17 Types of Singaporean Couple

Showcasing 17 different types of Singaporean couple. Heh! 

When it comes to 'The foodies', I totally ROFLMAO! Seriously wtf! 

Aunt Agony 010413

Originally posted by Wtongzl78

My Wife's best friend is a man. He was my ex-colleague and my wife's best friends since secondary school. He's not married. While me and my wife have 2 kids.

As best friends, they see each other and hang out together a lot, like everyday.He sends her to work and sends her home from work everyday as their offices are in the same building. So they also have lunch and dinner together every weekday. They also go out during weekends to pubs and cafes. This has been like this for many years, even before we got married.

She said that they are just best friends and their relationship is platonic and they are not lovers. But many times i have questions and some doubt..

Is it possible for a married woman to have a male best friend like that. 




Your statement is a value statement; technically you are asking if it is possible for women to have platonic male friends - adding a 'married' presume that somehow you do not feel 'right' for married woman to have close guy friend/s. Unless you have unearthed some critical information to suspect that they are potentially having an affair, if not, it's likely to be issues relating to self-esteem and/or trust rather than issues of infidelity.  

As much as you are thinking if their relationship is 'more than meets the eye', honestly: if they are sharing such close relationship since secondary school days, then why did she choose you instead? (unless you are saying that you knew her earlier).

I am not in the school of 'preventing anticipated infidelity', which usually bring about an overall negative output; learn to work towards developing the relationship in such a way that it has a natural mechanism to ward off infidelity. For example, if her best friend is having lunch and dinner everyday, my question would be then why are you not at least having dinner with her? Perhaps you might have some concrete, practical reason why this cannot be done, but at the end of the day, it is still a choice made - regardless of reasoning.

I do not view it as a warning alarm since this is a routine that has already been established way before you are married to her, so I would see it as manageable risk. However, I would think that it is a good time to reflect on the state of your relationship: if you are not putting conscious effort to spend quality time together (not just as a family, but also to look into having couple time), then this might be something you could think and work something out reasonably.

Cheers

Truth of Marital Counselling

A relationship does not change simply because of a 'marital title. Not very much, especially when the relationship has been running for quite a while.

The entire system of managing the relationship is so deeply entrenched that tweaking parts of it would instantly hurl the couple into their discomfort zone. But yet, some necessary fundamental changes that wasn't adequately learned during courtship will find its way and boomerang for additional 'tutorial' lessons.

Just like our incumbent party has serious problems in trying to reinvent itself; a deeply entrenched relationship-now-marriage will, likewise, finds it hard to do. Evolution is a slow process and the odds of a successful outcome depends largely on the amount of petrol left in the car to push through the winter, so as to catch glimpse of what spring would look like.

Does your marriage feel like this? So for today's post, I will shed some understanding on marital counselling:

(1) If you figure out that you are in need of serious repair in your marriage, it is always better to seek some professional help way before so that repair work could be done in a meaningful way. No doctors are likely able to save you if you wait for cancer to complicates till stage IV, which is likely to be fatal. If that happens, then it brings me to the next point...

(2) Marital Counselling is NOT a miracle
If you don't have the power to resurrect the dead, neither would marital counselling able to revive a dead relationship. Dead is define as the lost of will and commitment to work on the relationship, despite subsequent processing.

(3) If you are hoping that your counsellor will do all the work for you, then you are likely to be in for a shock. Common roles of a counsellor are often (i) to facilitate negotiation, (ii) impart effective communication skills to express needs, (iii) manage conflict and (iv) to prepare the couple for life without the need of the counsellor to perform i, ii, iii.

Cheers

Romantic or Economic?

Straits Times wrote an article about undergraduates not putting love as their priority in life - not particularly surprising though since. You can read it here

FACEBOOK "confession" pages, which allow users to share secrets anonymously, may have helped lovelorn students express their romantic intentions to their objects of affection, but the majority of undergraduates do not want to date, a survey has found.

Some 400 undergraduates aged between 19 and 25 from the National University of Singapore (NUS), Nanyang Technological University (NTU), Singapore Management University and SIM University were asked what was most important to them.

And romance was not anywhere on top of their minds.

The survey found that six in 10 respondents are not in a relationship. Of these, seven in 10 have no plans to actively pursue one.

Aunt Agony 050313

Originally posted by BleezeB:

ok long story...few years back..i posted a post about the girl who i like but she only treat me as friend..then got another girl like me but is way younger..we ended together for about 1year but we finish the relation peacefully.

Girl A: girl i like since sec 2 (8years ago) (22yrs old)

Girl B: girl i am with for 1 year (18 yrs old)

Boy A: my friend since sec 2 (22yrs old)

Ever since sec 2 i like girl A and confess once dueing that year but she told me it too sudden and did not say anything else.

We remain friend and at Poly year 3 i confess again and again she did not say anything. I lied that i was drunk that why i send her that kind of sms. Then she said nvm at least i am truthful to myself. Somemore she tell me before to finish NS and study uni first.

Girl B then tell me she like me around that time. So before i enlisted i accepted her and was very happy with her. Every book out go pei her and go out and etc.

But after 1 year we suddenly realize we got no time to talk and go out due to her studies and my NS. So we said give other a break for a while.

Then Girl A suddenly sms me once know i broke up and tell me to cheer out. Ask me out and etc. I regain my hope for her and started to chase her again.

Then about 5mths ago friends tell me Girl A like Boy A. I was shocked and thought they joking. End up i begin to observe and rwalize that they are really very close compare to last time.

Yesterday visited Girl A house and realize the famoly and relative know Boy A. I felt as though like a knife pock into my heart.

I really dont know what to do. If you got read till here please give me direction.

Girl A dont look pretty or sexy but somehow i just like her a lot even now.

Girl B is cute looking and young and innocent. We still got hope to tgt.

I dont know what to do now. Every month my sec schl clique meet up. If Girl A and Boy A tgt then how i am to face them.

