Why even bother?

Something is happening.

I am not deluded.

Guess what?

4.35am and I am still not fucking sleeping.

Why?

I just uncovered some shit.

Seriously, I need to release all that fucking shit and just end that gawd damn misery.

END THAT GAWD DAMN MISERY! DAMN IT! JUST FUCKING END IT!

Why even bother?

Just fucking look around you.

Why even bother

...

What if you realized that someone is not entirely truthful?

What would you do?

I utterly despise the abject pilferer, whose archetype personality could only pitifully render surreptitious activities in areas where the sun don't shine. This simpleton unconsciously leads a servile life, probably plotting some childlike strategy to captialize on opportunities behind the scene, like how a wretched beggar would anxiously race after a pack of half-eaten stew, savaged by wild dogs a minute ago and thrown away by the owners a minute after. I could imagine how the scene would appear - an abandoned mongrel salivating and chasing frantically at the new-found meal. Such inferior complex are amazing and the action are downright ignominious because it's certainly beneath and beyond my individual conduct to engage even a fraction of its original intent.

In all classic occasions, I won't even fucking stir in my seat or even attempt to wriggle my hands to wave the annoying fly away, which perpetually stick around like a vexatious prick because such irritable nonsense generally perish and cease to exist before it requires any formal intervention.

What shocked me greatly is that I have found out that there are endorsement given to pricks to be legitimate pricks. Hence it explains the longevity of such absurdity when I was subconsciously given the illusionary confidence that all is well.

I recalled in robust details about the time where such rueful endorsement were approved tacitly in the distant past. It was awfully choking - so intense that it left an excessive acrimonious after-taste emotionally. In mere thoughts alone, the experience almost seemed surreal and vicarious, but impact were hardly virtual.

The pain bleeds so badly that I never knew how I recovered. I was never conscious about the healing process - perhaps it might not even occur, since after all, I am an undead.

I fucking hate deception, as much as I hate things that are going around me with the gamble that I am unaware of anything, just because there seemed to be an ongoing liberty to do absolutely anything without the need to justify emotional logic. Then, I hate the over-compensation which follows shortly, because it simply hardly feels geniune.

I hate fuckers who tries means and ways to scheme in the dark, lurking in corners and shadows, like crooks ready to mug you.

But these are pale in comparison - as compared to the astronomical unappreciation and seemingly living a second-class citizen in your own kingdom.

SO TELL ME WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CLING ONTO PRINCIPLES YOU HAVE KEPT SO CLOSE TO YOUR HEART WHEN PEOPLE CONTINOUSLY TRASHED THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND RENDER YOU AND THE PRINCIPLES SEEMINGLY OBSOLETE? YOU PEN IT DOWN YOURSELF 11 YEARS AGO - THAT NOBODY PLAYS BY RULE AND THAT THE END IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE MEANS.

I recalled the times when evil tainted me and with sheer willpower, I pulled back as I literally resist against all odds to evolve into that direction.

Now thinking back... what's all that compunction for?

Seriously Mark, just fuck it before it fuck you.

Plagiarizing (And I am so fucking pissed)

It gets damn fucking annoying having to discover that my online works get plagiarized by someone, who did not fucking credit the source nor the author (myself). What this shit did was absolutely disgusting till the point of no return. I diplomatically left a remark to 'kindly inform' him that he should credit the source or myself should he wish to repost my story written by me.

But what he did was to delete my comment and left a remark saying that he would.

When I affronted him about his rationale of deleting my comments with another remark, he yet again deleted my comment and goes on some deranged-trying-to-act abstract remark, in which I will quote:

'There's reason behind everything anybody do..Dun you agree?? For example deleting your comments. Trust me.. You can check back here if you wan to.. But i will do the neccesary stuff..'

For example deleting my comments? It simply turn my blood towards boiling point whenever people response to me with an act-smart reply that they don't even fucking know what the hell they are saying. The reason is so moronically blatant to me: his friends are all under the impression that the stories he has posted are written by him. And because he did not credit (and certainly he did not even attempt to clarify), he conveniently pass off my work as his own! And you know what? His whole blog is almost nothing but my writings! And to prevent his friends from knowing, he deleted my comments. Duh! I don't even have to spare a cell in my brain to know why.

