Aunt Agony 060412 (Continued from AA 040412)

Originally posted by farnee:

Actually we have know each other for 1 yr (we work under the same project) and together for 6mths.  I can't say we don't totally understand each other just not that deep enough. He proposed to me that we would tie the knot on next year which make up to be our 1 yr courtship and i agreed. We even booked our honeymood and bridal pkg. But suddenly everything changes so fast.. i am lost.  During the phase of preparation he seems to be very happy and enjoying the process.  I don't understand.  (As well on last month my mother was hospitalise due to an car accident and was semi paralyze - likely to recover after theraphy)  I was quite stress out and perhaps shown my flaw side of stubborn and impatient side of me and he couldn't take that. 

I do not mind going thru the patience to wait for him to gradually move up to maturity in love. But i need to know how to deal with him.  He is acting like normal nothing happen infront of everyone. I am hurt this way.  the surrounding knew what is happening.  Everyone of his friend told me he is stubborn and he will think through and come back.  But i am not sure if he will.

How can i help him to come back ?  And yet doesn't give him the stress that i am wanting him back. Coz he told me straight on my face during broke off, he doesn't want me to wait and he might not come back.  He felt our characters are too stubborn and to be together will be v tired.  But i think he doesn't know to be together we need to compromise, having the inconvenience of needing to communicate etc... He mentioned he still love me very much, infact he tears .. sigh...



Our expectation of wanting to settle down is a greater good ideal that most people generally desire; unfortunately, the pace of love works independently of whether we think when it is 'rationally' good to settle down from a logical perspective. Biologically, he has slightly passed the norm age of intimacy (where relationship concerns form a significant consideration aspect of that lifespan), hence, he would naturally have to 'make up' the 'lost lessons' he failed to gain adequate mastery in his past experience, which broadly includes what I termed in my book as the Four Elements of Relationship: mutual lifestyle, communication, financial/security management and emotional connection. 

In the world of our emotional mind, it is highly complex and sometimes, it does not corroborate with our flow of logic. I can see that it can be very disheartening, confusing and discouraging to witness how he claims to still love you, but acts in a direct opposite way.

Our definition of love first sparks the direction of how we view love in our perceived world. The tiles that built upon this definition is constantly adjusted by our experience and interaction with our partners, discarding what was not helpful and keeping those that allows harmony and equilibrium. Problem lies when we choose to keep too many of the tiles we see as our individual nature and refusing to budge. The truth is that we only need to keep the main ones that openly define who we are - the immutable ones. The 'many others' actually allows room for negotiation - if that is what he/you wants.

For example, he claims that both of you are 'stubborn'. Is that an individual nature that strictly defines who you both are in a positive way? Like I am a stubborn person and I want to keep that? Probably not. Then it is probably something that is negotiable and open for evolvement.

Hence, the million dollar questions: mutually, do the both of you willing to work on it to keep the relationship or choose to discard it away just because of something that is open for negotiation?

P.S: Like I said in my previous post, it can be very trying to love someone who has not gain adequate mastery of love relationship in his/her earlier years. They have been fed with years of individualism - where they are so used in managing themselves, the freedom and all that verses the prospect of now having to compromise that space with someone else.

Is he humble enough to accept the cosmic lessons of love? Or is the 'I' more important than 'We'?

Cheers

Philosophy and Love

Philosophy in love? Can eat or not?

Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:

Monism and Dualism.

I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.


Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.

Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.

At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.

Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.

Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.

Changes in relationship

Today’s sharing is about some work reflection:

The only constant thing in life is changes; to harbor an unchanging attitude towards all phenomenon in the world is a sure ticket to suffering. We cannot expect things to always remain the way it is and since everything in life evolves, it is our responsibility to steer the change into constructive transformation and avoid degrading.

I think it’s quite depressing to witness how one’s choices inevitable sink them into whirlpool of immerse suffering and regret, especially if they have a choice in the past NOT to make certain choice/s. Somehow, it’s kinda linked – people make bad choices in life and in return made even worst choices. I began to wonder if it is truly the choices that are bad per se, or does it suggest something deeper and darker?

Closely related to the first law of CloUdiSm: do not ever date someone with the intention of trying to change the person.

You will fail. Fail absolutely. Fail miserably. In the most intense disappointing manner ever.

You will never fully recover from the trauma; because you will die by the very same curse you seek to exorcise.

It is not the choice that is bad, but rather, the perspective that we carry with the choice. People become harden and crystallized into a persona self actualized from their personal development. We are already rooted, hence it is incredibly arduous to unearth those dirt, let alone change them. Surely you can work on perspective, but you will find it extremely difficult to find adoption in a wholesome fashion.

Partially yes. But in a selective mode – usually only those that retain status quo.

Let me explain why failure is almost certain – people ONLY change upon a strong catalysis. Like if I want to turn water into steam, I would have to boil it. Only with heat can water evaporate and transform into vapors. And you being the person who sees problems in things are the only catalysis that would seek to change it. Everything else is just ‘warmness’ – you are the heat. Upon the reaction of change, you will dissolve yourself in order for change to occur. You will inevitably displaced yourself so that change will happen, but you put yourself at great risk of not be able to survive through the change.

However, someone else down the road would. They will gladly thank you for the wonderful dirty job done because you made the personal sacrifice to impart certain important lessons in life. They are happy because someone else has fought tooth and claw to overcome countless of challenges, so as to allow the recipient to mature. Upon realization, these efforts will benefit the next in line, who has done absolutely nothing to enjoy the fruit of your labour.

You are forgotten; other than some fading memory, there is nothing exceptional. With time, you are trashed away, almost like anything else in life.

The world cares nothing about the ideals of the man. It is cruel and emotionless.

We all once live in the shoe of this man. Even if you are taken out of the picture, be proud of what you have done and move along. Even if you must exit, do not turn your shoulders over. People will rejoice at your abject stupidity and blast at how moronic you are.

But still keep faith and walk forth. Someday… someone will return your honor back.

Because at the end of the day, we are judge by our deeds and not what we possess.

Effect of Cosmic Lesson in Love (feat Portia Nelson)

I finally found THE poem that accurately explain the stages of love in such concise and beautiful weave of words that I instantly fell in love with it. The way Portia Nelson tried to portray his meaning of life in this poem (Autobiography in Five Chapters) is just gruesomely apt - just that CloUdiSm explained that under the notion of love.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
Portia Nelson

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...
I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open; I know where I am;
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

This is exactly the same concept in CloUdiSm when I talk about effect of our cosmic lesson in love. Yunnie divides these effects into five distinctive levels: (1) Ignorance, (2) Denial, (3) Awareness, (4) Recognition & (5) Evolution. However, it does not necessarily follow in this linear order because the multi-dimensional nature of our cosmic lesson is far too complex to neatly put all that stuff into fixed stages. Also, not everyone will experience all these effects in their lifetime; it is likely that they might encounter a mixture of some in various degree.

I always say something of this nature among the rambles I always talk about: you will not understand a shit of what I am saying until you are there yourself. Everything I have said sounded merely 'logical' as in the structure of the thoughts spoken is reasonable and philosophically grounded, which one would naturally concede because there is no compelling reason to believe otherwise.

