My Dying Client

I have a client, who suffers from a terminal illness. Back then around May 2012, he is someone who come across to me as carefree and independent.

As I entered into the ICU ward: there he lies - bedridden and shrouded with strings of tubes and cords around his customized bed, plugged into cold machine and alien equipment. The freedom he used to enjoy is now a recent past. He is alone in his ward, for his condition is too precarious to be living with someone else. Truthfully, he is depended on advanced technology to supply him with oxygen and nutrients for survival.

In other words, he is effectively dying. His days are truly numbered. Concrete and in his face. Not merely an abstract thought.

His voice was feeble and I can barely make any coherent meaning out of his statement. His breathless state constantly robbed him of the opportunity to speak clearly as it has began to take toil on his lung by mere speech. The output of air is way too much for him through talking and his energy deteriorated hastily as his eyes wavered between closing (for some rest) and battling to stay open as he was conscious about the fact that there was a visitor.

Illness has not stole away his common sense of courtesy - though I wouldn't have take it personally even if he had rested for a long moment without speaking to me.

I just wanted my presence around.

I have done and achieved all our mutual set goals as a social worker. He was appreciative of that and make sure that I know it well by thanking me. Many times in fact. I shared that I am here because I want to be there for him: the geniune humane support because he is not just another 'case number' in my system. There he is - a dying man - who is anxious about the prospect of death and wondered where the route ahead lies. I do not profess that I know exactly how he feels, but that does not hinder me in any ways on how I could be there for him professionally.

I know his story. The goldmine of narrative that hid great stash of his personal values, perspective, regrets and glorious moments.  

I stood there for a brief moment. I lower myself near to him as he could not hear him very well. Regardless of content, I just nodded and smiled.

Before I left, he reminded me to wash my hands as it was for my own safety.

My clients. The thoughtful guy.

As I left the hospital, an old quote from Erich Fromm came into my mind: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve and from which he cannot escape" (Man for Himself).

Aunt Agony 231012

Originally posted by foreveralone:

Need some serious advice / or simply hear me out.

I've been lurking around here on and off once in a blue moon and there's something bothering me for a long time and I need to get it off my mind.

I'm a working professional, below 30, getting married next year, we even bought our own BTO. I have a healthy and loving r/s with my gf who is a SQ cabin crew. She's pretty, has very nice body and all. A lot of people may be envious of what I have, but inside I actually felt very lonely (or not enough). She gives me a lot of attention but whenever she is overseas I crave to resolve my insatiable desire for sex / hook-ups.

I actually have a list of contacts of flings to talk to and hang out with whenever she is overseas (which she often is). I went dinner/drinking/clubbing with them behind my gf's back. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I just enjoy the thrill of the danger and also the company of the girls. We never have sex but mostly some light petting and kissing.

Now by no means are the girls whores. They are also working professionals, some with bf as well. It's just we have had a long lasting relationship flirting and such, and I know my way around with girls :)

I don't know what's wrong with me. When my gf is with me I am perfectly fine of course. But when she's not around, I feel like a dog looking around for a bitch to fuck (without the fuck of course).

And the worst thing is, I may have a crush on her younger sister as well. She just turned 20 and I have already went clubbing with her once (just me and her). Though she looks up to me as a brother and a future brother-in-law, I don't know how I can control my advances on her.

I'm not ready to visit a shrink because I know I'm not sick. Do I have a sex addiction? If so, how can I change? I have a addiction to porn as well and I can mast multiple times a day. Please help!

You seemed to have an awareness that 'something' is not quite right; somewhat skirting around the border of promiscuity (or have you already crossed it?). Personally, that depends heavily on your perception of what defines a 'cheating behaviour' - apparently, you seemed cool about having light petting and kisses with others, hence your thoughts about having 'no sex' non-committed flirting relationship might seem 'alright' to you - but I doubt your other half could readily accept this arrangement unless this is an open relationship.

It is always good to seek additional help if you could you feel that you are losing control, however, I just want to caution you one important thing: it is easy to give ourselves a label of 'addiction' so as to abnegate your responsibility of your action because we often 'attribute' the cause of our action to our 'addiction', when in fact it is but a matter of choice.

For example, have you encounter times when you need to pee, but because of that fact that you are in the middle of a conversation/meeting, you actually made the choice to hold your toilet trip until the conversation ends? Surely, peeing is a natural biological urge and it seemed crazy to stop yourself from going to the loo - we do put ourselves in discomforting situation unconsciously due to variety of reasons. 

The only difference between my above analogy is that choosing to go to the toilet abruptly is unlikely to bring about serious repercussion from your significant other, while having sex with someone else behind your gf's back is a morally questionable choice. You could say that I have a 'sex addiction' and I have 'no choice' but to keep a list of numbers so that I could pick from the list randomly whenever I wanted, so as to satisfy my physical needs. 

However, the point is that keeping this option in this fashion is likely to ruin your relationship in the long run. Surely you could remain the way you are, but your outcome is clear - it is a destructive road ahead unless significant changes could manifest. In some cases, you might not get a second chance. If you deemed that this relationship is important to you, then given your current lifestyle, realistically, it does not help you to stay 'dry' and instead, promote this 'old' behaviour in an exceeding dangerous manner (clubbing/flirting/excessive engagement in porn, etc)

I can see that you are contemplating; however, the choice between contemplation and commitment towards resolution on your issue is usually separated by one huge chasm - whether we really want to resolve it. If not, it will end up like having eczema on your last finger - we don't usually give a damn about it until our skin start cracking, bleeding and flaking. 

P.S: Myth buster number one: you don't have to be sick in order to see a professional. You could see a counsellor and just have a chat to understand about the scope of your problem.

Cheers   

Aunt Agony 191012 (Continued from AA 181012)

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

Yunhaier:

thanks for feeling what i have gone through...u really still the best love consultant in this forum har..

