Originally posted by Naive Bayes:
What you say does make sense..I am gaining perspectives, but I am still kind of stucked in that position. Though I understand that only I can really heal the emotional wounds inside, I am not very sure of the methodologies to cope with it. Perhaps, you could elaborate or give some suggestions on how I can deal with the internal festering wounds?
Sometimes I feel that it is more of gaining acceptence of myself and trying to forgive myself, rather than to get the person to forgive me. There were also times where I was afraid that there is an underlying latent issue at the back of my head that is much more serious.Sometimes, it could just be a case in which I simply think too much.
So have I created an illusion that has been fooling my own emotions all this while? If that is the case, how can I get my own subconcience to accept it all.
I would like to break out of this, and share my experience with everyone else. There are many people like me, who couldn't let go and I would hope that my analysis of myself through here could give pointers to the rest of the world out there.
To angel: Thanks to you too. Your sense of humour does raise my spirits indirectly.
Recently, I have a number of cases who asked me the same question - it is all good when we give ourselves rational reasons why we should/need to move on. It's all good really; just that the problem arises only when our emotions fail to move as fast as our mind and creates a discrepancy within that revealed a huge distance gap that caused this inconsistency.
Think about your emotion as the speed of driving a truck and your mind as a sports car. Sometimes, the more we push our mind to 'get over and done with it' - it resulted in a severe backlash and we relapse constantly because both entities are basically travelling at two extreme speed and there is minimum effort in reconciling. Ultimately, both entities belong to one body, so like it or not, you got to deal with it.
Humans are ritualistic creatures - meaning, we sometimes seek to exhibit irrational actions or behaviours in enabling us for a closure or putting an end to a particular chapter in our life. It is quite evitable that you have yet to come in terms with the way the circumstances has turn out for you, thus understanding what it takes to bring you to your eventual destination is pretty much critical for you to move along.
There is a reason why I coin this as a 'ritual' because ritual are purely human construct to symbolize certain experience. For example, we perform funeral rites for people who are dead - it acts as a form of closure. Obviously from a scientific point of view, when a person's biological body fails to function, the person is already dead. The funeral, from a pure scientific view, is a redundant act because the 'end' has already ended.
Hence, what sort of 'ritual' do you need to perform before the chapter can begin to close gradually? You said self forgiveness - so what needs to happen before self forgiveness can take place? If it means doing 'seeming' stupid things like 'needing to say what you need to say to her' - contrary to popular belief, I would say just do it if you know it brings about this effect, which is closer to your goal of achieving self closure.
Take it easy when you approach the subject of recovery because the pace of healing is truly relative. It's normal to falter randomly during recovery period - after all, these experiences are there to let us learn something about love, so that we can grow as a person.
Cheers
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Aunt Agony 290111
Originally posted by Naive Bayes:
I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.
I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.
I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.
I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.
I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.
I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.
Thanks for reading.
It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.
It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.
What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.
You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.
Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"
Cheers
I have been lurking around for some time here, and I have an issue that has been bugging me for almost a year. I do not have anybody close enough that I can relate to, so I guess this is the next best place to voice my emotions.
I killed a friendship I had with a lady a year back. This lady was really somebody I truely treasured, but I killed the friendship because I had unwittingly fell in love with her and said things that should have been left unspoken. As a result, she wasn't too pleased with me, and I have been avoided ever since.
I know that the correct thing for me to do is to move on. I have tried to convince myself that all I am feeling, was just an obsession and not true love. I have tried to push my thoughts away by focusing on my work and trying to participate in activities with other friends. When I am busy, I would not reminiscence about the past and I would try to keep to a cheerful facade. But sometimes, at night, when I am lying down in my bed, these thoughts would come creeping towards me and I would be burdened by regrets of the things I did in the past.
I believe in freewill, that I have no control about what other people feel about me. I can't force a person to come back to me nor can I control anyone's action. I also believe that there is no point crying about spilt milk. But despite all the rules and safe guards I have placed in my life, I turned myself into a victim of my own emotions. Here I am, crying about spilt milk that has probably turned sour by now.
I have thought that time heals all wounds. Sometimes it does, but sometimes the wound seems to reopen again. For a period of time, I felt great. But suddenly, my mind is bleeding again.
I am not asking for any help, probably just a listening ear. I have enough I keeping this to myself, and I am trying to let this post be an avenue to purge out this negative emotions.
Thanks for reading.
It must have been a painful decision - to 'straighten up' an ambivalent situation with an absolute decision. Perhaps it wasn't the best decision you have given to yourself, but ultimately, the ego was probably so badly damaged that at that point of time that it might be the only maneuver you could attempt to exercise.
It would be easier on your emotion if you could learn to release yourself from the positioning your decision with morality - namely, a 'good' or 'bad' move. Logically, you tried to reason out with yourself as you figured that it wasn't the outcome you envisioned and tried to adopt a philosophy that best adapt to this outcome. I am not saying that this is bad coping (we all have different ways to cope with negative outcome), just that the cause of why old wounds are reopening again is because you attended to your wounds superficially by pasting plasters all over your injuries, while your real core festers insidiously within.
What's rotting inside cuts and split the flesh apart, reeking emotional tunes of your wistful past.
You have not reached to an acceptance stage, although you experienced a shift in momentum; this is akin to you standing at the same position, merely turning your direction from east to west. Yes you get to see new things, but you are in the same spot - all the time actually. You turn from west to north; same stuff.
Perhaps a good question you might want to ask yourself "what could you do to help you move towards the stage of acceptance?"
Cheers
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Aunt Agony 180111
Originally posted by Yingjunmingz:
okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.
In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.
After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.
Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.
After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.
Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????
SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself
You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).
I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.
Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).
Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.
Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.
You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.
Cheers
okay, i have a gf for 1 1/2 years now. and from the start until now, she have never treated me nice or right.But in the past i usually tolerated it, for i love her alot and i believe deep down she loves me too, but now, im emotionally drained.
In the beginning, while she was with me, she kept thinking of her ex-bf and need him to stay by her side like SMS her meet her often etc. to the extend of sending him i miss you so much kinda msges. At those times i wanted to leave, but she kept holding me back, saying she need me as well. We quarreled and fought over this but in the end, she gave him up, in that romantic kind of way. but they are neutral friends now.
After that issue, i thought everything was going to be fine but it was just the beginning. As we grew closer, her true colours came out. She would attitude me or not respond to me talking to her for absolutely no reason or for minor reasons like for eg. me giving her the wrong color of the towels or if i cant hear what she is saying cause sometimes she talks really dam soft. We have occasional quarrels over this and the cycle always goes like this. She starts throwing tantrum > me Confronting her > She throws even bigger longer tantrums > until i have to apologize and wait for 3-7days til she cools down.