But still it will not be understood because a person experiencing lower stage (e.g: Ignorance) cannot understand the perspective of those in the higher level (e.g: Recognition). It makes zero emotional sense for one in this world of ignorance to somehow pierce through the formidable illusionary screen of, say, a deceptive relationship because such essential wisdom hasn't been developed in the person yet.

Wisdom are learnt - not given. Hence, it's possible that some will appear to suffer the cosmic effect of ignorance throughout the entire course of their love life, perpetuate their suffering cycle in love. I think working in the social service will inevitably expose yourself to many unfortunate circumstances of relationship - directly or indirectly related to the subject of Love.

These are precious learning; for me to understand humanity and its relationship with love itself.

Terror Kid

I recently encountered a terror kid from hell.

When I saw her, my opinion is that she appeared like this cute little girl who displayed great expressive skills beyond kids of her age. She could accurately describe her feelings and thoughts clearly and I thought it was excellent.

But little cutie was little terror as well. And I literally mean TERROR with caps.

After this episode, my natural deductive mechanism started working its rounds; looks are terribly deceiving. I think we can learn a couple of lessons from 张无忌的妈妈(殷素素). Before she died, she said that "漂亮的女生都会骗人." The gist of her advice to her son was don't fringing trust woman, especially those you think is pretty, cute or both.

In my case, this also applies to a 4-years old.

But you see, looks is a critical factor to a woman's destiny. In a research (Smith, 1985) done on preschoolers, attractive preschooler girls were more often recipents of altruistic behavior and were less often recipents of aggressive behavior than were unattractive girls. I remembered I used this research to augment my sociology paper and got distinction for it. But frankly, this sole deterministic factor towards the looks department is way too reductive.

Now I will attack one point; it says 'altruistic behavior' - which probably suggest that people are 'helpful' towards woman that are attractive. Helpful in this case (although is a fringing general term) also promote the existence of a separate agenda, distinctive from the pure sense of 'being helpful'. I will adopt Thomas Hobbes perspective on this issue; simply phucking self interest. Period.

But here's an irony - although CloUdiSm does not dismissed the importance of physical beauty, it is of no guarantee to a happy and fulfiling love relationship. I will repeat; it is of no guarantee and in fact, woman who are attractive often faced the problem of men failing to know them deeper inside (not as in sex, but you know what I mean).

Some man hate me for thwarting their grand plans, because I always seek to expose some of the biggest shit these men have formulated and crafted so surreptitiously into their strategic plan. I think it helps because I always think like a bastard, although I often fail to act like one.

I am usually right with my gutsy little intuition and overactive analytical mind. I won't share scenario here but the conclusion is that there's no such thing as a good man - going by Smith's research, you are merely a recipent of an altruistic behavior because you are likely to be attractive by his standard.

And woman, before you get flattered by such manoeuvre, there is a clause to this effect: it is relative to all the women he knows in his social network. Once time has drastically reduced your 'physical value' and aggrandized by sheer comparison to the many others he might have acquainted within his social network - don't be surprised if the object of his 'altruistic behavior' is no longer you.

Unless your man loves you for who you REALLY are - which is something more lasting than our exterior self - the above paragraph might be a problem.

Then my attractive woman - how do you know if he loves you for what's inside more than what's outside?

Good question.

What do you think?

Can you buy love?

Had a conversation with this youth who is inspired to be a social worker. As usual, I told her about the reality of this industry. And her reply was: I don't think that woman needs to 'earn so much'.

Because she reckoned that her future husband will provide the rest.

A young woman with great ideals in love. Like all explorer with their lofty aspiration to tread on unknown path - probably only to find acrimonious disappointment at the end. Perhaps it may not be as drastic, but surely, reality would eventually moderate such ideal to a more 'manageable' level.

Maybe she is naive.

Or perhaps I have grown to become more cynical.

Ideals are admirable, but time is one bitch factor that makes ideals 'idealistic'. Because all phenomena in the world are impermanent - which unfortunately includes relationship. Hence, people do change for the better... or worst... and the commitment invested in a relationship by an individual might just be a plug pulling decision at later point in time.

Going by this logics: most relationship will not stand against the test of time. Although there are real testimony of people who have preserve their relationship well, Hume's problem of induction will probably make this only probable, confirming only at the point of death. For those who do not understand a shit I am saying, I shall explain a little:

If we are taught that apples are red and in our daily experience all the apples we see are red, our conclusion will be such that all apples are and will be red. However, we cannot make such a conclusion as we have not seen all the apples in this world and one day we might find an apple that isn't red in colour (e.g. a green apple), which will render our induction as erroneous.

Using a case example, examining Jack Neo's situation would have easily revealed that the length of relationship does not improve the quality of his love. Nor does the existence of his children or public impression makes any difference to his relationship. How I derive this is because at the end of the day, the reality of his decision is that a freewill man cheats. Period. He can be loyal throughout his courtship or even the early years of his relationship, but time has shown that the flesh is weak and the integrity of his relationship is compromised.

Kolhberg would probably explain it as 'people who excel in moral reasoning, but epic fails in moral action.' However, I am not overly concerned about the morality of his action because yunhaier place little consideration of morality in my treatise in the nature of love (CloUdiSm). Morality and ethical consideration in love is structurally created by society for society to define the aspects of marriage, but not love. At most, human system can only provide opportunity for 'nurturing' love.

Love is one aspect of human function that cannot be mandated by any artificial systems, like you cannot pass a national policy to 'force someone to love another.' However, you could 'buy a bride' (which constitute under a marriage domain by the state), even there is no love (basically you could even be in a relationship without the love part). Or you could even pay for sex. All these are real options available in our society because these are considered structural system that are tangible.

Can you buy care and concern? (Yup those people are actually called nurses and are only available when you are in the hospital. However, it is still largely limited to physical care. I can be a nurse that cleans your bowel, but emotionally I can still be fucked up to you)

Can you buy loyalty? (alternatively, these can be called promotions. Basically in marketing, you need to entice your customer to buy your brand over and over again. So a good reason why they should be loyal is because they see value in the things they buy from you at a cheaper, better, faster & stronger rate. The minute someone else is selling something cheaper, better, faster & stronger, why the fuck do I need you?)

Can you buy love? (the closest thing to this is to rear a pet)

I will now explain why morality plays little role in love: when someone cheats in a relationship, fundamentally speaking, the relationship is likely to be in some bad shape for an external invasion to score a critical hit. This bad shape does not necessarily means consciousness as it often manifest itself as internal dissatisfaction. And to add: internal dissatisfaction does not always mean the presence of an external force.

And when a person cheats on his/her relationship - he/she is making a choice to seek for something that provides a form of novel happiness. Such momentarily happiness are fleeting. Vanished as hastily as the subsided wind calm itself after a squall, eventually one might realized that these are illusions given by our cosmic lesson in love to test the foundation of the relationship. If it rocks the boat and sink it, then perhaps the boat wasn't build to last in the first place.

