Aunt Agony 160310

Originally posted by Alpha Omega:

Currently i am in a very good relationship.

She is caring, understanding, loving, not materialistic, etc.

She also is currently in a good paying job and is earning a lot more than me, probably 1.5 times more.

However, here lies the problem, she comes from a very poor family and i do not.

I do live in an good surburb in the west side of Singapore and my family will soon acquire a condo in a prime area of Singapore.

I always somehow get this feeling that she is with me not because she truely loves me but because getting involved with me will move her up the status ladder in the long run should we get married because of my family background and her family background as well.

She has never openly mentioned something like this, but then again who would?

Are my fears valid or am i too paranoid?

Well she doesn't treat her family well, she used to live in a 3 room HDB flat but has since moved to an aunt's place.

In her family its survival of the fittest because i heard that when she was young her family did not even take care of her, did not give her allowance, and she was made to starve often from Secondary school all the way thru Uni.

Her parents are divorced which contributed to the situation.

The thing is, she has stated many many times if my current place will be where we will live should we get married.

Sure she has more earning power now, but she had a 3 year head start ahead of me in working.

I don't mind her background but i don't want her to have the wrong intentions because many people get discarded by their spouses should they fall upon bad times financially.

Besides i am not even thinking of the house and if we don't get it then we will move out to a HDB, but it seems like that is not the case with her because she gives me the feeling that she doesn't feel otherwise.

and if its not such a big deal then why she kept asking the questions on where we are to live? Is it really that bad to live in a HDB flat? because by her intention in asking persistantly if we are going to live in my current place in, it gives the signal that it is not acceptable to live in a HDB flat because she experienced my current place, even though she has been living in a 3 room HDB all her life.





Does she loves me for who I am or does she actually prefer my money more? This question is almost like asking if a newborn would end up being a criminal or a successful person.

You seriously will never know because it depends on how the relationship is being led, akin to how a child is being taught.

It’s interesting when people decide that they want someone to see them ‘for who they are’ when in reality they might exhibit a persona that depict the ‘self’ in which they actually reject as their ‘real’ self (in western astrology, this is probably attributed by the ascendant). If this is the root of your worries, then it is a problem in self marketing, much more then the personality of the person you have attracted.

Because, in simple, we attract the qualities we exude (CloUdiSm).

But it takes a lot of self awareness or enlightenment from others (due to our unconscious blind spots) to even perceive that phenomenon.

If this wasn’t the case, your issue actually lies with your point of selection. As a general statement: as much as a woman seek comfort in marrying ‘upwards’ and a man seeks pleasure in physical gratification, a relationship is but mutual exchange of needs, cutting across various dimensions. Surely, there must be existence of mutual needs before a relationship would makes any logical sense; there is no such thing as an absolute unconditional love in any love relationship – anyone making such a claim will end up in contradiction. Unconditional love in BGR exists only in relative sense, but never in any absolute manner.

First Law of love (CloUdiSm) states: it is we who choose our partner, not the other way round. Therefore, if this is the woman you have accepted as your significant other, then it will inevitable question your decision at the point of decision – why her then?

You must understand that love produces an interconnected dependency on both parties to function effectively. You have chosen her for your own individual reason – the question on the authenticity of her love based on your scenario may not be accurate. You know, it could also be equally plausible if I were to explain that your woman have deep underlying developmental issues during her early childhood, which caused her insecurity to project her thoughts in a certain manner, instead of a potential gold digger.

Perhaps you would like to understand her first. Fundamentally, if you want your woman to see you as ‘who you are’, then perhaps she might also want you to see her as ‘who she is.’

Cheers

Aunt Agony 150310

Originally posted by frozen-seal-heart:

ever since my heart was frozen... im getting more and more emo... i just someone that can chat with me... chat my heart out... i lost my dear one... i dont look into another BGR at all... for now.. i wish i can stand out from this dark clouds.... anyone?...

i used to live to the fullest... every moment is the best in my life... everything is wonderful... but it just collapse within 1 day... if you were me... can you take it and continue to life like normal?.... i lost everything over that night... my life... my dream... my love... even myself...

over that night... my dearest girlfriend died in hospital due to leukemia... she hide her sickness from me... she afraid i would leave her anytime... like her ex-bfs... she relieve the truth to me.. when she is hospitalize and have not much time left... i dont know the truth till that day... i was blinded for 3 months.... when i reach the hospital... she just say i love you... and she is gone... thats the last moment and words from her.... and i lost everything.... nothing else is left for me on this meaningless world.... what would you do?.. if you were blindfolded and the moment the truth is out... your lost everything... what would you do?

i tried to be successful.. i tried to forget about that incident... i tried to put it down... i tried everything... nothing works... my friends just say im lying... my friends just make use of me to score in their results... other then that they don even look upon me as a friend.... everyone just leave me... everyone hate me... make use of me... how am i going to be successful?... things are more difficult then before... everyone is realistic... too realistic... i thought of death... i even tried to sucide... but i have no courage... i dont know why... people like me... worthless... meaningless.. still living in this world... cause harm to everyone around me... everything is just pitch black..... where is the light of hope?... who is reach out his/her hand to me?... i wonder will there anyone willing to do so...

for 3yrs... i lied to myself... i can do better... i would walk out from this... im tired to do so anymore... 3 years... more then a thousand day... everyday wake up from my bed... i lied to myself... today will be a better day... but for now... im tired... im sick of it... i dont think it works anymore... believing in myself... i gave this up





Surely the there is a time and place for all things. Nobody is coercing you to accept the deal that life has thrown at you, but without the higher wisdom to accept that certain things in life are uncontrollable, we will always lead a life of misery because we will constantly be assailed with such phenomenon in life.

One can be emo, but one cannot indulge in self pity. The latter only seek to degenerate your mind and spirit, which you will find it ridiculously arduous to piece them together once such insidious value has sunk deep roots.

Firstly, you don’t aim for success without having to accept your circumstances from within because success often slipped from a man who can’t grasp properly. Paradoxically speaking, it is like telling a man to run when he doesn’t know how to use his legs. If you are unable to manage yourself internally, forget about the success you speak of. Success goes to the man who gains self mastery and self mastery first begins from self acceptance.

Surely, nobody said it is easy to move on, especially since your situation involved an involuntary separation of death. But in essence, it is the same as those who have divorced or have broken up inevitably because similar depression derived from the inability to continue the mutual relationship in a meaningful fashion.

The essence of such phenomenon denotes the impermanence of love, in which once the cosmic lesson is taught, the existence of the person will naturally disappear. The nature of such a relationship is often karmic (likely to be Saturn-influenced) and until we gain the necessary wisdom to pierce through this illusion that masked itself as ‘true love’ in our context, we will never be able to release ourselves from this emotional bondage.

Our learning in love is a series of stages; each relationship does not exist individually as finality to the whole, much more than a mere part within the intricate system. You don’t exactly possess love in a way you do for physical objects; it only seeks to teach, while you humbly learn or reject what it has to offer. By rejecting or denying your circumstance, it only creates a position where you would face emotional torment from the futile resistance, bleeding in greater amount until clarity appears.

Cheers

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Ontological View of Love

Upon careful examination, the ontological view of love will inevitably implore us to concede to the principle of non-duality in love. It's truly a deception to assign dualistic concept of love as an axioms, which will lead us to great confusion and distortion, resulting in the triggering of cosmic lesson to reiterate this non-dualistic understanding of love.

From separation into genders constructed through birthright, the concept of dualism will naturally arise; segmenting female (femininity) and males (masculinity). If love acts as the catalysis to congregate both feminine and masculine quality from an idealistic state of form into a matter, the existence of love thus served the teleological purpose of reverting this very nature of love back into a non-dualistic state.

Love is therefore two (in phenomena) but not two (in essence) - the principle of esho-funi.

I can't believe that simple understanding solved my fucking thought revolving the ontology of love, which troubled me for quite a while.

After graduation, I am so going back to project CloUdiSm and work on it.