By the fucking way, necessary is spelled as N-E-C-E-S-S-A-R-Y, without a double C.

He posted my first story, titled 'Bus Ride' - and like all the stories I have written, I have always alter the names of all my characters because most of them are true reflection of real people in reality anyway.

I would always include this disclaimer: 'Names have been changed to protect identity'.

Upon searching through his blog, I revoltingly discovered that he added another disclaimer:

'Bus number has also been changed to keep location confidential'

Simply WTF la! My bus number also change for me! Really piece of shit man. Changing the bus number and even incorporating the additional disclaimer does not make this story his you know?

If you are inspired, then fucking learn to create your own works and not assume people's efforts as your own. If your life is so fucking sad and you have nothing to blog, then first learn to create your OWN identity before you talk about it.

You can't talk about something you don't have.

Ranting X Dinner at Seafood Restaurant

Made a trip down to support Marcus and his crew in this anti-smoking event, endorsed by Health Promotion Board, ran by some dance/event company in which I didn't even bother to register its name. To be brutally honest, I was pretty flabbergasted at the way how the event was held - it was terribly unprofessional and I also reckoned that it was a whole load of shit. Fortunately, this was on small scale, though I sincerely hoped it didn't turn off Jamil and Michelle... about how fucking bureaucratic Singapore is - even with respect to arts - which obviously embodied the quality of creative, albeit it was a street thing.

Duh.

This dude had to yell at Marcus's group for using powder. Yes - while the event was going on with hundreds pair of eyes observing the stage and this fellow demanded that they mop the floor. Yes - he ASKED the contestant to clean the stage. Yes - it was directed at the contestant. And nope, not the event personnel. For some mystical reason I failed to comprehend.

I had no qualms calling him a 'Pseudo-PAP dance umpire', for he said something along this genre:

"I don't want anyone of you to use powders or throw anything at the audience. If anyone does that again, I am going to penalize your score'.

This was indeed spelled with a capital WHAT THE FUCK with sixty exclaimations marks following after.

Every team had to perform a dance, with anti-smoking theme/message in them. You know, they are encouraged to exercise their creative juice (I think Marcus group did a wonderful job), but amid this freedom to self expression and in midst of this competition... they are telling you what you cannot do now? After you have rehearsed everything and prepared for the final show and now they are telling you that you cannot do this/that... now?

I was laughing my balls off when I heard that sort of shit - I tell you: this can only happen in Singapore... coming from Singaporean (especially if they are some die-hard PAP fanatics).

'Please be creative my little friends. Be as creative as humanly possible. But these are the things you can't do:

A) Blar blar blar

B) Blar blar blar

C) Blar blar blar

Seriously, we should just drop this whole facade of promoting self expression/creativity because even the people that ran the event don't even know wtf they are saying/doing.

Poor prize... poor coordination (din test music CD, dancers were missing during their turn, event timing pushed back 4 hours later, etc) ... 'stage director' was more interested in enjoying the show than to run the event proper and a whole lot of crap experience I got from this event.

I guess we should just stick with Suntec Dance and probably Funkamania.

This is just CMIGG.

***

Anyway - some photos taken at the seafood restaurant.









Cheers

The 'Truth' Revealed

I am flabbergasted utterly. Nothing in my known vocabulary could clearly describe my deepest contempt I had for this bitch.

I suck it in, and watch how my delicate pride shattered like a piece of worthless trinket... enduring everything emotionally and timely halted my raging anger that threatned to wipe that nonchalant look off her fucking face.

Fortunately, I am emotionally attune to handle all gamut of emotions.

Never had I felt so short changed and worst - DEFAMED in such malicious extend that I could murder the fucking daylight out of that bitch.

The termination bomb dropped on me at about 1540hrs.

I finished my task at about 1600 hrs.

I approached the bitch for a proper explaination on why I was terminated and she told me that I wasn't 'pro-active enough' in her own words. It read slacking, not doing work and not taking initiative'.

I almost said fuck you.

The normal office hours last from 0900 hrs - 1800hrs (standard).

My first day at work, I left the office at 1900hrs.

My second day, I left the office at 2000hrs.

My third day, I left the office at 2030hrs.

And when I was preparing to work late again on my fourth, without a single word of complain, this fuck shit happened to me.

Everyday I came to work 5-10 minutes earlier, just to prepare myself for the day's work.