And when the boat sinks, we will instantly regard it as a bad omen and 'moral reasoning' starts.

But I am perplexed because I seriously don't understand why is it bad. You see, if the boat wasn't build and meant to last a lifetime, having it wreck by the storm merely revealed how incapable it is to weather any greater adversity in love. A relationship is feeble not just by foundation, but also by development and individual personality.

So why is it bad to lose a love that wasn't meant to be?

Why does people choose to possess something that only appears to be theirs in title but not in essence?

The minute you retain love for anything other reasons other than love per se, you know deep inside that it is the day you have lost it.

Learn only to accept what is real. All the pretty floral decoration of deception and lies are only artificially boosting the 'value' of your relationship. Once removed - it's worthless.

I would rather have an original Giordano than a fake GUCCI.

At least the former is real.

Ontological View of Love

Upon careful examination, the ontological view of love will inevitably implore us to concede to the principle of non-duality in love. It's truly a deception to assign dualistic concept of love as an axioms, which will lead us to great confusion and distortion, resulting in the triggering of cosmic lesson to reiterate this non-dualistic understanding of love.

From separation into genders constructed through birthright, the concept of dualism will naturally arise; segmenting female (femininity) and males (masculinity). If love acts as the catalysis to congregate both feminine and masculine quality from an idealistic state of form into a matter, the existence of love thus served the teleological purpose of reverting this very nature of love back into a non-dualistic state.

Love is therefore two (in phenomena) but not two (in essence) - the principle of esho-funi.

I can't believe that simple understanding solved my fucking thought revolving the ontology of love, which troubled me for quite a while.

After graduation, I am so going back to project CloUdiSm and work on it.

Four Facet of Love

The pioneer breath of magic that give rise to the initial ideas being impressed onto matter - with matters being the relationship. How pristine in the world of forms preached by Plato, only to realize that matters, being the relationship, are but imperfection of the highest lofty image of ideas in love. Our inadequacy to manage this internal expectation often sink us into greater tragedy of love. Though painful as it seemed to inflict this awareness onto our soul, the delight in basking this sweet torment is an irony that promotes an emotional mind and defy rationality.

When Love begin its journey, it will surely encounter the four facet of love.

Four seemingly identical windows; four different dimensions.

We see ourselves in the first.
Only to give for our second.
After the third we receive,
Finally we understand the Middle Way.

- Yunhaier -
23 Dec 2009

Aunt Agony 280509

Originally posted by Pure03white:

Hi everyone, i would like to meet girls and guys experiences for post break up.. Many thanks to you if you reply sincerely. I would appreciate so much for your advises.. Or do you have any experiences pls share with me your views of my problems? Thank you so much!

My ex boyfriend is 21 and i'm 23. We dated for 9 months in the same poly and course but different classes. We recently Broke up this March. It's realllly soo painful and hurtful for me. I couldnt forget about him till now. i know many ppl said if he meant to be yours, he will come back, if he's not, he will not. I have to stay positive coz im someone who thinks too much.

Since 3 months had passed till now, my heart seem to heal and i don't get nightmare about him. I don't know if he still got gf or likes someone else. We Broke up coz lack of trust. i contact my previous ex and told him that i went to meet my ex. He was shocked and couldnt hold his feeling any longer. thus he want to let go of me. he gave me chances to continue with me at the starting of our relationship. But i think that was the first time he felt hard to accept that i met my ex without his permission and lead to break up. My previous ex and me has nothing to do with each other. he already had a gf and is getting married soon. I kept telling him that my ex and i really had nth to do with each other and just friends. He didnt believe me and dislike him alot. Though they never see each other before.

i really wish how to woo him back sincerely. i try liking other guys but it don't work on me everytime. I try to move on too but he is alway in the back of my mind. Pls help!

He contact me just awhile to ask how am i. Sigh.. i wish things will be better if i stop worrying too much. Anyone who had this experience before?



How do you try liking other guys when your spiritual debt with your ex hasn't completely been resolved internally? This is a clear distinctive example of a relationship that are killed by the the spark of two separate causes that pronouce death in a relationship, but not yet love. (CloUdiSm theory of soul and structure).

Meeting up with an ex lover is a tricky issue because it seriously depends on the kind of guy you are dating. For most guys, it's a competition-cum-ego problem that they are hit with, when their gf date her ex-beau behind their back. A combination of that sour feelings coupled with reckless attempt to break up would often fuel a problem of regrets in the future, especially after when they have cooled down and become to think rationally.

It's not about a problem of ethics or morals, much more than an issue with expectation. Your man probably had an expectation that his woman shouldn't meet up with her ex at all cost, while you probably had this ideal that it's still perfectly ok to remain friends with an ex love.

You probably felt certain degree of guilt and hence, resulting in this inability to move on.

Two separate beliefs - one fatal error (that wasn't communicated).

Personally, I do not advocate anyone returning to someone who had trashed you into the bin like a waste paper. Albeit he might have his reason/s to feel angry about this situation, but to abandon the relationship entirely shows a lot about his attitude towards his own love.

If one decides that pride is worth more than love, then he will learn how much opportunity cost he has sacrificed to salvage pride. Do not expect instant recovery about a break-up - allow yourself the natural pace of healing, moving along your own rhythm of life.

Cheers

23 Days

每一份爱情必定有它存在的意义。
当它惋惜之后，
眼泪也只不过提醒自己彼此在一起的前因。
这感伤不一定是想挽回的念头，
而是成长的过程

-云孩儿

Aunt Agony II 150309

Originally posted by Giddyboy:

I met a thai girl whom i got to know from a escort website. I booked her for 2 hours for sex. But instead of doing anything, we actually just chat, massage each other's back and joke around for the whole 2 hours. After that, we went for makan and i sent her back to her work place at orchard towers. Then she sms me telling me that i am a real gentlemen and feels good been with me and hope we can be good friends.

The next day, i realised i can't stop thinking of her. I called and chat with her ever since then. I even had foolish ideas of finding her a decent job in singapore or some way to stop her from working there. ( Of cos thats impossible i know ). And worst of all i was her only customer for that whole week. As business is pretty bad at orchard towers and she doesn't do business with those ang mohs. i asked i could go down and visit her, but she refused saying she only wants to see me outside and not in this kind of place.

Then i decided to invite her to my house for dinner. She responded very happily and even went to shop for some decent clothes so she can wear it to when she meets my family.

On that fateful friday the 13th, i brought her to my place, intro her to my mum and had dinner. Then we went to my room and chat , surf net. She was really very happy and we even discussed about the next day program. Then my mum asked " Is she staying overnight?" I told her maybe. Her face turned really black and said "NO"

I was somewhat shocked and i suddenly felt everything is going to go wrong. I begged my mum but she refused. I really dont know wat to do.. cause i actually told the thai girl she could stay over, and my parents will be ok with it ( I brought ex gf to my place before to makan and overnight but my mum never make noise ). I went back to my room, and asked her if she wanted to go clubbing. She looked at me and asked whats wrong. I just told her the truth that my parents dont like you to overnight here. After that the thai girl said she's ok with it and that i can tell her the truth. Then she continued serving net and suddenly broke into tears.