Aunt Agony 210210

Originally posted by boi_cant tahan:

I had a close friend, two of them and one of them is a girl. Ok its like this, we treated ourselves like siblings. The moment we argue we apologize soon after or IF there's any argument, its will be a friendly type. This is how close we are.

As years goes by, i going to NS soon and she is going to study at NAFA. It hurts rather sad when we apart because we spent so much time together. Best friends forever curse. Me her and together with all our friends were like one patch. She and my other close friend are the only ones that really help me thru the trouble of relastionship of what i posted in the forum quite a few times long ago. Now i finally got a gf, thanks to my friends. And soon after, my close friends also had a steady. Ok now this is where my pain starts.

Dont know why but i recently get this sigh of emo feeling whenever i saw her and her bf together. Its like i'm thinking i should be that guy. I seriously dont get it, i got a gf but i dont feel right. My happiness feeling down whenever i saw her and her bf together. But when we talk, its like the best moment. Then when i saw her bf feed her with fries, i felt sad. dont know why. And i did the same to my gf but it seems normal. Just out my laugh and smile but deep down i felt nothing when i do that to my gf.

Is it me, did i miss the moment with my close friends? I mean we are 19 years old now. We can't possibly be BEST friends forever but i dont want that to happen but as if i had a choice. We been friends for more than 5 years how can i got this stupid feeling about her? pls help. Anyone of you got this type of situation before? and what the hell is this feeling?




Grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes it does happen; especially when we assumed that life will remain status quo forever and we adopt an inactive approach towards the flow of life. Best friends may one day become causal friends and causal friends might one day developed into best friends; such impermanence nature of relationship is largely decided by the nurturing of the friendship towards the direction both seek to work towards.

You probably had a thing for her, just that passiveness took away point of action. Perhaps in the past, the feelings manifested itself as 'best friends' - but your conscious mind choose to stop right there without risking to probe further than just the choice of maintaining a great friendship.

It was a choice made. But it did not lapse into an issue because your circumstances were different - she was single and you could still enjoy a sizable amount of attention and concerns from her.

But now the situation kinda evolved. Surely, both of you are still good friends, but your position as a best friend is divided. Perhaps it's a hierarchy lower. But even so, in a social context, it is only natural and pretty much 'justified'. Your frustration stemmed from the fact that you are unable to resolve this internalization in view of such 'naturally justified social position' and your emotions just react helplessly.

You were undergoing some relationship problems before you found your current gf. And now that you had her, your subtle dissatisfaction and normalization of feelings towards your woman could signify that your love may be dubious. I am not questioning the love that you share with her, rather, I am concerned with regards to the circumstances that lead the formation of this relationship.

There is always a danger in loving someone and not realizing if there was the love you thought it was when you first acquired it.

Like what Genie has mentioned, learn to lead a relationship and not stick your head out and observe somebody else's. Such an attempt only seek to reveal the nature of your love towards your partner and upon correction, you might face an inevitable situation of losing them because you don't see a need to develop it.

Cheers

一颗开花的树

如何让你遇见我
在我最美丽的时刻
为这
我已在佛前求了五百年
求他让我们结一段尘缘
佛于是把我化作一棵树
长在你必经的路旁
阳光下慎重地开满了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望

当你走近
请你细听
那颤抖的叶是我等待的热情
而当你终于无视地走过
在你身后落了一地的
朋友啊
那不是花瓣
是我凋零的心

Aunt Agony 010210

Originally posted by Jellyjellybean:

I've been with my bf for 4 months only and I think that I'm quite dependent on him, and I don't like that feeling.

On our 2nd month, my bf suggested a breakup because he wasn't used to being in a relationship and had commitment fears (because I'm his first gf). But after an hour of serious talk, we stayed together and for the past 8 weeks, we are a very happy & contented couple.

But recently, it's like a merry go round. Whenever I'm with my bf, it's bliss. But whenever he disappeared off the surface of the earth (sleeping, hanging out with friends, concentrating on his projects), I would feel very needy and lonely though I understand his needs to have his own time. Sometimes when he takes hours to reply me or his replies are cold, I would not be able to concentrate on my work and would often wonder what did I do wrong. I'm afraid that he would suggest a breakup again or something.

I did mention to him about my insecurities before and he assured that he loves me truly and he treasures our relationship a lot. I believe him but I still can't help feeling dependent.

It has come up to the point of affecting my studies because I can't concentrate on my work. Please help. (And he's entering NS soon, and I'm afraid I would become more cui after that).

How do I reduce my dependency on my boyfriend?



You have already partially uncovered part of the truth - in which you are insecure and hence the dependency.

Some people don't realize that they have a dependency attitude in relationship until they are into one - EVEN if they could seem to be rather independent during their single life. The problem revolves around the need to validate the existence of the relationship and the constant need to ensure that the relationship is not deteriorating because they have 'invested' and a failure in the 'investment' might presents a great repercussion.

To seek for reassurance is common, but if there's no justification to postulate constant reassurance, we might want to examine the condition of our thoughts and emotional state to understand the source of issue. His decision in the attempt to break up in the past would have fuel your insecurity. Although this is normal, but to give up everything and just revolve your life around him will inevitably create a situation where you become more depended on him.

To reduce dependency, you need a life outside that of your relationship. Take note that the real problem in inducing the earlier breakup is not because you had life outside that of your relationship, but because your guy is unable to emotionally manage himself. You can bridge those differences through proper communication and not axe yourself away from the natural things in your life.

Loyalty in relationship is very much an individual thing. For as long as both is committed and contented - the relationship will be there to stay. A completely satisfied woman cannot be seduced. Hence his insecurity is also unfounded.

You can't stop anyone from leaving. So instead of trying to tie it down and get burned by the friction, why not remove the worries and just enjoy the relationship just as it is?

Cheers

SYDC Comic Strip (16 Jan 10)

ROFLMAO!!!!

Aunt Agony 040110

Originally posted by J03r5

hie, my name is jason.

i share a similar story as would many people.

i have 2 best friends who are girls, both of them in the midst of ending their relationships.

but the agony that the breakup process puts them through is just something i cant stand for, yet i can only stand behind them and try to make them feel that there's a better tomorrow. not that it's working very well.

can someone offer me some insight as to how to make them see that there's a bigger picture to their lives or at least make them stand on their feet again?

As for myself, sometimes i come so close to overstepping the boundaries of being a best friend because i care for them so much more than i want to. don't take me wrong, it's not that i want to care less but i'm afraid that things would change if i made a false move.

many times, i've reconsidered my position whether or not my feelings exceed those that a friend should have. here's the thing, girl A is my buddy, in many ways like a brother. girl B is someone who sees me for who i am and takes me for who i am. both of whom i share my interests with.i hate to see change because frankly, i love having them both as my friends.

is what im feeling justifiable?




It's only natural for you to feel for your friends. Possibility of romantic feelings aside - people would naturally desire their good friends to lead fulfilling lives without misery. The Greek calls it Philia - but regardless, I think that is fundamental to any perception of how we define the role of a good friend.

Personal development of romantic feelings is not of a concern here - I am only concern about the pushing of personal agenda, especially with regards to the outcome of a breakup. As much as you think that you want to provide a 'bigger picture' for them to see, insofar to escape this seemingly 'hellhole' - we have to be cautious about what sort of 'bigger picture' we want to portray and if this is an assumption of our own personal 'bigger picture' or does it implied an unconscious hidden agenda?

We must be realistic and be constantly aware of our action because that will determine what sort of direction it will take when we execute them according to our thoughts. You are afraid to cross the boundary - this is the effect of leaving it entirely to our subconscious. Take note that it's nothing wrong to pursue the possibility of a romantic relationship with either one of these ladies, however the anxiety of your problem stemmed from the fact that you are not exactly clear in your agenda and the labeling of your friendship with them, which kinda created an unplanned situation of a 'conflict in double interest'.

In true platonic friendship, this wouldn't even have bothered you. Since it has, you might want to consider my two cents on a deeper level.

