I gotten my book!

After yesterday's trip at Kinokuniya, I finally found it. Was struggling to decide if I should order online.

Choice Theory Reality Therapy has always been my main form of clinical intervention with clients and Dr William Glasser, my great grand grandmaster mentor is da bomb of this century. He is still alive and Evelyn just went over to States recently to visit him.

And the book writes:

"Nothing has harmed the quality of individual life in modern society more than the misbegotten belief that human suffering is driven by biological and genetic causes and can be rectified by taking drugs or undergoing electroshock therapy."

:)

The more I know - the more I don't

Just came back from Phuket; an extremely crucial break for me before I embark on my grand project to service elderly folks in the community.

And as I looked back into my lifespan thus far; it's interesting to note how 'I' have evolved: starting from the point where I dabbled in astrology and its related initial influence of Jung and Freud's nonsense, until the part where I fell in love with philosophy.

Sometimes people asked me where did I get all that understanding from. Frankly, I don't have answers to that question because I find myself perpetually a student. I don't, in fact, get all that understanding, which ironically made me realized the point about the more I know - the more I don't.

I have seen years of relationship crumbling down into a pile of painful sand overnight. Like my title suggested, the more they think that they understand about their relationship - the more they don't.

So... how well do you understand about your own relationship? :)

Originally posted by 0petslave0:


I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband. 


Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.


She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.


Here comes the problem. the child.


I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine. 


My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him. 


Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.


I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.


I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter. 


I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times. 


Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.


I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.



In a nutshell, there are two distinct issues; (1) of your relationship & (2) of the prospect of child rearing.

(1) Damsel in distress can be a tricky affair, especially the part where it could fuel the man's sense of power and identity by playing the role of the 'Prince'. However, the finest print clauses that are not commonly understood but are unfortunately accompanied by one of these circumstances - is the history leading to these wistful stories.

You could easily be deem as the 'one' that saved her - but like a double edge sword, you could also act as a substitute or serve as a rebound for her to acquire some degree of comfort and other safety needs. How much romantic love is involved is probably as elusive as quantum physics; the fact is that you will never know how much of those are love and/or calculated needs.

Therefore, this mental fissure naturally arises, which brings about (2) - you subconsciously expect the relationship to be between two, but in reality, it is among three. Surely, the grandiose image of love having to save your woman from a terrible marriage does seem to project the all-familiar plot of having forces of good to battle the great evil; if we were to concretize this picture, the daft reality would simply be co-dependence and mutual fulfillment of needs (e.g. financial, social, sexual and emotional).

Put it this way: nobody enters into a relationship devoid of needs; on the contrary, you are in a relationship because you have certain needs to be fulfilled and that you are getting something out of it. The dissonance only start to deepen if you are not getting what you expected to receive in values.

You seem to relate the seemingly lack of emotional connection and priority in her life towards you. Surely, it can be rather disheartening to 'sacrifice' so much for the relationship on your end (e.g. running into conflicts with parents, financial aids, childcare roles, etc) - that is probably where you get sore.

P.S: I suggest that you sought counselling services to help the both of you sort out various relational issue. You can PM me if you need contacts - if not, you can simply refer to some of the contacts we have listed in Aunt Agony.

Cheers

Fleeting Love

Peering through the calm sea,

My finite vision stretched -

Until I lost the sight of you.

The sea stared in strange dismay;

Not in agony; but in quiet sadness.

Yet for all peaceful choices made,

it has ruffled into an anxious wave -

Like passing boat

Travelling miles across the sea.  

I glanced at the shimmering sunray,

Coalescence with water

And transformed into a fiery tunnel.

Perhaps,

That is where you have ran into -

Where sight fails to catch

What refuse to be attached.  

- Yunhaier -

   250412

Hardcore Prostitute vs Hardcore Clients

I find it amusing when I read about the busted online prostitute ring started by Tang Boon Thiew and the scores of men being hauled into court and charged for having sex with this underage girl. As she is considered a minor by law, her identity cannot be revealed. Which is why you have a bunch of guys going to court and being charged for 'something that cannot be revealed' (what an irony).