Then, she got a part time job at the same company as me, but different working locations. Every morning, she would throw tantrum and give attitude because i am not ready preparing, or prepare slower than her every morning (She lives with me). and the reason she gives is I didnt pack her bag for her, or she is tired sleepy. Until i had enough, i started feeling numb and not giving a dam. but she noticed my change, i really wanted a clean break but she kept threatening me with suicide and stuff like that and kept forcing me to take off to accompany her but i really cant.until i quitted my job as i cannot take the pressure.
After that incident, feeling guilty of the way i treated her during the phase in the above paragraph, i treated her even better than i used to, and no confrontation nothing if she starts her nonsense. i just 'bao rong' embrace her. And she had never done anything for me before, even if i ask her to pass me a tissue something like that. this continued until recently.
Today. For the past week she've been throwing tantrums in the morning, like that period of time she went to work (now shes studying) and throwing tantrums after school for being tired. i really cant take this anymore. until a few days ago, i couldnt take off on her off day(from private school), she started contacting her another ex-bf whom they had a physical r/s with. meaning just sexual. I couldnt take it. As i do not have any evidence, (she would say, we are just friends what now.) i cant say anything, but because of me not being able to accompany her for one day. she have to do this to me. Dear forummers, what should i do????
SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLS...question lies with the choice itself
You have intense vested interest in this relationship and certain 'profit & lost' perspective kinda reduced your consideration in deciding to walk out of the relationship. Surely it's natural to feel or demand ROI for all the 'love equity' we have invested in, but sometimes love is not just about time, effort, money or sacrifices (though these are important qualities).
I will brutely honest: as much as you have painted yourself an exiguous picture of a victim suppressed by his gf - there are also significant returns you are getting out of this - a 'familiar' relationship of 20 months living together and probably regular sex. Seemed like you are experiencing poignant frustration and your so called 'sacrifices' are somewhat 'a bad trade off', which you probably find that this deal might be 'overvalued' and you paying more than the initial forecast.
Therefore, even subjected to overwhelming trivial nonsenses hurled by her, or greater issues with her ex, you quietly accept the outcome (although not without protest or reluctancy).
Blatantly, you are not happy in this relationship. But you accepted anyway.
Her series of tests are not random; these are exhibited because the men before you largely conditioned her to believe that it is her prerogative to behave as such; in simple, she is 'rewarded' in some ways for displaying bad attitude and reinforced by unconscious habit and personality - changing that might be akin to moving mountains. You can start by taking away small stones, but chances are, you might have died of heatstroke before you can witness transformation.
You have to decide if this is an issue with compatibility or you are simply staying put because of habitual reasoning. Only then, you will know what you want to do about it and figure out your plans on how to go about executing it.
Cheers
Monday, December 13, 2010
Feeling Unworthy?
I would think that today's dialogue has come to some interesting (though not surprising) conclusion, which I would like share:
Nobody can make us feel unworthy unless we give them to permission to do so.
I would think that it is only normal for one to feel extremely screwed up after a break up and honestly, the 'natural' direction our thoughts would automatically lead us is usually the point about us probably being 'fucked up', hence the 'punishment' of being ditched or cheated on is 'acceptable', especially if the separation was initiated by the other person or if he/she cheated on you with someone else.
This inward directed self blame does insane amount of damage to ourselves because we fail to comprehend the reason for the perishment, thus resorting to us thinking that we must be unlovable. CloUdiSm would have think that the end of our cosmic lessons in love naturally brings about the death of the relationship, which is slightly different from the fatalistic perspective because there is a accounted reason/s and not conceding to the rationale of 'what will be, will be'.
When there is no more life, naturally there will be no more breath. Life is an essence, not something that you can 'see' or capture it in a bottle. Yet it is critical, in some ways, that keeps our mortality 'alive'. Thus in my framework, cosmic lesson represent the life that maintains the relationship and when you complete them, it dies and leaves behind a tale we termed as memories.
Some changes are critical for our own growth and may seemed to be negative as first, but take comfort in the fact that the darker the night, the brighter the dawn.
Sometimes we need to lose first, in order to win.
Nobody can make us feel unworthy unless we give them to permission to do so.
I would think that it is only normal for one to feel extremely screwed up after a break up and honestly, the 'natural' direction our thoughts would automatically lead us is usually the point about us probably being 'fucked up', hence the 'punishment' of being ditched or cheated on is 'acceptable', especially if the separation was initiated by the other person or if he/she cheated on you with someone else.
This inward directed self blame does insane amount of damage to ourselves because we fail to comprehend the reason for the perishment, thus resorting to us thinking that we must be unlovable. CloUdiSm would have think that the end of our cosmic lessons in love naturally brings about the death of the relationship, which is slightly different from the fatalistic perspective because there is a accounted reason/s and not conceding to the rationale of 'what will be, will be'.
When there is no more life, naturally there will be no more breath. Life is an essence, not something that you can 'see' or capture it in a bottle. Yet it is critical, in some ways, that keeps our mortality 'alive'. Thus in my framework, cosmic lesson represent the life that maintains the relationship and when you complete them, it dies and leaves behind a tale we termed as memories.
Some changes are critical for our own growth and may seemed to be negative as first, but take comfort in the fact that the darker the night, the brighter the dawn.
Sometimes we need to lose first, in order to win.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Go with the Flow
We don't win every battle in life. Sometimes it is just the way it is - not to delegate the responsibility to external locus of control by chance, but sometimes, you just don't have the macro advantage to get to where you want to go and micro advantages may not have enough firepower to push through.
Someone mention about taking a break - I think it makes greater sense to me right now. I really need a break from all this shit because I have never stopped trying to restore my original functioning level by sheer brute strength. And trying to move against the tide is way too ineffective.
Geri spoke about the flow. I know what she meant.
I have lost a large component of my own identity that perished with the ship that sunk, with the last burning memory of having to witness my co-sailor escaping the doomed ship by a speed boat to another ship.
My co-sailor had a contingency plan. I never - I had no alternative route. I died when the ship gets swallowed by the sea. I couldn't swim. Death was inevitable.
I need to find back this divine soul that was lost. I shall devote the entire 2011 to do just that.
Yunhaier - you will need to find yourself back.
Someone mention about taking a break - I think it makes greater sense to me right now. I really need a break from all this shit because I have never stopped trying to restore my original functioning level by sheer brute strength. And trying to move against the tide is way too ineffective.
Geri spoke about the flow. I know what she meant.
