Irenicus and Ellesime

"No Joneleth. You shall not."

"Who? Ellesime?"

"Yes, it is I, your Queen. Twice, now, you have attempted this sacrilege and nearly destroyed us all. You will not do this again, Joneleth"

"Do not call me that! I lost all right to that name when the Seldarine stripped me of everything that was elven, as you well know."

"And what shall I call you instead? 'Irenicus'? 'Shattered One'? Yes... it was a terrible punishment. But you violated everything we hold dear. You nearly destroyed us all! And for what? Power? Is that all that you exist for now, Jon?"

"It is all I have now, Ellesime. There is nothing else beyond my revenge. Revenge for what you did to me, what the Seldarine did to me!”

"And your revenge has poisoned your heart. The Tree touched you once, long ago. Do you remember nothing of it? Is there nothing in your heart that remembers love? Is there nothing within you that remembers our love? What we once shared before this obsession doomed you?”

"I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. The Seldarine took that from me, too. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me, along with all the others. Once my thirst for power was everything. And now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... WILL... HAVE IT!!”

“Then I pity you, would that you had used your stolen mortal years to earn your return to this sacred place. I could have loved you anew, as I loved the man you once were. But I see nothing of him here. You are Irenicus. And all that awaits you now is death.”

“We shall see, my former love. We shall see. You had your revenge, my once Queen, in leaving me alive, in taking away what made me the person I once was. And in taking your revenge, you enabled me to have mine. Even should I fall here and now, you will always remember that, I think. But should it pain you too much, then you know the cure. Perhaps in time, you will long to feel nothing.”

Aunt Agony 150609

Originally posted by Luvslegna:

I'm getting married, but...

I seem to have fallen for this guy...

what should i do?



You have your relationship (potentially a marriage) to consider, yet your heart has conjured another space to fill in another person into the picture.

This dark secret hidden in your psyche - you must decide if it's a push or pull factor that is causing your plight.

Often, people fail to see that their relationship has already been doomed long ago, resulted from malicious causes that have inflicted irrevocable damage. Just that the decision to leave their relationship wasn't effected, until the advert of a catalysis to change (in your situation, it might be the person you have fallen for).

Our monogamy society is such that a heart cannot house love for two separate individuals, just like 'a mountain cannot be home to two tigers'.

You got to decide what you need and stick with it.

Remaining in the best of both worlds (or status quo) will only promise you greater misery, hardship and karmic repercussion.

Cheers

Decision

I have never made such a necessary painful decision in life before. Never.

I finally experience the epitome of conflict between Mercury and Venus; of the mind and the heart.

Congrats Yun: you have gain a level of abstract understanding to incorporate into your extensive lore of love philosophy - at the cost of sleepless nights that drenched your face in salty wet, accumulated from droplets of unfettered tears tumbling down your misty eyes.

P.S: Just for this moment only: fuck philosophy.

I am so tired

Managed to pen down Greater Lost Syndrome in CloUdiSm - and I have found my backing in non-univocity of love with teleological reasoning through Aristotle concept (although he used it to explain soul and living being).

I kinda amuse myself with the thought that we had similar ideas even before I studied his stuff. If great mind thinks alike: whee! I am honoured. LOL!

Must work on CloUdiSm to catch up on all my pending sub-works.

P.S: I am exhausted. I need rest.

Cheers

Continued from AA 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.

All,

I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.

Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.



So what if I have capture your fear? But you have capture none of my meaning.

I will quote your words and share with you a story:

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

[Quote] Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.[/Quote]

***

There was once in a meeting - one marketing manager was arguing with the finance advocate.

"Hey look, I need the money to run my campaign"

"How can you expect me to give you the budget if you don't show me the result?"

The marketing manager got pissed. Ane he retorted:

"How do you expect any results if you don't approve my budget?"

And the argument continues with no conclusion from both end.

***

Chicken and egg issues.

There is no such thing as complete immunity - there's only firm decision in doing what you want to do and to stick with it vehemently. To decide that you will only move if you have full protection gear, immunity, vaccine jab against H1N1, defensive equipments, body guards and absolute clear weather - you will never be able to move at all.

If you don't learn to make decision, then be prepare to stay in for another seven years.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 280509

Originally posted by Pure03white:

Hi everyone, i would like to meet girls and guys experiences for post break up.. Many thanks to you if you reply sincerely. I would appreciate so much for your advises.. Or do you have any experiences pls share with me your views of my problems? Thank you so much!

My ex boyfriend is 21 and i'm 23. We dated for 9 months in the same poly and course but different classes. We recently Broke up this March. It's realllly soo painful and hurtful for me. I couldnt forget about him till now. i know many ppl said if he meant to be yours, he will come back, if he's not, he will not. I have to stay positive coz im someone who thinks too much.