Then you have criminal lawyer Subhas Anandan retorting: “How is anybody going to know what he is charged for when you don’t know who the girl is, and what her age is? Who are they trying to protect? As far as I am concerned, this girl does not deserve protection as she is a HARDCORE PROSTITUTE who got so many men into trouble”

Temasek Review had a poll, asking if the identity of the girl be exposed. Interestingly, at this moment: about 83% said "Yes; she deserves to be shamed publicly to send a warning to others", while 17% felt that "she is still young and deserves to be protected."

If we look at this issue from a sociological perspective, the value of the woman who prostitutes herself will be, very much often, slammed with a worst rating than men who paid for sex. If we analysis the result of this informal poll, it does seem to reveal an insidious subtle suggestion that it is 'normal' for guys to sleep around (even if it is paid sex), but an ignominy for woman to do likewise - with a significant number of  women also endorsing this perspective interestingly.

How is it so?

Our society is still largely a patriarchal one, therefore the mores of society does seemed to gear towards one that fit into the above scheme of thoughts. There is an unequal power in society and that would generally determine the major value of society.

   
Think about this in a relationship context - if a man is caught sleeping with a female prostitute and a woman caught sleeping with a male prostitute, what do you think is different? :)

Aunt Agony 060412 (Continued from AA 040412)

Originally posted by farnee:

Actually we have know each other for 1 yr (we work under the same project) and together for 6mths.  I can't say we don't totally understand each other just not that deep enough. He proposed to me that we would tie the knot on next year which make up to be our 1 yr courtship and i agreed. We even booked our honeymood and bridal pkg. But suddenly everything changes so fast.. i am lost.  During the phase of preparation he seems to be very happy and enjoying the process.  I don't understand.  (As well on last month my mother was hospitalise due to an car accident and was semi paralyze - likely to recover after theraphy)  I was quite stress out and perhaps shown my flaw side of stubborn and impatient side of me and he couldn't take that. 

I do not mind going thru the patience to wait for him to gradually move up to maturity in love. But i need to know how to deal with him.  He is acting like normal nothing happen infront of everyone. I am hurt this way.  the surrounding knew what is happening.  Everyone of his friend told me he is stubborn and he will think through and come back.  But i am not sure if he will.

How can i help him to come back ?  And yet doesn't give him the stress that i am wanting him back. Coz he told me straight on my face during broke off, he doesn't want me to wait and he might not come back.  He felt our characters are too stubborn and to be together will be v tired.  But i think he doesn't know to be together we need to compromise, having the inconvenience of needing to communicate etc... He mentioned he still love me very much, infact he tears .. sigh...



Our expectation of wanting to settle down is a greater good ideal that most people generally desire; unfortunately, the pace of love works independently of whether we think when it is 'rationally' good to settle down from a logical perspective. Biologically, he has slightly passed the norm age of intimacy (where relationship concerns form a significant consideration aspect of that lifespan), hence, he would naturally have to 'make up' the 'lost lessons' he failed to gain adequate mastery in his past experience, which broadly includes what I termed in my book as the Four Elements of Relationship: mutual lifestyle, communication, financial/security management and emotional connection. 

In the world of our emotional mind, it is highly complex and sometimes, it does not corroborate with our flow of logic. I can see that it can be very disheartening, confusing and discouraging to witness how he claims to still love you, but acts in a direct opposite way.

Our definition of love first sparks the direction of how we view love in our perceived world. The tiles that built upon this definition is constantly adjusted by our experience and interaction with our partners, discarding what was not helpful and keeping those that allows harmony and equilibrium. Problem lies when we choose to keep too many of the tiles we see as our individual nature and refusing to budge. The truth is that we only need to keep the main ones that openly define who we are - the immutable ones. The 'many others' actually allows room for negotiation - if that is what he/you wants.

For example, he claims that both of you are 'stubborn'. Is that an individual nature that strictly defines who you both are in a positive way? Like I am a stubborn person and I want to keep that? Probably not. Then it is probably something that is negotiable and open for evolvement.