There is often a someone 'we couldn't have' and this entity gradually transform into a question mark in our emotional mind. We could toy with possible imaginations, but I am not sure where it would land you.  

What's pretty certain is that if she hasn't put you onto the consideration list, then it is unlikely that your position would drastically change unless her perception of you alters. Largely because of that fact that the essence of our looks, personality and behaviour towards people are usually quite consistent - which are precisely the reasons why we are on or off the chart.  

Surely it must be a challenge facing the lady you fancy in the same clique of friends; however, this is just one aspect of your challenge. The real challenge lies in facing a very real possibility of waking up to a reality that this is someone that you might never actually have. The fantasy stage of affection can be rather addictive because everything appears surreal and perfect - you might actually imagine her contacting you because she wants to 'give you a chance', but it is more likely to be one-sided on your end.

And in this fantasy world - we tends to minimize hard facts which are suggestive of points that are contrary to your form of idealism.

***

Putting two women on the equation from your post only seem to suggest to me that you perceived that A is a possible choice. What I mean is that it is possible to like someone/something, while having the awareness that possession is a different concept. For example, I could love Ferrari, but purchasing one is way out of my financial ability. Harboring the thought about having someone impossible is fantasy; the frustration and pain we experience is likely due to the fact that we desperately want something we cannot get, while maintaining the idea that it is within reach. 

Love often gets buried itself under layers of other feelings; more often than not, insecurity being the thickest lot. Using similar analogy, if my friend bought a Ferrari and I get upset over it - perhaps the wisdom lies not in avoiding my friend, but what can I do with myself so that I can also afford one in the future. 

Perhaps not the same model, but one that I can truly learn to appreciate and love in reality - not just a piece of fantasy dream. 

Cheers  

Back from short break!

Sorry folks! Have been rather busy (as usual) and couldn't find the time to blog.

Just to share a dance performance - a happier aspect of love. :)

3 Things I Wish I knew Before We Got Married

I used to think I had my stuff together. Then I got married.

Marriage is great—but it rocked everything I knew. I quickly realized my basic goal in life, prior to getting married, was to simply remain undisturbed.

This “disruption” came suddenly and was disguised as a 5-foot-nothing Swedish-Filipino woman. When I decided I’d rather not live without her, I proceeded to ask her to marry me—that is, to officially invite someone who wasn’t me to be in my personal space for the rest of my life.

This decision introduced my most significant experiences and most challenging experiences—none of which I would trade for the world.

However, I wish I’d had a bit more insight on the front end of our marriage to help me navigate it all.

According to most research, more than 50 percent of people who say “I do” will not be sleeping in the same bed eight years from now. And though Scripture is clear that adultery and abuse are reasons individuals might end a marriage, I’d be willing to bet that most challenges experienced in marriage are the result of unawareness. Most people—myself included—jump into marriage with suitcases full of misconceptions and bad theology, entirely unaware of the unique beauty and paradoxical intentions of marriage.

ALTHOUGH HAPPINESS IS OFTEN A VERY REAL BYPRODUCT OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, MARRIAGE HAS A FAR MORE SIGNIFICANT PURPOSE IN SIGHT.

The following are three thoughts on marriage that friends and mentors have shared with me. I remind myself of them often in hopes of keeping this anomaly called marriage both enjoyable and healthy.

1. Marriage is not about living happily ever after.
Here’s the truth: I get annoyed at my wife. But this is more a reflection of me than her.

I’m intensely certain that nothing in life has ever made me more angry, frustrated or annoyed than my wife. Inevitably, just when I think I’ve given all I can possibly give, she somehow finds a way to ask for more.

The worst part of it all is that her demands aren’t unreasonable. One day she expects me to stay emotionally engaged. The next, she's looking for me to validate the way that she feels. The list goes on—but never ventures far from things she perfectly well deserves as a wife.

Unfortunately for her, deserving or not, her needs often compete with my self-focus. I know it shouldn’t be this way, but I am selfish and stubborn and, overall, human.

I once read a book that alluded to the idea that marriage is the fire of life—that somehow it’s designed to refine all our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness. In this light, contrary to popular opinion, the goal of marriage is not happiness. And although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage has a far more significant purpose in sight. It is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow.

When we’re willing to see it this way, then the points of friction in our marriages quickly become gifts that consistently invite us into a more whole and fulfilling experience of life.

2. The more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Over the past year, a few friends and I have had an open conversation about the highs and lows of marriage—specifically how to make the most of the high times and avoid the low ones. Along the way, we happened upon a derailing hypothesis that goes something like this: If one makes their husband or wife priority number one, all other areas of life benefit.

WHEN WE RETURN MARRIAGE TO ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE IN OUR PRIORITIES, IT CAN QUICKLY TURN INTO THE GREATEST ASSET TO EVERY OTHER LAYER OF OUR LIVES.

It’s a disorienting claim. Disorienting, because it protests my deeper persuasion that success as an entrepreneur, or any professional, requires that career takes the throne of my priorities and remain there for, at the very least, a couple of years.
However, seeing that my recent pattern of caring about work over marriage had produced little more than paying bills and a miserable wife, I figured giving the philosophy a test drive couldn’t hurt.

For 31 days, I intentionally put my wife first over everything else, and then I tracked how it worked. I created a metric for these purposes, to mark our relationship as priority, and then my effectiveness in all other areas of my life on the same scale, including career productivity and general quality of life.

To my surprise, a month later, I had a chart of data and a handful of ironic experiences to prove that the more you give to marriage, the more it gives back.

Notably, on the days my wife genuinely felt valued, I observed her advocating for me to invest deeply in to my work. She no longer saw our relationship and my career pursuits as competitors for my attention, and as she partnered with me in my career, I have experienced the benefits of having the closest person in my life champion me.

Of course, marriage requires sacrifice. And sometimes it will feel as if it takes and takes. However, when we return marriage to its rightful place in our priorities, it can quickly turn from something we have to maintain and sacrifice for into the greatest asset to every other layer of our lives.