Cheers

Four Facet of Love

The pioneer breath of magic that give rise to the initial ideas being impressed onto matter - with matters being the relationship. How pristine in the world of forms preached by Plato, only to realize that matters, being the relationship, are but imperfection of the highest lofty image of ideas in love. Our inadequacy to manage this internal expectation often sink us into greater tragedy of love. Though painful as it seemed to inflict this awareness onto our soul, the delight in basking this sweet torment is an irony that promotes an emotional mind and defy rationality.

When Love begin its journey, it will surely encounter the four facet of love.

Four seemingly identical windows; four different dimensions.

We see ourselves in the first.
Only to give for our second.
After the third we receive,
Finally we understand the Middle Way.

- Yunhaier -
23 Dec 2009

Aunt Agony 161209

Originally posted by Chunhow:

All of us would like to meet our very own 100% perfect girl/boy someday. That someone special just to ourselves, with the X factor others cannot appreciate.

Recently I met my 95% perfect girl. I enjoy talking to and hanging out with her. but I think the missing 5% is the same reason which I broke up with my ex-gf for. kinda torn...

what about you people? ever liked/fallen in love helplessly with someone you suspect is not totally compatible with you?



Logically, it's fundamentally flawed.

If you have met someone who is 95% perfect - yet you choose to give her up because of the minority aspects of 5%, it means that:

i) The 5% component actually holds a lot more weight than 5% (it's probably 51%).

OR

ii) Your percentage is based purely on one or a couple of dimensions - in which these may be 95% perfect, but across ALL dimension, it still fails (average of all dimensions is less than 50%).

OR

iii) Your passing grade is 96% - so 95% is still a failed grade.

***

I find it amusing when people make claims like these - for example: this particular person is 95 - 99% of what he/she looks for, but because of that few percentage of 'flaws', it renders them 'flawed' and 'impossible' to be with.

Nobody is 100% perfect - the only 100% perfect person exist only in our imagination.

So it's totally a flawed concept if we demand a 100% perfect mate, when the truth is that we are not even 100% perfect ourselves.

Irony.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 061209 (Continued from AA051209)

Originally posted by Beneix

He has been going for medical check up. Full body check up after a bike accident recently and other digestive discomfort previously, in fact he has gone for so many check ups compared to me and my peers I get blur. Sometimes I will google or read up more and give him some advice on what to do to show I care but it feels quite silly since he is quite familiar with his own body. I think his health is deteriorating too but he reassures me that he has always been a bit weak and is used to this process.

Don't quite get the part I highlighted in blue? Don't think he is being someone he is not since obviously he is not the vain kind. Did I misread?

Am scared of going over the edge of showing him I am upset over his appearance and hygiene, that is why lately I refrain from commenting about anything. Only do it once in a while now. Maybe twice a month or something in a joking manner.

Is there a way I can approach this tactfully if I were to sit down and talk to him again nicely from one adult to another? Will I seem very demanding as a girlfriend?

I will not break up with him over this, it is not a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I dunno what to say. Take for instance two months ago I discovered two warts growing on his hand. So I told him best to have it removed. He visited a clinic and the doctor sent him off with some crap solution that did not solve the problem. He "report" back to me and the next week he visited another doctor who told him the same thing, that it will fall off on it's own.

The thing is, it won't even be there if he is hygienic in the first place. At the same time he really made the effort to "please" me in that manner so much so he needs some credit for effort. But that puts me in a difficult position because why would I want to hold his hand if there are warts growing on it!

Anyway the wart issue has been resolved but you get the drift. It is quite frustrating.



What I meant in my highlighted statement (If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew):

Our personality will regress back to equilibrium every time we go on default mode. By default we are 'like this'. However the only time we would evolve temporary is when there is a reason (social or not) to governs/shape our behaviour in certain unspoken direction. For example, you don't pee in public simply just because you need to relieve yourself. You will hold it, even if it means feeling uncomfortable.

If he is someone who does not bothers very much about his health OR personal hygiene by default, but took special attempt to look into the area during the chase - there is a high chance that he will just regress back to this 'default' after the relationship is form unless he has somehow learn to incorporate that into his core values.

I quote what you had typed:

[quote] now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. [/quote]

People only change and evolve if there is a relevant catalysis to ignite the first step and a robust structure in place to maintain this change. If there is no catalysis, there will be no change. Even there is a change, without a structure to maintain this change, it will regress back into 'default mode'.

If this is something that is affecting you, it is not something that you can resolve it by yourself. Relationship is called relationship because all problems are worked out between two parties - doing it alone is called compromising. If you decide that you wanna be 'nice' now, knowing that this will be an issue to you in the future - you are just sacrificing short term gains for long term growth.

You need to talk about it - tell him honestly that this is affecting you. Don't hint to your man; a strong, obvious, blatant, zhun hint is still a hint. If you are hinting, then don't expect real reply. Also, joking is not communication. If you joke about it, then your conversation will always be cast off as a joke.

Learn to talk. Learn to speak. Learn to communicate REAL feelings. Fix a date, tell him that you want to review this relationship after one year. Tell him to that you want to know his ideas and feelings about the relationship, as well as yours. Let him know that there is a potential issue from the way you see it. Put items on the table - make it conscious, not unconscious.

P.S: Some people feel it's difficult to do a HTH talk because we might hurt our other half. But I can tell you is possible to talk real feelings tactfully. I can't guarantee that things will be better after talking, but I can assure you that it will fail if you stop communicating.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 051209

Originally posted by Beneix:

Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go out. But within the first three months we got together, he started putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least ten kilograms over the past one year.

I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who nitpicks at his minor flaws.

Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to a stop due to his hectic work hours.

When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think he failed his IPPT too.

Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is shelved.

He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys. When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go along.

But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too! Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in 2010.

I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it go?

Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he is?

PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think he is just too lazy to keep fit.




Before I begin, I suggest that he do a medical checkup to ensure that he is minimally healthy. If his health is deteriorating, it might be a sign of other health problems.

***

One weakness in the process of dating is almost like being subjected to some carefully crafted marketing campaign urging you to purchase the product/s. The fact of the matter is that it often conceals the flaws of the product you are being marketed to and it remains hidden until you have bought the goods and review them personally.

Some guys often employ the modus operandi to upsell themselves - the promise of a brand that they think it would assist them to achieve a better positioning, but this upkeep cannot sustain itself simply because 'they are not like that.' If you reckon that trying to be someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having to 'overvalue' your position will inevitable force him to bite off more than he could chew. It will reveal in the relationship as you lead your love, in which I believe you are currently experiencing it now.

However, when we evaluate a relationship, we should always look at it from a holistic point of view. But we can only achieving this in a meaningful way only if we are brutally honest with ourselves. I do not believe that if one sees value in certain physical aspects of a person and that immediately makes him/her shallow. Because values are highly relative to our developmental pathway in life and because they are subjective, the morality of what makes a 'good' or 'bad' value in love will never come to an univocal agreement or definition that is universal.

The only note about values is that it is the association which our values are projected to manifest. For example, if you deemed that being fat is a negative trait, it is because you associate this trait with a group of related negative attributes (lazy/sloppy = lack drive = lack of ambition and self improvement, etc. Note that I am purely giving a random example and I am not explicitly stating that being fat absolutely have all of these traits).

Therefore what you are being turned off is more than just he 'being fat' but rather, by default, you might not be attracted to mates with such associated attributes. Therefore, I am establishing the point that one cannot be deemed as superficial just because our values are different.

I would like you to consider two thoughts:

i) If you have the intention to 'see the greater picture' and decide to compromise on your personal values of what you reckon as a suitable mate in view of a harmonious relationship, then do not seek to heighten any mote of displeasure to fuel any unhappiness, should you encounter any crisis/arguments during the course of your relationship in the future.

One positive point to note is that your significant other probably has other strengths that you are attracted to and these help to compensate certain flaws (or at least knowing that people are not perfect, it's a trade off). Remember, we should always review the relationship holistically and not adopt the concept of reductionism.

ii) If you can't, then I suggest you sit down and have real communication - both mutually realistic and achievable expectation of what both of you seek and look for in the relationship. The worst is when you reckon that 'all is well' when in fact it isn't. I do not believe in escapism because the worst of relationships often have such way of management (Especially Neptune-afflicted relationship).