Hence, the million dollar questions: mutually, do the both of you willing to work on it to keep the relationship or choose to discard it away just because of something that is open for negotiation?

P.S: Like I said in my previous post, it can be very trying to love someone who has not gain adequate mastery of love relationship in his/her earlier years. They have been fed with years of individualism - where they are so used in managing themselves, the freedom and all that verses the prospect of now having to compromise that space with someone else.

Is he humble enough to accept the cosmic lessons of love? Or is the 'I' more important than 'We'?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 040412

Originally posted by farnee:

How can i win a stubborn ex boyfriend back ?

Basically i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and i am his first love after 40 years of his singlehood. The reason he had presented to me for breaking off were communication problem, he find it hard to communicate with me.

Even i am willing to sit down and discuss how we can resolve the problem. I have even try to explain that every relationship has their up and down even quarrels but we need to communicate when things happen. But he is refusing to talk but chosen to broke off. He insist his way in shutting me out of his life making no contact with me saying he doesn't want to give me a chance to be his normal friend and to walk into his life again because not he don't love me but he find us not possible to love again. Yet he confessed he still have 60% of feeling for me it's just to go thru the relationship again he felt tired.

After 1 week of cooling period after broke off, we meet this afternoon during weekly event, when he saw me he tried to smile to me but i ignore him thrice. By right he is suppose to attend a meeting in the afternoon, suddenly he leave the event after lunch.


I like to know how do you guys feel when you ignore your ex GF, and when your GF ignore you back.. What is in your brain and thinking what.. will you have major wish to have her back ? ( Those relationship website, said ignore him will make him want us back) how true was that ?

He is 45 years and i am his first love. I thought he should be very much cherishing me ? Sigh..


Our chronological age has little to do with our maturity and learnings in love. In fact, if the scale of love was measured, he is probably at the stage akin to a teenager's first brush with love.

The fact is that some people intentionally avoid the 'cosmic lesson in love'; they may appear or express certain wanting to have a relationship or share a life with a significant someone, but the unconscious truth is that they are so used in living the skin of their own individualism insofar that any amount of 'self' sacrifice to the altar of love would tantamount to pure sacrilege.

Given the benefit of the doubt, still, his attempt to synchronize his theoretical understanding of what love is psychologically and his nascent love-filled emotional state would not be an easy process. Until the point where he decides to humble himself and realize that being in love means having the inconvenience of needing to communicate, empathize and to connect emotionally in a regular, effective way, there is no way on earth any love relationship is going to work for him.

If you feel that you don't have the patience for him to gradually move up the 'value chain' of maturity in love, it might prove to be a real struggle if you choose to keep the relationship. It might not be impossible, but definitely serious reconstruction effort.

Cheers

Some couples get married after short courtship

The effect of Uranus: speed marriage.

Would you?

Read it from Straits Times: You can read more here

***

Ms Hoo Yinjia and Mr Bryan Chua got engaged five months after they met.

To widen her social circle, Ms Hoo had signed up for a dating event organised by the Social Development Network last March. There, she and Mr Chua were attracted to each other and went on their first date the next weekend. Within two weeks, they became an item and marriage was soon on the cards.

Ms Hoo, 26, a customer service executive, never dated casually - she was always focused on marriage. 'My previous relationships, when I was around 20, did not work out even after we dated for about one year because we were still young and the men did not have similar life goals such as marriage and family. Bryan, on the other hand, wanted to have a family. He gave me a sense of security in our future together.'

After they dated for five months, Mr Chua, 30, an assistant manager at a non-profit organisation, proposed to her last August

Making Mistakes in Love

The rate of divorce is slowly creeping up. You can access the news here.

Sometimes, my own clients glance at me with an appraising eye; wonder whether this chap is able to help them work through their marital issues, considering the fact that I am not married... yet. Well, their concern isn't unfounded, just that perhaps professionally, I don't think that is really an issue at all.