I have lost a large component of my own identity that perished with the ship that sunk, with the last burning memory of having to witness my co-sailor escaping the doomed ship by a speed boat to another ship.
My co-sailor had a contingency plan. I never - I had no alternative route. I died when the ship gets swallowed by the sea. I couldn't swim. Death was inevitable.
I need to find back this divine soul that was lost. I shall devote the entire 2011 to do just that.
Yunhaier - you will need to find yourself back.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Aunt Agony 271110
Originally posted by rouko:
I am with her for 3 years already and she thinks we will get married. But after this relationship with her I found out that I’m gay and I’m very sure now. She is a stunning beauty but I can’t seem to get on bed with her each time she suggests we do it I tried but I have little feeling compared to when I fantasize about guys. I still love my gf but I feel it’s not fair to lead her on since I am sure of my sexual orientation now. How should I tell her this?
Certainly, it must have been a shocking to any partner on the receiving end for such devastating news. For a gay person to engage in a heterosexual relationship is actually quite common as the revelation will sink in after they realized that they are not sexually attracted to their partner, which will spark a reflective, introspection journey that end up with your kind of conclusion.
I think your relationship with her will eventually deplete its meaning because this new found knowledge about yourself will make this equation an error, serving nobody's needs.
Telling her honestly will likely to be met with denial and bitterness. You must anticipate that pain is inevitable - it depends on how swift the cut you want to deliver, instead of dragging this doom relationship further into some illusion of grandeur.
Cheers
I am with her for 3 years already and she thinks we will get married. But after this relationship with her I found out that I’m gay and I’m very sure now. She is a stunning beauty but I can’t seem to get on bed with her each time she suggests we do it I tried but I have little feeling compared to when I fantasize about guys. I still love my gf but I feel it’s not fair to lead her on since I am sure of my sexual orientation now. How should I tell her this?
Certainly, it must have been a shocking to any partner on the receiving end for such devastating news. For a gay person to engage in a heterosexual relationship is actually quite common as the revelation will sink in after they realized that they are not sexually attracted to their partner, which will spark a reflective, introspection journey that end up with your kind of conclusion.
I think your relationship with her will eventually deplete its meaning because this new found knowledge about yourself will make this equation an error, serving nobody's needs.
Telling her honestly will likely to be met with denial and bitterness. You must anticipate that pain is inevitable - it depends on how swift the cut you want to deliver, instead of dragging this doom relationship further into some illusion of grandeur.
Cheers
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Philosophy and Love
Philosophy in love? Can eat or not?
Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:
Monism and Dualism.
I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.
Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.
Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.
At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.
Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.
Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.
Though there are many school of thoughts (and much as you may not be consciously thinking about such things, we all have our own philosophy in Love) and philosophically speaking, I would think that most people generally fall under these two main categories - in terms of perspective (ignoring the others for now). They are:
Monism and Dualism.
I kind of figured that people are daunted by words that sounded deep, but essentially, words are merely our way of expressing ideas into something intelligible that could be understood mutually by someone else. And many times, people don't realized that a significant part of their behaviors and way of processing thoughts about their relationship are actually fueled by their own fundamental philosophy in love, which actually give rise to certain phenomenon and circumstances unique to them and their love life.
Monism
the monist subscribe to the philosophy that love means two-becoming-one. Essentially, they see that when you have a relationship, both parties blend into the relationship and become one entity. There is no distinctive separation between the man and the woman for both has to sacrifice individualism (or change) to keep the relationship alive. Conflict occurs because of the 'push-pull' effect - due to the lack of understanding and compromising - which affect the harmony of the relationship. The relationship is the highest good. Some manifest effect of such belief is probably the thinking that couple should always spend their time together or the extreme devastation of severing this 'entity' when a breakup occur.
Dualism
The dualist believes that relationship is two-coming-together. Man and woman are made differently and maintain that love is but two willing separate strangers coming together to form a relationship. Conflicts arise because Man are from Mars and Woman from Venus. Ideally, working through conflicts involves compromising, which is the key in maintaining relationship without losing individualism. Dualist maintain that it is important to keep personal self strong and our personality is the highest good. Some manifest effect could probably fall under the thinking that platonic friendship between ex-lovers are possible or differences in personality actually complements the relationship.
At the end of the day, our own philosophy in love does evolve from experience and oscillate between these two main school of thoughts, depending on the development of our love journey. However, these two perspectives are still generally one-sided and does not provide adequate coverage to the complexity of a relationship and how it could positively grow beyond its limits. Therefore, they must be some middle way to these two extreme.
Therefore CloUdism adopts a nondualism perspective.
Nondualism
The Nondualist believes that the relationship is a result of the combination of both parties, yet maintaining that these two people are distinctively different. Relationship to a nondualist is two-but-not-two. Nondualist maintain individualism, yet eradicates malicious habits as a result of individualism that is harmful for the relationship. The nondualist maintain trust, yet care enough to keep close to the relationship. Conflict arises because both individuals and relationship are not maintaining nondualistic perspective and suffer from issues of the either extreme. Both the relationship and our personality shared the same level of good. Manifest effect of such thinking probably influence the belief that a supportive relationship is crucial (overlapping of social/gender roles) or to respect an individual's past and work towards a common future.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Eureka!
I think it's totally crazy; am suppose to be working on my assignments but I ended up studying Buddhism because I have to do some sharing soon. Now I had to blog this post because I am totally amazed at how profound the philosophy of Buddhism is - I think this realization is Eureka!
Non-dogmatic alignment with reason, logic and science - that belief is true belief, subjected nothing to blind faith.
I think I have just widen my perspective by a huge width.
Non-dogmatic alignment with reason, logic and science - that belief is true belief, subjected nothing to blind faith.
I think I have just widen my perspective by a huge width.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Aunt Agony 131010
Originally posted by Pritzzi07:
I'm a 30 y-o unmarried man. The problem is i'm in love with a woman same age as me who is working as a night club hostess and part time prostitute. I want to marry her but I know my family and friends will not accept this and i don't know what to do.
I first me met her during a night out with a group of my friends at the nightclub she works in. It was the first and only time i have visited a night club. She kept me company there and we had a good chat. I fell for her after that night and could not forget her. She followed me and my friends to one of my friend's house that night and 2 of my friends paid to have sex with her there. I refused to do the same. Both of them paid to have sex with her again several times more after that night. I kept in touch with her after that night though phones and finally, 2 months after that i asked her out for the first time. She said yes, and we have been going out regularly for dates for 3 months now.
I haven't really express my feeling to her yet although i told her i enjoy going out with her very much.
What should i do? Any advice?
With almost one decade of being around in AA, cases such as this do crop up from time to time. I have always challenge the poster to come back and share their success stories with maybe a PM or a topic post.