Since it has already been a year - if you see that you are steering towards a potential storm, you have to decide if you want to redirect your course to safer grounds or heed blindly to an unknown squall that could damage your relationship irrevocably.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 291109

Originally posted by Coffeelindy:

if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her past?

if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?

when i got together with my bf, he told me everything about his past. i thought i could bear with it, but as time goes by, i start to mind alot of the things he did.
he had one night stand with a stranger. it may be common for people nowadays, but being a conservative person, i find it intolerable. needless to say, i am very affected by this unchangable fact.

He explained to me he did it out of pure curiosity. It was his first time doing it and the last. he claimed he did not enjoy it at all even though his 'erhem' felt good. i cannot believe. After seeing a woman naked, fondling her breasts, doing 'it' with her, and later chat with her on the bed with her being naked and also at the same time squeezing her breasts...and later still went to have supper together and back to the hotel and stayed until morning. So much time together and having such intimate actions...is it really possible not to be attracted to her at all? even not to her body alone? i really dont believe.... and i have been bothered by this constantly....

Anyone can suggest how can i overcome this? i really need help.



You are experiencing disequilibrium in managing your beliefs against this new input forced into your thoughts. Your difficulty stem from having to reconcile these two different set of values into a harmonious equation. Unless there is a shift of perception (or adoption of some newly constructed ones) - you will behave/react/feel in a way as if your boyfriend has cheated on you, which is of course detrimental to the growth of your love.

Personally, I do not think it's wise to share events that occurred in the past, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't value add the relationship. Some people think that they are being 100% open about themselves, but that's terrible one-sided because no matter what we think we have communicated, we are never 100% open. (Some people intentionally communicate such information, but that is another topic altogether and I won't touch on that here).

The other side of the coin (which is the greater evil) is that there are even more people who can't handle certain 'truth', even if it's in the past. I will explain a little: it's paramount that we maintain an open honest relationship with our current love. However the catch is that this responsibility only covers our current relationship - it doesn't mean that we should regress and extend this coverage into the past - ad infinitum.

The goal of love should always be forward looking - in regression, we could only seek to achieve little.

My lecturer once told me that when he was younger, he smoke pot - once. He doesn't like it and still grows up like any other law-bidding citizen in the country. Having to experiment it once doesn't make him a drug addict. You see, many people get into fights, steal or do stupid things when they are younger, but that doesn't necessary mean that they are potential violent murderers/robbers/thief (of course, unless the behaviour is reinforced in regular negative pattern and conditioned by their environment) because if so, most of us are in fact criminals.

We need to consider the component of a person's ability to evolve themselves, especially if it's just a one time off. Of course, this principle is less reliable if your boyfriend has history of engaging in ONS as compared to a one time off situation.

You are definitely entitled to your own beliefs and feelings. Just that, with all that focus onto his past, you could have spend that same deal of energy into making this relationship meaningful for the both of you.

Having a deontology belief, imho, does not relate to every case.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 261109

Originally posted by Downs:
Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. Hope i won't get flamed or whatsoever.
I don't really believe in true love. Is there even such a thing.

Not to offend anyone, but our parents may be together because of reliance. Reliance on one another over the years. And with a son and daughter they just got to carry it on.

Think of it. You can google it. Love does really fade over time, i read about blablabla chemicals that are produced when you "love" someone but it will get lost over time. If you get too involve with your "lover" but already lost your love for her, for example you have children, you wouldnt want to tear the family up. Thus you shut up, you carry on, try to be mr nice guy and try to love her back.

can someone please educate me what true love really is? a lifetime care for your partner with an unending desire for her? or is it just reliance over time and attempts to keep the peace.


How true is 'true'? And if there is true love - does it means there are 'false love' too?

The fact is that people are largely deluded by what they see on screen and apply them wholesale, momentarily blurring the lines between scripted drama and reality. What made it worst is that the notion of 'true love' is often a facade used by many love afflicted (development) individual to disguise some undeserving relationships or to perpetuate certain negative behaviors like abuse or possessiveness.

By words alone, it may seem a little illogical to believe in that notion, but in reality, people are actually accepting such diabolical belief in full scale. And this is rather a wide-spread phenomenon.

It is wide spread not just because people are unenlightened, but more importantly, they perceived karmic relationship as 'beneficial relationship' insidiously wrapped over by the pretty packaging of 'true love' sold to the world today.

People some times asked me 'Yunhaier, help me see if he/she is the one' (astrological perspective).

I always ask them "so what if I say no? What would you do?"

"Hah? No ah? Like that lor."

From there, it's obvious that my comments wouldn't have matter at all, therefore interestingly, why even bother asking? Rational sense would have stepped in if I said something negative to dismiss all that statements as unfounded, while blind faith will be reinforced upon something positively said by me.

So here's the truth: people decide how 'true' their love is by basing on their own construction of judgement. It is like the postmodernist perspective of reality (that we construct our own reality) - there is no univocal love that binds the superficial concept of 'true love' we gathered from the media - just much variation of the same concept, in which unfortunately is a belief that is susceptible to exploitation or obsessively held by the blinded soul/s.

The concept of true love is a classic deception.

Love is 'true' by our making; it is not given true as our prerogative.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 241109

Originally posted by God of Spunk:

i am a man of my early twenties and recently decided to further my studies after my national service. i am currently faced by what i consider to be a sticky situation concerning matters of the heart. my loyalty to my first and only gf having dated for a long time is being questioned and my mind is a horrible mess! though i never cheated on her before, i find it difficult overcome my strong desires and feelings for a girl that i met and known at my school.

i know i'm obsessed with her but she is indeed beautiful like a rare gem to me. i have noticed her for as long as i studied there. each time she smiles so sweetly it sends crazy sparks of love right into my heart. we are not very close friends but i really feel delighted during the times i am with her. initially i wasn't sure if she had a bf but now that i know for sure, i can't help but feel that she might not even want to be friends with me anymore if she finds out that i'm very much attracted to her. hence i was also holding back a lot when i was speaking to her. to make things even more confusing, i think she's really sweet to me and somehow flirted with me.

i thought over this and now i want to end things with my gf because it is not fair for her this way and i don't want be a cheating bf. i mentioned this to her briefly and somehow i have an impression that she thinks it is a joke. i'm not entirely sure if things can work out with my new found love and at the same time, i don't want to be the cause of a breakup especially since they were also a couple for a long time! how should i tell my gf in a gentlest way possible so she won't hate me forever? serious opinions / advice please.




It doesn't matter what rationale you provide yourself to drop your current relationship - for as long as you already have the thought of a life outside this relationship, the fate of this relationship is pretty much sealed.

The danger of stagnation presents itself as a risk to every relationship - not just a lengthy one. And a common misconception is that people always believe that a long running relationship WILL definitely fall into the pits of stagnation (although that's not always the case, but it is a different topic for a separate day).

The first love (relationship) often presents a problem - the problem of comparison. Without comparison, of course, we could just fly auto pilot with our first love indefinitely because it is a 'monopoly scene'. Of course, I don't mean to say that for as long as someone better comes along, everyone would leap ship - that's way too linear and simplistic to view relationship in that manner. However, because we are all subjectively human, all of us have a certain vulnerability in being attracted to certain 'archetype' of partner/s. And if someone in our reality portrays, in effect, a great resemblance to this archetype, there will naturally be a cognitive dissonance in comparing our existing mate with this 'prospect'.

Usually, I won't morally judge anyone on this sort of matter as it just doesn't make sense to me to remain in a relationship that you have already decided out. You see, the problem doesn't lie with the woman you are infatuated with - it simply reveal to me that your relationship is merely waiting for a certain 'x' catalysis to happen before it will perish into nothingness.

Many relationships are like this - they are functioning on the surface, but in reality, people are just waiting for 'something to happen' before they could officially pronounce it dead. The ironic thing is that we only need one reason to end the relationship; we don't even need circumstances. But the thing is that because we are all rational humans - our rationality is based on the need for some sort of 'empirical proof' as it's only 'rational' to construct a decision based on circumstances, which are best things we could offer as reasons for our behaviour.