I was SHOCKED. She cried. I asked her whats wrong she refused to tell me. Then my mum sms from the living room telling me to ask her to leave. i really didnt know what to do, i felt like as though my life is over. Then i asked her to dry up her face and we leave the house now.

I brought her to hotel 81 and when we entered the room, she was still crying. After she settled her crying, and a long persuading, she finally told me. She told me she put a lot of hope in seeing my family and she even spent money to buy decent dressing for me. She even took a day off from work just for this day.

I apologised and kissed and hug her. She then said, hooker and customer shouldnt have fall in love. I just told her that it's my decision to love her. We chatted about each other's problem, about my strict family and her finanical budern. She has to drink herself drunk every night so she can sleep otherwise she cant sleep. Its really sad. i really wished i can do something for her, and i thought i could make her life happier on friday but it turned out to be like this.

I send her home and gave her 100 bucks. I went home without shedding a single tear throughout everything. The moment i lied down on my bed, i simple broke down. I just couldnt stop crying. In my heart i kept on cursing myself.Cursing myself why am i born in such a strict family and when i didn't study well enough to have a higher paying job. Then i thought of putting a stop to our relationship. I called her told her that today will be the last time we see each other again. She kept quiet for a minuite, and told me she really dont wan me to leave her etc etc etc.

In the end i couldn't bear it, and i told her i will call her again. I really am at loss. i really dont know what to do. To be frank, i broke down several times typing till here. I hate my parents and i hate myself. I really wished i can do something to let her have a better life.

I've hired a called girl cause i feel so sick of the failed relationships i've been through. 9 girls mostly local girls whom i went steady with after my NS. They brought me nothing but anger, disappointment and sadness. I don't know how to put it but i think i really have no luck in meeting nice sg girls who are considerate and senstive (not over sensitive) to me and my friends around me.

My ex gf is a good example. Go out for dinner with my buddies, need to report to her where and with who. Call me every 2 hours to check on me.

I Bring her out with my friends, the first thing she do is hug me and talked to me non stop and then only after talking so much then she say HI to my friends. Really got no respect for my friends. Come my house , she chatted with my mum like best friends and wash the plates after dinner.

Still got many things, too many to mention here.


Falling head over heels with a prostitute are occasional topics that would pop its presence into Aunt Agony every other moment. In my 8 years here, I remembered telling those guys, having exact same scenario as yourself (you can consider them as your predecessor), to report with a reply/topic/post if they are successful in their relationship with these ladies. You know the happily ever-after kind?

None did.

***

Before we start claiming human rights issues about the fact that prostitute are also human beings requiring basic socio-emotional needs - this is in fact a red herring to the real fundamental issues in love, which are classic technique naturally 'used' by our individual cosmic lessons, which could conveniently put us in intensive karmic relationship without resistance. The informal fallacy that prostitute also deserve a partner, in this case, is but a smoke screen to conceal the root of issues - the deficit in learning about love.

Everything occurs within a one week time frame and such pace of advancement is likely to an Uranus-influence relationship. Your failure in previously relationship seemed to share a common factors that (1) you based your decision entirely on affect and (2) you don't exactly know your partners very well when you end up in a relationship with them.

First law of CloUdism states "it is we who chooses our partner, not the other way round.' As much allocation of blame you have attributed to your previous girlfriends, wouldn't you agree that having nine unsuccessful relationship are blatant signals that the root of problem are probably strong hint of suggestion that you are likely the main reason for it?

You mentioned that such disappointment has prompted you to dial a call girl; hence your real agenda is that you wanted a girlfriend, so what you did was to attempt to switch from a paid sexual service to 'convert' them into 'legitimate' relationship. You have used monetary payment to get pass your first door (the approach) because in any given chase, for the masculine role always suffer from approach anxiety (fear of rejection). Your failure in several preceding relationships has created what I termed as love fatigue and in response, people always hasten the process to get to where they last stopped in love.

This creates several structural problems in love, often only expressed itself in later stages.

The condition of this fact doesn't alter, even if you get to know her better before committing anything.

Also, I believe there are certain amount of Transference (shifting your emotions towards this woman, bounded by paid services to response in a certain manner, simultaneously illicit your desire to forge deeper companionship). She reciprocated in a manner (both physical and personality) close to your ideals, but I must remind you that these are merely perception exuded on her part, which might not be consistent with her actual thoughts and feelings.

Man just loved playing the knight in shining armour; don't over identify yourself with the role of a rescuer. Albeit it feels good on the ego, but you subject yourself to blind compliance. Blaming yourself for her helplessness is step one.

P.S: You are pretty much fixed in what you plan to do and like all others before you, I shall say the same: do let us know if this has evolve into a successful outcome. I should still be around.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010309

Originally posted by Lovelyman:

Her history is kinda complicated.

She is married at the age of 20 and claimed her hubby (boyfriend) then purposely impregnanted her in order to get her to marry him.After 4 years of marriage with 2 kids.He totally stopped all kinda intimacy with her.His reason is he is too stressful but she found out that he is watching porns from time to time but just dont want to do with her.

During this time her body has changed alot weight from 43/45 kg to 60kg and breast size from C to A/B very saggy.

Her dad commited suicided 4 years back and her husband dont care n dont bothered.At the same time cut all her allowance which was $300 and she decided to come out to work.Since then they stopped talking to each other other then the 2 kids problem.
After working sometime she managed to reduced her weight to 47kg and became very attractive.And for the past 2 years she has took up smoking n clubbings.In that 2 years she had almost 10 diff boyfriends and 1 of them got her impregnanted which she decided to abort it cause that guy kinda wimps.

She has decided to divorce her husband many times but failed.But this time round she is very determined to leave.And she decided to leave becos of me........


Those short-lived multifarious relationships that came along after the gradual crumbling of her marriage is a sign of emotional instability and blatantly a need to fill an emotional void. Some people who resort to 'clubbing' to attract 'new mates'. However, that quality of guys from there are pretty bad and those she ends up in a relationship with probably deepened her karmic love cycle and unleashed greater misery in a seemingly unbreakable chain.

I am assuming that you got to know her through the similar medium as well. And I must warn you that if your relationship is born out of a classic fling and after that, you then decide to develop it into a relationship - be prepared for serious cognitive dissonance.

Without deliberate conscious effort to steer away, all relationship shall perish the same way it was born (Law of Mirror Ending - CloUdiSm). This law corroborated with the logic that if you want X, then you cannot seek to find X in Y because X is X and Y is Y. Hence, you should seek to find X in X and not X in Y. The process in the metamorphosis in evolving Y into X, although served as a conscious effort to steer away, this decision often promise much misery and disillusionment.

In simple, if I want to eat chicken rice, then I cannot make my way to KFC and then request to order chicken rice. Although source might be similar (chicken), but the primary products that KFC is selling is entirely different from your individual expectation of desiring to consume chicken rice.

Hence, if it born of a fling, it often dies of a fling.