" is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness." Yeah this sound like a tragic storybook flipped..and drama..

my curiosity would be ‘why now?-> i also want to know why now..i highly suspect is 3rd party but he say no...and he say only recently he start to think why he did not go overseas earlier for his career advancement..i am quite sad as his future plans on overseas career , i am not in the picture..so maybe it leads to him thinking what to do with me...maybe he don't feel he love me so tell me all these..he say he can give up everything because of love...he say he feel back always mocking at me when he treat me coldly and i always very nice to him never got angry and patient with him..he start to find out what's wrong and if this will keep hapening in future and will not be fair to me...he saw husband scold wife in public and reminded him of himself and he feel himself very bad... and why and how to save this relationship...but he say he only find out why ->because he don't love me but yet to find out HOW

.. I tell him "Love need 2 person to put in effort and to work on......can we salvage this ? " he answered "don't force me, let me think.." and he is saying if he go china, i can think also...I feel like he is hoping for me to leave him first..he say he know i love him very much..he feel very sad to hurt such kind girl like me...so he say i can scold him bastard or jerk..all he can say is Sorry..everything he thinks now is his career..he wan to excel...so he cannot commit..

i am trying to save this but i don't know how long i need to wait for his answer...if i move in to the house, it may be better, it may be worst..i really don't know..seem like he is pullin the string to where i land..i know the situation but yet i still canot tell myself to give him up..so end up maybe i will be suffering for few years waiting for him...and telling myself he may come back to me..one day....

Damn stupid woman am i...

:(



If it has something to do with his career and strictly not a third party, your position is still somewhat slightly better. However, I do find it contradicting when he said (in your earlier post) that he is afraid of 'falling in love with other girls', which seemed to me that this is somehow inconsistent with his stance of wanting to be career-focus. If that was his reasoning, then he shouldn't be worried about falling for other girls, much more than worried about not advancing fast enough for his career.

There are a number of possible hypothesis; which is why I say it really depends on what is going on behind screen.

For example, a man could find growing affection towards another woman but he might not technically be 'having an affair' because nothing is cast into stone. In this case, he is right that there is no third party because nothing has happened. But the circumstances probably made him realized something about the relationship, which has caused major quakes. In that case, career-focus might not be the reason; it also served as a convenient distraction from the real problem, almost like a form of escapism.

Truly, there are several tracks to this. However, what kind of decision you make depends on how much information you have on hand. The good thing about having more information is that you would discover discrepancy by comparing notes. Out of curiosity, I have a few critical questions:

I) If he doesn't love you from the start, what kept him going on for so many years? Brutally speaking, is he is waiting for the right opportunity to leap to someone else better?

II) Are you giving him any form of pressure or obstacle when it comes to his career? If he could cope with having you and his career previously, what made the change?

III) Does he mean that if he wants to focus on his career, he doesn't need or want any relationship? Or does he not want you only? But he is fine if someone else comes along?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 181012

Originally posted by Devoted gal8888:

anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

.......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong ...dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need..  i even do a touching video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..

please help me...give me some advise...

so depressed and sad.. i know i can choose to be happy but yet i cannot control my heart thinking worst tings hapening..


I sense your deep pain, hurt and anguish; truly it is a great struggle having to lead a relationship of eight years - only to see this dream shatter into glass pieces seemingly overnight. It is only natural to be adamantly attached to the past and the length of the relationship, especially since the taste of marriage life is about to begin in your new matrimonial home.

It is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness.

It takes two to clap; surely your last effort in trying to salvage a relationship is an effortful feat to protect what’s left of your relationship, just remember that no amount of persuasion, influence or coercion could resurrect a man who has never loved you because you cannot lose something that never exist nor fix something that has never been there.

Our disappointment and sadness would naturally fall through tears upon this realization. I truly feel you.

***

He is contemplating because there are many factors to consider, many things to ‘lose’ and many systemic damage to minimize. In addition, it is likely that you do not have full information or reason for his decision. If he could lead eight years of a ‘loveless’ relationship, my curiosity would be ‘why now?’ Granted that there might be push factors (e.g. he doesn’t love you actually… not the one he is looking for, etc), but I believe there are also events happening, unconscious to you, which generate significant pull factor/s.

Love is not a gamble; we all take calculated risk. You married him because you love him and not because of chance: there are emotions, experiences, time and investment plough into the fields of love. It is not merely dice rolling, entirely at mercy of luck and chances.

Other than trying to win back the relationship, I suggest you might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and know the ‘pull factors’ at work to understand the terrain of the battle you are fighting on. Only then, you could have better clarity of your relationship and decide what you could or should do about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 161012

Originally posted by TheAddict:

Okay, this is my first time posting in the forums, sorry if its in the wrong session.

a little background info;
the guy is in his 30s and is currently going through a divorce. he has three kids and i'm young. he is an introvert and keeps thoughts to himself and he is a bit quiet until you loosen him up. he has very little friends, he is very logical and rational (i know all man are like this, but he is extremely logical). i know he is a nice guy, otherwise i wouldnt fall in love for a jerk. i am actually quite independant for my age but this guy really makes me go crazily in love with him. he is just my type, if you put it that way. he makes me clingy to him, but i resist the urge to text him all the time and keep our conversation short so as to give him space.

Well, he and i had a relationship for 3 months. everytime i spend time with him, i feel like i want to spend the rest of my life with him. okay, so i havent felt his love for 1 month, therefore, this week, i went to ask him about his feelings for me. it turns out my feelings were right, he doesnt love me anymore and he only loves me as a friend now. 

at first i wasn't angry and was very very hurt. he kept apologizing and said that he needed time to sort things out and he asked me not to leave him and that he will try to find the feelings back. at first i was determined to leave him if he doesnt love me, because well, whats the point right? so i went mad and told him that he would actually grow old being lonely if he doesn't even want to give this relationship a try. he told me he isnt interested in a relationship right now because of all the things that he is going through (troubled and stress from the divorce). but as time grew, i find myself thinking of him every second and i cant sleep well and i just love him so much. i dont want to get over him, i want to get him back.

i told him about my feelings and try to get him to reminisce the good times that we have so that getting his feelings back for me would be easier. i told him that i still wants to be his girlfriend and he said he dont want to hurt me. he said 'okay we are still together, but we will not have sex okay?' so i agreed. i then told him that he has to promise me to at least try to have his feelings for me back. he didnt reply and 5 hours later, he asked 'what are you doing?' like i never said that..

before i slept last night, i texted him goodnight and that i love him. he changed topic before that, but the next message he sent included a 'love you'. i know he is fulfilling his duty as a 'boyfriend' but do you think that rekindling our love is possible? if i were to bring him to places that we first held hands and first kissed, does it matter? should i let go or keep trying, because im so in love with him? do you think he is still in love with me, but is afraid of having a commitment since he just got out of his marriage? do i ever have the chance to experience love from him again...?

i dont want to keep having these conversations with him that makes him say things that he doesn't want to say. please help me..