The concept of marriage is but a product of society; fundamentally, all love relationship presents the same amount of risk and benefits accompanied by (may not legally though) the union of the couple.Marriage is the complex equation of the same theory; doing higher order mathematical sums does not mean that all the basic I know become irrelevant just simply because we think that we are on 'different phase' of learning mathematics. In fact, the fundamentals might become even more important because if we fail to grasp them at lower level, it becomes obnoxiously harder as we climb further.

Personally, our education does not really help in the way we develop love relationship effectively. Why would I say that? One plausible clue might leads us to our education system: it shapes us in a way that it leaves little room for students to make mistakes. We are bred in a society of 'A' grade and anything less is in fact less worthy from a grade perspective. We view life in dichotomy - either you make it to the good schools/course or it is probably inferior dumping ground for you. How sad.

Ironically, relationship presents itself in shades of grey and face it: people are imperfect. Even the best of person has their own flaws. Singaporeans can have many 'A' graders in studies, but in love, the masses are often 'B' and 'C' graders. The reason is because we often fail and make mistakes in love through our experience and interaction pattern. There are very very few people I know that are natural 'A' graders in love. However, the critical difference is that failing in relationship does not make us any less worthy as a person than it would be for grades (the Singaporean elitist perspective - in fact inferior grades shouldn't make us feel like a piece of shit too). In fact, losing someone unworthy is indirectly a 'bonus', but we are so caught up harboring a meaningless relationship just because we need to have that perfection of stages. (Express > JC > Uni > Good paying job > married > give birth > retire > death) and couldn't see that clearly.

I remember telling a client 'my job is not to keep your marriage - that's your job'. Honestly, keeping the marriage without the love is like shitting without toilet paper. You will end up making shitty mess out of everything and the experience will gradually become ghastly. 

Cheers

Aunt Agony 200312

Originally posted by redname:

ok, I've met this girl through some friends. We kind of hit it off the 1st time we've met but there was no contact for a few months. After that we kind met up more often through group outings for 2 weeks and everytime the both of us would branch out from the group and have supper or dinner with just the 2 of us. During these 2 weeks, we text each other often and become closer & naturally my affections grew for her.

On one fateful night, after our group outing, i send her back and i decided to confess to her cause I really liked her and she's everything i look for. She rejected me saying that we need to be friends 1st and know each other better.

I took it seriously that she really wanna know me better 1st, thus decided to be just friends with her.

During the next few weeks, I text her around 2-3 days frequency and called her once or twice. Her replies didn't seem to be avoiding me at all and were pretty positive. Thus i really believe that this girl really just want to see how things goes, however, i've tried asking her out for a few times as a friend and many times she just said she's not available.

I was very confused and decided to ask her whether she has something to say and eventually she told me that she was very scared when i confessed to her cause to her, we barely met each other and that i'm like a normal friend to her and she hope it stays this way. That blew my mind cause at 1st, she said it was fine and that we should hang out and know each other better, now she's saying that it's not fine and she doesn't want to go out with me anymore. She even said to some pple that i couldn't face the rejection and have became persistent but i know it's wrong cause i became friendly cause of the way she reacted.

I've stopped contacting her ever since and she didn't contact me too. Unfortunately, we did bump into each other 2 times. She came up to say "Hi" 1st and i tried to initiate a conversation but I could feel that it's never the same again. What makes it worse is that she was with a guy on the 2nd time and I jolly well know that the guy is interested in her as this guy went through a bad patch recently and needed a rebound.

Ever since this incident, i was very depressed and my life changed. I couldn't eat or sleep well, my work is also affected.

I really don't know what to do. on 1 hand, i wish to move on as i really don't wanna be in this state anymore but on the other, i want this friendship to work out and as much as i try to forget her, she still holds an impt part in my heart. I don't know how to start again as it's been so long I've contacted her and i'm not really sure if she's still scared of me.



When you attempt to seal the deal before the product is understood, it often backfires. The rejection appears to be a scheme to know you better, but in reality, it is a rejection because she is not ready for you. Unknowingly and in addition, there is also a subconscious mental reduction of your impression-value because we are psychologically programmed by our environment that hasty/instant/fast things are (usually) bad in the long term.

