, likewise, finds it hard to do. Evolution is a slow process and the odds of a successful outcome depends largely on the amount of petrol left in the car to push through the winter, so as to catch glimpse of what spring would look like.

Does your marriage feel like this? So for today's post, I will shed some understanding on marital counselling:

(1) If you figure out that you are in need of serious repair in your marriage, it is always better to seek some professional help way before so that repair work could be done in a meaningful way. No doctors are likely able to save you if you wait for cancer to complicates till stage IV, which is likely to be fatal. If that happens, then it brings me to the next point...

(2) Marital Counselling is NOT a miracle
If you don't have the power to resurrect the dead, neither would marital counselling able to revive a dead relationship. Dead is define as the lost of will and commitment to work on the relationship, despite subsequent processing.

(3) If you are hoping that your counsellor will do all the work for you, then you are likely to be in for a shock. Common roles of a counsellor are often (i) to facilitate negotiation, (ii) impart effective communication skills to express needs, (iii) manage conflict and (iv) to prepare the couple for life without the need of the counsellor to perform i, ii, iii.

Cheers

Checklist Syndrome

ST last sat ran a report on Singaporeans and marriages. Boy, nothing written in the article surprise me. You can read more. I will paste a copy of the article below:

***

The Checklist Syndrome

by Jessica Lim

A "checklist" syndrome is the biggest stumbling block when it comes to Singaporeans finding spouses, said dating experts.

This list of expectations applies not just for potential mates but also for themselves in, say, career.

Commenting on a survey's findings released earlier this week that found that singles yearned to tie the knot one day, but had not found their ideal partner, or wanted to focus on their career first, several dating experts The Straits Times spoke to blamed one thing: the checklist.

Owner of dating agency Clique Wise, Mr Jackiey Kwek, who has spoken to about 10,000 single Singaporeans since it opened six years ago, said: "They've hit a certain point in their career. They have a high-paying job, a big house, a nice car. They now want a soulmate who can fit into their lifestyle."

The 38-year-old has had clients with PhDs who insist on dating only PhD holders. Some give him a list of professions they want their prospective date to be in. Pilot, doctor, lawyer and banker come up tops in this list.

Dating agencies said women typically want a spouse who earns more, is taller and older, at least as educated, exudes confidence and has reached a certain rank within a company.

"I tell my lady clients, happiness doesn't always come at 1.75m," said Ms Violet Lim, founder of Lunch Actually, chuckling.

Men, on the other hand, typically hope to clinch a date with someone who is pleasant-looking, slim and family-oriented. Some also ask to date women lower on the career ladder than they are.

Associate professor of sociology at the National University of Singapore Paulin Tay Straughan, who teaches a module for freshmen called "The Social Construction of Romantic Love", thinks the checklists for women have become longer - the result of educated women wanting men who can add value to their lives.

"They want what is portrayed as the ideal match. Look at how love is portrayed on TV. There is hardly ever a show where a hero is shorter than a heroine," she said. "We are a slave to societal norms."

"The minute you have a relationship where friends think your partner is not good-looking, or parents think he is not good enough, doubts are seeded," she said. "Everyone is chasing a fairy tale."

Her advice is for singles to just go out with different people and not hold out for that ideal partner.

She said: "As long as you date and expand your social circle, in time, you will come to know what you really want and not what society says you should want."

However, expanding one's social circle may not be easy.

The owners of Lunch Actually, Clique Wise and other dating agencies like Affinity Again said most of their clients meet fewer than 10 new people a year.

The owner of Affinity Again, Ms Betty Goh, said: "They say they are working. After work, they go home and rest. When they do go out, it's with friends they already know."

Ms Susan Low, 28, a graduate in economics and finance from RMIT University in Australia, has been single for the past decade.

The bank manager admits that she does not meet many new people socially. She has gone on several dates set up by friends but these did not lead to anything.

Her checklist? An older man with at least a university degree and who is not overly religious. She is not particular about the job he holds.

Recounting a recent incident when she chatted someone up at a party and got monosyllabic replies, she said: "In Singapore... men don't strike up conversations that frequently. It's not easy."

So what are the solutions?

Ms Lim called it a "numbers game". "Out of 10 new people you meet, there may be mutual attraction with maybe four, and maybe in the end, one will work out.

"Go for singles events. Widen the number of people you meet. Be proactive."

Mr Kwek of Clique Wise suggests changes in three areas - at home, school and work. Schools can have more co-ed activities, he said, adding that employers can help staff mingle via, say, wine- tasting activities.

"Parents should also encourage relationships at school. Stop saying that studies come first."

Schools said they leave students alone when it comes to relationships. The senior director for marketing and communications at Singapore University of Technology and Design, Ms Corinna Choong, said its student population has a good mix of boys and girls. "The students mingle on their own and pair up by themselves. The school doesn't interfere in this aspect," she added.