Since 3 months had passed till now, my heart seem to heal and i don't get nightmare about him. I don't know if he still got gf or likes someone else. We Broke up coz lack of trust. i contact my previous ex and told him that i went to meet my ex. He was shocked and couldnt hold his feeling any longer. thus he want to let go of me. he gave me chances to continue with me at the starting of our relationship. But i think that was the first time he felt hard to accept that i met my ex without his permission and lead to break up. My previous ex and me has nothing to do with each other. he already had a gf and is getting married soon. I kept telling him that my ex and i really had nth to do with each other and just friends. He didnt believe me and dislike him alot. Though they never see each other before.

i really wish how to woo him back sincerely. i try liking other guys but it don't work on me everytime. I try to move on too but he is alway in the back of my mind. Pls help!

He contact me just awhile to ask how am i. Sigh.. i wish things will be better if i stop worrying too much. Anyone who had this experience before?



How do you try liking other guys when your spiritual debt with your ex hasn't completely been resolved internally? This is a clear distinctive example of a relationship that are killed by the the spark of two separate causes that pronouce death in a relationship, but not yet love. (CloUdiSm theory of soul and structure).

Meeting up with an ex lover is a tricky issue because it seriously depends on the kind of guy you are dating. For most guys, it's a competition-cum-ego problem that they are hit with, when their gf date her ex-beau behind their back. A combination of that sour feelings coupled with reckless attempt to break up would often fuel a problem of regrets in the future, especially after when they have cooled down and become to think rationally.

It's not about a problem of ethics or morals, much more than an issue with expectation. Your man probably had an expectation that his woman shouldn't meet up with her ex at all cost, while you probably had this ideal that it's still perfectly ok to remain friends with an ex love.

You probably felt certain degree of guilt and hence, resulting in this inability to move on.

Two separate beliefs - one fatal error (that wasn't communicated).

Personally, I do not advocate anyone returning to someone who had trashed you into the bin like a waste paper. Albeit he might have his reason/s to feel angry about this situation, but to abandon the relationship entirely shows a lot about his attitude towards his own love.

If one decides that pride is worth more than love, then he will learn how much opportunity cost he has sacrificed to salvage pride. Do not expect instant recovery about a break-up - allow yourself the natural pace of healing, moving along your own rhythm of life.

Cheers

Current Mood

Desperately.

Aunt Agony 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.

i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me.

Also,i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).

so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.

i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.

by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.

by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.

however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.

This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.

also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.




Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?

You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.

Why? I will break down the following:

(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce


(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.


(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.


(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.


(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.

An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:

i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)

ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)

iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).


(6) Your result is therefore status quo.

***

Your situation is worsen by two facts:

(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.

(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:

Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)

Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)

Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)

Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)

Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.

Scold > Submit (anything)

Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)

Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:

Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.

Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her
reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long
enough to initiate a change that you seek.

Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.

***

You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores.

Think about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 220509

Originally posted by Kimosabe:

It started in November when my bf asked me to help him check his email when I saw he emailed a transvestite saying "Hi Pretty...etc.etc.etc" and basically asked if she was available to "have fun" with him before he enlisted. I asked but he said he knew nothing of it...

Then recently, his brother showed me two chat logs with that same person...we were already together for 7 months...then I saw that he had started sexual talk and gave out his number and wanted an "experience" with her.

Judging from how he treats me which is well, I'm extremely confused now. On msn, from wat I know, even with remote assistance..you cannot have a conversation with your friend and a hacker supposedly using your account to talk to someone in your contact list at the same time. I'm really hoping I'm wrong. His comp has no firewall (I think). He claims he didn't do it...but logically its quite impossible.

Now I'm scared, but I can't cry or react because its sort of shocking, and also he might feel destroyed etc. and I know its impossible to be sincere and not hurtful. I can deal with this side fetish I suppose but its damn scary and I have no idea what to do right now. I'm trying to be positive and believe him that he won't do such a thing.

In the past he really did look like a girl, some say prettier than other girls. I know a few guys do look like that, my cousin has a bandmate that looks just like a girl even I got fooled. He's my second bf. The first hurt me very very very very badly, and it did take me a long while to trust someone else.

My bf has always showered me with love and respect, which explains why this could not be his doing, but I've called a few people in I.T, and they've confirmed that its impossible for the conversation to happen anywhere else but from his computer. He was at the same time also, when the conversation with her happened, talking to his best friend. Exactly the same time. His brother got worried and showed me those conversations. I'm not sure what to think though.

The vital stats, even what sort of boxers he wears, was all revealed and if he was pranking around he would never give out his number. He received gay jokes forever and even though he's now in ns it hasn't stopped. But his friends really don't mean anything. Now I'm scared as to who he really is.

Someone help me.


The dichotomy of gender only applies to our biological construct - in fact, our sexual orientation and our sexual preference (being our software) can be very much different from our biological gender. Gender is not merely man or woman - in fact, it's across a range of spectrum because no man are 100% masculine - same goes for females and femininity.

Having established that: for those who lies within the grey areas (bisexual), their inner struggles often coerced them to formulate some kind of confirmation to decide if they are indeed gay. And one common methodology is to date the opposite gender, so as to see if there are attraction (both sexual and emotional) to validate this inconsistency between they should be feeling and what they are really feeling.