3. Marriage can change the world.

John Medina, the author of Brain Rules and a secular biologist, is often approached by men looking for the silver bullet of fathering. In one way or another, they all come around to asking, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father?”

Medina's answer alludes to a surprising truth.

In my previously mentioned experiment, I measured the effect that making my marriage priority number one had on different areas of my life. One of those areas was my 16-month-old son’s behavior.

What I found in simply charting my observations was that the majority of the time, my child’s behavior was directly affected by the level of intention I invested in my marriage.

Re-enter John Medina, the secular biologist. After years of biological research and several books on parenting conclusions, what is his answer to the question, “What’s the most important thing I can do as a father”?

“Go home and love your wife.”

Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, the authors of Babywise, say it this way: “A healthy marriage creates an infused stability within the family and a haven of security for a child in their development process.” They go on to sum up their years of research by saying, “In the end, great marriages produce great parents.”

The point is that marriage has a higher goal than to make two people happy or even whole. Yes, the investment we make into our marriage pays dividends for us. But, concluded by Medina and his colleagues, the same investment also has significant implications for our family, our community and eventually our culture.

So men, women, the next time you find yourself dreaming about living significantly or succeeding in your career or being a better parent than yours were to you, do the world a favor: Go home and love your wife. Go home and and love your husband.

***

You can access the actual article here 

Checklist Syndrome

ST last sat ran a report on Singaporeans and marriages. Boy, nothing written in the article surprise me. You can read more. I will paste a copy of the article below:

***

The Checklist Syndrome

by Jessica Lim

A "checklist" syndrome is the biggest stumbling block when it comes to Singaporeans finding spouses, said dating experts.

This list of expectations applies not just for potential mates but also for themselves in, say, career.

Commenting on a survey's findings released earlier this week that found that singles yearned to tie the knot one day, but had not found their ideal partner, or wanted to focus on their career first, several dating experts The Straits Times spoke to blamed one thing: the checklist.

Owner of dating agency Clique Wise, Mr Jackiey Kwek, who has spoken to about 10,000 single Singaporeans since it opened six years ago, said: "They've hit a certain point in their career. They have a high-paying job, a big house, a nice car. They now want a soulmate who can fit into their lifestyle."

The 38-year-old has had clients with PhDs who insist on dating only PhD holders. Some give him a list of professions they want their prospective date to be in. Pilot, doctor, lawyer and banker come up tops in this list.

Dating agencies said women typically want a spouse who earns more, is taller and older, at least as educated, exudes confidence and has reached a certain rank within a company.

"I tell my lady clients, happiness doesn't always come at 1.75m," said Ms Violet Lim, founder of Lunch Actually, chuckling.

Men, on the other hand, typically hope to clinch a date with someone who is pleasant-looking, slim and family-oriented. Some also ask to date women lower on the career ladder than they are.

Associate professor of sociology at the National University of Singapore Paulin Tay Straughan, who teaches a module for freshmen called "The Social Construction of Romantic Love", thinks the checklists for women have become longer - the result of educated women wanting men who can add value to their lives.

"They want what is portrayed as the ideal match. Look at how love is portrayed on TV. There is hardly ever a show where a hero is shorter than a heroine," she said. "We are a slave to societal norms."

"The minute you have a relationship where friends think your partner is not good-looking, or parents think he is not good enough, doubts are seeded," she said. "Everyone is chasing a fairy tale."

Her advice is for singles to just go out with different people and not hold out for that ideal partner.

She said: "As long as you date and expand your social circle, in time, you will come to know what you really want and not what society says you should want."

However, expanding one's social circle may not be easy.

The owners of Lunch Actually, Clique Wise and other dating agencies like Affinity Again said most of their clients meet fewer than 10 new people a year.

The owner of Affinity Again, Ms Betty Goh, said: "They say they are working. After work, they go home and rest. When they do go out, it's with friends they already know."

Ms Susan Low, 28, a graduate in economics and finance from RMIT University in Australia, has been single for the past decade.

The bank manager admits that she does not meet many new people socially. She has gone on several dates set up by friends but these did not lead to anything.

Her checklist? An older man with at least a university degree and who is not overly religious. She is not particular about the job he holds.

Recounting a recent incident when she chatted someone up at a party and got monosyllabic replies, she said: "In Singapore... men don't strike up conversations that frequently. It's not easy."

So what are the solutions?

Ms Lim called it a "numbers game". "Out of 10 new people you meet, there may be mutual attraction with maybe four, and maybe in the end, one will work out.

"Go for singles events. Widen the number of people you meet. Be proactive."

Mr Kwek of Clique Wise suggests changes in three areas - at home, school and work. Schools can have more co-ed activities, he said, adding that employers can help staff mingle via, say, wine- tasting activities.

"Parents should also encourage relationships at school. Stop saying that studies come first."

Schools said they leave students alone when it comes to relationships. The senior director for marketing and communications at Singapore University of Technology and Design, Ms Corinna Choong, said its student population has a good mix of boys and girls. "The students mingle on their own and pair up by themselves. The school doesn't interfere in this aspect," she added.

***

Many single people brandish unrealistic wants; but it's no fault of theirs because it is how 'concept' are being taught to us in school - "Aim higher, study hard and you will achieve great results."

Somehow this mantra doesn't really work as effective in relationship as compared to studies. 

The paradox of love is that aiming higher or dreaming of perfection does not always lead to satisfactory results. Also, hardworking folks labouring in love does not always lead to satisfactory result. One does not simply win in love by sheer hard work - it takes some level of wisdom and understanding to put all that effort to conjure the most amazing magical effect. 

Many guys reckon that if one is rich, he can get any woman he wants. Not necessarily true. Below is the proposal of Flamboyant billionaire Jho Low surprise engagement proposal for Elva Hsiao. The proposal is rumoured to cost of £1m (RM4.9 million). 

Details is as follows:

(1) The event took place on a private beach at pricey hotel resort Atlantis, The Palm – the most famous hotel on the island of Palm Jumeirah, off Dubai.