When we are in love, our executive thinking function partially shuts down. It is where our sense of reasoning and logical thinking lies. Thus when folks say 'love is blind' - it is somewhat true.

If you are truly 18-19 years old, then there would be certain elements or factors that you have deliberately downplayed to pursue the love you desire in a seemingly reasonable fashion. For a man in his 30s, he probably experienced a good deal of how love and relationship have been functioning in his life. In terms of social age, he is far beyond your level of mere companionship and relatively untainted feelings.

Other than his reason of 'having no feelings', he is likely to feel ambiguous about this relationship. Surely, part of his sexual and emotional needs are satisfied through you, however, it is a much greater hurdle to convince himself in reality that he (and you) is in for a real relationship after his wife exit the scene. Three children, financial obligation and negative perspective from external family and friends: these are very real issues he would have to deal with if he wants to upgrade a seemingly need-driven relationship into something more concrete.

You might want to figure out what exactly you are getting out of this relationship and what is stopping you from leaving. More often than not, these are intangible qualities, value or event that extends itself beyond just 'I love him.' Sometimes, falling for a much older man reflects the absence of close male figure/s in your early childhood environment. The possibilities are numerous; however, having some clarity would help you to sort out internally if this relationship as a whole (not just a selective part) is what you want and what you need.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 111012

Originally posted by Olljwdkq:

I'm an 18 year old taking my As this year. Up till now I don't really have problems in my life, right till now.

Almost all my friends are attached. In my 2 years I've chased 4 girls without luck. I'm not a flirt, perhaps it's my defense mechanism, to move on quickly after I get rejected. I just feel so lonely that I'm forever alone. Often I wonder if it's because I'm short, or I'm ugly, or what. To be honest I'm not short, I'm perhaps a little below average. And I don't think I'm ugly, but then I can't get a girlfriend, so maybe I AM ugly. I don't know. (I'm not posting my picture)

Recently there was this girl. Last week (I ended school at 12 and had something at 4 so I wanted to study in between) I texted her if she was studying (I know she studies in school) and she said yes, so I went to join her. It was productive, we chatted a bit, but not to the extent that we couldn't concentrate on work.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had a school event including her and I. She asked me to eat dinner with her. Maybe I'm thinking too much, but from this I'm thinking she doesn't HATE me, right? I mean why would you ask somebody you dislike for dinner? So all I'm saying is it's a reasonable guess that she at least does not dislike me.

Anyway we didn't eat dinner that day, because I had something cropped up the last minute.

So anyway I asked to study with her again (because I studied with her once and it was productive for both of us + I was under the impression she at least likes me) and she said she preferred to study alone. Note that when I studied with her she was studying with a friend, so I'm not sure if her friend joined at the last minute (like me) or if she was just blowing me off with an excuse.

Today I went to study and saw her and joined her. There was a girl there (a different one). When the girl left she said bye to her. So I don't know if they were studying together or not. (She is really sociable and has lots of friends so maybe the girl could have just joined like me, I don't know).

So 1) I'm really confused: If she likes me enough to ask me to join her for dinner, why won't she say yes to studying with me? I'm not even asking her out on a date! I just wanted to study together. And if she's not comfortable around me, why the f*ck would she ask me for dinner?

2) I'm frustrated. My head is in a mess. My mind is f*cked up. What's wrong with me? Is it my character, my personality, or physically I'm just defective? Why can't I find a girlfriend? Am I that bad a catch? In what areas exactly am I not on par with my friends?

3) I'm so lonely. Right now I don't even want a girlfriend! I just want a female companion, a friend. A person to study with.

What's wrong with me?

Too much analysis causes paralysis.

You probably felt the need to validate your own self worth by believing that for as long as you could hang out with at least one girl, it would somehow raise your esteem by a notch. This is normal and natural development for people of your age; in which our identity is pretty much tied to the kind of association and friends we hang out with.

The fear of loneliness is one of the most common reasons why people desire a 'Boy-Girl' form of relationship. But it's not just about being attached per se; the fact is that our love and belonging needs are not adequately being met. Hence we always feel the void to fill them with something and our logical mind perceived that as BGR. However, it is a vicious cycle because every rejection would naturally cause you to distort, withdraw or reinforce your defensive mechanism.

In reality, what you are probably missing in life is not merely BGR; in fact, it's likely that you don't really share very meaningful relationship with people - both boys and girls (immediate family members not included). And meaningful does not mean romantic.

Ultimately, we are all social creatures - the need to feel connected to another person is a real need. Other than studying, you might want to figure out what you usually do during your free time and how to expand your social circle beyond that of just academic activities. Focusing on interest and activities would greatly help to defray the prospect of loneliness, have fun and improve our social capital.

Cheers

Fallacy of Recovery

The rate of recovery from a defunct relationship is an area of Love that people often have problems grappling with. Some people really struggled with the outcome of losing their relationship more than others; however it is not always suggestive of the fact that those that 'fare better' are less attached to their relationship - it is really about their own conception of the problem regarding separation and death. People with difficulty in coming in terms with these concepts generally faced greater issues because the lost of their relationship is really just another aspect of death.... another aspect of separation.

I will address the fallacy of recovery, which people often subconsciously adopt and fuel their own misery.

I. Expecting recovery to happen naturally

Recovery is NOT a natural process; it does not happen naturally like how you shit naturally after a few meals consumption. Recovery is a constant active process, in which we constantly battle the relapses, the flashbacks and the depressive moods. It is a conscious choice to pick an alternative behavior or adopt new ones to help us cope with the death of our relationship.

By not doing anything to engage our body, mind and spirit - it is likely to maximize the misery we are going to face in full frontal effect.