But there is certain amount of truth is that belief; just that your woman needs to be convinced that you are worth the investment for her to accept the quick proposal. The problem is that when you openly declared that you are dating her, you put her on certain guard that you will never be able to remove permanently. If your position is nowhere near an 'interest' level - whenever comfort measure/position you attempt to build will be nothing but to upkeep a basic friendship that would not advance further than a bff.

Furthermore, since your affection first started from a group date; it can be quite daunting for two people within the same social group to 'change their relationship status', especially when the group is quite knitted. The consideration in whatever minute changes in group dynamics when (1) the relationship is formed and/or (2) the possibility that a formed relationship is dissolved - can be quite tricky.

You might want to back off first and review your terrain; not knowing what leads you and if you insist on marching forward, you might incur greatly causalities.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 190311

Originally posted by ~Owl~:

My gf has moved overseas for her studies not too long ago, I'm happy for her and encouraged her to do so because she's doing what she always wanted to do in life. Initially, we decided to put our relationship to rest because her journey there will take probably 6 years, plus a few more years of bond, probably 9 to 10 years. But her her mother spoke to me and said she was disappointed in me told me to hold on if I really loved her. I thought about it and decided to give it a try. So now we are in a LDR

She's now overseas for about a month plus, but I'm not happy at all. When she's in SG, no matter how tight our schedules were, we'll at least dedicate some time to give each other a call everyday to have some quality catch up. But now, even if free overseas call are available thru viber or skype... we barely even talk in a week. If it's not that she is tired, she'll say she is busy...even during the weekend. It doesn't feel like a relationship at all... Whenever I try to call her to tell her to spare some time for us because I really want to talk to her, it'll turn out to be a fight because she says I'm unreasonable.

I need some advise and pointers, am I really not understanding and unreasonable?

When she has chosen such phenomenally long period of time residing overseas, she has effectively chose to give up the relationship for her aspiration. In addition to having to express her thoughts already, in fact, the reason why this relationship has 'revived' is largely due to her mother's intervention.

Strictly speaking, it seemed more like her mum's choice.

Therefore, with all that circumstances, this relationship can be said to be constructed on foundation challenging to sustain the skyscraper ideals of LDR.

Love becomes an opportunity cost to individualistic pursuit; sometimes, we cannot always have the best of both worlds, especially when it comes to love.

Cheers

Back to Reality

Sorry for the slow update - yunhaier just came back from overseas and buried under tons of work. There are some pending post that I am dying to blog about, so yup! I will post it up as soon as possible. :)

Back to reality! Damn it! I soo love holidays & traveling. :)

Danza Libre

My bro shared this with the crew. Not sure how many of my readers are into dance, but even if you ain't - the concept isn't too hard to understand.

I love this piece!

Stability and Relationship (Part II)

And so yunhaier continues:

I remember a quote from Barbara DeAngelis that goes something like this: "Love is a choice you make from moment to moment" 

One would ought to understand that relationship is not something that is given, but rather something that spawn out of the natural consequence of love. And since that is not merely a symbolic representation of a choice; we in fact make our daily choices to decide how we want to deal with our relationship - from drudgery to the highly complex issues in love. Our personal attitude could decide the course of action, our response and reaction to it.

However, choices are only meaningful if all available options are laid out like fan of cards for one to choose. The problem with this perspective is that people do not learn certain attitude/behavior in love because they are not taught (and reinforced regularly) by both life and their early childhood environment, thus these 'options' just minors from the original deck of cards. For example, if one's parents are not particularly expressive/romantic lovers, it can be hard for someone to adopt this stance of loving expression unless the child's experience has contact of such nature of expression AND actively decides that he/she wants to incorporate this single card into their 'overall deck'. Perhaps the child learns 'duty', 'responsibility' and/or 'a being provider' well - shuffles fifteen cards that relates to stability with only one card of romance. Seriously, what are the odds of picking the romance card? And how long the wait when the card is finally picked, only to be consumed and get placed underneath the deck of cards? Another fifteen turns!