***

Many single people brandish unrealistic wants; but it's no fault of theirs because it is how 'concept' are being taught to us in school - "Aim higher, study hard and you will achieve great results."

Somehow this mantra doesn't really work as effective in relationship as compared to studies. 

The paradox of love is that aiming higher or dreaming of perfection does not always lead to satisfactory results. Also, hardworking folks labouring in love does not always lead to satisfactory result. One does not simply win in love by sheer hard work - it takes some level of wisdom and understanding to put all that effort to conjure the most amazing magical effect. 

Many guys reckon that if one is rich, he can get any woman he wants. Not necessarily true. Below is the proposal of Flamboyant billionaire Jho Low surprise engagement proposal for Elva Hsiao. The proposal is rumoured to cost of £1m (RM4.9 million). 

Details is as follows:

(1) The event took place on a private beach at pricey hotel resort Atlantis, The Palm – the most famous hotel on the island of Palm Jumeirah, off Dubai.

(2) Couple arriving in a black Rolls-Royce and strolling to the beach, where candles are laid out in a gigantic Valentine heart.

(3) The couple, holding each other, then proceed to dine on an luxurious set – claimed to be the work of Dubai’s architectural and interior design firm Ali Bakhtiar Designs – as a laser show outlines the couple’s silhouette.

(4) The couple enjoy their meal while being serenaded by a harpist and a violinist. It is no ordinary violin either, for it is studded with what appears to be precious stones.

(5) Breaking the romantic tone, several parachutists descend from the sky and land on the beach to present Hsiao with jewellery made by Swiss luxury brand Chopard.

However, the outrageous extravagance was reportedly not enough to move Hsiao’s heart. Apple Daily says it understands that Hsiao (right), 33, rejected the proposal and only saw Low, 31, as a “little brother”. The newspaper also reported that a spokesperson had denied claims that Low had proposed to Hsiao at the event, stressing that it was just a “romantic dinner”.

Penang-born Low, who is reportedly part of Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak’s inner circle, is best known for his attempts to woo American socialite Paris Hilton and hard partying habits with his A-list friends in the United States.

Low, whose real name is Low Taek Jho, is the son of a Penang tycoon who reportedly has close links with Middle Eastern investors.

Locally, he is reportedly involved with the Terengganu Investment Authority (TIA) – now known as the 1Malaysia Development Bhd (1MDB) – and UBG Bhd, which is owned by the family of Sarawak Chief Minister Abdul Taib Mahmud.

Perfect proposal? Still futile in the end. 

Runaway brides in Singapore

An interesting insight interview with regards to runaway brides in Singapore. You can access part one of the article here and part two here 

The situation in Singapore is such that rational couple tends to secure a flat first before proposing; almost like putting the cart before the horse as couples would have to wait for two and a half years to four years for a flat. Imagine getting married and having no place of your own to stay unless you contemplate on renting in open market. Hence, most couple ended up staying with their in-laws until their house is ready for them to move in.

Nothing wrong with that actually (other than possible horror in-laws stories); just that it is kind of hard to 'rationalize' an emotional decision because not everyone holds the philosophy of pragmatism. Kiasu (afraid-of-losing-out) Singaporeans are deeply influenced and amazingly shaped by our rigid educational system of desiring a perfect pathway in life. Somehow, people have this great fear of 'wasting' time- taking some reasonable amount of time to stop and reflect is wastage, hence the option is always to move forward.

So when the hit happens, the crash is often painful beyond description, rippling across all ecological systems in the couple's life.

Sometimes, there are no solutions in relationship; it's all about managing. To cling on solutions when there is none is basically asking for ambrosia for breakfast - disappointment and disillusion will follow next.

Separation

Nobody likes separation; especially towards friendship or relationship you truly treasure deep inside. It is probably one of the hardest thing in life to come in terms with and process constructive meaning out of the loss. Sometimes, it's about the fear of losing this strong attachment which you have identified with so strongly - it became an unconscious poison.

We only have two choices when we face separation; to face it with gaiety or to deal with it with gloom. Either way, the outcome remained the same.

I must concede to the fact that the moment of loss is inevitable; the pain of having something so close to your heart symbolically vanishing is deep anguish. Surely not that people are gone forever, but the symbolic representation of things have altered.

"Everything flows and nothing abides, everything gives way and nothing stays fixed." - Heraclitus

Tendency of Negotiation of Korean Couples

Recently, I attended 3rd CIFA conference as I have to do an oral presentation on the research I have done on behalf for my agency. I had the privilege to sit through a sharing on how couples negotiate their differences across five different countries (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, Korea and China - Shanghai). I took one snap shot of this slide when the Korean researcher was sharing.