If you don't love her anymore, that's should be about it. Everything else is superfluous.

P.S: You are like constantly peering out of the window and longing to break free - remaining in this relationship is but incarceration. What's the use of retaining yourself when your heart is already no longer with the relationship?

Cheers

Aunt Agony 201109

Orginally posted by Pebbly:

hello. I have a problem pls advice

I recently feel like avoiding my boyfriend because its awkward around him nowadays. I'm not being choosy or selfish (im so sorry if i sounds like it) but often i treat him meals and stuff. Isn't it weird? really sorry for being selfish but this is not what i was expecting. When we went to clubbing together with our group of friends, i caught him dance with other girls too but when i dance with some random guys, he scold me. And when the time comes when i finally had it with him, he gave me some stern warning that i will regret it if i broke up with him. I'm really scared. Even my friends asked me to not to do this and to continue on having a relationship with him. They asked me to endure a few months with him till he get bored of me or something but i cant wait that long. pls to the girls, how u break up with such a aggresive guy?

i really cant take it anymore. pls i really need help i do anything





Behind the facade of an aggressive man, lies a minaiture guy afraid of being hurt. Albeit he could have mask himself with the scent of aggressiveness that might allow him to score a win in a bar brawl, but he could muster no weapon against the intention of his woman desiring to leave him.

The thought of him being unable to keep his woman is almost a bruise to his raw ego - complete helplessness. This is a classic situation faced by many guys - the difference is that different people have different way of coping with it. An animalistic or 'lower level' way of managing it is to resort to the same sort of shield he exude to the world and shaped it as a threat to retain his 'partner'.

Love is emancipation and it cannot be contained by fist or anger.

The more he tries to work his strength, the further Love eludes from him.

You will eventually leave him, so what's the wait for?

Cheers

2/3 of the Race is finished

I have finished 2/3 of my academic race and thankfully, a break until end Jan next year.

Lots of stuff to do, especially reading.

I promised myself to go through the writings of Nichiren Daishonin during this term break. If I can go through at least 40 letters (which is a fifth of his entire writing) - that would fulfil my religious objective for this term break.

Next I need to catch up on my philosophical pursuit and to work on CloUdiSm. The crazy thing is that the more things I learn, the more dumbass I feel. This has become an addiction: I have this insatiable hunger for knowledge - the more I gorge myself with it, the less satisfied I feel. The less satisfied I feel, the more I will gorge myself. (Freaking SM).

I also promise myself to learn about value investing.

For dance - self work on techniques and if got time, I wanna go class!

P.S: And it's time to initiate my search for a more-related job. Must constantly remind myself that I cannot stay in SH all my life.

Cheers

Irony of Communication and The One

People tend to take things a lot harder as they grow older.

Start to realize that people around me are showing signs of acute (I certainly hope it isn't chronic) clinical depression. Where are the days where emo days are gone after a couple of meaningful dialogues and chilling out - even when we were once poor students with little luxury of life and have to resort to old school style communication?

In the present world we lived in: we have total mobility in communication - MSN, Facebook, mobile, HSPA+ etc. Previously, I only had a freaking pager that could only allow me 1 minute to alpha numeric on public phones before it cuts me off entirely.

Ironically, although we are more interconnected now, but strangely, the quality of our communication deteriorates. The prospect of this interconnectivity actually makes us less 'connected' with one another on a grander scale and it's just so ironic.

Maybe people are depressed not because they are not connected with one another - but because the quality of our support is weakening. Psychologically, somehow, we are much weaker than when we first begin, even though the rest of our body matured into full-blown adults. We came into society with hopes and dreams of our own bright future, only to be dulled by the soot of our drudgery circumstances, which are evidences of our poor grasping and learning in our own personal life developments.

In life, our primary perceived support are also gelded by the 'busy' reality of life. We realized we have less time for one another. And unfortunately, it's not because we are so caught up with our own problems, but because we are now intensively focus on gaining material wealth and accumulating surplus, at the expense of our own emotional, mental and spiritual wealth.

We have more, but we are not as happy.

In love, we used to date people just for the fun of it because we are able to let go things better. As we grow older, we begin to insist that love must run the way we want it to be and if it doesn't, we learn to cling onto love that mask itself as karmic relationship, thinking that he/she must be 'the one'.

People always asked me 'Yun, help to see if he/she is the one?'

Who the hell is 'The One?'

What is 'The One?'

The One can eat or not?

The only one I know is Jet Li and therefore nobody else is The One other than him. Bona Fide.



Nobody, even I, can tell you who 'The One' is - but certainly you and me can tell who is definitely NOT.

The only problem in the latter is convincing yourself.

“One doesn’t discover new lands without losing sight of the shore.”
- Andre Gide

I will gorge books until I start spitting letters

At first glance when Karen posted to me, I thought she was trying to tell me that she was pregnant.

Then I realized it was a little too far fetched

After proper analysis, I finally understood.

"AH Karen, next time when you buy Macdonald and is still hungry, please don't eat the brown paper bag that comes with it. It is meant to be a carrier, NOT a supplementary diet for your extra value meal. See la, eat liao puke all the shit."

P.S: Actually she is talking about my title. For her effort in drawing, I must blog it. ROFLMAO!

Between Compassion and Production

Had never battled so many instances of flashfloods gushing out from the eyes of others. So many things just happened. Totally deranged.

But I was glad that I made certain choices in life. You know... like placed on a spiritual test to choose between compassion and production... between good friend and work. Gawd, it was kinda difficult because I had just finished a massive event and there are much backlog waiting for me to clear (on top of all the urgent stuff). And the thing is that my sort of shit is the kind of shit that if I don't clear them regularly, it just piles up - nobody could help me to clear them anyway.

When I received the emergency button, I just paused for a moment. Yes I actually paused.

Then I started reasoning with myself.

"FUCK! Not like SH is paying you millions of dollars! Not like that additional 5 hours of work will rake in million of lines for the company. That 5 hours probably won't even stir a shit... but it will make tremedous difference to someone else."

My choice becomes apparent.

Realization

Interesting to see how Progressed Sun triggers the entire T-square, involving 4th, 11th and 7th house (with Venus, Moon and Uranus).

8 years ago when progressed Moon triggered the exact T-square, by conjunction of progressed Moon with Uranus at hard aspect - it wasn't easy as well.

What a realization!

东山再起

人一定会东山再起

Same goes for the blog.

New skin.

New life.

New beginning.

P.S: Business as usual from today onwards.

Aunt Agony 260909

Originally posted by kristovorus:

i know that there no absolute in such matters.. but i would like to hear from a different perspective.

Say theres A , B and C

A loves you alot, but you dont really love A that much; more of a platonic love
You love B alot, but B doesnt really love you. but is still willing to accept you

And then theres C, which is an unknown but stands a small but significant chance of being the true soulmate you've been looking for


My question is.. which is better? To spend you life with someone who loves you , or with someone you love?
Or to take a bold step into the unknown?

on another related but distinct issue,


I may not have lived for long, but I'm already quite dis-illusioned by the concept of love. Quite frequently i've been hearing of marriage problems and stuff. It seems like " i love you " now has an expiry date attached to it. Recently my father got a mistress, and it seems like my parents are divorcing. Now i'm quite worried about myself because the guys in my family seems to have a propensity to being fickle ( my grandfather's another one )

I am admittedly quite fickle-minded, which is something i want to change. Its like.. i like a girl.. then i chase her. But somewhere just before she falls for me, i have a change of heart due to perhaps perceived flaws or circumstances. Then i'm stuck with a girl who likes me but i do not anymore. I feel like a bastard and nowofdays i dont bother to act on my feelings anymore, just bury them deep and wait for the likings/crushes to pass.

What should i do? :(


Let me point to you the discrepancy in your thoughts -

You claimed that your grandfather is promiscuous. Then you discovered that your dad is like that too. And now, you begin to believe that you are showing signs of it, in which you concluded that you are also fickle-minded and could potentially be a promiscuous person, just like your dad and grandfather.

So what you are suggesting is that being promiscuous is hereditary or there is probably some kind of 'promiscuous' genes in your family. This is totally spurious and irrational.