None ever came back.
***
Both of you are living in two different dimensions and have two separate developmental needs. You being the unmarried bachelor is hoping to fall in love, date and marry the woman you love. She is one woman working to pay her bills and fuel her current standard of living. Her encounter with you is merely a business transaction, eloquently said by ditzy.
Despite heeding to your moral intention of not having to pay her for sex, that does not mean that her dealing with you does not stem out of a business transaction. On one hand your simple minded perspective just want to love her for love sake, on the other hand, it is highly probable that she actually perceive you as a 'lucrative' business deal that could rake in much more than 'per-session' deal.
Surely a woman, regardless how slattern, is entitled to their pursue of love. However, the astrological causal connection towards how the man first begin the relationship with these ladies is all too familiar: the classic Neptune-afflicted relationship, thrown with a couple of karmic strings attached to it. It would be worst if your profile somewhat belong to either one/more of the following:
1. You do not have any meaningful relationship before OR isn't in a meaningful relationship for a long period of time.
2. You do not receive much positive responses from ladies in a romantic sense. You have encountered multiple rejection/failed chase process towards forming meaningful relationships.
3. Your life has history of being involved in/as (i) third party, (ii) sub-rosa relationship, (iii) elicit relationship.
P.S: Not all presenting choices are benign. Some existed because these are karmic landmines to get us into deep shit. You have been warned.
Cheers
I'm a 30 y-o unmarried man. The problem is i'm in love with a woman same age as me who is working as a night club hostess and part time prostitute. I want to marry her but I know my family and friends will not accept this and i don't know what to do.
I first me met her during a night out with a group of my friends at the nightclub she works in. It was the first and only time i have visited a night club. She kept me company there and we had a good chat. I fell for her after that night and could not forget her. She followed me and my friends to one of my friend's house that night and 2 of my friends paid to have sex with her there. I refused to do the same. Both of them paid to have sex with her again several times more after that night. I kept in touch with her after that night though phones and finally, 2 months after that i asked her out for the first time. She said yes, and we have been going out regularly for dates for 3 months now.
I haven't really express my feeling to her yet although i told her i enjoy going out with her very much.
What should i do? Any advice?
With almost one decade of being around in AA, cases such as this do crop up from time to time. I have always challenge the poster to come back and share their success stories with maybe a PM or a topic post.
None ever came back.
***
Both of you are living in two different dimensions and have two separate developmental needs. You being the unmarried bachelor is hoping to fall in love, date and marry the woman you love. She is one woman working to pay her bills and fuel her current standard of living. Her encounter with you is merely a business transaction, eloquently said by ditzy.
Despite heeding to your moral intention of not having to pay her for sex, that does not mean that her dealing with you does not stem out of a business transaction. On one hand your simple minded perspective just want to love her for love sake, on the other hand, it is highly probable that she actually perceive you as a 'lucrative' business deal that could rake in much more than 'per-session' deal.
Surely a woman, regardless how slattern, is entitled to their pursue of love. However, the astrological causal connection towards how the man first begin the relationship with these ladies is all too familiar: the classic Neptune-afflicted relationship, thrown with a couple of karmic strings attached to it. It would be worst if your profile somewhat belong to either one/more of the following:
1. You do not have any meaningful relationship before OR isn't in a meaningful relationship for a long period of time.
2. You do not receive much positive responses from ladies in a romantic sense. You have encountered multiple rejection/failed chase process towards forming meaningful relationships.
3. Your life has history of being involved in/as (i) third party, (ii) sub-rosa relationship, (iii) elicit relationship.
P.S: Not all presenting choices are benign. Some existed because these are karmic landmines to get us into deep shit. You have been warned.
Cheers
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Aunt Agony 091010
Originally posted by Doom995:
A few days ago, i was out with my camp mates dinner gathering. One of my sissy camp mates just show my gf and i pictures for everyone to laught. I know what they are laughing at. Because my gf is quite fat. I can’t stand that humiliation towards my gf…i was so fucking angry on that time till now. I already show my fucking attitude to all of them after they laught. But even they say sorry,pai seh and what ever, but i don’t think i will meet them anymore…this is not the first time already if this happen again i think i will fucking puch them hit them one by one..i really endure very long and i can’t take it anymore. Come on tell me what to do kick all of their ass?
You are affected because you perceived that they are being rude to your girlfriend. On the surface that appears to be the case, but part of that ruffled emotion is attributed to the fact that you subtly conceded to their perspective, hence the anger.
If you violently react on your part, what happen is that you subconsciously acknowledge their fact and you made that matter to you. The truth is that we cannot cease people from bitching about us (or our partner) and your role as a boyfriend is not to convince the world that your woman is beautiful to them, but rather, it's beautiful because you love her for who she is.
P.S: There is a niche is every market - it doesn't matter which partner you choose for as long as you like what you have. Some guys like girls who are on the meaty/fleshy side and if they are comfortable, seriously, why give a damn?
Cheers
A few days ago, i was out with my camp mates dinner gathering. One of my sissy camp mates just show my gf and i pictures for everyone to laught. I know what they are laughing at. Because my gf is quite fat. I can’t stand that humiliation towards my gf…i was so fucking angry on that time till now. I already show my fucking attitude to all of them after they laught. But even they say sorry,pai seh and what ever, but i don’t think i will meet them anymore…this is not the first time already if this happen again i think i will fucking puch them hit them one by one..i really endure very long and i can’t take it anymore. Come on tell me what to do kick all of their ass?
You are affected because you perceived that they are being rude to your girlfriend. On the surface that appears to be the case, but part of that ruffled emotion is attributed to the fact that you subtly conceded to their perspective, hence the anger.
If you violently react on your part, what happen is that you subconsciously acknowledge their fact and you made that matter to you. The truth is that we cannot cease people from bitching about us (or our partner) and your role as a boyfriend is not to convince the world that your woman is beautiful to them, but rather, it's beautiful because you love her for who she is.
P.S: There is a niche is every market - it doesn't matter which partner you choose for as long as you like what you have. Some guys like girls who are on the meaty/fleshy side and if they are comfortable, seriously, why give a damn?
Cheers
Sunday, October 03, 2010
RIP - Mdm Kwa Geok Choo
I think Lao Lee must have been devastated - although I may not agree with some of his political views, but I must say that I truly respect the way he develops his relationship with her. It is the same model which I envisioned as an ideal for myself - that a relationship isn't just companionship, but more importantly, a partnership towards towards a cause they both believe in.