(2) Couple arriving in a black Rolls-Royce and strolling to the beach, where candles are laid out in a gigantic Valentine heart.

(3) The couple, holding each other, then proceed to dine on an luxurious set – claimed to be the work of Dubai’s architectural and interior design firm Ali Bakhtiar Designs – as a laser show outlines the couple’s silhouette.

(4) The couple enjoy their meal while being serenaded by a harpist and a violinist. It is no ordinary violin either, for it is studded with what appears to be precious stones.

(5) Breaking the romantic tone, several parachutists descend from the sky and land on the beach to present Hsiao with jewellery made by Swiss luxury brand Chopard.

However, the outrageous extravagance was reportedly not enough to move Hsiao’s heart. Apple Daily says it understands that Hsiao (right), 33, rejected the proposal and only saw Low, 31, as a “little brother”. The newspaper also reported that a spokesperson had denied claims that Low had proposed to Hsiao at the event, stressing that it was just a “romantic dinner”.

Penang-born Low, who is reportedly part of Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak’s inner circle, is best known for his attempts to woo American socialite Paris Hilton and hard partying habits with his A-list friends in the United States.

Low, whose real name is Low Taek Jho, is the son of a Penang tycoon who reportedly has close links with Middle Eastern investors.

Locally, he is reportedly involved with the Terengganu Investment Authority (TIA) – now known as the 1Malaysia Development Bhd (1MDB) – and UBG Bhd, which is owned by the family of Sarawak Chief Minister Abdul Taib Mahmud.

Perfect proposal? Still futile in the end. 

Runaway brides in Singapore

An interesting insight interview with regards to runaway brides in Singapore. You can access part one of the article here and part two here 

The situation in Singapore is such that rational couple tends to secure a flat first before proposing; almost like putting the cart before the horse as couples would have to wait for two and a half years to four years for a flat. Imagine getting married and having no place of your own to stay unless you contemplate on renting in open market. Hence, most couple ended up staying with their in-laws until their house is ready for them to move in.

Nothing wrong with that actually (other than possible horror in-laws stories); just that it is kind of hard to 'rationalize' an emotional decision because not everyone holds the philosophy of pragmatism. Kiasu (afraid-of-losing-out) Singaporeans are deeply influenced and amazingly shaped by our rigid educational system of desiring a perfect pathway in life. Somehow, people have this great fear of 'wasting' time- taking some reasonable amount of time to stop and reflect is wastage, hence the option is always to move forward.

So when the hit happens, the crash is often painful beyond description, rippling across all ecological systems in the couple's life.

Sometimes, there are no solutions in relationship; it's all about managing. To cling on solutions when there is none is basically asking for ambrosia for breakfast - disappointment and disillusion will follow next.

Attachment Theory & Relationship

I came across an article on daily mail, relating Attachment Theory to relationship. Ah yes! social work class again; however to readers outside the profession (counsellor/SW/etc), this is indeed a good read. You can assess the actual news here. But I will just repost the content for easy read.

***

How much love do YOU need? Knowing your ‘attachment type’ could be the key to making relationships last

By DR AMIR LEVINE and RACHEL HELLER

Ever wondered why you become clingy as soon as you have a partner? Or why you’re unable to stick in a relationship for long? New research has found that the way we act in relationships is pre-determined by which ‘attachment type’ we are.

By identifying whether you are an ‘avoider’, ‘anxious’ or ‘secure’, you can find your perfect match and transform your relationships.

Everyone - whether they have just started dating or have been married for 40 years - falls into one of these categories. By understanding which one you are, you can view your own behaviour and the actions of people around you in a new light.

If you’re single and looking for love, this knowledge can help you find the right match; or, if you’re already in a relationship, it can help you understand why you think and act as you do. In either case, you’ll start to experience change - for the better.’

Perfect match: Identifying whether you are an 'avoider', 'anxious' or 'secure', will enable you to transform your relationships

The science of attachment is based on the fact that we are all biologically programmed to find love. Although we live in a culture that tells us independence is good, nothing could be further than the truth. People in good relationships have been found to live longer, healthier lives.

The need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism, called the ‘attachment system’, that consists of emotions and behaviours that ensure we stay close to our loved ones.
This system explains why a child parted from his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly or cries uncontrollably until he or she re-establishes contact with her. It also explains the way we behave in our adult relationships.

But while we all have this need for attachment, the way we show it differs.

In the Sixties, tests found that babies were either ‘secure’, ‘anxious’ or ‘avoidant’. If a secure baby’s mother left the room he would start crying, but as soon as she returned he calmed down and started to play again.
The anxious baby was distressed, but when the mother came back, he pushed her away and burst into tears. Finally, the avoidant baby acted as if nothing had happened when the mother left and returned to the room. But tests showed that his heart rate and levels of the stress-hormone, cortisol, rose.

Research has now shown that adults behave in a startlingly similar way to babies when it comes to romantic relationships. What type we are (which depends on our upbringing and adult experiences) determines how you react in romantic situations.

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and keep their distance.
By using attachment theory both your own behaviour and that of others no longer seems baffling and complex, but rather predictable... So, which attachment style are you?


ANXIOUS 
You have the capacity for great intimacy. But you often fear that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like. Relationships tend to consume a lot of your emotional energy. You are sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s mood and you take your partner’s behaviour overly personally.

You worry if you don’t hear from your partner regularly. When you feel like your partner is getting distant, you tend to express your anxiety by doing the following:

Calling, texting or e-mailing while waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in the hope of running into him;
When they return calls, or come home, you punish them by ignoring them, rolling your eyes when they speak or leaving the room;
Threatening to leave in the hope he’ll make you stay;
Making your partner feel jealous by telling them about other men.
This is a sign of an overly-sensitive attachment system. Even a hint that something is wrong upsets you so much that you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that the relationship is safe.


AVOIDANT
It is important for you to maintain your independence and you often prefer autonomy to intimacy. While you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partner and they often complain that you are distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for signs of control or impingement by your partner.