It's not the propensity of being fickle, but the insecurity that manifest and disguise itself behind the reason of fickle-mindedness.

Your behaviour is not uncommon - it is a defensive mechanism provided by your emotions to reduce your immediate risk by having to cut the amount of emotional investment you will actively seek to invest in somebody once you have unconsciously decided that you have done enough to secure her affection.

The change of heart is a methodology to protect yourself, caused by the subconscious insecurity that is insidiously present in your life. Witnessing failing relationship around you reinforced this insecurity - the more your reality corroborate with the findings you have inevitable concluded, the worst this insecurity will eat into you.

This will manifest into a real issue in the future, if you do not have the self awareness to perceive and effectively address this rot.

Having witnessed failing marriage, even between your parents, does not mean that yours is going to end up like that. This self fulfilling prophesy driven by fear and paranoia will eventually become your failure in relationship. It has nothing to do with the frailty nature of relationship, but rather, the biased conceptualization which you have inevitably cramp yourself into.

Surely, you can always try to escape before you can settle yourself and commit to a particular person, but you will never be able to grasp the lesson of commitment until you have manage your insecurity.

If you want to learn about love, be prepared to take some risk in getting hurt and shed some tears - it's part of the growing up process in love.

Cheers

Flashbacks

Getting the flashbacks again.

I realized such phenomenon is the result of my thoughts having to exercise its freedom to break free from incarceration, which I have banish them all into my unconsciousness for eternity.

I call them emotional resistance - but the plea of these futile human emotions is totally wipeout by the onslaught of my growing vampiric nature.

I start suffering from periodic, selective amnesia. I start having this inability to recall certain things, especially those belonging to a certain past. I kinda discovered this it by chance - some things used to have great symbolic representation to me are now objects that is define namely by its function. When I tried to reposition myself in the perspective of what I used to live by, my mind, in fact, deny the attempt.

I had no recollection. Nothing whatsoever. And it's not just blog words - it's happening in my reality.

It actually took me some time to figure out that the emotional link is actually missing. Just some shade of blackness that construct little meaning.

Freud would term it as defensive mechanism.

Is this recovery?

***

I remember viewing a plateau of magnificent blooming flowers, of cyan, indigo and violent, cast over a stretch of land where love used to flourish. As far as my sight could carry itself across the horizon, this is where I knew as Love.

I remembered the gentle rain that nourished the fields of flowers, as it caressed my skin when the heavenly drops softly brushed past my hands; I tried to contain them among my lithe fingers as they fell upon Gaea's plain. It was playfully ecstatic as I shaped those magical moments with my awkward hands to fiddle with different texture of the tiny droplets.

I closed my eyes and felt beads of water drummed against my body, like hundreds of Pixes swarming around me. The coaxing rush of the pouring, ironically kept noise of the world away from the quiet heart of passion. As I gaze towards the ridge of mountains, I could see shimmering reflection of light emanated from its glacier-covered top, brillantly sending fascinating beam of dancing light back to where I stood.

I behold the beautiful scenary and was spellbound.

Yunhaier




好花不常开，好景不常在

Kalama Sutta

One of my favourite quote coming from Kalama Sutra.

If concept cannot be tested, then perhaps it's merely a concept that can be dismissed readily. After all, how can I prove to you something that I cannot prove it to you? - Yet this logic bounded many people unconsciously.

Reality is the best arena to put concepts into test - surely life is not eternal, but even such short time frame is sufficient to validate certain understanding and the never-ending pursue of truth.

***

Rely not on the teacher/person, but on the teaching.

Rely not on the words of the teaching, but on the spirit of the words.

Rely not on theory, but on experience.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

Do not believe anything because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything because it is written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and the benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

- the Buddha

Aunt Agony 070909

Originally posted by troubled,:

im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna get some response from more people.

i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick & thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite insecured & all.

until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away, & moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent break(ard nov last yr).

this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)

but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.

i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him or might make him regret. =(

what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like before?

& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities & you are at the bottom of the list?




The condition of how this relationship began wasn't exactly beneficial to its long term growth. Even if you did not explicitly state why this burgeoning relationship had to first exist in an 'underground' state - it subtly reveals a sort of love difficulty, smelling like what I would call a 'Neptune-affliction'.

The transitory cohabitation you had with him had a parallel reality; I will explain a little and then you might gradually form a logical portrait of your own circumstances beyond your current POV.

People leave/run away from their home for all sorts of reasons. The problem in leaving their household is not about leaving their parents per se - it's the instability that the situation carries with the person that makes him/her vulnerable. Hence naturally at first sign of trouble, you would seek shelter from your ex-boyfriend, because he is probably your next safe haven.

But what is probably unanticipated is that you would subconsciously be coerced to appease whatever situation or state your relationship is at, simply because you needed a place to stay. Although sex is almost assured on the bargaining plate, but seriously, it is more than just being physical. You are now stuck with a greater quagmire - the prospect of losing your relationship and finding another place to stay, if he should dump you for whatever reasons.

You claimed that you were perpetually insecure. So what would you do to manage this? Of course it would be you suppressing your conflicts and giving in into his requests - sexual or not. I do not deny that woman do have her own sexual needs and it would be unfair to say that only the man wants it. But should the notion of sex be more prominent in your situation, this is subconsciously one methodology that your unstable emotion employed itself to 'stabilise' your insecurity through the physical exchange, in hoping that he will stay true, while you still enjoy roof security over your head.

In simple, you have little mobility in your choice of actions.

The 'freedom' excuse he had conveniently cited is almost like saying 'I had enough of sex-at-home routine - I need life outside you for a change'. Now that change has happened, obviously he do missed the sex-at-home routine. The 'checking-back-on-you' strategy is just a facade for another possible occasion for sex, should it arise.

Why do I say that?

As much as you would like to think that you been through a lot of emotional times with him, it's more of how much you needed him than he needed you in reality. You see, he could effectively survive through his love life rather uneventfully, even without your presence. If there are drastic difference between his attitude towards you in private and in presence of a third party, I will explain this discrepancy in a brutally honest manner:

I) He needs the title of being 'single', so as to be 'socially eligible' in our society that values monogamy, to date other girls without being branded as a bastard.

II) He is exceptional nice to you in private because he has a hidden agenda and he doesn't want to reveal to anybody, in any ways. Basically he wants to avoid putting himself in situation where he would be 'questioned' by another person. No question hence no answers needed.

He reason for his refusal to patch back is simple. I will be equally brutal here:

"Why do I need to get back with her and shoulder the responsibility of a boyfriend when I can still get intimacy WITHOUT having to shoulder this responsibility? Surely, there are less sex, but there is STILL sex."

Then what's his way of keeping you? Yes! It is the hot-cold treatment! Being ambiguous is the key to prevent you from walking away completely, yet distant enough to deter you from coming too near. You are trapped in this cloud of confusion, so dense that you couldn't even maneuver. Hence remaining stationary is the perfect position for milking and emotional exploitation.

P.S: Your man seemed to display a tendency of being involved in a sub-rosa relationship. Somehow, he seemed to prefer a double life in aspect of his love relationship and is probably karmically linked to a Neptune affliction.

You need to get hold of your life in general and not seek for this anchor in your past relationship; you will find none in this illusion of grandeur.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 220809

Originally posted by Save*>*ME

Ok i just broke up . And i was wondering how do some people actually be friends with their ex ?

Isn`t it difficult being friends with ur ex when you see him or her and think then of the times you guys spent together ?

Am i not being to open about this ? But i really cant be friends with any of my ex. It`s hard after all that`s been said and done then in the end just ended up being friends .

So wise people out there pls tell me if there`s anyway i could change this thinking of mine



It depends on your personal belief on how you define 'friendship' and a 'relationship'. Of course, to most effective way to get along with life is to sever all means of contacts with the person. But the catch is that ultimately, such physical measures must be reinforced with other initiatives taken (reorganizing focus in life, getting to know new people, engage in new hobbies, etc), as well as a change in perspective - or it will result in sheer pointlessness akin to a breeze walk in a park.