The demise of Mrs Lee of taught me something important - that really, behind every successful man is a woman. And when she was physically fallen, Lao Lee not only took care of her, but also read to her two hours every day. It's not about the act that makes him faithful or a sentimental lover, but rather, the gratitude towards his wife who have supported him when he was a nobody and now in return, he took care of her, is genuine love - a bona fide love that rise above the test of time. If he was a narcissistic lover, then he would only be interested in receiving but not giving.
The act of giving, this altruistic part of a human quality, can be define as a virtue that divide us between the realm of human and beast. Love can really bring out this altruistic part of us and express them in the most beautiful manner ever.
Their relationship reinforce my personal stand - that if I were to marry someone who is unable to support my ideals, then it is better than I remain single. To have an exclusive companion is good, but companionship can be found easily. A relationship that builds solely only companionship, dinner dates and movie partner will hit a ceiling soon enough.
Like Lao Lee - if I am going to have a relationship of 63 years, then the relationship needs something greater to sustain it because there is only so many places you can eat, so many movies you can watch and so many countries you can visit.
I am comforted by the fact my thoughts are not utopia, but are possible and the right way forward.
RIP.
The demise of Mrs Lee of taught me something important - that really, behind every successful man is a woman. And when she was physically fallen, Lao Lee not only took care of her, but also read to her two hours every day. It's not about the act that makes him faithful or a sentimental lover, but rather, the gratitude towards his wife who have supported him when he was a nobody and now in return, he took care of her, is genuine love - a bona fide love that rise above the test of time. If he was a narcissistic lover, then he would only be interested in receiving but not giving.
The act of giving, this altruistic part of a human quality, can be define as a virtue that divide us between the realm of human and beast. Love can really bring out this altruistic part of us and express them in the most beautiful manner ever.
Their relationship reinforce my personal stand - that if I were to marry someone who is unable to support my ideals, then it is better than I remain single. To have an exclusive companion is good, but companionship can be found easily. A relationship that builds solely only companionship, dinner dates and movie partner will hit a ceiling soon enough.
Like Lao Lee - if I am going to have a relationship of 63 years, then the relationship needs something greater to sustain it because there is only so many places you can eat, so many movies you can watch and so many countries you can visit.
I am comforted by the fact my thoughts are not utopia, but are possible and the right way forward.
RIP.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Security or Love?
Interestingly I have been called an idealist when I thought it was basically fundamental. Perhaps, my definition of what's fundamental might be classified as idealistic, but I would still stick to my guns on this.
The folkways effect on being single in modern Singapore is quite apparent. There seemed to be somewhat a pressure on getting people hitched, especially if you are on the road to be of a 'marriageable age'. Somewhat socially, we are conformed to believe that we must be attached in order to achieve some sort of stability, so as to ensure certain level of self worth and certainty that we are loved and wanted. This is especially pronounced in that of a woman than a man, but it affects both ways equally.
Ironically, the concept of 'single' equates to 'being alone' or 'unwanted', instead of enjoying life while actively looking out for someone who could complement you. What happens in reality is that people choose existing pool of potentials from their social circle and often decide upon mates that don't exactly fit very well. These are what I call the 2nd/3rd order partners, which serve as a function to negate the perspective of being 'unwanted' to 'wanted' - but deep within their subconscious, they don't exactly love their chosen partner/s in a deeper sense, other than the need to appease this insecurity.
It wouldn't surprise me that a significant number of woman end up marrying for security and not for love. It doesn't matter whether they are dissatisfied or unhappy, because at the end of the day, they are still 'wanted' and being alone or seen to be alone is a devil greater than being in a unhappy/dissatisfied relationship.
Which is why one out of every three marriage will end up in divorce. It is not because the love wasn't strong - it is because the fundamentals is already wrong in the first place.
P.S: The teleology in love can be so profound insofar that they cannot be understood merely by the context of the love in which they express through the interaction of the relationship. Sometimes, we need to deal with our own fear of loneliness, so that we are able to lead the relationship in a less suppressive manner.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Aunt Agony 310810
Originally posted by Thinkingofyou:
I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.
Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.
Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.
Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.
Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.
It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.
Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.
P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.
Cheers
I've been married for over one and a half years. My husband's posted overseas for work slightly over 3 months ago. There is another 4 months to go.
I'm not sure but highly suspect that its due to my loneliness, that I recently found myself thinking of a man who had chosen to depart from my life and discontinue our unusual and illicit relationship, after I told him that my then-bf (who became my husband) proposed to me and I accepted.
I last heard from him about 1 year ago, when he popped online to ask me how I was. he had "vanished" for many months before that, when I told him that my then-bf proposed to me. He popped up 1 yr ago that time, he asked me whether I had accepted the proposal. I said yes. This is in itself, a lie, because actually I was already married by then.
After I told him that I have accepted the proposal, which today I think was the biggest mistake of my life, this man never contacted me ever again. Before that he was already acting weird and said how he didn't feel that it's right of him to continue our unusual relationship while my real bf and I took serious steps to cement our relationship (through engagement). He said he feels bad towards my then-bf, who did not do anything wrong to him and feels he can't "violate" an engagement that will amount to marriage (as all engagements are supposed to).
I wonder if its due to my husband not being around, that i've been thinking of him again (prior to my husband's leaving singapore for the posting, I didn't think of that man too much).
But now in fact, not only do I think of him, I visualise meeting him and us in embrace. I also wonder if the fact that he's still lurking around in my mind, is because there was no proper closure between us.
I really miss him so dearly and I pray to God that he has found happiness with a girl who makes him laugh like I do, who understands him like I do and who can click with him so well like i do. In other words, I feel that I'd have been this girl together with him married, if we met under different circumstances or in an alternate reality.
I can't stop thinking of him. and I'm also worried of how this affects my marriage. Last week i even threw my temper at my husband when he phoned, I think its because of my thoughts and feelings for this man. what should I do?
he chose to cut me off after thinking that I was getting married, yet he had no qualms about having feelings for me all throughout the time when I was attached to my then-bf or attached to previous bfs.
is there such a big distinction between the status of married and attached, if you're a guy and you have feelings for a girl?
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't.
Pretty much a fantasy constructed entirely from your mind; as you have mentioned, most of your communication with him is within this virtual space, hence it's easy to say that this man could have been part of your marriage plan if 'he' were to do something in the past. I am not concerned about who makes a better fit (between your husband or the other guy), but rather, to use ideas of what you think the relationship would be like from a hypothetical point of view can be very different from the reality of being together with him.
Honestly, there is serious dissatisfaction in your marriage and this is something that is creating powerful push factor/s to rethink into your marriage. This man conveniently served as a tool of escapism, where the line between what's real and unreal becomes blur. Surely circumstances would have led you to where you are now and there are higher reasons why circumstances are manipulated into what they are and these are not easily comprehended by our finite mind.