Because I didn't had banking/investment/finance background, I had 'notes' and made 'notes' comparable to that of any decent textbook. When I had completed my task and ensured that I really had nothing to do, I took those 'notes' out and gone through everything because I felt it's better to understand the entire structure and reasoning of this department and what I am doing.

And ALL these are done not because I was told to do; it came as naturally as anybody in my shoes wanting to be hard working. And there wasn't any credit for me to claim in this and I wasn't looking for any - I just wanted to feel more adequate being in my position knowing, understand and ability to contribute more to my dept.

Cedric told me that on his side, Sally the bitch rant about me not willing to work, use the phone, sms and even said that I don't even want to photocopy and even commented about how mundane it is.

OMFG, I almost screamed on the phone when I heard the last claim.

I swore to the God in heaven that if the claims was true, I would fucking get knock down by the next car that comes in my way. SINCE FUCKING WHEN DID I REJECT OR GAVE ATTITUDE when I was given any task/work? In fact, I did asked if there was more to do because I had none, just that jessica didn't had anything for me.

As for using the phone? I was like HUH? I only replied a few SMS in response, which took me less than 30 second before I switch back working.

AND THEN?

THE FUCKING TRUTH?

SOME EX-WORKER OF FORTIS IS COMING BACK AND SINCE THERE WASN'T ANY POSITION AVAILABLE, SALLY THE QUEEN BITCH DECIDE TO REMOVE ME.

How convenient!

How fucking shrewd!

I wouldn't felt so fucking pissed if she have told me that they have engaged somebody more experienced to take over me. I would have accepted it, although slightly disappointed, but surely I would still move along fine.

This Sally bitch slander the fuck out of gawd-damn life, making heaps of malicious, untrue claims about my weak productivity and bad attitude at work to Winnie, who had no choice but to accept her reasoning and end my contract.

Sally the bitch is so fucking intelligent that I applauded for her ingenious strategy - Fortis had to pay Winnie for my employment and by removing me, it literally kill two birds with one stone. She could get someone else more experienced, yet at the same time, she saved the cost of having to pay Winnie.

So fucking smart - nevermind if she hurl words of lie about me. Nevermind if she accuse me of nothing. As long as it suffice to get me out without having to pay compensation to Winnie, that's how FUCKING LOW she can go.

That's a fucking low blow

YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!

Out of Job

Sometimes, I just can't fucking believe my own luck.

I am out of job once again.... and I am still quite daze from the blast.

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

CAN I JUST FUCKING BE A PROFESSIONALLY PAID AUNT AGONY JUST TO RESOLVE THIS FUCKING JOB WOE FOR ONCE?

Because of Me

Reality hits me.

I can't even feel what I am feeling now; everything appeared to be a whirling maw of chaos.

Dad is going through a financial crisis - only to find a job recently to barely keep his breath over troubled water. He requested mum to redraw both me and my brother's FD to help him tide this period, although unknown to him, the money has already been drawn three years ago.

He was mad. Fiery mad. And have since stop speaking to mum.

Bro is in need of money - to pay for his KLPT and mum is too tight.

I agreed to lend him... four hundred. And I am left with nothing myself.

I am clearing leave this period; can't eat at cookhouse. Everyday's expenses is on me. My final army 'allowance' is only about 200+ (300+ minus 100 for insurence)

Brought wrong solution for Candy; she sounded extremely pissed and slammed the phone on me.

And on top of everything else, I am in dire need to buy working clothes for work this coming future.

...

Something stirs me whenever I see 三少 spending so easily with their money, in comparison to me when I even had to ponder so deeply whenever I patron the canteen. And when I succumb to my growling hunger and purchase an economical breakfast, it has to be such a way that it adds up no more than two dollars.

The consideration of a rare breakfast treat for myself would go something like this: 'Hmm, if I skip the wings, my opportunity cost would be an egg and a tua kwa. Ok, I think I would take the latter.'

From a meal... I had to bring up the notion of 'Opportunity Cost'. And it is just a fucking average brunch that nobody would bat an eyelid.