Whether you are single or in a relationship, you are always keeping people at a distance by using various ‘deactivating strategies’. These include:

Saying ‘I’m not ready to commit’- but staying together, sometimes for years;
Focusing on imperfections in your partner: the way he talks, dresses etc;
Pining after an ex or waiting for The One;
Flirting with others to introduce insecurity into the relationship;
Not saying ‘I love you’- while implying you do have feelings for them;
Pulling away when it’s going well (eg not calling after an intimate date);
Forming impossible relationships, such as with a married man;
Avoiding physical closeness - for example, not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
If you’re avoidant, you use these  strategies to make sure the person you love won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But, at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.


SECURE
Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in your stride, effectively communicate your feelings and are good at reading your partner’s emotional cues. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him in times of need. You are:

A great conflict buster - during a fight you don’t act defensively or punish your partner and are quick to forgive;
Mentally flexible - being willing to change and respond to your partner’s needs;
You express your feelings openly and don’t play games;
You are comfortable with intimacy and sex.
We can all learn from your approach, but that doesn’t mean all your relationships are perfect.
You can find yourself in a bad relationship because you are more likely to forgive long-term bad behaviour and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.


WHAT IS YOUR PARTNER'S STYLE? 
Understanding attachment theory will change the way you perceive new people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into an existing partner. You’ll no longer ask yourself: ‘Why is he always pushing me away?’ Instead you’ll say: ‘It really isn’t about me at all - he just doesn’t feel comfortable with too much closeness.’ Similarly, you’ll be less likely to invest time and energy in someone who is wrong for you. Does he send mixed signals? Does he say things like ‘when we move in together’ and then act as though you have no future? If so, he’s an avoider. People usually reveal everything about themselves early on - you just need to keep your eyes open.

Here are the signals to look out for...

ANXIOUS: Wants a lot of closeness; expresses insecurities - worries about rejection; unhappy when not in a relationship; plays games to keep your attention/interest. He also has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him. Expects you to guess; he is suspicious that you are being unfaithful.

AVOIDANT: Sends mixed signals in the relationship; values his/her independence greatly; devalues you (or previous partners) and uses distancing strategies - emotional or physical. He is also mistrustful and fears being taken advantage of by a partner; he doesn’t make his intentions clear and has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you.

SECURE: Reliable and consistent; makes decisions with you; flexible view of relationships; communicates relationship issues well. He can also reach compromise during arguments; is not afraid of commitment or dependency and doesn’t play games.


HOW CAN YOU IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
By understanding your own attachment style you are now better able to understand what kind of person can make you happy.

Do not apologise for these needs. Contrary to popular dating books, there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve, saying: ‘I need someone who’s there for me and who I can I rely on.’ The response will speak volumes about your potential partner’s ability to address your needs now and in the future.

If you’re an anxious or avoidant person there are certain things you should and should not do. If you’re in a relationship, stop flying off the handle - take time to assess the possible reasons why someone might not be calling back or is late coming home.

Research shows that avoiders and anxious people are often attracted to each other, but they exacerbate the traits of the other and get into an endless cycle of the anxious person trying to get closer while the avoider pulls away.

That’s not to say they can’t be happy, but they both need to work at it. As a general rule, both anxious and avoiders work well with a secure person. If you’re anxious you might find secure people boring at first, because they don’t provide the exciting highs and lows, but stick around and you might realise you’ve stumbled across a relationship gold mine.

If you’re an avoider, you need to practise relying on people, giving them a chance instead of finding fault and pulling away. Stop idealising past partners or waiting for The One. Allow yourself to get close.
By being there for your partner, they won’t be so needy and you’ll get more independence. And while we can all learn a lot from the secure person, that doesn’t mean their relationships are without problems. Sometimes they can be too forgiving of anxious or avoidant behaviour.

However, most of the time secure people can have a magical effect on others because they do what all avoiders and anxious people want: they meet their needs, providing love and security while letting their partner go off to thrive in the world.

Separation

Nobody likes separation; especially towards friendship or relationship you truly treasure deep inside. It is probably one of the hardest thing in life to come in terms with and process constructive meaning out of the loss. Sometimes, it's about the fear of losing this strong attachment which you have identified with so strongly - it became an unconscious poison.

We only have two choices when we face separation; to face it with gaiety or to deal with it with gloom. Either way, the outcome remained the same.

I must concede to the fact that the moment of loss is inevitable; the pain of having something so close to your heart symbolically vanishing is deep anguish. Surely not that people are gone forever, but the symbolic representation of things have altered.

"Everything flows and nothing abides, everything gives way and nothing stays fixed." - Heraclitus

Tendency of Negotiation of Korean Couples

Recently, I attended 3rd CIFA conference as I have to do an oral presentation on the research I have done on behalf for my agency. I had the privilege to sit through a sharing on how couples negotiate their differences across five different countries (Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan, Korea and China - Shanghai). I took one snap shot of this slide when the Korean researcher was sharing.

Not sure if you people can see anything; basically it shares some insights about Korean couples in generally.

Anyone shares similar method of conflicts resolution in your own relationship? :)

Cheers

Aunt Agony II 031212

Originally posted by becalm:

It feels crazy as it sounds but it's what happening to me now. Thanks in advance for hearing me out.

Let's call my ex bf Dan and Jim, for this guy I've been thinking to go out with.

So after I broke up with Dan few years ago, I didn't let anyone else to enter my heart, until I met Jim.

I used to be deeply in love with Dan. He was everything I could ever wish for in a man. I was an introverted girl while Dan was the opposite but we matched each other almost perfectly probably because we loved each oher to every single bits. We never had enough of each other. But well we never know what are ahead of us. We couldn't be with each other in the end for some reasons.