It is also equally possible for him to date someone of the opposite gender, serving as a shield towards his real identity - part of his defense mechanism - while having the certainity that he isn't straight already.

Deonotological perspective might suggest that he's blatantly cheating on you - regardless of who the online fellow is. However, that ultimately (I reckoned) would only leave you with the choice of leaving him.

I suggest you have a HTHT (heart-to-heart-talk) with him - but do not begin your focal point from questioning about the possibility of his gender crisis, for that would render you the same level as those teasing he received from his army mates. Use the standpoint of honesty/truthfulness and the desire to know your other half better.

Learn to understand first. I think there are many things about him that you don't really know. Seek them.

Cheers

Another Year Granted!

Went to review my medical status today - Doctor claims that everything is fine.

I have another year to live!

I have proclaim my life to be a yearly-granted affair; for if there are any unfortunate news and that's probably the end of me.

Every granted year is a gift.

I live every year literally.

Waste not want not.

Business as Usual

Exams over - end of term 3.

And I am going back to my Aunt Agony's calling once again. Due to my own personal crisis, I have kinda neglected my online duties.

Well, it was a good rest, somehow.

I want to start my reading religiously, as well as to work on Project CloUdiSm.

At the rate I am going, I will not be able to finish before I hit 30.

11 Days - 1 Days

There are times where choices of words are limited and ironically superfluous.

I could only paint so much of these ten days with words, in which I could bring myself to type. Perhaps our train of thoughts could only move an inch when our realm of emotions had already travelled a mile away.

It's 3 more days.

However, I am at peace.

12 Days

It's time to wake up.

13 Days

The inaugural experience of walking you back home was the time when we were still dating. I recalled we were at bugis and you said it was walkable distance to your house.

Yeah right - everywhere in Singapore is walkable. Actually.

But that night, it wasn't just about walking - we were building a relationship.

Still in construction. No... not just yet.

And even when we are together, it has always been in construction - making things bigger, better and bolder.

Unfortunately, it's so much easier to destroy than to create from scratch.

Standing placidly at where I was, I witnessed with first-hand experience on how blocks, bricks, sand, mortar and all pillars of the relationship tumble and crumble simply from changes. I seen the goblin diggers, gleefully chipping right at the very heart and foundation of the relationship, causing instability and hoping it will collapse as a result.

Even if everything comes to total destruction and leveled to the ground, I will proclaim victory over my adversary. Even if you ruin my relationship, you will never break my spirit.

I will not only survive this ordeal, but the circumstances will ironically prove that this is the best outcome.

I will triumph.

14 Days

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies,
breath and wings.
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.

That which we call our secret thoughts
Speeds forth to earth's most remote spot
Leaving its blessing or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes

We build our future, thought by thought
For good or ill, yet know it not
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

15 Days

I wondered why do we harbor for memories that no longer belong to us?

And even if we still possess it,

Looking through the same lens,

That’s probably not what we originally seek.

It’s no longer identical.

I cannot always live in a world of abstract convulsion.

I abhor being human.

When can I return back to my vampiric stupor?

16 Days

~*~Gwenda™~*~ says:u r the almost perfect man ma

***

I remembered what bf once said to me.

Oh well, good is indeed relative and others always seemed to appreciate you better.

Really hate to feel like trash.

17 Days

我搞不懂我们到底怎么了?

诚实的背后是否住着伤口?

我想不透我们的爱怎么了?

雨下过以后是否能让什么复活?

18 Days

I typed this while I was on the bus.

Because I want to document certain thoughts before it flee away from me.

And with every bus stop, I paused and looked at my surrounding.

My fingers roamed the keyboard and punched in letters that came into my mind, without having to glance at what I was typing.

But surely, there’s no way I could just go on typing without looking at the screen. My eyeballs peeked downwards whenever I could, just to ensure that I wasn’t typing rubbish.

Would there ever be a cause so critical that we can forgo rest and continue indefinitely?

Would there ever be a bus stop without destination, so that we just enjoy the ride without having to get down?

What would ever happen… in reality?

Perhaps, it’s only natural that we alight at where we need to stop because we have new places to explore and new goals to reach.

And it's this solemn knowledge that changes must take occur and hence, outcome will naturally be different.

So much for freewill.

19 Days

We got into car accident on Sunday.

Fortunately, all was safe and nobody had serious injury.

Then a thought sink into my mind; what if… just what if I was dead on Sunday? Killed in a car accident in front of Istana, splashed all over the papers?

In that funeral of mine, as my soul floats in timeless space, what would I see?

And if I am able to read thoughts and emotions in the most mystical of ways, what would I be able to see in your heart?

A moment of depression? Or a lifetime of regret?

It’s the skewed assumption that life will always be continuous and our thoughts absolutely have no room for any unaccounted disruption. Perhaps, that’s the reason why we often take things for granted unknowingly.

Because specifically, there isn’t a need to go that extra mile.

We just assume that people will always be there because they have always been there.

Not always.

Really.

Not necessary.