Loneliness is common manifestation of a dissatisfied relationship and if you find yourself having to retrace your decision (although not entirely acting on it just yet), it probably suggest the perilous state of health your relationship is at. If you perceived that this 'other man' requires a greater status other than just being a man 'you could have, but didn't', this is probably where your complication really begins.
Seemed like the previous attempts of mending the relationship wasn't exactly fruitful. There is still much underlying current of intensive emotions hidden at the back of your subconscious. It would truly be fallacious if people believe that marriage will dissolve all existing problem in their BGR relationship - e.g, your illicit relationship with the other man. The truth is that it merely burrows itself into our subconscious, waiting for opportunity to screw our mind and heart once again because we fail to recognise the crux of issue.
It is a common phenomenon for people who are unavailable/unable to commit to find someone likewise because there appear to be 'safety' in 'playing around' with people who are unavailable as it socially 'restrain' us from transgressing. But the problem is that if we don't recognise them as part of our mechanism to prevent ourselves from falling deeper, but instead, push the boundary beyond what it should have been, then it is possible to burn down the relationship.
Although you might have cemented the relationship before marriage, cracks are surfacing. From a longer term perspective, I think it might be helpful for you not to look externally for answers (e.g the other man), but instead, introspect inwardly to see if this marriage and love with your husband is something that you genuinely want. Only then, would you be able to build your decision from that point onwards and see how you could safeguard this marriage from the role of a wife.
P.S: Elbows are close to our heart, but most of us are not physically able to kiss our elbows. Sometimes in love, some people are just not meant to be - we will probably break a bone or two if we force it through.
Cheers
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Aunt Agony 240810
Originally posted by pokka77:
i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime
i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.
I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).
I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.
For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.
What should i do ? Humhh
The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.
What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).
Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.
The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.
You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.
Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.
Cheers
i am puzzle and vex for i am not sure if i should confess my past relationship to my boyfriend-to-be. (Meaning we could be together anytime
i am worry sick of disclosing my past relationship to him as i am worry he might think otherwise.
I am involve with a married man years ago (got into this shit cause i was pretty young then and didn't know he was married after knowing and talk things out as he wasn't able to get a divorce so we actually broke off but keeping each other as companion all these years (6yrs).
I am not sure if i should tell him. He has been telling me not all man can take the truth but he would prefer his gf to tell him rather then him find out bits by bits.
For me i am pressured, coz in my previous relationship i met with the same issue. and confession till us to quarrel, jealousy and broke off. My Ex BF could handle the stress of my past.
What should i do ? Humhh
The processing of your guilt does not diminish even with the act of confessing to your current beau about your past. The act of forgiveness and embracement of your past starts with yourself and it is not something that somebody can give to you.
What I am hearing is that your decision of keeping each other as a companion is probably akin to lead a non-committed relationship for six years. This unwise decision, although you have probably rationalized that you are free to date whoever you want, in reality, has actually shackle you in some sense. It is indeed a paradox when it appears that you seem to have freedom, but subconsciously, you are still somewhat tied on a deeper spiritual sense (likely a Saturn-influence relationship fueling a karmic relationship), therefore, how you brand this relationship is not exactly important (companion, best friend, FB, etc).
Perhaps you are tired in your arrangement with this married man - merely drifting, with no exact destination to land. Your experience has taught you that revealing your past will likely to bring about adverse consequence to your current relationship with minimal benefits. Hence, I do not see a point for you to go about relating what has happened in the past when you ought to be focusing on building a new future with your new beau.
The reason why you failed in your previous relationship is not so much about you having to share your past with your ex-bf; but rather, it's about your unnecessary inclusion of him into the picture of your not-so-glorious past, where there is nothing you or he could do to alter them. Failing to invest in the present and look forward will inevitably force you to turn your shoulder over and quarrel about an illusionary past that produce illusionary premises for quarrels. And when the false premises are regarded as real, the death of the relationship will also real - even if it could be the most promising relationship ever.
You can't have the best of both worlds. If you want to walk about from your past, you have to sever bonds with that married man (something which you ought to have done six years ago). If you feel that you need a companionship to serve as a backup, then you will always run into the problem of being haunted by issues of the past.
Start afresh comes with determination and wisdom to steer in the right direction. To drive faster in the wrong direction will only make you crash faster... in more fatal manner.
Cheers
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Aunt Agony 140816
Originally posted by: gigabyte14
guys, i made a terrible mistake...
its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too
its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness
summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out
religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect
shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry
its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work
am i doing the right thing?
Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.
I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.
In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?
It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.
From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.
Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.
Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.
Cheers
guys, i made a terrible mistake...
its like i made a girl really sad, and cried too
its like im afraid of commitments, like i will automatically think far, and its like emotions will get the better of me in future... imagine, imagine i wanna go overseas study, or work, and in the end because of emotional ties i will be like choose everything other than my happiness
summore recently the ppl ard me are like divorce and breakup, it makes me think that everything can be so unpredictable, it freaks me out
religion clashes too, i know it wont affect me now, but in the future it'll definitely affect
shes happy, but im not, im just not the kind of commitment kinda person, and i just... made her cry
its like better to end the smaller picture in order to make the bigger picture work
am i doing the right thing?
Honestly, if you would to relook at what you have typed, your fear of commitment has pervades every single mote of your thoughts and rationalized them into some 'linear causal fashion' as if life indeed runs in some orderly manner. Added with tint of non-related deduction like social observation from people's failing relationship is kinda bull as well.
I find it absurd whenever people say things like 'everyone's relationship around me is failing' and they use it as a factor (no matter how minute) to deter them from engaging in possible meaningful relationship. It's almost like a gambler's fallacy, when you made use of factors that makes no sense to unique situations because every set of game is different - just like every possible combination of relationship in any given time is vastly different.
In US alone, one car-accident-related death is accounted for every passing 13 minutes. If we use the world statistic, it would probably be insane. So does that means that we don't walk the street or drive any cars because a number of people around us are dead because of car accident?
It doesn't matter what decision you make because the point of my post does not address the morality of your decision, which it is absolutely insubstantial to me. What is of a concern is how your conceptualize your reasoning which give rise to your final decision.
From what I am seeing, religious conflict is the only real issue. Well, perhaps you might want to be brutally honest with yourself on what's the real shit that isn't really workable here and avoid dumping unnecessary components in your reasoning to 'beef up' your justification - more quantity does not mean more reasonable.