I moved on having quite a good life despite the emptiness Dan left in my heart. Sometimes I still found myself thinking about him but just random thoughts with no extreme feelings. Then things have changed since the day Jim came into my life. I used to think I'd never truly fall for someone else again but Jim has changed both my heart and mind. Jim feels the same about me and wants us to go out. I should be feeling happy but instead, I'm reluctant to go on dates with him. I know it's not right but I started thinking a lot about Dan since I realized my heart already opened to Jim. I like Jim, really do but sometimes I think about Dan even more, especially after this incident with Jim that used to similarly happen between me and Dan. When it happened, Dan made me trust and love him more while Jim kind of made me disappointed due to his lack of thoughtfulness and maturity.

I'm quite confused now. On one hand, it feels so strong that I like Jim a lot and want to be with him. On the other hand, I want to hold myself back because I still think about Dan. I'm a devoted person, I don't want to think about Dan or any other guys when seeing Jim.

I wanted to be honest and let Jim know what has been bugging me and ask him to give me more time but I don't know how to go about it to not hurt his feeling.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.



Surely our mind produces whatever images we feed it; many a times, unconsciously.

You labeled yourself as devoted; however, there are two sides to a coin dualistically speaking. Devotion in this case is also a resistant towards a possible future. I can't tell how this future would be for you, but to you, having to adopt this picture would somewhat suggest that you would need to give up a once-important picture of the past. This is a trade-off you have refuse to relent thus far.

An opportunity cost my friend; the same dollar can't buy you two loaf of bread. You somehow figured that you can't keep two pictures of the same category in your world of relationship. However, reality is pushing you into making a choice - either which would produce painful perception of lost and uncertain future.

Until you have a committed decision to walk forward, you will always walk while looking backwards. The strain in your neck is basically the misery you are experiencing – nobody has the power to retain our emotional spirit in the past other than ourselves. You could tell Jim that you need time to work some things out yourself; if he is an enlightened male, then you would probably have some time. However, do not use time as an excuse to slip into escapism. You will face the same conundrum somewhere down your future again - with added misery.

P.S: Regardless of options, there is no way you cannot 'don't hurt him' - especially since he has fallen for you. In some degree of truth, you are only responsible for what you say to him and not responsible for what he understands.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 031212

Originally posted by Earthcosmic2:

What if your spouse has an opp. gender good friend whom they call each other ‘darling’?

Platonic friendship is very common nowadays. However, will you get too close to the opp. gender without falling in love with him/her?

My spouse has a good female platonic friend and they call each other ‘darling’, in fact she also call another gf of her ‘darling’ so in a way nothing weird.

But isn’t it weird if my spouse whatsapp with her:

she: darling, you sound bored.

my spouse : darling, bla bla…

Should this be something I need to be concern over?

I mean, for awhile, I can say I trust them but what about in the long run, are they going to darling here and darling there forever?




It does not seem uncommon for one to address someone else affectionately, especially if their friendship is good. However, your post appears to me as a two-part question:

(1) Is my husband at risk of cheating?

Usually a cheating partner would progressively leak out a collective bunch of signs that are mutually coherent. If it is just a singular isolated sign, you could brush it off as platonic friendship. Surely, if he does have history of cheating, then I would say the risk is higher.

From this, one would generally have two schools of thoughts: (i) you believe that if any cheating would happen, it would. Hence any intervention wouldn't make a difference, but would instead hasten the process. (ii) you believe that you should address potentiality before it becomes a reality.

Both philosophical schools of thoughts in love are neither positive nor negative; it is merely how we are geared towards making certain resolution of conflicts in love. If you ask for my personal opinion, I would say my inclination is towards the middle way.

(2) Am I being too paranoid/bad for thinking this way?

It is only natural to be feeling what you are feeling.

We all have our basic needs in relationship and security is one fundamental need. If you feel uncomfortable with him addressing her in such a manner, then surfacing it to him and letting him know is one step you could actively take. You could approach and share it in a reasonable way that you feel uncomfortable with him doing what he is doing.

Instead of assuming, being able to communicate our feelings is important to ensure that there is no elephant in the room. It is the surest way of clarifying our doubts and strengthening the relationship, if we are haunted meaninglessly but by the ghosts in our mind.

Cheers

Love is just another Nature's Tricks?

Arthur Schopenhauer's view on love has strong biological underpinning. He reasoned that our biological nature is the reason why love exist. It only has one singular purpose: procreation. The will to life is the driving force behind our understanding of what love is. Below is some extract of his words:

"The only true purpose, the real purpose of every communion in love is the procreation, the birth of a child, although people who are in love are unable to conceive the nature's treacherous way, casting over the actual act a shining veil ".

"The pleasure, the voluptuousness of mutual sexual possession, is nothing but a trap. Nature is filling the gaps with new individuals. Examine two beings who are seeking to satisfy this imperative instinct called love. One could see in their eyes, filled with lust, a new being taking shape; in their sexual joining, after which they crave, is the union of two beings into one."

Schopenhauer concludes: "Love is only the species' will for survival, the need to propagate de species and it's detrimental to illusions and passing joys the human feels ".

Therefore, according to Schopenhauer, the reason why you fall in love with the person you are in love with and not someone else is because of the fact that he/she possess physical attributes that would complement you to produce the perfect-balanced child. Hence, a short woman would date a tall man so that their child would have an 'ideal' height.

Typical style of Schopenhauer's belief: pessimistic and gloomy.

***

If we are all prisoners of our nature, then it would be impossible to find married couple making the choice not to have children albeit they are biologically-healthy enough to procreate. Nature is but one partial factor in love; to believe that it is the main force is inaccurate. But he is right only in the sense that love cast a shining veil to mask a true intention.

So what is the true intention of love? What is it masking?

Yunhaier defines the true intention of love as fulfillment of cosmic lessons, driven by what I termed as effect from relationship that are primarily karmic by nature. Therefore, to understand relationship, we first need to understand what is "Karmic" and how it is imbedded by nature and skillfully disguised as love.

Once, an homeless woman confided with me about her previous marriage and how much abuse she has sustained all these years. Eventually, she made the choice to leave him only to meet another man, who end up abusing her. My training in social work would have easily understood it as a cycle of violence and she is more likely to end up with another mate who would repeat this cycle. Interestingly, especially in the case of family violence, victims are often drawn to mates who originally appears to provide protection and safety due to a variety of reasons, but end up transforming into an abuser themselves.