II. Expecting to recover instantly

We are only humans; expecting us to recover immediately after a break up is almost like asking for the moon. This is especially true for the ones that have grown so attached to their other half and the sudden separation is more likely to bring about a period of chaos, confusion and disorder. Some people have this false belief that if I do 'this' and straight away I will recover. Good attempt, but chances are relapse are also as likely to happen.

Be gentle on yourself. Time (and action) needs to play its part to ensure that recovery has a fair chance to manifest in your life. It is not magic, so don't expect miracles to happen on your emotions.


III. Expecting recovery, while maintaining attachment to a nonexistent relationship

This is a common fallacy that people suffers from; although it is painful to lose a relationship, it is equally painful to retain ourselves and get attached to a relationship that no longer exist. The emotional craving does not get sated in any ways and this certainly brings about great misery. They are likely to lament that nothing help them to relief the pain, but unconsciously, they are choosing the behavior to perpetuate this misery. It is like punching the wall and praying that it does not hurt - the distortion in reality and delusion will only serve to direct ourselves in a downward spiral of depression.


IV. I can forgive, but I can't forget. 

Asking someone to forget another person in my opinion is one of the worst advice commonly being dished out. Realistically speaking, how can anyone ever forget anyone? Unless you suffer from dementia, which is not likely to happen until another 50 years time, this suggestion is as good as a meaningless quote.

You CAN'T forget anyone as a matter of fact - you can only get USED to the feeling of leading life without your other half. Getting used to a discomfort feeling is not quite the same as forgetting the source of your discomfort - the latter is bound to fail.


V. I won't forgive him/her - how I can just let him/her go so simple? 

Sure you won't forgive; but even if you don't, your ex will likely to be out there making merry and getting back to his/her life while you are miserably depressed about your spilled milk. Your forgiveness is NOT a permission for your ex to move along in life; your forgiveness is basically a self forgiveness - where you forgive yourself for making an unwise decision or making some mistakes in the past that has become irrevocable.

Nobody is perfect - accept that some circumstances are beyond our control. Without self forgiving, it makes recovery a difficult process.

Emotional People. Rational People.

Emotional people likes talking to rational people because they want analysis from rational people (especially on relationship) as the logic behind rationality sometimes serve to understand their circumstances better.

But at the end of the day, emotional people finds it difficult to carry through the logical plans like how rational people do because rational people segment logic from emotions, while emotional people drive logic emotionally.

It is not that they don't understand the logical plans in an intellectual sense; it is that they find it emotionally difficult to execute the plans the way rational people do. It is like if I am not brought up in a culture where eating with bare hands would allow me the enjoy the food better; it is not that I don't know how to eat with my hands. (Duh. Just use your hands and eat it). But instead, I must feel comfortable in using my hands to eat before I use them to eat.

So are you emotional people? Or rational people? :)

Cheers

Perceived Reality of Love

It is even possible to understand 'Love'?

A tough question indeed. I remember I had supervision the other day and one of my colleague's main struggle is to help her client figure out a way to understand 'love', in reference to how self image and self love would somehow affect her relationship.

It is a hard question isn't it? Asking people what is an abstract quality of a value or a concept.

The point is that we will never be able to know what love is. It is same with reality. We do not know what reality really is. All we know and understanding about reality is merely through our senses. Hence, our understanding of reality is but an edited version of reality.

We only have perceived reality.

In the same argument, we cannot know the nature of love. In fact, drilling into an unfathomable nature of love leads to derangement and is ultimately meaningless. We only know of love through the properties it surface. For example, when my mother cooks for the family, it is one property of love (act of services). When a couple goes overseas and having fun together, it is also one property of love (quality time). So on and so forth.

When you combined all these acquired experience, one is likely to conclude a few ideas about love, in which it would naturally transform into a belief, since some of these experience probably reinforce a particular ideology.

But is this ideology of ours, formed about love, the universal truth?

Tinted glasses and selective perception.

After all, we only know of a perceived reality. We do not know what reality really is.

I only have one reflective question for those who happen to stumble upon my article; how has retaining your own belief (whatever it is) help or not help you to experience love as it is?  

If it does not help you, it is something that you want to change?

What do you think? :)

Aunt Agony II 180912

Originally posted by heartlessheartbroken:

Please do not flame and read my whole story, I am only writing this to obtain genuine advice on my current situation. It is a long story but my life is really in a mess that is beyond imagination.

My wife ran away with my son and my only family member, my nephew left my house and severed all ties with me, now I am all alone but left with a few important decisions to make to remedy this situation.

I fell in love with a beautiful woman A some years ago, she is my ideal type and we dated for almost 2 years. She is rich, extremely pretty and had everything I wished for a wife. However, due to my unfaithfulness, I had a one-night-stand with another woman B at a bar. Unfortunately, I pregnated her and we were forced to get married by her parents. B isn't too bad and we had a healthy marriage life but I do not love her. Instead, my heart still belongs to A. Needless to say, A was infuriated because at that time we broke up, we had plans to get married.

I have been living with my nephew for many years since his parents passed away. Ever since my brother and his wife passed away when their son was still schooling, my nephew 35, and me, 40 lived together with our son. We lived a very modest life and I had regretted my affair which turned out into an unwanted marriage and family. I could have lived much better if I had married A in the first place.

However, due to very unbelievable coincidence, my nephew met A in his company and they became very close friends and dated. It was only last year during CNY that he brought her to our small reunion. My wife B recognised A and immediately disapproved of their relationship. When A met me, I was sure that she still had feelings for me like I did for her, however she married my nephew. After our meetup, we had sex on a few occasions without my wife's knowledge.

Last month, A discovered that she was pregnant despite desperately trying many times with my nephew. My nephew was so happy that his wife got pregnant but I was quite sure that the child belongs to me. I then brought A to have a medical checkup and they said there was nothing wrong with her. That means my nephew was infertile all along and the child is indeed mine.

When all of us met for a diner a few days ago, my wife B became suspicious of us because I showed too much care for her unborn baby. After the dinner, I met up privately with my nephew and told him that A was carrying my child. He told my wife about it and she ran away from home with our son. My nephew is also on the verge of divorce with A because of her affair with me. After A knew about this, she blamed herself and tried to commit suicide. I brought her to my house and she had been living here for the past 2 days.