Are you willing to compromise in the framework of a relationship or you prefer to pursue your individualistic goals? It does not necessarily be an either or, but in your own private scaling, how much are you willing to relent towards the other side of the scale that isn't part of your grand plan? Many times, there are middle grounds that we could tread, not just caught between a rock and a hard place.
Learn to remove 'rightness' and 'wrongness' in any decision. Decisions are neutral. There are only wise and unwise choices. Willing or unwilling choices. If you cannot determine what is wise and unwise, then you decide what you are willing or unwilling to undertake.
Cheers
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Aunt Agony 070810
Originally posted by ulquiorra87
I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..
So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?
It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.
It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.
Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.
You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.
Then your thoughts should be clearer.
Cheers
I'm facing a dilemma, I'm Travelling ALOT right now, and while all that travelling gives me valueable insight and learning experience, it is also my bane, i am at 23 and i don't have a steady girlfriend cause of this. While i sometimes enjoy the different stuffs i do, i sometimes feel sooo soo lonely on the inside, and i know i cant find a girlfriend yet because i know i will move again and the relationship will surely end. SOmetimes i feel so happy but i have no one i can truly share it with, sometimes i feel demoralized but there is no one i can confide in. I dont like this feeling.. And i'd like to find a singaporean girlfriend but i wont be back in SG for the next many years.. Unless i stop my overseas job after i graduate and slack off in SG to find my soulmate..
So this is a choice between finding my soulmate or advancing in my career quickly.. And frankly i am 50/50 on this. What do you guys think?
It's quite difficult to have your cake and eat it. In reality, relationship do creates certain structures; despite how individualistic we are with regards to our life and perspective, it do somewhat condition us to try 'fit' into this structure. The more individualistically adamant your ideals are, the more challenges it is to squeeze them into the framework of a relationship.
It is not that a relationship is detrimental to our individual ideals, but rather, it is part of a greater understanding to promote the beauty of understanding, compromising and acceptance. Surely, if the structure of the relationship constricts certain things in life, something has to sacrifice a little. Sometimes in life, it's difficult to have the best of both worlds.
Also, soul mate doesn't just appear just because you decide to stay in sg and 'slack'.
You can only decide what is important to you right now at this stage to make reasonably calculated choice/s for yourself - look at the opportunities you own now and decide what you want to do with them. And not plan with things that has not manifest itself just yet.
Then your thoughts should be clearer.
Cheers
Job Satisfaction
Today, I truly experienced what it is like to have job satisfaction.
It is nothing like I had experienced before.
The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.
Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.
It is nothing like I had experienced before.
The strong sense of purpose and knowing what you are doing and where does it leads to is insanely important.
Without those components, we are just mondays-dreader waiting for friday-after-6pm.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
Final Post
This would be my final post on my relationship with her.
I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.
I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.
I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.
You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.
I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.
I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.
You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.
I hope he treats you well.
I think life is mystically interesting - going by Carl Jung concept of Synchronicity, I can see that happening in my reality: the little subtle 'support' bar for me to pick myself up always materialize mystically every time when I needed that little push for me to bounce back - each time higher than the previous.
I think because life has detected several pieces of broken glasses in me and easily trampled by the overwhelming meaningless thoughts of my adamant intensive mind that seeks to depress the state of my life condition. I was assisted whenever I truly needed the assistance, in the most unfathomable ways.
I had a dream yesterday and in my dream, I was walking across several places, feeling extremely tired from the ordeal. But eventually, I seemed to reach a place and the surreal imagery ends there. There was no recollection of the ending, just blackness.
You see life is full of surreal imagery, as if nothing is indeed permanent in this world. I instantly understood my dream - as if my subconscious is telling my conscious mind something.
I used to think that I lost something very important - which constitute a very significant part of my life that label almost 'everything'. Then in retrospect, I cannot lose something which I don't own in the first place because Love is not a possession acquired like how we purchase goods. You have the freedom to decide what you want in life and love, just perhaps that through this freewill, unfortunately, you seek for something else in which this relationship cannot sate and accommodate your change of needs.
I realized that I don't hate you for your deeds - I only hated you for your silence and all that acting. At the end of the day, everything just falls apart with time because you cannot sustain this screen forever. What hurts is that I am given with facade information to manage my recovery, other than the real truth told in my face, in which the latter was revealed gradually as time passed along. That way helped you to manage your guilt of cheating me, but not as mature adults on amicable split.
You are still a little girl after all these years, but what I really need is a woman.
I hope he treats you well.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Younger men seeking foreign bride
I always find it uncomfortable whenever I view reports of man purchasing brides from countries like Vietnam and how they think it's absolutely a great idea to resolve their lack of marital prospect, in reference to their failed dating experience leading to limbo with local woman.
I recalled the time when my sociology lecturer shared with us about a story of his colleague who has 'purchased' a Vietnam bride. In addition, he was gleaming when this colleague of his added the fact that he has actually gotten a discount when he has 'purchased' his wife-to-be; it works somewhat like how I would imagine myself buying Sushi at Cold Storage after certain timing at night - everything is slapped with a 50% off label.
On top of that, he disallowed her to go out because he deemed that she might learn 'bad influence' and later run away (with another man).
Personally I find it hard to stomach the thought of even having to relate the thought of 'purchasing' foreign bride. Although the case above might be extreme, but I don't think it's uncommon - all sociologically trained student would instantly sees that as a form of exploitation. From an economic perspective, surely this is acceptable because the market is determined by supply and demand. But it would be too derogatory to even use this perspective because woman would naturally be reduced to that of a good and it is not something that one would like to see their wife-to-be as.
What I find it amusing is the reasoning this man has employed which give rise to his decision and I quote:
'He did it because his plan was to settle down and have a family by the age of 30. He was planning way ahead: he wanted children who could support him in his later years'
Another incredibly amusing thought:
'Mr Low, who had girlfriends before, said he wanted a relationship which was 'guaranteed' to end in marriage.'
'Marrying a local or marrying a foreign bride is the same, both might end in divorce... but so far, it's okay, I already have a one-year old daughter,' the 30-year old said matter-of-factly.
His concerned is not about his wife; only about the child he wanted to support him in his later years - there is a contradiction when he claims that he wanted a guaranteed marriage, yet end up having to admit that it's not guarantee somewhat too. Such narcissism in love, is often shielded under the category of brandishing traditional mindset, is way... way too obsolete to project this as an idea in our modern society. Of course our government would be more than happy to support, getting more Singaporean to marry and give birth - having more cash cows to milk from and to address our plunging birth rate.
And here comes the dual king of all statements in the article:
'A successful match can set a man back by $8,000 or $10,000. Mr Tan, who had some financial help from his mother, paid the agent $8,800 for his bride. It was a price he felt was worth forking out.'