Mum always look to me for finance answer because dad couldn't keep up with the rising cost incurr by the family. It has always been this way since young. And when I was young, I was the kind of child that buy toys for himself... with my own money... all my life. It was Lego at first... then it became Magic Cards... and now... it became underground clothing label/s. Grew up having to be responsible for myself... and that of others, I shed my feathers of ignorance almost without consciously knowing. Bro turned to cigg at a young age and wouldn't bother to quit - wasting health and money over the years and whenever he is tight with the cashflow, I would usually lend him, regardless how reluctant/tight I am.

In the past, bro wouldn't even bother about having no cash and spent extravagantly/unwisely in which he even had to borrow money to foot for friend's birthday present. Those year, I was more stable financially, but those good years was over.

But mum and bro still look to me for an answer.

EVERYBODY IS TURNING TO ME FOR AN ANSWER. FAMILY, LOVE, LIFE AND WORK... EVERYONE! EVERYONE EXPECTED ME TO HAVE SOLUTION AT HAND... BECAUSE I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE AND WILL BE ABLE TO RISE TO THE OCCASION. NOBODY SEES HOW MUCH SACRIFICE I UNDERTAKE TO PAINFULLY PRODUCE SOLUTION.

NOBODY.

NOT EVEN A FUCKING SINGLE SOUL.

AND WHEN THINGS SCREWED UP, THE REPERCUSSION BEFALL ON ME.

BECAUSE OF ME!.... BECAUSE OF ME!... BECAUSE OF ME!...

IT SEEMED THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD AND THE WHOLE FUCKING NARCISSISTIC WORLD ONLY CARES ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Period.

Fatality

My mum spoke in a low, serious tone when she said this to me. (I was still lying on my bed).

'Son, I have a piece of sad news...'

What? I thought it was only a couple of days ago when she was pick-pocketed by some arsehole. (YOU WHO PICK-POCKETED MY MUM SHALL BURN IN HELL AND HAVE YOUR FLESH CUT, DICED AND COOKED!) Now, there is something else?

'You know Uncle Jimmy?'

I thought for a moment and recalled his face.

"Yes mum...'

'He's currently working in Thailand and yesterday gu gong (Great Uncle) called me, asking if Daddy was still in Thailand. I said yes and he told me to ask daddy to contact him asap... something urgent.'

'Ok, then?'

'Gu gong said that Uncle Jimmy was injured over there and wondering if Daddy could assist and find out what happen to him. Then later daddy called me and told me that Uncle Jimmy was actually shot...'

'WTF?'

'He happened to work in some waste company... some rural parts of Thailand and like you know in rural areas... before medical help could come, it will be distances away.'

'Then?'

'Yesterday at 3.00am... your dad called again... then he was pronounced dead.'

'...'

I was quite awaken by now.

'Why? What would someone shoot him?'

'It is because he fired some fellow who happened to mishandle company's fund. In fit of anger, he took a gun and shoot him.'

'OMFG!'

'Daddy was crying just now when he called... Uncle Jimmy was in fact his favourite cousin.'

In all my years of growing up, I have never seen or heard daddy shedding tears. This is, in fact, the first and I know deep inside, it was quite an emotional blow to him as well.

'The Uncle Jimmy's boss don't know how to break the news to his family, so told gu gong that Uncle Jimmy is badly injured.'

'So nobody knew this except us?'

'His wife is flying over to Bangkok this morning, so she will know soon enough. Then see how she will break the news to everyone in the family.'

My great uncle only have one son - my Uncle Jimmy, who is also my lovely granny's god-son.

'I don't know how this news should break to them and how can they take it. Furthermore, gu gong got a weak heart...'

***

YOU FUCKING MURDERER! YOU SHALL BE PROSECUTED AND CRUSHED BY THE HAND OF JUSTICE! YOU WILL TOO HAVE YOURSELF BOILED, CUT, DICED AND COOKED BY THE ERINYES. CERBERUS WILL CONSUME YOU AND HAVE YOU RIPPED APART... PIECES TO PIECES. HELLISH FLAMES WILL ENGULF YOUR SOUL TO HAVE YOU FOREVER BURNING IN TORMENT FOR ETERNITY!'



Life is so fragile.

It was merely one night; just when I had my half day leave and medical appointment later and it probably changed the entire status quo of my uncle's family - Everything will not be the same anymore.