Romance and stability are both 'cards' that can be fused into the overall deck. The key is to balance these two components so that the relationship remains fulfilling, secured and meaningful for both parties. Therefore, if you have a lot of 'stable' cards: it's time to slot more cards of romance into your deck, so as to balance things up, vice versa. Romance does not always mean giving your partner the moon; sometimes it just about doing things together and having fun in the process. And stability does not always mean financial stability - sometimes, it also mean emotional stability.

Balance, like many things in life, is crucial to ensure longevity of love.   

Politician and Love

If Yaw Shin Leong is not an MP today - honestly, other than his wife, friends and family, who actually gives a flying damn about his infidelity (if it is actually true)?

Infidelity is more common than one think it is; but once you are a politician, like it or not, there is no way you could live as an individualistic person anymore because you are constantly being judged by people, who might not even live by the same standard of their own judgement.

Politician caught dating married woman, ah! Bad person, so he probably make a bad MP (Devil's Effect). But hey, even politician suffers the same kind of vulnerability affecting their love life. Duh, he is a human being - a man to be specific. He still needs food, sex, love and air; he is not fringing God!

Mr Yaw has been expelled from Hougang: you can read the news here

Cheers

I love Seniors

Stability and Relationship (Part I)

The nascent of a relationship be described as a period of instability or a period of love delusion. Perhaps the madness of being in love drowns the concrete sound of rationality, where love conquers all and everything else matters little.

This is not a derisive attempt to discount the possibility of what love could do, but rather, after all that mirthful gaiety has faded, what's left is but serious contemplation of practical realism - of compatibility, needs and deep yearnings, which are ironically 'things' that ought to have iron out in a major way during the course of the relationship.

Personally, I do not think that love actually fades like sunset, but rather, the effect of having real people interacting and getting along with one another is the litmus test to decide if this person is someone you will want to spend the rest of your life in a relatively functionable manner. The ingredient of marriage requires components that are distinctively, but not exactly significantly, different from a relationship. For example: stability and security.

These two 'Earthen' elements are prerequisite for any marriage to work out decently. However, one must understand that the stability any relationship enjoys is NOT part of the love that comes with it; it is part of the arduous process of compromising, making adjustment or in a nutshell: mutually agreed way of managing the relationship that first develops the structure for stability. In fact stability is an illusion - all relationship are born out of instability. Even the most perfect, compatiable partners needs to work out a system to seek for an equilibrum in love that are acceptable to both parties. People do not merely 'settle' in like a piece of predestinated puzzle.

One common issue couple faced after dating for a long period of time is that they become accustomised to this security provided by this stability and for some reason, supersede it literally as love, which is ironically not the case during formative stage of their relationship. They are in fact in love with stability that the relationship provides and gradually not being in love with their partner emotionally.

There seemed to be an inverse relationship with stability and romance; for when we are loving to our partner, it creates stability (sometimes false stability) and when our relationship is stable, we often downplay the need to be loving partners and that generate instability. And the cycle continues ad infinitum.

The notion of marriage is losing its meaning in a broad sense; making vague sense of adulthood, marked as a common destination that 'most grown ups' will arrive at. After all the gusts of blessing and grand weddings - ah congrats! The real journey of love truly begins! More of the crazy things, less of the good things - especially when kids started claiming their turf in the couple's marriage; young parents start to focus on their little prince & princess and gradually stop loving each other.

Is your marriage/relationship like that? And what can we do?

I will address it in Part II

Aunt Agony 010212

 Originally posted by Bubbamapic:

I am a guy approaching my 30s. I have been trying to find the right girl for me until now I have yet to find. I am not disclosing my race nor my nationality. All I am saying is that where I am - I am not progressing.

1) I went after this girl at church. We went out for few dates. Then she said to me that she is not interested in me and we should be friends. So I agreed. however after I attended a church meeting. Her brother in law didn't like me - when I went in one of their meetings - he slammed the door to my face. And then the some of the church members became very hostile towards me. This made me discouraged to make my first move for fear of being flamed.