I know I am a bad person but I want to try to save our family and thought of these options:

1. Divorce B, marry A and start a new life with her. But if I do that, I lose my wife and child, also my nephew.

2. Lie to my nephew and tell him I was drunk and blurted out nonsence that night. Hope that life will be back to normal again while still being able to see A for the rest of my life as a niece in-law. If A keeps this secret well, our family will be in peace for the time being.

3. Relocate to another country with my wife and child and forget about A completely.

I think 2 is the best option but it will be very hard for me to do. Are there any other ways I can get over this?



Two wrongs do not make one right.

You could go on making choices to fill in the void caused by some unwise decision/s made at that point of time. However, it will just snowball into a huge conflagration, in which you will find it harder and harder to extinguish. Life is full of 'what ifs' - surely things would be different if you had married A. However, the truth is that the 'what if' never actually took place. We could go on forever on how those possibilities could play out, but then again, it is not possible to go back in time to find out for sure.

It is based on what you felt was a wrong choice, while ignoring other factors that would have naturally develop along the way to neutralize the value of 'wrongness'.

When you have a sexual affair with your nephew's wife - it is a clear indication that you are willing to risk your marriage (which includes your wife and son) to pursue what you felt was a choice left behind by an unfortunate circumstances. However, I just want to highlight something: 'no choice' is still a choice. You might have been 'coerced' by her parents and/or your conscience on moral grounds to marry your wife - still, it is a choice that you have decided to commit eventually, even though there wasn't any love. I truly doubt her parents actually point the gun barrel at you to say 'I do' - I think you get my drift.  

Until the point we take responsibility for all our choices made, it is hard to get out of your situation effectively because your chosen behaviour often revolves around avoiding, minor (ineffective) patching and/or delaying the consequences of an unwise decision. Notice that your preferred course of action is (2), which still another attempt to do one or more of the above.

Your options are mutually exclusive; keeping your family intact would means that A would have to go, while choosing A would means that your wife, son and nephew will need to go. Coexistent in this case is impossible and unrealistic to pursue.

P.S: You have to decide what you want before you commit any further decision. If you are lost: stop for a moment and glance at your map. You don't keep walking because chances are, you will walk further away from your original destination and that will just make you feel miserable once the truth slams you hard - on how far away you are from where you want to want.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 180912

Originally posted by Frustrated86:

I hope not to expect anybody to flame here, only constructive comments.

I come from a broken family. Father was a gambler and sailor, left my family when i was a child. Mother never remarried. Mother then carry the responsibility of raising me and my elder sister, hawking at the roadside.

So, my education never surpass school. I now work as an assistant chef at a hotel. I toil night and day, in the steamy kitchen. Life is hard. I have few friends and no sociel life and yes I work on saturdays and sundays. Sometimes i have to come to shift-work at 3am to prepare the meals for breakfast.

My pay is low. Now life is getting harder for my family and I. My mother's health has not been great. She suffers from acute asthma. My elder sister got married to an abusive husband. He hits her regularly and he borrows money from the loan shark. The loan shark harass him until he left my sister for good. Now my sister have moved in to stay with us. I have regular fights with my sister over the admin of our home and splitting the money for our daily home maintenance.

So here is my story, I met this girl at the hotel we work, she works at the concierge. We've gone out regularly on dates. I fell in love with her. However, as time goes by, she seem not to be very responsive to me anymore. It was then, I realise that one of the hotel managers was persuing her. He was richer and have more money than me. In the end, the girl explained to me that she had to leave me for a better man who can provide her with better security.

I am so heart broken. I am so poor and no matter what I do, I cannot alleviate my situation. I have no time to meet people because of my job.

I feel demoralised, not knowing what hte future lay for me. I don't think I would be able to find any girl who i can support because they all want richer man. I am starting to realise that women here don't want a guy with a simple salary anymore. THeir expectations have gone up sky high, they want a rich guy.

I also feel very stress because I have to support my ailing mother with her high medical expenses and not be able to afford to buy property. Everything is getting expensive but my salary is still the same.

I would like to take additional educational courses to better my life but i have no spare time and not enough money.

I envy all my former schoolmates who have richer parents, sent them overseas to study, now they come back to take over their father's business, have easy life, drive big car and live in big mansions and marry the beautiful wife. These people always go out and lose their smartphones but next day they easily replace them. Me? I am still using a button handphone.

Is life ever fair? No. I have to toil on. I cannot blame this on my parents. I just have to blame it on fate.

I am struggling to uplift my life, wondering what I should do. The future don't look so good but i have to put on a smile. 



Although it may be hard when our early childhood are filled with challenges and difficulties that limit our opportunities in life, ultimately, it is paramount to recognize that though these events do play a significant part in our life, they do not exist in our future - if that isn't how we want the game to end.

You could accept the way how your past was; but it is an entirely different ball game for your future.

It would be a grave mistake to attribute your misery due to the fact that your love interest chose someone else over you because of money alone. The point is that it may help you to cope better emotionally because having this perspective is certainly easier than making a choice to change a seemingly gloomy destiny.

Perhaps what you lack is not merely a lack of opportunities, but a lack of courage.

I do not know you, but for someone who claims to have little education; I felt that you certainly write decent enough to express your ideas and feelings. And working hard to make a decent living despite having a really tough job is resiliency.

I am not here to judge, but rather, I have a few reflective questions for you to evaluate your own situation.

I) If you remained in your current job and your prospect is limited; how much are you willing to risk doing something different so that you could achieve a different outcome?

II) If you imagine yourself upgrading, what would you see yourself learning/doing?

III) How badly do you want to change your own personal destiny? How much are you willing to commit and work on it?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 050912

Originally posted by Butt3rcup:

I have been with my bf for about a year now.

The prob wif me is I'm not confident of being alone. I have carried a torch for Another guy for a long time. But I know he can't be with me cos of other personal reasons. Mostly would be his race. I'm not concerned of looks cos I know eventually it will fade. But I cannot be in this way where I'm neither here or there. Wat should I do ?