Not sure if you people can see anything; basically it shares some insights about Korean couples in generally.

Anyone shares similar method of conflicts resolution in your own relationship? :)

Cheers

Love is just another Nature's Tricks?

Arthur Schopenhauer's view on love has strong biological underpinning. He reasoned that our biological nature is the reason why love exist. It only has one singular purpose: procreation. The will to life is the driving force behind our understanding of what love is. Below is some extract of his words:

"The only true purpose, the real purpose of every communion in love is the procreation, the birth of a child, although people who are in love are unable to conceive the nature's treacherous way, casting over the actual act a shining veil ".

"The pleasure, the voluptuousness of mutual sexual possession, is nothing but a trap. Nature is filling the gaps with new individuals. Examine two beings who are seeking to satisfy this imperative instinct called love. One could see in their eyes, filled with lust, a new being taking shape; in their sexual joining, after which they crave, is the union of two beings into one."

Schopenhauer concludes: "Love is only the species' will for survival, the need to propagate de species and it's detrimental to illusions and passing joys the human feels ".

Therefore, according to Schopenhauer, the reason why you fall in love with the person you are in love with and not someone else is because of the fact that he/she possess physical attributes that would complement you to produce the perfect-balanced child. Hence, a short woman would date a tall man so that their child would have an 'ideal' height.

Typical style of Schopenhauer's belief: pessimistic and gloomy.

***

If we are all prisoners of our nature, then it would be impossible to find married couple making the choice not to have children albeit they are biologically-healthy enough to procreate. Nature is but one partial factor in love; to believe that it is the main force is inaccurate. But he is right only in the sense that love cast a shining veil to mask a true intention.

So what is the true intention of love? What is it masking?

Yunhaier defines the true intention of love as fulfillment of cosmic lessons, driven by what I termed as effect from relationship that are primarily karmic by nature. Therefore, to understand relationship, we first need to understand what is "Karmic" and how it is imbedded by nature and skillfully disguised as love.

Once, an homeless woman confided with me about her previous marriage and how much abuse she has sustained all these years. Eventually, she made the choice to leave him only to meet another man, who end up abusing her. My training in social work would have easily understood it as a cycle of violence and she is more likely to end up with another mate who would repeat this cycle. Interestingly, especially in the case of family violence, victims are often drawn to mates who originally appears to provide protection and safety due to a variety of reasons, but end up transforming into an abuser themselves.

There are a few reasons why people stayed in abusive relationship. Sometimes, it is for practical reason (e.g. financial, accommodation, etc), while others might be for emotional reasons - even if it is ineffective (e.g. he abuse me but he is a nice guy, he is the only person that cared as my family abandoned me, etc). Regardless of reasons, what's certain is the effect and the choice to remain in the relationship promised much misery and challenges until real intervention sets in.

And if "Karmic" is about the manifestation in varying degree of elements and conditions of misery, sadness, hurt, disappointment, anger, bitterness or resentment in the course of the relationship, virtually no relationship is absolutely spared from the above experience. Even the best of relationship, leading to marriage with zero experience of arguments whatsoever, would experience some level of sadness upon the passing of their spouse.

Therefore, all relationship are karmic by nature.

Grace asked me "then does it mean that we need to avoid relationship?" Of course not; in fact, relationship can be one of the most meaningful/beautiful things in life.

You see, if all relationship are karmic by nature, then if one could find the partner that has less karmic manifestation, these people tends to have happier relationship. Much of it is also due to the individual's ability to evolve when they are leading the relationship (I won't go into details here though). Then you might ask again, how do we know which is 'more' or 'less' karmic in nature?

Ah! This is where the logic stops. Because we generally do not know what our cosmic lesson in love is and what it wants us to learn in this lifetime.

For example: if the perpetrator is abusive due to a root cause say 'possessiveness' - until the possessiveness is adequately resolved, the danger of abusing is likely to return. Surely, the perpetrator would not realize that he is possessive until he ends up with relationships that work simultaneously to spark this off. However, what is driving behind the formation of this relationship and the initial unconscious choice to be with their chosen partner is the teleological result or final cause of him needing to overcome the lessons of 'possessiveness' that life presents. He would then be attracted to a partner that would provide the condition and opportunity to learn this particular lesson in love - which I called it cosmic lesson.

Love is not a will of life; it is a struggle to understand our cosmic lessons in love and how to overcome them to achieve a greater self.