2) I met this girl who work for a bank at a church camp. I got her phone number through the address book. I contacted her in effort to make conversation. Then her text messages became more and more longer to reply: sometime 1 day or 2 day. After 3 or 4 calls - she never pick up. I gave up.

3) I attend another church. Met this 25 year old girl. At first she was very nice to me. We chatted. Then she ask me out a few time but unluckily at the time my boss force me to work long hours. I had to say no. Then this other 25 year old guy at the church went after her. She became very show off to me and told me that she want this guy over me. This lady go and bargain high high price at me.

4) I did work two years serving the church. Suddenly this lady - she is in her 40. She suddenly ask me out many many times. At first she needed my help to shift some furniture and escort her to church. So I gentleman escorted her. Then she became more aggressive started asking me out more often. Then the church people also wanted to match make me with her. The church leader go and make a meeting appointment for all church members but nobody turn up except this lady and me. Then she propose we go out together. I turn her down because it starting to make us look like a couple.

I am not interested in lady in (4) because I am looking for a girl who is in her late 20s or at least early 30s - I want to start a family. I got many friend who marry at 35 or 36 with wife of same age now struggling to have babies because of the age. Anyway, I know this 40 year old lady for 1 year, i know I am not interested in her because she is very different from me. Moreover she is older than me. I don't want to marry somebody older than me

5) I met this girl at the office. About 6 month ago. She broke up with her boyfriend. They had an argument and boyfriend gave her a blackeye. So i was so excited to make my move. I decided to chat more with her. At first ok. Then I decided to ask her out. Suddenly some co worker became very hostile at me. They started to mock me. She also became very unfriendly to me and treated one guy at the office better than me. After valentine day - she accepted that guy as her new boyfriend.

At first I pursue her. But she kept avoiding me. She instead delegate one lady to distract me. This lady keep on asking me out. I am not interested in her. Because the lady she delegate to distract me - like to go night club and get drunk. She is quite a drunkerd.

Conclusion:

I am frustrated. So many years here wasted. Cannot find life partner. So hard to find. I go to gym and diet to make myself look good. I dress well. I even go and study MBA to improve my skills. I go and serve in the church. In the end - what do I have to answer for? A 40 year old spinster lady?

On the other hand. My older 40 year old brother who is so so straight guy. He never had girlfriend before. He is so innocent. Apparently he was still a virgin. Then when he migrated to Australia - he met one ang moh lady. Within two week they became a couple. Within 1 year they got married. The ang moh lady even younger than him.

I have been here for 30 years and cannot even find a girlfriend. This is ridiculous. Mankind have existed for over million year and still able to find life partner to continue the human race. Nowaday, woman is getting more affluent. Make it impossible to find life partner.

I am thinking of going to Australia to find life partner. Over here (may not be singapore) it is getting impossible. I am not getting any younger.

Why is it always like this:

1) Why cannot find boy and girl like each other and then progress from there? Instead have to find girl that bargain high price - chase her then always get rejected.

2) Why always I like the girl but the girl don't like me? Ironically those lady I don't like, they like me? And these lady who like me normally are too old (I want to find a lady who is of child bearing age and very important I must have chemistry).


 
Using similar methodology of changing the 'external' environment will not help very much unless you gain certain insights on what's inside to amend and evolve before things could realistically improve. Attempts made to dress well, look good, beef up in gym are positive improvements. However, then again, these are still external changes to certain extend, which may not be the root of issue you need to resolve to help you move forward.

Then again, it's hard to understand what is require to evolve from within unless you know the real reason why you are constantly rejected (given the fact that nobody here knows you personally). The reality is that we will never know for sure and the only probable way of finding that conclusion is through deep-honest reflection, which may run into problems of seeing things through tinted lens and our individual blind spots.

I have some points for you to think about:

(i) You do seem to be able to secure dates; just that the deal falls through (somehow) after a couple of sessions. Hence, I see this as an interaction, chemistry and/or personality related issues that require 'intervention', which are in fact internal issues.