'Mr A H, 35, a teacher, is one example of someone who was too busy with work to spend time dating. He has had relationships before and joined the Social Development Unit... but he said he was "too lazy" to participate in the activities. "Sometimes you're too mentally and physically tired due to work. It's much easier to get a wife this way, but to get a good person may depend on luck." '
I think pragmatism/consumerism in our society has reached to a point of utter disgust, in which I am beginning to abhor at how fucking lame thoughts are becoming. Firstly, how the hell do you come to a conclusion that $8,800 is a worthy price? Alright, I put on my pragmatic/consumer mindset and I derive this equation:
A)
Cost of Maid:
Levy: $265
Salary: $350
Total: $615
$8,800/$615 = 14.3 months
I would have broke even by the 14th month using $8,800 as a figure (to get a Vietnam bride housewife or a maid to manage the household).
B)
If I include sex in the equation
Cost of Sex:
$50/per session
E.g: 3 times a week (12 times a month) = $600
$8,800/($615+$600) = 7.2 months
So I would have broke even by the 7th month.
Seriously, this is all maximum bullshit. I can't believe when the teacher claim that he was too lazy to date and buying a bride was an easy way out - it's like saying that 'I want the sex part, but I don't want to waste time dating. So skip the dating and let's get married. Opps! Did I mentioned that the household is your arena too?'
Because I tell you, say if his bride refuse sex or cannot conceive - I bet with my balls that most of these man would likely to display the 'oh damn it! I paid for this and now there is no sex? No kids? Agent! I want a change of GOOD!!!!!!!!!'
*Flailing violent arms in the air and stamping feet*
It would be a cause for concern if these woman were abused. Better pray that I don't kanna one caseload like this, if not sure clash with my values.
I recalled the time when my sociology lecturer shared with us about a story of his colleague who has 'purchased' a Vietnam bride. In addition, he was gleaming when this colleague of his added the fact that he has actually gotten a discount when he has 'purchased' his wife-to-be; it works somewhat like how I would imagine myself buying Sushi at Cold Storage after certain timing at night - everything is slapped with a 50% off label.
On top of that, he disallowed her to go out because he deemed that she might learn 'bad influence' and later run away (with another man).
Personally I find it hard to stomach the thought of even having to relate the thought of 'purchasing' foreign bride. Although the case above might be extreme, but I don't think it's uncommon - all sociologically trained student would instantly sees that as a form of exploitation. From an economic perspective, surely this is acceptable because the market is determined by supply and demand. But it would be too derogatory to even use this perspective because woman would naturally be reduced to that of a good and it is not something that one would like to see their wife-to-be as.
What I find it amusing is the reasoning this man has employed which give rise to his decision and I quote:
'He did it because his plan was to settle down and have a family by the age of 30. He was planning way ahead: he wanted children who could support him in his later years'
Another incredibly amusing thought:
'Mr Low, who had girlfriends before, said he wanted a relationship which was 'guaranteed' to end in marriage.'
'Marrying a local or marrying a foreign bride is the same, both might end in divorce... but so far, it's okay, I already have a one-year old daughter,' the 30-year old said matter-of-factly.
His concerned is not about his wife; only about the child he wanted to support him in his later years - there is a contradiction when he claims that he wanted a guaranteed marriage, yet end up having to admit that it's not guarantee somewhat too. Such narcissism in love, is often shielded under the category of brandishing traditional mindset, is way... way too obsolete to project this as an idea in our modern society. Of course our government would be more than happy to support, getting more Singaporean to marry and give birth - having more cash cows to milk from and to address our plunging birth rate.
And here comes the dual king of all statements in the article:
'A successful match can set a man back by $8,000 or $10,000. Mr Tan, who had some financial help from his mother, paid the agent $8,800 for his bride. It was a price he felt was worth forking out.'
'Mr A H, 35, a teacher, is one example of someone who was too busy with work to spend time dating. He has had relationships before and joined the Social Development Unit... but he said he was "too lazy" to participate in the activities. "Sometimes you're too mentally and physically tired due to work. It's much easier to get a wife this way, but to get a good person may depend on luck." '
I think pragmatism/consumerism in our society has reached to a point of utter disgust, in which I am beginning to abhor at how fucking lame thoughts are becoming. Firstly, how the hell do you come to a conclusion that $8,800 is a worthy price? Alright, I put on my pragmatic/consumer mindset and I derive this equation:
A)
Cost of Maid:
Levy: $265
Salary: $350
Total: $615
$8,800/$615 = 14.3 months
I would have broke even by the 14th month using $8,800 as a figure (to get a Vietnam bride housewife or a maid to manage the household).
B)
If I include sex in the equation
Cost of Sex:
$50/per session
E.g: 3 times a week (12 times a month) = $600
$8,800/($615+$600) = 7.2 months
So I would have broke even by the 7th month.
Seriously, this is all maximum bullshit. I can't believe when the teacher claim that he was too lazy to date and buying a bride was an easy way out - it's like saying that 'I want the sex part, but I don't want to waste time dating. So skip the dating and let's get married. Opps! Did I mentioned that the household is your arena too?'
Because I tell you, say if his bride refuse sex or cannot conceive - I bet with my balls that most of these man would likely to display the 'oh damn it! I paid for this and now there is no sex? No kids? Agent! I want a change of GOOD!!!!!!!!!'
*Flailing violent arms in the air and stamping feet*
It would be a cause for concern if these woman were abused. Better pray that I don't kanna one caseload like this, if not sure clash with my values.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Rest in Peace - Vernon & Kerin
It's devastating for anyone to experience the death of their love one only within 24 hours of being married.
Emotionally and psychologically wrecked, coupled with the lack of reason to explain the nature of her husband death makes this episode a truly poignant one. It would be suffering for anyone, even with the most positive of mind, to undergo such an experience.
RIP - my prayers will be with you.
http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_550093.html
问世间情是何物，直教生死相许。
天南地北双飞客，老翅几回寒暑。
欢乐趣，离别苦，就中更有痴儿女。
君应有语，渺万里层云,
千山暮雪，只影向谁去
Emotionally and psychologically wrecked, coupled with the lack of reason to explain the nature of her husband death makes this episode a truly poignant one. It would be suffering for anyone, even with the most positive of mind, to undergo such an experience.
RIP - my prayers will be with you.
http://www.straitstimes.com/BreakingNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_550093.html
问世间情是何物，直教生死相许。
天南地北双飞客，老翅几回寒暑。
欢乐趣，离别苦，就中更有痴儿女。
君应有语，渺万里层云,
千山暮雪，只影向谁去
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