Im getting married wif my current bf next year

It appears to me that you might not be emotionally ready for marriage and if you decide to go along with your plans, you might have to pay a higher ticket price for 'future changes'. Though painful as taking ownership of your choice might be, it is still far better than sweeping it under the carpet and thinking that things will just go away.

Because ultimately, you just can't run away from yourself.

The fear of being alone is common. However, if the relationship is led by fear and not by love, you would have a lot of self convincing to do when there is presence of 'competition' - even if you are already married by then.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 040912 (Continued from AA 030912)

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I wish it was this easy. People like her come once in a blue moon. In this modern society, we are all caught up in our jobs and competition for vanity, so we hardly got time to find soul mates out there.

I am in my late 30s, time is catching up.

Yes, I cannot just shut out religion and she cannot shut out her religion and we just go continue on like this without even considering the consequences.

Religion or my faith is more than just going to a building and making prayers, its my whole life.

 If she is impartial then our relationship would be in harmony. However, she criticize my religion. WE spoke about tithes and offerings for my religion. I said it is necesary because my religion need the finances to pay for the community work, premises upkeep and salaries of full time workers. I say that my religion does not compulsorily require the 10% contribution, we only volunteer to contribute because in our religion, god loves a cheerful giver not want to force a reluctant giver to give donation.

She still not convince and she gave me the blackface because next time if we are a family, she doesn't want any of the money finances given to the church. So yes, the religious differences will inevitably disturb our relationship.




It's a painful revelation when we are coerced to conclude that we cannot achieve the best of both worlds at our current state. Much as we would like to see it happening in our real world, perhaps the nature of our choice does not allow smooth harmonious blending of these different pictures into a beautiful symphony. Sometimes, some pictures are mutually exclusive and cannot co-exist simultaneously. 

At the age of being in your late 30s, it is natural to see how the developmental stage of needing to settle down and the importance of a stable relationship are important for you personally. Then again, sometimes, it may not be how much understanding she knows about your religion to accept you, but the key question lies whether are you able to accept the possibility that she might not be able to accept your religion and some of these values that you have already explained so patiently? Are you able to reconcile with yourself that by making the choice to remain in the relationship, there is a possibility that you might have to live with the struggle of having to making difficult choices between being a good Christian and the image of a good boyfriend?

Just a small disclaimer: I am not saying a good boyfriend means having to give up your love for God - what I am trying to say is that both pictures in your quality world are important to you because they obviously satisfy certain personal/spiritual needs - the thoughts of having make choices between them can be pure excruciating.

If being a good Christian (in which I am referring to your regular financial support, community involvement and other personal effort) is something that is non-negotiable for you, then naturally this relationship would become an expendable option.

P.S: The sphere of religious influence can be very powerful. However, do note that ultimately, you would have to make a committed choice and decide what you want and what is important to you. Just remember at the end of the day, nobody is going to live with the prospect of being single and its associated feelings (e.g. loneliness) or the fear in spiritual punishment/deprivation of spiritual reward other than yourself.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030912

Originally posted by Oldkamhouse:

I have been going out with this girl for 5 months, but we haven't been able to progress our relationship due to religious issues.

You see, she hates my religion. I don't want to say anything about the religion except to say that it is definitely NOT islam.

I never ask her to change to my religion but it seems to separate us most of the time. She thinks I am very staunch in my religion because I attend classes, seminars, community work a lot but I am not staunch at all because I am a person with a lot of flaws, I do drink liquor, I do cross the red light, I sometimes accidentaly swear at people. In other words, I am imperfect and i don't go around judging other people.

Because I always talk religion with my social circles, I sometimes have the habit of accidentaly talking religion to her, and that makes her mad at me. When I accidentaly say it, she will go and boast her religion back at me and give me the quiet treatment.

I get the feeling that my religion is affecting her and not sure if she likes me enough to continue.

So what should I do? I had a heart to heart talk to her about religion and she frankly tell me that she thinks my religion is bias and not good. Ouch, but i just don't get it, why she takes offence at it when I never ask her to change to my religion. I was hoping that she allow me to freely practice my religion while she practice hers.

I really like her a lot.

Religion is not merely about a faith belief; in fact, it encompass an entire framework of perspective, values, ideals, rules, norms, mores and outlook of life - which includes the way we view love and relationship specifically. For some, it is central to the motivation of their behavior and how they manage their interaction with others.

Love requires no religions for it is not a living entity, unlike a human being, tormented by the need for 'answers' to justify its very existence. Therefore, the suffering of having any forms of religious conflict stem from the couple and belongs entirely to themselves.

This is an important understanding because I will not attempt to reply your post from any faith-based perspective, but rather, reflect it as the choice you have made in name of love - since this choice is probably a succulent condition for such conflict to manifest in the future. You might have intense feelings for this girl; however, the inability of being able to accept each other in your own respective skin is likely to be the cause of your misery.

It is not about whose religion is more superior, but rather, not being able to gain mutual respect and understanding of each other's values naturally generate great challenges for your relationship. It is also a similar set of problem for other form of value-conflict, in which religious conflict belongs to one type of such dimension (I called them Jupiter affliction).

Therefore, what is ultimately more important to you? Being able to be a 'good member' of your chosen religion OR the love & belonging need you get from her companionship? Surely, that would give you some concrete insights on how you could proceed with your situation.

P.S: The point I am driving at is that there is no absolutely way you could continue a relationship like yours without bloodshed IF the both of you are not able to reconcile each other in your natural state. Perhaps deep in your respective subconsciousness, though you might claim there is none, there could be a quiet desire to convert the other, which is actually no difference from a romance-frenzied lover wanting to change her down-to-earth dude to become 'more romantic'.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 130812

Originally posted by Enzol:

Hi people, im relatively new to this forum. However im seeking some answers and advice from my current situation here. First of all, i would like to thank you for your time listening to me. Here goes:

Due to frequent quarrels caused by our personality differences, I broke up with my gf of 3 years almost a year back in 2011. Things were going on okay for me, moving on and all.

Until afew months later, my ex (lets call her Jane) contacted me back, wanting to meet up for dinner. I was thinking she had moved on as well and just wana be friends. I was always open to the idea of old flames being friends and all and a few of my good friends are actually my ex-gfs.