***

Her complication in love does not stem from the fact that she is helpless. In fact, she had made many choices in life; just that these choices are decisions that will almost set to plummet the condition of her love life into some karmic crisis in the future (she is facing it after four years marriage).

One must understand that 'having no choice' is a choice. Having poor judgement is part of the reason for choice to be undertaken.

Should you decide to pursue this relationship; unless you take active steps to steer the relationship into a brighter path that could ensure better longevity, if not, you will probably perish in this RHC (R`ship of Higher Complication) because you are unable to assist your woman in eradicating her own karmic love ties.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120209

Originally posted by Life is a Mystery:

I have a friend who has broken up with his ex-gf of 8 years about 2 years ago. The girl is the one who suggested the breakup, and the reason being he is just not a good bf to her after knowing each other for more than 10 years. When they broke up, the guy was devastated and has tried all means to get her back, but she was so cruel that she even rejected his proposal to get married.

Now ... 2 years later, she came back to him and asked him back, he... on the other hand felt that he has owed her, as he has not been a good bf when they were together. He is a very responsible person and very loyal to who he loved. Therefore he decided to get back together with her.

I felt that this is so unfair to the guy, as I've seen how he got hurt when they broke up... Just because she is not able to find another bf during these 2 years, or maybe she is already 34 this year ... or for whatever reason, she decided to take him back. What do you all think?

Unfortunately, I'm involved with the guy. We sort of have a relationship, but we are not committed to each other. As I know he has never forget about her, and always want to get back together with her. I knew that this day will come, that's why we had a mutual agreement of not committing to each other. I do love him and even though I know I cannot be with him, I don't want to see him being hurt again.

He still listen to my advice, but I'm in such an awkward situation to give him advice. That's why i wanna know if I'm being bias... or I'm giving him truthful advice.


It’s entirely up to his self determination to decide if she could provide him the happiness he seeks at the end of the day. Love doesn’t always run in a linear fashion because we are always placed in pluralistic circumstances that shape our every present moment and even that one micro tweak might be the catalysis to a different decision altogether.

Who says that a relationship of eight years will guarantee a lasting, fulfilling marriage? Probably only in the eyes of an outsider because in the eyes of a stranger, he/she is not part of that wholesome experience and we are always guilty of judging the quality of relationship based on its length.

Of course in reality, that’s completely erroneous.

Anyway, since TS is not the person involved, I shall not go on any further on that part. But I would like to address one other point:

The truth is that it’s not really him who has received unfair dues, much more than it’s you who is feeling the inequality. Your anguish for him is merely a representation of your own innate feelings for yourself – that someone, who once has treated a relationship so lightly, could haughtily return and claim her throne without even a need to contest for it.

And I will tell you how you have inevitably contributed to your own misery.
Your agreement to be involved in a non-committed relationship is, although a logical method of self protection, but this is precisely the agreement that allowed him to persist in pining hope for her because you have given him the consent to use you as an emotional substitute, without a concrete structure, and he doesn’t have the space to recover naturally from his ordeal completely.

I will illustrate in simple words:

When death of a relationship occur, every unwilling party will go through a natural grieving process, in which at the point of conclusion (when that happens) is always the realization and acceptance in their own irrevocable situation and the outcome of moving on, unless there are situations that halt this natural recovery.

Your presence and agreement in maintaining this non-committed relationship unconsciously allowed him to have an emotional shelter for everything else a relationship could offer, minus the responsibility. It’s almost like staying in the house, without paying the rent.

In another words, if he was once emotionally very attached to his ex-gf, then you merely acted (sadly on her behalf) as the tacit support he had once gotten, while endorsing his placid waiting for her. Surely, upon her return and without hesitation, he will leap over to her.

Now a subtle form of self pity has manifested – you are probably feeling short-changed, pondering why he has still choose her, despite your quiet attempt to demonstrate your affection for him.

Your plight is brought about disastrously by the notion of non-commitment because if he was given a choice in the past: a situation where he has to firm the choice between (1) to learn acceptance, commitment and move on OR (2) to create an interim method, to remain uncommitted and to wait?

Theoretically, you tried to eliminate risk for yourself, thinking that you will be safe because this is an ‘uncommitted relationship’, but reality is such that once you have invested in that dubious deal, you are already into it – regardless of how you perceive your situation.

If this is truly ‘uncommitted’, then why is it affecting you?

Maybe it’s self deception, under the façade of uncommitment.

P.S: All uncommitted relationship built on emotional grounds ends up in contradiction and is oxymoron. You can only have an uncommitted relationship if it’s built on physical grounds like sex because it entirely possible to have a sexual relationship, without paying the emotional dollars. You cannot be emotional and yet unemotional - just like you cannot exist and not exist simultaneously (CloUdism).

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010209

Originally posted by Saint`:

I tried to stay platonic but failed .

U led me on with a glimpse of hope and cuddled me to slp when we shldnt.

Only to know i was there to fill a void in ur heart the next day.

I thought i could win u over.

I thought our differences could be smoothen out with years of understanding.

Yet u said a rls shld be exciting, fun and not familiarity.

I tried but only to find myself miserable and suffocating while u r enjoying singlehood freedom.

U conveniently forget promises , yet i remembered every single thing i ever done for u.

Not for returns , but for appreciation.

Maybe u didnt really take me to heart as ur closest friend/lover.

U told me to stay as close friends.

I said i cant treat u like close friend anymore.

U didnt reply.

I tried.

U smiled.

I felt pain.

U felt nothing.

I think i shld let u go.

Gd bye my best friend.



The notion of platonic is always a full stop.

Hence, the problem lies with your notion of platonic - it was blatantly a comma instead. What happens here is that subconsciously, you perceive her as potential - just not yet manifested. Albeit you might see your effort as one-off-no-return, but the truth is that you are counting. Not just generally, but in some specific, precise manner. I will quote two sentences:

[Quote]:

yet i remembered every single thing i ever done for u.

I tried but only to find myself miserable and suffocating while u r enjoying singlehood freedom.

[/Unquote]

If you are being led by people you deemed as platonic friends, then you have to reexamine the premise of 'platonic' - the definition of what it takes to qualify as platonic.

P.S: Most people are conferring the title of 'platonic friendship' as a facade for potential relationship.

And don't get me wrong - it's great to transform a relationship from a friendship. Just that when you deemed certain relationship as platonic - it is a bond devoid of the romantic and sexual love.

Perhaps it might be so for her, but not so for you.

Cheers

Grace X CloUdiSm

The ludicity state of love is an oxymoron.
It surface paradoxes and instill chaos.
Hence people in love are a bunch of complicated beings.
When they were once simple.
Would we be able to return back in time?
To unlove a love?
From the desire to return to a faraway home
To be simple folks.

- Yunhaier

Aunt Agony 071208

Originally posted by annoy-you-must:

I first met, and fell attracted to her 5 years ago, when I was in secondary two.

We were just schoolmates. We know each other, but never actually talked. Nevertheless, her features and personality strike me as really attractive.

However, as another self-pitying boy with inferior complex and no guts to speak of at that time, I did not approach her, get to be her friend and know her better.