One very important concept is to be constantly 'aware' of your thoughts and emotions, instead of relying on your subconscious to provide grounds for your feelings. The problem with most people is that they often decide that 'we will still remain as friends' but they would unconsciously behave and think that their position are worth than just that of a friend. The discrepancy in reality will force you to become miserable, almost like me dangling a cheese burger in front of your eyes, while you being consumed by an innate hunger.

Your circumstances creates an inability for you to grab that wonderful burger and gorge it, without being subjected to some form of love transgression.

This creates immerse emotional frustration and suffering.

It's impossible for a downgrade to occur (from a relationship to a friendship), with all other factors remaining the same. Even the most amicable breakup will probably experience some sort of subtle shift in adjustment, as well as perceived rights and position.

And the truth is that not everyone is capable of being able to remain friends with their ex-lovers - you see, some people just can't do that and I just want to tell you that it's normal/natural because people are developed differently in love (Without natal chart analysis, it's usually more problematic for Taurus, Leo, Aquarius & Scorpio).

Your choice of action must be in sync with the understanding of yourself - if you know that you belong to the category of people that just cannot remain as friends, then constantly putting yourself in situation, in which you KNOW you can't handle will only result in greater paroxysm of pain. Seriously, it's more than just a change in thinking - it actually involves your own personal values and beliefs, which is something that might not be as readily subjected to changes.

P.S: We learn more about ourselves through both the birth and death of our relationship. It acts as a mirror that reflects the state of condition about ourselves - the blind spots that we are unaware of. As we engage in introspection, we will begin to realize that we learn more about ourselves, than that of our partner/s.

Cheers

Greetings from Mum

Thanks Mum!

I love you too! =)

RIP Douglas

During Mediaworks days, I remember Douglas being the Mr Nice Guy. Someone with no air and pretty much down to earth. He could talk on equal terms to young people like us and occasionally get disturbed by these juniors whom he has merely acquainted in like one or two productions.

I mean I am not that close to him, but across board, among the weirdo people in the MW, he probably one of the few decent fellow around.

RIP dude. My prayers goes out for you and your family.

P.S: I still have this photo among my collection.



***

August 13, 2009

He drowned after being swept out to sea.

Two friends tried to save him but he swallowed too much water
By Ho Lian-yi

MERELY waist-deep in water and flanked by two other swimmers, danger seemed distant to Mr Douglas Lee and his two friends.

But an innocent post-meal splash on Bali's popular Seminyak Beach turned into a desperate struggle when the three were suddenly swept out to sea by a freak wave.

Mr Lee, 39, a Singaporean businessman so loved sun, sea and sand that he visited Bali with his wife every year.

On Sunday, he died there.

His two friends survived.

His body was flown back to Singapore yesterday at about 1pm.

Said Mr Michel Oosterhof, 42, a Dutch executive director: 'At first, I could see other people. Then, all of a sudden, we were alone.'

The 'strong waves' had swept them under and out an estimated 200 metres beyond the breaking waves into open sea.

They had only been in the water for about 10 minutes when it happened, and it took another five minutes before they realised what was happening, said Mr Oosterhof.

It was around 3.45pm, after a late lunch at a Seminyak beach restaurant, when the three friends decided to go for a swim at the beach in front of The Legian hotel.

The third man, Mr Arnaud Ferrand, 35, a French director of a sports complex, said that as soon as they surfaced, they could see that Mr Lee was struggling.

Both men swam to their friend.

They decided Mr Oosterhof would swim towards shore to get a lifeguard's attention, while Mr Ferrand would stay with Mr Lee.

'Twice, I went down into the water and pushed him up, because I could touch the ground with my feet,' said Mr Ferrand.

But when Mr Lee kept going under, Mr Ferrand tried to calm him down.

'I said, look, the lifeguard is coming. Everything will be okay. Try to swim, and relax,' he said.

Mr Lee was an 'average swimmer', according to his friends. But his head kept falling below the water and he drank a lot of water, said Mr Ferrand.

'He was not screaming. He was just saying, 'help, help',' said Mr Ferrand.

Meanwhile, Mr Oosterhof managed to catch the attention of a lifeguard, who swam out with a board measuring about 1m by 40cm.

He reached Mr Lee and helped him to shore. He would be the first to reach the beach, at 4.30pm.

'(Mr Lee) was still okay when the lifeguard arrived,' said Mr Ferrand.

Two more lifeguards followed with full-sized surfboards to help Mr Lee's two friends.

Struggling against the current, it took them nearly 20 minutes to make it back to the beach.

As he swam back, Mr Ferrand could see a man receiving CPR from a lifeguard.

'I couldn't believe it was (Mr Lee). I thought it was somebody else...'

Mr Lee and his friends were part of a group of 10 people who were in Bali for holiday.

One of them, marketing manager Kuek Wei Min, 29, was about to join his three friends in the water when he was called back by a lifeguard.

Strong undertow

'The water was only calf-level, and I could already feel the drag,' he said.

Five minutes later, he saw someone being pulled to shore. It was his friend, Mr Lee.

'I ran back to the ladies, about 150m away, shouting, 'Doug, Doug, Doug!' I couldn't find the words to express drowning,' he said.

Mr Lee's wife, Ms Vanessa Kwek, 28, a finance manager, was distraught when she found him on the beach. A lifeguard and a French doctor who happened to be there was giving Mr Lee CPR.

It was around 4.45pm when the other two men reached shore. But they faced further difficulties when they tried to get an ambulance from the only nearby clinic.

'There was only one doctor and he was attending to a patient,' said Mr Oosterhof.

As a doctor had to be on the ambulance, they couldn't send an ambulance immediately. The hotel manager at the Legian decided they could wait no longer, and drove Mr Lee to the clinic in a car.

There, they were transferred to an ambulance and taken to Sanglah Hospital in Denpasar. Mr Oosterhof said it was 5.40pm by then.

Mr Lee was declared dead on arrival.

Bali Police spokesman Budi Sugianyar said: 'He was swimming in a dangerous area where there were red flags up warning of strong currents and no swimming was allowed.'

He said Mr Lee was also overcome by strong waves.

Mr Ferrand said they did see a red flag when they first walked to the beach. That's why they walked about 250m, towards the The Legian, where there were about 30 people in the water.

That's where they saw red and yellow flags, which they believe meant it was an area protected by lifeguards.

'If it was really dangerous, the lifeguard would have called people to come back,' he said.

They also wondered why there was no proper safety equipment for the lifeguards, or a watch tower, or other facilities routinely found in beaches in the Netherlands and France.

Cinematographer David Lee, 47, one of Mr Lee's three brothers, said: 'If the lifeguards had jet skis or a speedboat, he would still be alive.'

Seminyak Beach is one the more popular beaches of Bali.

But there have been many deaths in the waters off the beach because of strong riptides and unpredictable currents.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tributes pour in from friends and celebs

MR DOUGLAS Lee had it all.

He had started a new business dealing in solar energy solutions. He had a beautiful wife of five years. Less than two years ago, she gave birth to their son, Ashton.

The couple was planning for another child.

Said his wife, Madam Vanessa Kwek: 'He was a great parent - better than me anyway. He was a great father.'

He loved music, and had been practising on a DJ set at home. For his 40th birthday next February he had wanted to debut his newly-acquired skills at a party.

Mr Lee was the youngest of four brothers. His mother is 76.

His brother, cinematographer David Lee, 47, said she would always cook something special for him when he came home.

He waited till Monday before breaking the bad news to their mother.

On Douglas' Facebook page, there were numerous messages of condolences from friends, some of them local celebrities.

He'd worked previously at SPH MediaWorks as a floor manager (before heading to MediaCorp).

Shaun Chen, 30, MediaCorp actor, said both he and his wife, actress Michelle Chia, were devastated by his death.

He said: 'Douglas and I were great brothers, we went through thick and thin together. During my darkest days, when I was retrenched by MediaWorks, he was there for me all the way. We'd hang out regularly, chill out over drinks.

'Michelle was close to him as well. Both of us attended his wedding two, three years ago and it was a really grand, fun affair.'