(ii) Your source of dates comes from the same stream (church). Even though you dated different people, but the environment is largely the same, which means that diversity is limited. Instead of migration, what you could do is to expand this stream beyond that of church. However, this does not change point (i) raise above.

It is natural for some people to be anxious, if they feel that they are not 'achieving' a classic lifespan development of life (e.g. need to have friends, need to be attached, married, have children, etc). It is a matter of your priority and needs at this current stage of life, which other people may not have any problem to begin with in the first place for sympathy to occur. For example, if my skill sets are always in demand and I am constantly employed, it's hard for me to understand what it feels like to be retrenched and unemployed because a fairly bias conclusion I could (not necessary will) make is that this person is probably 'inferior', thus he is eliminated by competition.

Also, you have quite precise expectation of what you want for a partner, but be careful about letting these expectations govern your dating experience when it should be the other way round. It is totally anti-seductive when a woman feels that a man is constantly checking her out based on his expectation of what he wants because in this equation, there is nothing about the woman herself.

Be aware not to transform your needs into a self absorbed imaginary of your own individualism.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180112

Originally posted by Undiscoveredsoul98:

I have a lady friend whom I've known for 7 years. We knew each other while working at the same place back then. We both got along well.

Some 4 years later, I develop feelings for her. After a month of consideration, she told she cant accept me for fear that she will lose me as a friend if our relationship dont work out. I understand that its nearly impossible to be friends after a break up. Though she broke my heart, I never hated her or hold grudges against her for that. I respected her decision. She told me she hoped we could remain friends even after this incident. I'm fine with that but it will take some time for me to get over her since we are working in a same place and see each other almost everyday.

And so the next 18 months have been rather difficult for me as I was struggling to get over her while still remain friends. There are times when I would ignore her at work as I need to withdraw myself from her in order for me to move on. That has always been the most effective method for me if I need to forget about a girl. But since we are still in the same place, it was one hell of a challenge for me. Each time when I stop talking to her or ignore her, even its just for short time, she would get very upset. She would tend to tell other girls in our place about me not talking to her. It seems that I'm somehow important to her even though Im just a friend. Like as if me not communicating with her is a big issue to her.

And so now, we are no longer working in the same place and working in different places. We are still friends, she even told me she consider me her close guy friend. Thats something no other girls had ever said to me. We both shared personal problems and secrets. Some of my friends advised me to treasure this friendship with this girl even though I failed to make her my gf.

I know many people would say that Im one of those guys who will always remain in the "friend" zone with girls. As bad as it sounds, perhaps there is a good thing to it. At least I dont have to deal with her ugly side, which she warned me she tends to act in such a way in a relationship.

So my point here is, though she is attached with a guy, she still wants me in her life. She make it seems that I am one of those people who mattered to her in her life. Im really touched, and I appreciate it. I do love her as a friend. I never had any girls treating me in such a sweet way. Being her close friend is like a "2nd place" thingy. Do I really matter to her much judging by how things have been going on between me & her? She might be sad if I really leave her.

If you don't believe in existence of platonic friendship in a purist way, then you probably never will. It's hard to 'develop' it because you just can't believe in it solely from one dimension unless there are major tweaks in your overall belief and coping system in love. It is not impossible - just that the bar of change is significantly high to pursue. It can be done, just notably arduous to sustain.

The point of you needing to be 'separated' from her presence is ultimately a coping measure - which is rather commonly employed. Perhaps she could do it because she holds a separate belief system, in addition to the fact that she is not romantically linked to you. That makes her easier to decide if she wants to keep the friendship, yet without having to struggle intensively like you.

But you are not her: you have to decide if this choice of yours is delaying your development in love (with other people). If I were to be brutely honest, it is likely that both of you probably acts as a buffer for mutual emotional support to certain extend - just no title to officiate your role.

Of course, if one part of your soul feeds on that tiny ray of hope, thinking that 'for as long as you are in the queue, you might actually end up somewhere', then don't be disappointed if things do not turn out to be the way you desired because you made the choice to stand in that queue when you could have easily walk away.

Cheers

Piece of Lard 02 (18 Jan 12)

The fat calling the lump larder.