(I dared to share my feelings with few people in fear that the wrong words may spread around in school. So I wrote down my feelings on various online forums, including sgforums. What some people told me was that I was too young to know what love is, that it's just puppy love and I'll forget her soon. That I should concentrate on my studies

I've not forgotten her. And I did reasonably well for my studies despite thinking of her.)

And so, I tormented myself emotionally and mentally for two years before both of us graduated from secondary school. She went to poly and got a boyfriend soon afterwards. I went to JC.

All these whiles, I've not met a single girl who is able to invoke the same feelings within me. I was not attracted to anyone else as much as I was attracted to her. She was the only one, and she did not even do anything.

Since I don't really know her, she is probably not what I thought of her to be in the first place. But I can't stop thinking about her anyway.

Even though we became total strangers, even though it's even more impossible now, I still think of her from time to time. Not as much as I was as an emo kid in secondary school of course. But I still think of her and wonder how she is doing, if she is happy, and if the present would be different had I had the courage back then to even take the first step approach her.

A few months back, I ceased being friends with her on Friendster. I don't know if she deleted me or it's a problem with Friendster. I know Friendster recently had some problem with some account's friends, some people's friends count dropped drastically.

But that problem is now solved. Most account's friends count are back to normal. And I'm still not friend with her and can't view her friendster profile. How can I help but not wonder anything?

You may think I'm pervertic, a coward or just plain childish. I'm actually stalking someone on friendster without daring to take real physical action. Perhaps I am. But my social skills is not that good in the first place, how can I possibly approach a total stranger?

It seems like she has broken up with her boyfriend recently. I inferred that. So it kind of made me think of her all over again, and wonder how she is doing now, if she is happy or what.

After saying (or typing) all these, I rekon my obsession sounds pervertic or psychotic.

There's no particular question I want to ask or answers that I want over here. Just felt an urge to spill out my feelings somewhere.




You might think that you love her (since the feelings pretty much withstand a tremendous amount of time), but I am going give you my two cents which might let you consider otherwise.

***

If your feelings, X, fails to initiate an action, then X is mere fantasy. If X exist in fantasy, hence, X exist only in potentiality and not in actuality. Therefore, X cannot be considered as Love for Love must first exist in actuality and must be mutual (人爱者有理，爱人者有勇).

I will give you a simple philosophical analogy:

Suppose we are hungry and we want to abate our hunger, our natural instinct will prompt us to eat. The existence of food (Love) and the act of consumption (Initiation of Love) must occur simultaneously before our hunger pangs will vanish and achieve satisfaction (Relationship). The entities by itself are meaningless unless they conjuct with one another and if we Love without acting, it's akin to having food without consuming - the hunger persist.

We harbor fantasy for all sorts of things, people and dimensions. In fact, we might even lose track of our reality, especially when we abdicate our self awareness over such illusion. It's common for people who indulge in fantasy because we are unwilling to shatter this image by putting dreams into reality. We prefer to give beautiful descriptions about our worship with imaginary and wordings - many times, so perfect and immaculate that we know at the back of our mind if we were engage this extraordinary person in reality, we will gradually be forced to abandon our fantasy because nobody can be as perfect, other than the figure in our mental construct.

The fantasy that we have grown to recognize and feel so intense for has completely supercede even the person per se. This ironic phenomenon is supported by a macabre veil of deep-rooted fear of rejection, overwhelming passiveness and gnawing narcissism.

The signs are blatant: I encode in CloUdiSm as people inflicted with 'Neptune's deranged effect', doing a lot of things that appeared to be significant, but often under anonymous concealment. With proliferation of blogs and social networking sites, it's effortless for such surreptitious behavior in enabling one to be updated with the life of another, without actually having to interact with the person.

Think about it, as much as you have deemed this person to be significant over a vast period of five years, she probably doesn't even know about your existence. You probably belong to the same rank as the stranger who brushed passed our shoulders everyday when we walk across the street - the significance is almost negligible.

The fact that this fantasy persisted because you continuously breathe life into it. Your refusal to discard the 'life machine' supporting this one-sided affair compromise your entire Love life as a whole. As such, it's likely that you have never been in a relationship before (a proper one) and because it's poignant to reckon that we are almost 'a clean sheet' in Love (CloUdiSm termed it as 'The Void' under the 'Law of Clean Sheet'), the fantasy flourished as it merely take the space of the void that nothing is residing currently.

You might think that nobody can invoke the kind of feelings, but I can tell you, a lot of that rationale comes from the fact that you are going around the market, asking for the duplication of your ideal product and as you are so focused to find this ideal product, everything else (which could be possible) are dismissed without adequate understanding. Hence without adequate understanding, it's no wonder the nurture and developmental aspect of Love never manifest in your life.

Your time is better off getting to know new people or enhancing your socializing skills and opportunity to allow you to do just that. That strategy would pay off much better than lurking online and revelling in your narcissistic affection for her.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 221108

Originally posted by SV_190:

I have a stable girl friend for nearly two years , recently a girl who is younger than me appeared in my world ( her attiude and way she speak ) really assamble to my ex.

I started to feel like chatting with her so i tried to get to know her more , my friend gave me her contacts , she seem friendly and I feel comfortable chatting with her at times.

I tried to forget her but she kept appearing in my mind.




The stark resemblance does not signify anything - it is your attitude and perception towards such visual imaginary that seemed to suggest your karmic bond with this person. Such phenomenon is likely generated because of our irrevocable actions in the past that are generally beyond our scope of control. And because we can't turn back time to alter our regretful past, our present and future remained in status quo based on our earlier decision via freewill.

Albeit the law of causality might be rigid, but our minds and heart isn't. Hence, phenomenon of resemblance resulted in an implicit behavior/mindset that served under the theory of 'Time Machine' (CloUdiSm). Because in the realm where 'Love is blind', similarity will naturally (and usually automatically) perceived from the source where it first began and the seeming linkage is establish, although it pretty much illusional.

I will illustrate a simple example:

There are times when we felt that we made mistakes and regret in life, with regards to our previous relationship. Equally often, it might not be mistakes - perhaps we felt that we could 'do more' (whatever 'more' meant to you philosophically). And because the manifestation has already occur and we are unable to undo our circumstances, we shoulder certain unconscious anguish or bitterness that carries in our soul.

Such suppression are dormant and only brought into surface when the concept of time triggers a astrological/karmic pattern to bring forth such situation once again.

Then you might question - why such a phenomenon?

There are two likely reasons:

I) It served to test the foundation of your relationship. Those who are stuck in the misery of their past will often create the path of destruction for their relationship of the future.

II) The absence of graduation in prior cosmic lessons resulted in reiteration of the same chapter once again. What we cannot master, we learn again.

I suggest instead of first leading yourself into the direction of asking 'Should i just forget her quickly' - I reckon you should reframe your question and direct the question inwardly.

'What does this mean to me and my development in Love?'

You might want to understand if there's an action/s you wish to compensate for your previous failed relationship and unconsciously directing this effort towards this 'proxy'?

Also the identity of your relationship is being questioned as well.

'What does it means for your relationship and your gf?' Namely, is your current gf lesser in any aspect than a figure of the past?