There are a few reasons why people stayed in abusive relationship. Sometimes, it is for practical reason (e.g. financial, accommodation, etc), while others might be for emotional reasons - even if it is ineffective (e.g. he abuse me but he is a nice guy, he is the only person that cared as my family abandoned me, etc). Regardless of reasons, what's certain is the effect and the choice to remain in the relationship promised much misery and challenges until real intervention sets in.

And if "Karmic" is about the manifestation in varying degree of elements and conditions of misery, sadness, hurt, disappointment, anger, bitterness or resentment in the course of the relationship, virtually no relationship is absolutely spared from the above experience. Even the best of relationship, leading to marriage with zero experience of arguments whatsoever, would experience some level of sadness upon the passing of their spouse.

Therefore, all relationship are karmic by nature.

Grace asked me "then does it mean that we need to avoid relationship?" Of course not; in fact, relationship can be one of the most meaningful/beautiful things in life.

You see, if all relationship are karmic by nature, then if one could find the partner that has less karmic manifestation, these people tends to have happier relationship. Much of it is also due to the individual's ability to evolve when they are leading the relationship (I won't go into details here though). Then you might ask again, how do we know which is 'more' or 'less' karmic in nature?

Ah! This is where the logic stops. Because we generally do not know what our cosmic lesson in love is and what it wants us to learn in this lifetime.

For example: if the perpetrator is abusive due to a root cause say 'possessiveness' - until the possessiveness is adequately resolved, the danger of abusing is likely to return. Surely, the perpetrator would not realize that he is possessive until he ends up with relationships that work simultaneously to spark this off. However, what is driving behind the formation of this relationship and the initial unconscious choice to be with their chosen partner is the teleological result or final cause of him needing to overcome the lessons of 'possessiveness' that life presents. He would then be attracted to a partner that would provide the condition and opportunity to learn this particular lesson in love - which I called it cosmic lesson.

Love is not a will of life; it is a struggle to understand our cosmic lessons in love and how to overcome them to achieve a greater self.

 "It is absurd to suppose that ends are not present [in nature] because we do not see an agent deliberating." - Aristotle

Aunt Agony 271112

Originally posted by crazyheart:

Hello there everyone!

I would appreciate if you guys can hear me out and give me serious advice.

I met up with this girl through a mutual friend. She was looking for a job in my industry so my friend introduced her to me. We met up for the second time with only two of us about a week later when she said she needed some advice and it felt pretty comfortable as if we had known each other for quite some time already. Then ever since she would text or whatsapp me for the same reason that she needs advice but often stroke conversations further to things other than her job seeking issue. She is a very witty and smart girl, she came across as a little shy too but she showed quite an obvious interest in me and gave me a lot of attention but in a really charming way that turned me on big time and I was never tired of chatting with her. She got a decent job two months later and asked me out for a drink to say thanks but I had to turn her down because I was busy running an important project. I promised her to make up for it when I am more free but it never happened. Though I realzied I started to have some feelings for her and wanted to know more about her, I was not ready for a relationship back then so I never asked her out but leaving all the work to her and just see how it goes.

About a month ago, when we were chatting via whatsapp, she asked me all of a sudden if I ever think of her as a friend. I said yes but to my surprise, she said she doesn't. I was stunned but I knew what was going to come. As predicted, she told me she was afraid she has fallen for me and she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. She said she just felt much better by letting me know so I don't need to think too much about it cause she knows I only consider her as a friend. Actually I was deeply touched by her confession and I do like her a lot but I had many questions running in my head. I was like, what does this wonderful girl like about me? Can I completely trust someone else after my ex girlfriend left me for another guy? Am I ready to give this a try? And so any other stupid questions...I ended up screwing things up by telling her about my ex girlfriend and that I find it hard to trust anyone again, that even though it's been two years but I couldn't let go of my ex girlfriend yet because we used to have a great relationship. I made a big mistake I know but it's like I wasn't myself in front of her, I just couldn't control myself when I told her all that. Though she told me it's fine because she didn't expect anything anyway and that let's just leave it behind and get back to normal but I know I hurt her feelings utterly.

She stopped contacting me ever since. It's been a month and I really miss her. I realized I no longer have flashback of my ex girlfriend. The only girl I think about now is her. She is the girl I think about every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep. She is so special. She is so different from the other girls around me. She made me think she likes me for who I am. I really adore her sincere way of showing her affection for me. But I didn't realize how much I like her until now. I miss her texts, miss chatting with her, I was happier with her. I really miss her.

Now I wanted to ask her out but don't know how to start. I'm afraid she has already moved on and I have no chance. I am also the type who has hard time expressing my own feelings so this has been killing me. I really don't know what to do now to reconnect with her, ask her out, let her know how I trully feel about her.

I really need serious advice. I'd highly appreciate.

Cheers


Personally, I don't think you dealt serious damage, though you probably made her go through one round of emotional rollercoaster, especially since she plucked the courage to confess but the response from you wasn't encouraging. You could start small again: with great chats and gradually proceed with initiated dates from you. However, to ease the awkwardness, you might want to surface your intention that you want to know her better as a friend willingly and see if that picks up.

But caution my friend as rejection isn't an easy feeling to deal with. She might hesitate to proceed forward despite your favorable cue because she also has been wounded by you in varying degree. So you would need to move more to cover terrain that has been decimated by you, in addition to the areas you need to reach before a relationship could manifest. Hence, if you have decide to pursue this option, you would naturally need to be more rejection resistant and yet be mindful of proceeding in a comfortable pace.

Momentum and effort is key; hence, I would like to address something more critical here - the self.

If you allow the shadow of your past to be a burden of your future, then you will always be an unhappy person until you recognise that fact that the death of your previous relationship has reasons, though not fully understood by you now, but would need significant time to pass through insofar for you to connect the dots backwards and conceptualize the grand picture.