Evelyn Tan, 35, a former MediaCorp and Mediaworks actress, said he was 'everyone's favourite guy'.

She said: 'Douglas was one person who livened up any party because he was game to try anything.

'I remember years back, before my marriage to Darren (Lim, the actor), my friends threw a hen party for me and he was the only guy who had to 'sacrifice himself', you know, do something silly to entertain us gals.'

Actor Adrian Pang, 44, said: 'He's really one cool dude, with his semi-shaded glasses, tinted hair and stylish way of dressing; yet, it's not show-offy at all. The Douglas I know had always been very down-to-earth.'

I am Evil

It's interesting how life unfolds itself simply by allowing time to manifest the eventual phenomena.

Things that cannot sustain itself will reveal its aperture and gradually crumble into nothingness. People might lie, but time doesn't. In fact, it reveals the truth.

I met WY the other day when he came back from US. Although he has somehow enlarged himself physically, but our thoughts and perception on various matters in life is still running on same wavelength. Throughout the conversation, there were many exchange (as usual), but there was something he said that day and it clinged onto my flow of thoughts and emotions ever since.

'You know... when a man decides to be loyal, his woman will choose to see it as a weakness.'

I can understand the sort of shit that was thrown into his face for him to be able to say something like this. In that moment, I could see old scars in his eyes. Then, the effect ripples and it rings a bell on my experience too. Not that I am an absolute empiricist for the rationalist side of me would have flipped open CloUdiSm to defray part of the explaination on the above claims. But the problem is that emotions are 24 times stronger than the mind, sometimes it just too difficult to dismiss experience like a simple wave of hand.

In retrospection: in the past and I would conveniently brand myself as an asshole. I won't go to the long and short of it, but there is an important conclusion gathered from this:

People only remembers and appreciate the good that one does if you are a bastard. I experienced this repeated number of times - when you are an asshole, people remembers you for the good that you did because asshole are not suppose to be good anyway.

When I was young, I was like a semi-misogynist - I didn't know where it came from, but it probably stemmed from the view that woman are just too troublesome and problematic in their own ways. I was pretty much nonchalant and evil in the way I deal with them because I just phucking don't give a damn.

And you know what? People remembers you for it! Mystically, in a good sense! Vanda misses the times when I kicked her ass. Wtf. Even the guys are not spared - people who suddenly misses my presence and tells me so - both man and woman. And ironically, these people are the very people whom I have scolded, said nasty things, kicked their ass or just by being my fucking evil self to them.

You see, I have officially declare that everyone has a subconscious SM streak in them.

In reality, evil calls the shot - nobody remembers the one who does good anyway.



Cheers

Aunt Agony 050809

Originally posted by Chipmuck:

Roughly 18mths ago, I met a married man via msn. Somehow he had been in my contacts list for very long and but we never really chat. Then one day he suddenly initiated a chat and this is how we began. I clearly remember it was so when near his birthday (01 May). He told me that his birthday never once a perfect one as everyday there's a birthday but I begged a different.

He was sensitive when I first met him but when days go on he had changed or perhaps I don't know him well enough. This man drove me insane. There's a lot of things happening between us.He had changed my life. I did a lot of things for him yet to him is only a game. Sometimes I don't understand what is a man's feeling?

My first abortion was about 10mths ago which belong to him and without giving a thought and the only replied from him was abort it. That made me so guilty and regretted that I believe him and went for an abortion. He did not accompany me to that abortion but was at a golf game. Neither had he come up after his golf game to show his concerns. That made me turned to alcohol every night.

At that time of point, I'm having issues with my family members as my dad's health was getting bad. I got to hide my abortion from him which was pretty difficult. Dad noticed me abusing alcohol daily and started to ask why. My replied was I am fine. My dad given him a nickname calls "Chipmuck". After my first abortion, we had lessen our meeting as he always claimed that he's busy due to slow market (Run a PI car in the north) and I finally knew that it was excuses.

2 months after my abortion, my dad passed away. I was lost and didn't know what to do. I believe my life got to be rough and tough down the road. On the first night of my dad's funeral, he came down. Not to console me but telling me what happened between his wife and him. All I can do was just to listen.

I'm not a prefect woman but yet I still had my feelings. My feelings to him were like a trash. I was pregnant again from him. This time I do not know how to bring up to him because I knew his answer will still be aborting it. I was lost again but I told myself I will not abort it again hence I turned to my friends.

This news travelled to his wife's ears and got him pissed off. He came down with 3 men to confront me. His friends did not do anything to me but their words seems indirectly insulting me (maybe I'm too sensitive).

Throughout the whole meeting, Chipmuck had been cursing and swearing there. Scolded me will a lot of unwanted remarks and claimed that he do not want to see the baby to be born. I clearly remember one thing that he told me was "My wife wasn't a simple woman, between you and me were merrily a game."

I was disheartened. He lied!! Once he told me that when have me around he felt that I'm too sticky and without me around he felt werid. And the next moment he told me between us were merrily game.

I were so upset and left Singapore to Perth. In Perth, I were enjoying the relax lifestyle but it doesn't help at all. I heard he was telling others that what I'm carrying is a bastard and got nothing to do with him. I'm can easily go to bed with others that pissed me even more.

I was thinking that I want him to own this up and go for a DNA test. Is there anywhere to get his name on my son birth cert even if we are not married? I don't even know what I'm doing and I tried to call him a lot of time but he refused to answer. Why does he got the guts to tell others but not me?

I'm on my 7th month pregnancy, I was thinking if I will bring my son to his office after I have deliver and make him own it. I don't expect anything from him but I want to let him know that my son is not a bastard. Now my love to him had became hatred.

Can anyone advise me what to do? If i turn to my friends again, they will definitely stand by my side. I need a natural reply without judgments.




I am seriously worried about your choice of actions. If you re-read your own post a couple of times, you could have realized that you have made decisions that often resulted in putting yourself into dire consequences, which you end up paying dearly for. This payment littered with misery and much emotional turmoil.

Your alcohol consumption merely suggested an avoidance mindset and gradual impairment of your judgement, which is a common behavioral pattern for an individual in a deceptive relationship (affliction in Neptune). Please avoid abusing alcohol (if you haven't stopped) because you will end up creating another set of problem for yourself. At this juncture, your plates are way too full to introduce another set of issues to digest.

Your emotional instability would have contributed to your lack of insights and awareness to remove this man away from your life for good. And this is in fact a classic karmic relationship - albeit our actions might seemed like pretty random decision/s shaped from our thoughts - but the constant fueling of this extremely disruptive relationship over and again, only suggested the karmic ties that bind you towards him, in a vicious debt cycle.

His needs are quite simple - he is having a bad marriage, hence he naturally seeks for transitory comfort outside - for both sex and emotional dependency.

Because you too have unresolved needs, you provided him the platform and this breathe life into the entire sub-rosa relationship.

If you have thoughts to engage in any form of a relationship with someone that is unavailable (especially married) and if you perceive that you will be happy with this arrangement - this delusional outlook will guarantee you nothing but misery. Your cosmic lesson only needs to teach you once - however, if you find yourself having to learn the same grade more than once, you know you are in some serious delusional mode that needs immediate attention, clarification and enlightenment.

Your decision to give birth to this child carries a dangerous agenda. It has now evolved into a weapon spawned from your hatred. You must be aware that the child, regardless of the circumstances that he/she is brought into this world, is innocent (although surely the karmic relationship between you and your child would definitely be intensive).

Having friends to stand by yourself side might be the kind of emotional support you really need right now, but ultimately, it's the unresolved issues nesting within you that needs to be tackled. You see, at the end of the day, your decision in wanting to proof to him that the child is his, only acts to deepen your own pain and suffering and does nothing in value to relief your situation.

You have made two unwise decisions so far (sex without protection that got you pregnant twice) - please do not let yourself sink into another bout of folly in name of hatred because mark my words, you will only have more to lose.

Your decision should now revolves about thinking how you are going to take care of this child. Everything else is superfluous. Raising up this kid is going to be one REAL issue that you have to manage (you can't depend on that jackass anyway).

Cheers