Only with careful examination of yourself, would you be able to have the clarity to decide your course of action with wisdom.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 250808 II

Originally posted by Julynn83:

It's been nearly a year since we broke off. But i am still struck here on the same point where he left me.

He gave me all sorts of reason saying that he wants a breakup pushing all the blame to me. 2days later when i went to look for him again to try and save our relationship, i saw a lovebite on his neck. That kind of pain in my heart was undescrible. He already has a new gf.

The reason we quarrel and ended breaking up was because i found out that he have been chatting with this gal. I didnt expect things to turn out like that. Moments before we quarrel he was still lovingly holding my hand.

Being with him for 4 and a half year. We have even thought of starting our own family. We have even went to apply for a flat together. Little did i expect him to have a change of heart. Just moments after he break off with me. Maybe 4 years plus wasn't long but we have gone through so much ups and downs together, how would a guy say forget, let go and leave just like that?
He's happily with the gal now but here i am couldnt move on. I thought i had already let go.

Trying not to think but he kept calling me and ask me out. He doesnt have any intention in patching back. He just need someone's accompany when his gf is working. His calling and all, triggered the love i had for him that i had all along tried to hide and not to think, i kept telling everyone that i am oki and i have already forgotten him. In fact, i am just lying to myself.

I cried everytime i think of him, everytime i thought of all our memories, all the promise that he has once made, everytime when i passby the places we have went to before. There is so much so much memories everywhere.

I wanted to move on and forget about him but i just couldnt stop thinking. I donno if i am still waiting for him to come back. I am so confused myself. What a useless gal.





You attempt to use credits of the past to justify harboring excessive emotions into the now-defunct relationship. In Love's concept of time (CloUdiSm - Law of Time), I quote: 'What's dead cannot be revived and what's revived will not be original. What's original will be in the past and what's passed will remain dead.'

Death is often misunderstood - often liken to a form of some massive evil that lurks in dark, abominable to all existence. In fact, it's like an entrance; when one pushes the door, the other side appeared to be pulling - creating one-effect-two-perception situation. This simple relation between life and death in relationship is but our quintessential cosmic growth that expands our higher learning in Love. Neither existence nor non-existence of a relationship contributes to the success/failure of relationship; it's merely a continuous process.

In fact, throughout the lifespan of a relationship - it could gone through several process of 'death and rebirth', as Love evolved through the vicissitude of their relationship, shaped by the couple themselves.

Nobody says it's easy to move on; but the difference lies in our concept of acceptance, as well as our grieving process. Those that deny their circumstances often find it a struggle to cope with the demands of reality against incongruous delusion that they are trying to upkeep. Many times, the delusion is inherent and self generated, as our false belief strengthen to corroborate with the lies we have gorged ourselves till the point of insanity.

You perpetually questioned yourself with all the mundane 'why', which incarcerate you with heaps of nonsense and fettered you from moving on. Allow me to shatter some zealous beliefs you have held so dearly - why must a four-and-a-half years of relationship be of something to him as well?

You must understand that this value, in which you have emotionalize, is exclusive to your own personal belief and does not necessarily means the same on his side. His action suggested a strategy of hook-bait-reel-release technique in retention initiative and if you are foolish enough to buy the tale of the 'I-like-the-other-woman-but-I-love-you' crap - then don't weep if you ultimately realize the poignant truth that could ruin all good memories, which is probably all you have left right now.

You cannot judge the future based on the rules of the past. You will always be miserable if you cling onto expired game rules that disallow you to unlock your gate to freedom.

To move on, you don't have to run. You just need to draw your first step.

Start walking: a step in a day will mean ten steps in ten days and a hundred steps in a hundred days.

Remember, we are responsible for our own happiness and misery. If you choose to dwell, nobody can coerce you to climb out, other than yourself.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030808

Originally posted by shuibianni05:

Pretty surprised by the 'inferior Q'. I don't feel inferior than him. In fact, I don't feel inferior to anyone; each individual has our own lives, regardless of 'so-called' status, as long as we are happy, nothing really matters.

As for someone being better than him, I believe there are, but I don't do any comparisons as everyone is an unique individual. I do have friends telling me to break and that they will treat me better than he does. I just went ???.

But it all boils down to the fact that I do feel tired out from the relationship. How not to?

I have been 'babysitting' the guy for four years; every single thing that crops up in his life, I am the one settling it. He may want to do it his way, I do let him, but silently I have to come up with a back up solution because his ways will never work.

I serve as the counsellor for his personal and work communications problems, the legal counsel as well as the management advisor for his family business. His friends and family didn't know; whenever they ask about his business, he will happily said the business has perked up etc etc. I just remain silent; I never expect anything in return except respect.

If u are referring 'worth' in terms of my life, I do lead a happy life, excluding the part on my relationship. I have a career, great family and great friends; I still am furthering my studies part time and I have been active in volunteer work. Everyone, apart from him, knows me as bubbly and outgoing.

I have tried talking to him numerous times, but he is sticking by his own thinking.

He felt that all he did is right; and most times will put his ridiculous ways as being stubborn, saying 'That's me. You know me.'

Financially he's not stable; after all, that's his father's business, whatever the business earns will go to the parents, not him. He's jus drawing a salary; below market rate.

Talking about finances, he will scold and make a big deal if I donate to charity; nowadays I just kept quiet about the donations stuff.

Same goes for if I give my parents allowances out of my salary.

I did fight for my decisions. Ultimately, he will pop the Q of 'Let's break off'; which will stop me from further 'discussion'.

I have never felt there is a need to 'break off' just because of minor issues. That's why I chose to remain silent; but seems that this 'break off' phrase has been popping up every now and then over the smallest of issues.

What's worst is that every two months, he will undergo a mood swing and starts feeling dejected and insists that our relationship has staled, 'froze', I am not caring and loving him enough etc. But he will be fine after a few days and apologise.

Two yrs back, his proposal was to tie me into the relationship as a few other suitors came up and he felt pretty threatened especially when they actually approach him to 'warn' him to treat me well. I am pretty amused.

What do u feel about this thinking of tying me down?

Another scenario was that two yrs plus back, I was nearly 'sexually abused' by a close friend. He was the third to know; because I expected what his reaction would be. He barked down the phone at me, text me scolding sms and told me if the friend succeeeded, I will never see him again. At that time, I really wonder if he's the victim or me. In case, u all are wondering if I have dressed very outrageously, nope, that night I wore bermudas and a big baggy T-shirt to go out for dinner with my friend.

Is that how all guys react when they know their gf was nearly 'sexually abused'?

I also forego my chances of overseas study and overseas work attachment, to him, it's something I should do in order to 'continue' this relationship. He felt there's always give and take; I have to give up all the opportunities in order to 'appreciate' his love.

To join in his family gatherings is something I should do because his bro-in-law also joins in their gatherings.

No matter how his family demands me to do things, demands things from me, including taking the pda I jus bought, I have to give in, including bearing all the non-sensical insults. FYI, they don't call my by name, they call me by my address - the block number. He doesn't stop them and felt it's ok that they call me that.