Being incongruent (of mind and heart - signs of Venus and Mercury affliction) is an effect of this unwillingness to forgive yourself on the point that you probably did what you could do, but the outcome is such that this relationship has to perish in this manner.

Many times in love, we would need to recongise that it is ok, even if it is a failure outcome because our experience would make us a better person/partners/lovers - if we choose to transform our failure into something constructive. Hence, be congruent in dealing with yourself and you could achieve this by embracing your negative experiences and be authentic to your personal feelings. After all, we are solely responsible for your own feelings and behaviours.

P.S: As you are heavily tormented by the ghost of your past, simultaneously on the other side of reality, your ex-gf is probably making merry with her new relationship. She would not be contemplating on her guilt that she has done what she did at this very moment. Therefore, your inability to forgive your failure does not - for a matter of fact - affects anything that concerns her but will affect everything that concerns you. 

To keep resentment has its cost and you are paying for it.

Cheers

Systemic Understanding of Relationship

For today's sharing, I will quote my grand master's words (William Glasser) in his book "Choice Theory - a New Psychology of Personal Freedom"

"We struggle together to survive. It is easier, more efficient and usually feels better than if we struggle by ourselves. Of course, we need others to satisfy our need for love and belonging. We discover that it feel good to use some of our power to help others and that we may gain more power in the process. When we seek freedom, we do so with the hope that someone will always welcome us back when we want to come back. We prefer learning and having fun with others. This is the ideal way to satisfy our basic needs - trying to get close and stay close to each other.

People who have no close relationships are almost always lonely and feel bad. They have no confidence that they will feel good tomorrow because tomorrow will be as lonely as today. Unlike happy people, they concentrate on short-term pleasure. The alcoholic lives for the immediate feelings provided by the alcohol; that he may wrap his car around a tree does not cross his mind. When pleasure is concerned, unhappy people may be totally irrational when they are seeking instant gratification. 

Although the actual feelings that accompany pleasure without relationships may be similar to how we feel when we are enjoying relationships, the activities that lead to these similar feelings are different. Beware of getting involved with people who seem to be able to feel good but have no close friends. They may be witty and fun to be around, but their humor is all put-down and hostility. If you marry such a person, you will soon be the recipient of that hostile humor and may regret it for the rest of your marriage. Look for someone who has good friends whom he or she treats well and whom you enjoy being with, too. Someone who does not have good friends does not know how to love."

One does not live in a world of their own - images filled solely with our partners. Our lives consist of other equally important aspects; fairing inadequately in one area of our life will somehow bring about negative effect on others parts - even if there isn't any form of direct connection between these two entities. 

This is systemic understanding of relationship: one that is balance, fulfilling and enriching. 

Cheers

Gay Men will Marry your Girlfriend

What an excellent way to promote gay relationship. ROFLMAO!

Click Here

P.S: Guys, remember to can get some tips from gay man.

My Dying Client II

There... my client finally passed away... in a way he has envisioned according to his will and expectation. A naggy intuition told me that he won't survive till his bday and I have to visit him this week. I was glad that I did - and that I had fought against my onslaught of heavy work volume and personal obligation to pay him a quiet visit on my own freewill on Thursday. There I shook his hands for the final time. We exchanged smiles. I told him I have done everything I could possible do within the scope of my profession. Now is the time that he has to figure and make meaning of his final moment. He thanked me.

If I have given myself an excuse to say that I would pay him a visit next week - I would have missed the boat permanently. It is a conscious choice to decide if he is just another case number or another human being anxious about the prospect of death, in which he has never experience before. He is accepting of his circumstances, but that does not mean that he knows what lies ahead. In varying degrees, we are all curious about the final end, but when the time draws near, it is as scary as entering preschool for the first time.

Nobody has died and came back to reveal about what lies ahead. The secrecy surrounding death would make ISD looks like some children organization for no Mas Selamat has ever escape death, with records unbroken since the birth of life.

I am sure we will meet again, in another dimension or incarnation. Who knows? Perhaps... when I know I am dying myself and I have this young man/girl hanging around me for support, it could be him playing the role I have played for him.

My Dying Client

I have a client, who suffers from a terminal illness. Back then around May 2012, he is someone who come across to me as carefree and independent.

As I entered into the ICU ward: there he lies - bedridden and shrouded with strings of tubes and cords around his customized bed, plugged into cold machine and alien equipment. The freedom he used to enjoy is now a recent past. He is alone in his ward, for his condition is too precarious to be living with someone else. Truthfully, he is depended on advanced technology to supply him with oxygen and nutrients for survival.

In other words, he is effectively dying. His days are truly numbered. Concrete and in his face. Not merely an abstract thought.

His voice was feeble and I can barely make any coherent meaning out of his statement. His breathless state constantly robbed him of the opportunity to speak clearly as it has began to take toil on his lung by mere speech. The output of air is way too much for him through talking and his energy deteriorated hastily as his eyes wavered between closing (for some rest) and battling to stay open as he was conscious about the fact that there was a visitor.

Illness has not stole away his common sense of courtesy - though I wouldn't have take it personally even if he had rested for a long moment without speaking to me.

I just wanted my presence around.

I have done and achieved all our mutual set goals as a social worker. He was appreciative of that and make sure that I know it well by thanking me. Many times in fact. I shared that I am here because I want to be there for him: the geniune humane support because he is not just another 'case number' in my system. There he is - a dying man - who is anxious about the prospect of death and wondered where the route ahead lies. I do not profess that I know exactly how he feels, but that does not hinder me in any ways on how I could be there for him professionally.

I know his story. The goldmine of narrative that hid great stash of his personal values, perspective, regrets and glorious moments.  

I stood there for a brief moment. I lower myself near to him as he could not hear him very well. Regardless of content, I just nodded and smiled.

Before I left, he reminded me to wash my hands as it was for my own safety.

My clients. The thoughtful guy.

As I left the hospital, an old quote from Erich Fromm came into my mind: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve and from which he cannot escape" (Man for Himself).