I met jane up, and she was okay, still the same old girl i used to date. we had dinner and all was pleasant, but unexpectedly we ended up having sex at my place in the wee hour of the night. And this was not all, she actually revealed to me that she is already attached with another guy.. (seems like she moved on quicker than i do.)

I was kinda shocked and all, and this doesnt look good on us. I was kinda ashamed of myself, and told myself that i will not do it again. But it was all a lie, i could not resist the temptations of sexual pleasure with Jane, afterall im single and i have my needs.

We began to meet up more often for dinner and usually these dinner dates ended up in sexual trysts in a hotel room. Every week without fail, we will meet up one night to engage in coitus. We began to grow closer to each other, she told me that shes having relationship problems with her current bf, frequent quarrellings, not spending enough time for each other, etc.

I knew that inside her heart, she still loves me, dont even think that she loves her bf. But i am really happy with this current status with her, for i know if we were to be back together again, fights will break out. So getting back together with her is out of the question.

However as time goes on, i begin to feel something weird, i actually felt jealous that she is with her bf. This jealousy began to engulf me and i wanted her to break up with her bf. But on the other hand, i just wanted to maintain this sexual, non commitment relationship with her.

I am very sorry but i admit, i am a really selfish person, i wanted her for myself but yet i doesnt want to commit. I felt that since shes cheating on her bf and their relationships are very rocky, they should just end it. You might brand me a hypocrite for saying this, but afterall, this behind the back sex thing doesnt look good on us and i actually felt guilty, and feel bad for the guy. Although she doesnt. Does this shows that she dont really have feelings for the guy?

I asked her to break up with the guy and dont waste each other’s time since she doesnt really like him. But actually i wanted her for my own (im an asshole really.) I told her that if she break up with her bf, we would have nothing to hide and theres nothing to be guilty and worried for. She felt that its okay being with the guy, since there are no other guys coming by. And she doesnt have a problem cheating on him and theres no difference in the status of our sex-only relationship . She seemed unwilling to break up with the guy.

Things were actually simple and uncomplicated for me – bang her and be satisfied and not giving a fuck about her personal life. But i guess i kinda screwed it up by guilt and jealousy.What should i do? Really need some advice here, FYI, jane is a very emotionally dependent girl, not very much willing to give up/let go of a relationship and needs someone by her side. But i feel that this should not go on. This is wrong. I feel bad for the guy and most importantly i want her to be mine. Please help me.

Very much appreciated and grateful,
Enzo


Your current arrangement creates much ambivalence; while it seemed all nice to have that physical relationship without the commitment aspect, the reflection in your post does seemed to have a shift in perspective: though as much as the physical need is being satisfied, emotionally, there is stark emptiness. We must always remember that our needs are complex and it goes beyond just instinctive urge because we will start questioning the meaning behind our behaviour, which is probably why you are so tormented about this whole thing.

Your ex-gf is likely to lead a dissatisfying relationship - there is something critical that she is not getting from her current beau, which may not be necessary sex. While you have concluded that the physical needs are mutual, your writing does seem to suggest that she probably wants to leverage more out of just pure sex: what I am trying to say is that she appears in wanting to be emotionally connected to you.

While it is strange to say that because it started out as a physical thing, however if you examine closely, the form of this loosely structured relationship has evolved into some sort of 'support session' each time you spent the night together. This probably threw the both of you off the original 'fark buddy course' because if physical needs is primary, then the emotional feedback shouldn't have happen. The continuous need for the meet up has transformed this situation into more than simple sex sessions, it has actually cause both of you to reflect upon the reality of this sub-rosa relationship, both past and present state. 

Somehow your emotions betrayed your subconscious thoughts, it is likely that the quarrels you used to experience in the past does not exist in this current arrangement. Obviously - since there is no longer any reasonable position for the condition of a quarrel to happen. This is probably an important reflection cue to somehow think and actually consider the possibility that if you could maintain a non-conflicting relationship with her on this arrangement, it is actually suggestive that you might be able to maintain it this way too if both of you are actually together.

However, there are too much fear and ambivalence present to make a committed decision. Though it is easier for you to tell her to 'break up' if she doesn't have any more feelings for him, but that would mean that she would have 'nobody' in her perspective, which may suggest elements of loneliness that associate itself with being single.

On the other hand, although you know that you are going to win her back if she breaks up with her current beau, she does not have this information on hand to be able to make a 'sound decision'. Or perhaps, she is waiting for you to 'reveal' that information, so that she can consider her options.

There is no problem in your arrangement; the only problem is when you want to stretch unrealistically beyond what the structure of this arrangement could provide. Every system of arrangement has its limits on how much return it begets. Waddling along the shoreline will only get you so far; until the both of you throw yourself into the deep sea and actually start swimming, then you can talk about how to cope and manage the 'challenges of swimming' and not just thinking about swimming. 

Cheers

Aunt Agony 120812

Originally posted by Yeom89:

My bf is 26 and I'm 23 this year. I'm still a virgin but he's not, he had slept with 3 of his ex gfs before. We are really different in our personalities, individual lives and the way we were brought up. He also told me before that he was attacted to me because I am everything he isn't. He was the bad boy when he was younger (in the eyes of our families and our friends) but thankfully for him, his family is quite well off, thus they sent him to UK to do his A levels and degree. While I'm the goody girl next door whom follows the nicely planned out route for me. I've also met his family but he isn't ready to meet mine because he is worried how they would judge his past. When his mum saw me, she actually asked him if he was serious with me and told him not to hurt him in any way.

We have been dating for 1 month, we are doing all fine and good. He asked to make love nearly all the times we were on bed and we did everything except sex already. I told him that I'm still not ready and he's willingly to wait and didn't force me any further. But I could tell that he really wants to make love together.

Anyway, he drove me to somewhere really romantic last night and we started kissing, the mood was really right. After that, he wanted to send me home but I wanted to sleep over at his place (I've been staying over his place quite regularly already and he's staying alone) He then told me that if we go to his place like that, we would end up doing it. I didn't say anything and I just wanna spend the whole night with him. I could really feel that this time the mood was a little different and my hands are shivering. I guess I was prepared already to give myself totally to him, and at the last moment before he inserted into me, he turned away, laughed and said 'Now you're ready and I'm not.' He said he loves me too much and he knows that I see virginity as smt very impt and he wants me sure that he's worthy of it. Why didn't he want to do it with me when he's been asking for it? I'm confused..