 "It is absurd to suppose that ends are not present [in nature] because we do not see an agent deliberating." - Aristotle

Systemic Understanding of Relationship

For today's sharing, I will quote my grand master's words (William Glasser) in his book "Choice Theory - a New Psychology of Personal Freedom"

"We struggle together to survive. It is easier, more efficient and usually feels better than if we struggle by ourselves. Of course, we need others to satisfy our need for love and belonging. We discover that it feel good to use some of our power to help others and that we may gain more power in the process. When we seek freedom, we do so with the hope that someone will always welcome us back when we want to come back. We prefer learning and having fun with others. This is the ideal way to satisfy our basic needs - trying to get close and stay close to each other.

People who have no close relationships are almost always lonely and feel bad. They have no confidence that they will feel good tomorrow because tomorrow will be as lonely as today. Unlike happy people, they concentrate on short-term pleasure. The alcoholic lives for the immediate feelings provided by the alcohol; that he may wrap his car around a tree does not cross his mind. When pleasure is concerned, unhappy people may be totally irrational when they are seeking instant gratification. 

Although the actual feelings that accompany pleasure without relationships may be similar to how we feel when we are enjoying relationships, the activities that lead to these similar feelings are different. Beware of getting involved with people who seem to be able to feel good but have no close friends. They may be witty and fun to be around, but their humor is all put-down and hostility. If you marry such a person, you will soon be the recipient of that hostile humor and may regret it for the rest of your marriage. Look for someone who has good friends whom he or she treats well and whom you enjoy being with, too. Someone who does not have good friends does not know how to love."

One does not live in a world of their own - images filled solely with our partners. Our lives consist of other equally important aspects; fairing inadequately in one area of our life will somehow bring about negative effect on others parts - even if there isn't any form of direct connection between these two entities. 

This is systemic understanding of relationship: one that is balance, fulfilling and enriching. 

Cheers

My Dying Client II

There... my client finally passed away... in a way he has envisioned according to his will and expectation. A naggy intuition told me that he won't survive till his bday and I have to visit him this week. I was glad that I did - and that I had fought against my onslaught of heavy work volume and personal obligation to pay him a quiet visit on my own freewill on Thursday. There I shook his hands for the final time. We exchanged smiles. I told him I have done everything I could possible do within the scope of my profession. Now is the time that he has to figure and make meaning of his final moment. He thanked me.

If I have given myself an excuse to say that I would pay him a visit next week - I would have missed the boat permanently. It is a conscious choice to decide if he is just another case number or another human being anxious about the prospect of death, in which he has never experience before. He is accepting of his circumstances, but that does not mean that he knows what lies ahead. In varying degrees, we are all curious about the final end, but when the time draws near, it is as scary as entering preschool for the first time.

Nobody has died and came back to reveal about what lies ahead. The secrecy surrounding death would make ISD looks like some children organization for no Mas Selamat has ever escape death, with records unbroken since the birth of life.

I am sure we will meet again, in another dimension or incarnation. Who knows? Perhaps... when I know I am dying myself and I have this young man/girl hanging around me for support, it could be him playing the role I have played for him.

My Dying Client

I have a client, who suffers from a terminal illness. Back then around May 2012, he is someone who come across to me as carefree and independent.

As I entered into the ICU ward: there he lies - bedridden and shrouded with strings of tubes and cords around his customized bed, plugged into cold machine and alien equipment. The freedom he used to enjoy is now a recent past. He is alone in his ward, for his condition is too precarious to be living with someone else. Truthfully, he is depended on advanced technology to supply him with oxygen and nutrients for survival.

In other words, he is effectively dying. His days are truly numbered. Concrete and in his face. Not merely an abstract thought.

His voice was feeble and I can barely make any coherent meaning out of his statement. His breathless state constantly robbed him of the opportunity to speak clearly as it has began to take toil on his lung by mere speech. The output of air is way too much for him through talking and his energy deteriorated hastily as his eyes wavered between closing (for some rest) and battling to stay open as he was conscious about the fact that there was a visitor.

Illness has not stole away his common sense of courtesy - though I wouldn't have take it personally even if he had rested for a long moment without speaking to me.

I just wanted my presence around.

I have done and achieved all our mutual set goals as a social worker. He was appreciative of that and make sure that I know it well by thanking me. Many times in fact. I shared that I am here because I want to be there for him: the geniune humane support because he is not just another 'case number' in my system. There he is - a dying man - who is anxious about the prospect of death and wondered where the route ahead lies. I do not profess that I know exactly how he feels, but that does not hinder me in any ways on how I could be there for him professionally.

I know his story. The goldmine of narrative that hid great stash of his personal values, perspective, regrets and glorious moments.  

I stood there for a brief moment. I lower myself near to him as he could not hear him very well. Regardless of content, I just nodded and smiled.

Before I left, he reminded me to wash my hands as it was for my own safety.

My clients. The thoughtful guy.

As I left the hospital, an old quote from Erich Fromm came into my mind: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve and from which he cannot escape" (Man for Himself).