On the other hand, he seldom joins in my family gatherings; he doesn't come my place often either; reason, he's afraid my mum will grill her on how's treating me.

Funny?

He doesn't send me to my doorstep to make sure I am safe, no matter how late it is, he send me to the block beside mine. Reason - He said he's lazy and tired. On the bright side, there's at least an 'improvement'. He used to jus drop me off at the carpark and I walked back myself, my block isn't connected to the carpark; it could be 4am, but still, ps walk back urself.

My 5 years-old niece cried and insists on buying a soft toy, costing 20 bucks, when we brought her out, he said she's a spoilt brat, that we all spoilt her rotten because her parents had passed away in an accident. FYI, my sis and bro-in-law died in a car accident when my niece was still young.

But, his 13yr old bro, cries and shouts and screams and jumps up and down when we don't get him the whole series of game cards, costing about 50 bucks, he said my bro is only 13 yrs old, he's still young, he's not spoilt, jus young, not matured yet, don't know how to think.

Are all guys like that? Or mine is just simply a 'special case'?

When his old flame text him at 3am, he felt he was 'needed', he needs to go down the next day and see her immediately. It's fine, maybe she really needs a company.

But, to the extent of forgetting I am in hospital? I was admitted the night his old flame text him; I told him my ward and bed no, he said he would pop by tomorrow. He remembered only after he had met his old flame and had a good night's sleep.

These problems started in the very first year; I have hung on and tried to solve.

But to him, talking out = let's break off.

What can I do? Each time I wanna talk, he'll said if it's so hard, then break off.

Break off is not a solution, that I understand; I just wanna a talk to solve things. But if he just simply doesn't wanna talk and use break off as a way to stop the talk, I really don't know what else I can try.

Whatever ways I can think of, I have tried.

Straight outburst at him to wake him - tried, he just felt I am crazy.

Wanna slap him to wake him - his response, ps slap me, but forget about waking me up.

Let him cool off, then have a good talk with him to make him realise what's wrong - tried, replied me with a 'Yes, Yes, I know', two months later 'back to normal'.

Disappearing Act - Tried, he went around looking for me at places where I mostly hang out, promising me everything, two months later, 'back to normal'.

Even my mum talked to him, she 'hijacked' him at the carpark; he went 'Yes, Yes, Auntie'; weeks later, back to normal.

When asked how stable is our relationship by friends, he will say it's actually very stable; good etc. But still, he will act up every now and then. When confronted on why act up when he felt it's stable, he just shrugged his shoulders.

I am trying to be logical; if what I am doing is considered logical.

My life used to revolve around him, and him only. I can stay at home jus to wait for his tex/call because he told me he would be meeting me. If he told me he wanna meet me for dinner, I would wait. The longest I waited was till 11pm, jus for a dinner with him.

My parents knew; they attempted to drag me out for dinner couple of times, trying to tempt me by suggesting that they will be going to my fave restaurant.

I lied; saying he would be coming soon. the moment they left, I changed my clothes and went out; loitering around and waiting at nearby blocks for him.

As time passed, I realised it was truly ridiculous of me. 'Waiting' became a part of my life, wait for dinner, wait for lunch, wait and wait and wait.

Due to the irregular meals, I came down with gastric 3 years ago.

Ultimately, I starting having my own plans, my own life, rather than revolve my life around him.

Through the years, I have became very independent, on the other hand, he has became reliant.

Deep down we both knew, our positions have interchanged. I used to be the one waiting and waiting while he's occupied with family, friends and work. Now, he's the one who's waiting because I am tied up in work, family, studies and friends.

If insecurity is what he felt, I can't help. I have done all I can, I can't possibly give up all my friends.

From Day One he knew me, 90% of my friends have been guys.

And, he knew he was wrong, but he said he simply can't help it and term it as 'That's just being me, I can't change'.




Probably because of your adamant self beliefs that problems are generally solvable and you have much endurance to spare; your seemingly lack of drive to initiate yourself out of this relationship might to be due to a ironic situation where you feel that you haven't find enough reason to coerce yourself to leave, although they are blatant reasons to. (This is a karmic phenomenon known to CloUdiSm as Frog Theory X Fixedly).

Seriously, it doesn't really matter how much 'well-intended' reasoning someone else can put across - you don't really need those; what you require is simply just a decision and to stick with it. Either to walk away permanently or to change the circumstances of your relationship.

You must understand this: you can even walk away without a reason, if you are really bend on leaving. If you are firm on staying, nothing can make you go. For Love is freewill and emotional bondage are usually karmic by nature.

And all the angles and perspectives are actually barriers that hinder movements to freedom. Some people don't realize this: to bury themselves with all sort of angles and perspectives, by rationalizing that it is important to avoid making mistakes and having regrets in the future, is often the introduction of stagnation. Taking calculated moves are reasonable; but not when you are overly obsessed with the notion of fear, which ultimately immobilize you. Then the source of your angles and perspective are nothing but excuses for insecurity to thrive and the unconscious steps in employing avoidance tactics to evade existing problems.

You are resigned to the fact that your man wouldn't change, but subconsciously, you are waiting for an exception. You waited and waited - patience might be running out, but you could easily say that hope survived all adversity. Albeit, I say it's good to occupy your time and make life much more meaningful outside that of your ailing relationship, but you must also recognize that it is a facade to avoid confronting your relationship altogether and delaying the inevitable.

What do I mean by delaying the inevitable?

Should your relationship perish under major incompatibility, then it will surely manifest towards that direction, unless something drastic happen. Relationship only change, if humans evolved themselves. This ensures the long term positive development of a relationship and not resorting to short term measures to patch certain vulnerabilities for a limited period of time. The latter would be too prescriptive in problem-solving and is often ineffective because individual cosmic lessons are not mastered, thus reiterated lessons over and over again.

If a relationship is always a source of conflict, then the mark of wisdom would be to identity the real cusp of issue and evolve them.

Your man lives in a massive delusion; he thinks that his relationship is functioning well and flourishing. Although he sensed that something is not quite right somewhere in his kingdom, but like the Emperor's New Clothes, he somewhat believed that if he maintain this illusion of grandeur, things will just tide over somehow. He threatened you with break-up because it puts a full-stop to your approach in trying to dispel this illusion. And it works every time he play this trick, so that rules hardly change.

Your permission to succumb compromised the integrity of the relationship, thus sacrificing long term growth. Over a vast period of time, the relationship cracks and bleeds indefinitely.

Now you are completely lost in trying to mend the damage.

By yourself.

There is only so much discrimination, disrespect and suppression one can endure before burn-out occurs. 'That's just me and I can't change' attitude is pretty much self absorbed on his end too. But as a separate issue, your decision to choose him as your mate, with the misery that accompanied your choice, is surely part of your karmic circumstance to understand and learn certain abstract concept of Love.

If lost must occur before one could gain enlightenment, would you allow that growth by imparting the lesson of lost?

Sometimes, divorce is loving.(Ninth Law of Love).

Cheers

Project CloUdiSm - Why Cosmic Lessons

Drafted and updated.

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Cheers