It doesn't matter whether he has slept with 3-exs or if you hold conservative value of having virginal purity until marriage - at the end of the day, it lies somewhere between what both of you are willing to compromise and negotiate, in consideration of each other's value and in view of a long term relationship.

It seem that you are physically comfortable with him, which is a signal that you do enjoy some degree of close intimacy. As much as you are thinking and working out your 'risk profile' analysis, he is also working out if he should 'negotiate' his own sexual needs to give you the respect you need because he knows that it is important to you.

I am not suggesting that your man doesn't want sex - like how you have sense it, he probably wanted it. The difference might be the fact that his previous gfs might not hold that kind of value that you do (as strongly) or he might want to 'try a different approach' to the way he manage his relationship.

The possibilities are endless, but I would choose to see it as a good sign - that your man made the decision and did what you have described. Do not attribute it as a weakness personally, in which you might have deem yourself less attractive in any ways. 'Physical Touch' is only one mode of expression in love; after all, we have other four languages of love (namely: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Services). A balance relationship would also have a good mix of the other expressions in love.

Cheers

Rethinking

Have been real busy these period (what's new right? ROFLMAO!) and this week alone, there are three funerals calls for me to attend. Also, I was chatting with my YY over whatapps and I shared that I can't even find the time to blog these days.

Time and the fragility of life have kinda made me rethink about some things.

Symbolically, I might want to quit blogger and move to wordpress - that's certain. Sure, I might have to relearn how to work around stuff in a 'new environment' once again, but I think it has what I wanted. I would need to move on to 'needs that matter'.

What I 'used to want' and what 'I want now' is different. When I look at what I 'used to want', it began to make sense to me on how that will never materialize because it is somewhat destined to remain in the past. For the destined past will never be part of a proud future because the conditions that surrounded the past could never allow it to live past the past.   

I spoke greatly against a linear outlook in relationship, but ultimately, I only understood that in spirit much later.

Rethinking. A process I adopt more regularly these days.

Time Factor

We probably heard variation of this before; how much time do you need to figure out what you want in your relationship?

Time is neutral in that sense; it does not provide anything other than some reasonable buffer before putting forth commitment on our choice. In every sense of the word, time only serve to delay the process of making a choice, which entails all responsibility of having a choice made internally and expressed externally.  Decision is indeed a scary process because one of the greatest emotional fear known to mankind is the fear of regret.

Nobody wants to regret anything in life simply because we cannot go back to our past and undo them.  

But then again, it is critical (in reality) that we 'cannot change our past' because if we could - life will degenerate into some low quality computer game, in which we can always save and reload later. On the flip side of the coin: let us not forget that some of the greatest things that could ever happen to us in life often require us to first accept initial unpleasant changes - hence it may not always lead to a bad thing. 

The point I am driving is that time does not solve problems - choices do. The escalating discomfort from having gradual dissatisfaction in life will accumulate to a point of realization that time is actually a convenient excuse we use to avoid answering certain difficult questions in life.

We ended up making a choice not to make a choice. 

Aunt Agony 190612

Originally posted by Pangsehkia:

I used to have a girlfriend who was with me for 4 years. we got a couple of breakups but in the end we always patched up. It always ended up as either her or me contacting the other first. Recently about 4 months ago we broke up this time both of us seems to be determined about letting this relationship ends. I faced a pretty long and tiring 2 months of trying to forget her for real. She seem to have moved on as she got herself a new boyfriend and i seems to be able to forget crucial things about her such as her handphone number and have actually put this issue aside after the 2 months but recently i start thinking about her again and was tempted onm any occasions to give her a phone call or message her or something. (i went to check her msn profile to get the number) i know the chinese saying of "好马不吃回头草" but i am in extreme confusion on what to do now. i'm not sure why i start thinking of her again could it because one of my friends just start talking bout her again or my other friend happens to face the same problem of breaaking up with his first love or do i really still love her? Need some advice on whati should do here.




It must been a difficult period for you, especially since this breakup appears to be quite irrevocable in comparison.

Then again - why should the notion of breaking up be something that one could easily reverse the verdict? Kinda makes the word 'breaking up' sounds totally meaningless.

Perhaps as we review our relationship, we find all motes of bitterness, anger and disappointment too much for us to manage. Even if the relationship do return, the burden of these negative feelings does not vanish into thin air; in fact, everything that were swept neatly under the carpet before the relationship was called off - will spring back magically.

Do not be mistaken over the fear of loneliness for the desire of love. Since you shared that she has already moved on with someone else - the prospect of having this relationship with you again will naturally grow to be less attractive. If you choose to stick with your past, then every minute of that choice is an opportunity cost to a better future.

Cheers 

Time matters?

And tonight, Yunhaier shall discuss about a new topic: does the length of time matters in love?

Yes and no - but unfortunately, it is apt towards a secondary consideration given the fact that philosophically speaking, I would see Love closer to the realm of Empiricism than Rationalism, although it is still possible for the latter to be stronger for certain people.

Before I get the 'Dafug-ya-talking about' expression in front of your monitor, I shall explain in simpler terms.

If you are an Empiricist, love is more likely to be subjected/influence by experience than an absolute thinking process. It obviously grinds you more in the realm of emotions, which is subjectively based on the kind of experience you get when you spend time with somebody that is emotionally important to you. Surely, no relationship has ever foster without having some initial positive experience with one another - how the relationship is going to develop matters less in how the arising experience feels deep inside for you. For this, time is more likely to matter less.

If you are a Rationalist, then love is more likely to be objective (or rather, you try to find some universal law and apply them in your relationship). You are more likely to hold stronger views towards relationship in terms of values, perspectives and beliefs, while downplaying the experiential part of the relationship. There are more calculation, less risk and therefore, time is going to matter more because you don't want to waste time if you could possibly make do with this (relationship). 

Most people fall in between and oscillate between the two extreme. Sometimes, it depends on which 'mind' you are using. The emotional mind, which is a sucker for empiricism, or our logical mind, which feeds on rationalism.

Cheers