真的是无法无天！这就是天地都不能容能！杀人要偿命！(To read Chinese Characters, please encode to Unicode (UTF-8)

Angish

Aunt Agony is real pissed

我觉得这世界根本就是把我当做‘很好吃’得便当。

有设么事都会向我怒发。。。还觉得我一定不会‘还手’

(I don't believe this, I can't even construct a decent statement in Mandarin, corresponding to this great annoyance within me RIGHT NOW. I am like trying to type and my limited Mandarin vocab cum word recognition just stumble me flat. Aiya.. FORGET writing this post in CHINESE la...zzz).

I am too good.

Too good to people whom I deemed as friends... and lover.

I realise that people just taking me as a trash bag for their obnoxious temper.

As if I am suppose to fumigate those nonsense and have to constantly tell myself not to retaliate and accept those shit.

You see, I can be fucking sharp and wound people with words. I don't have to give in. But somehow, people seemed to have this perception that it is something I am incapable of. As if yunhaier will always hold his tongue whenever scenario like these arises.

And to my fucking disappointment; it's the people around me. To the next higher level of disappointment; it's the people I will always see.

I am too accepting.

Too accepting in having to 看别人的脸色。

It seemed that I have to always cease my agitation and appear like a complete fool as people turn around and throw words that literally bitch slap my face. In which they happily thought that my bark will always be worst than my bite and gladly continued to dwell in their boorish manner. I just want to stop at there and just it. In view of this non-response, to further agitate me, I will encounter some form of fucking jeering or 'Ah hah... thus I am superior...' sort of attitude.

I see Michael being bullied, literally by that fucker, sometimes really pissed me off.

I don't see why is there a need to act like a big fuck when the dude ain't doing you any wrong in the first place.

OMFG. (I am getting even more pissed as my fingers sped through my screwed keyboard).

If only God spare me from these idiosyncrasy, I may actually do something drastic. Sometimes, I think I may actually lead a less-pissed life being a selfish fucker. Because as a selfish fucker, I could do away with less empathy... less tact... less this... less that and I don't have to always consider a win-win solution.

I am going to face this enigma... alone... like before.

I will pray for strength and endurance. Vampires are omnipotent; they can never be brought down.

Like God, Aunt Agony will also get pissed periodically. But unlike God, I can't summon quakes and natural disaster to demonstrate my annoyance.

(WTF? Blogspot is lagging and I can't put up pics? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!)

FUCK!

My Auntie

Time seemed to be walking slower.



Even my ORD days seemed like mirage in a desert.

I am beginning to dread this whole piece of screwed up organization that runs on tight bureaucracy, devoid of thinking leaders that cares more about covering their asses than their actual job.

If it wasn't because of the other good people, I think I would rather abdicate my position as the king-of-damaged-ISAC-card and be a lesser commoner, if that was possible in the first place.

140 MORE working days! It feels longer as days gets shorter.

Fcuking oxymoron.

All those sublime propaganda that my BMT had instill in me vanished like snow in spring. SAF speaks about 3G (3rd generation) soldiers? My boss don't even know how to operate a handphone and we want to talk about 3G? I think we better settle 1G first bah. And of course, it wouldn't take much effort to conclude that she don't even have one to begin learning with. Yes, I am talking about a DXO, who had served 35 years, and earns comfortable couple of thousands without a mobile.

Me as a scum-clerk already going to burst a gargantuan hole in my Renoma wallet from the monthly vicious phone bills and this 'auntie', being my woman boss, can actually survived all these years without a mobile.

I remembered an old theory in business, where we talk about the category of people who purchase new products... ranging from 'Innovator' (people who readily accept new products/technology) to 'Laggards' (the resistors) . I think 'my auntie' falls under the category of 'com hang'.

BTW, this is not a rant; it's a vociferous protest from my soul. Presently, I still don't believe that the people whom I called bosses, are so fcuking dumb. I was like constantly taught, indirectly, not to think and learn to cover more asses.

More asses... more luck! (VISA advertisement)

I missed the days when I get to mix around with more intelligent people. I am serious. I mean I am full of shit and perpetually acted dumb, but I don't behave like a adamant piece of block-brick-tard fool.

Do you go tell B to convey a message to C when in fact you could tell C yourself? Ok fine, sometimes we actually do such things. How about telling B to tell C so that C can tell D? That's fcuking brainless. Period.



I am like the little girl.

Aiya if you like, then I raise my hands lor...

Cheers