Just for you

I realized I am getting acrimonious about my circumstances; something that I detest to see myself falling into.

Not surprisingly, considering how scums hide themselves in shadowy path while I strode on light.

As much as you reckon that you are quietly observing me from where your monitor is and displaying your pathetic keyboard warrior skills, let me reveal to you a shocking news - you have been under observation way before your brains could smell detection. Same goes to everyone of my bitchling contacts; they know who the hell you are, even if fire seared your face until it resembles your sad ass; you are a KNOWN entity.

I witnessed how you moved like a scully rodent, happily gnawing your way to where you think the cheeze went, totally oblivion to the fact that you are actually being led by the nose. You reckoned that the prize you seek is near, but in reality, very much further than you think it is. In fact, I doubt you will ever succeed in attaining even a fraction of what I had done.

I absolutely abhor imitators and I spit at you from the very depth of my soul with utter disgust and contempt. You know what? Interestingly in your subconscious, you were wishing that you were in my shoes - not in the literal sense, but from an abstract thought and POV (if you could comprehend my meaning).

Your futile effort and relentless spirit is ignorantly commendable because you will come to an epic realization that you will never achieve anything out from being a servile, hardworking manwhore. Even should you succeed in your attempt through sheer slavery employment, your short-lived contentment will be almost like a stray dog's quick lapping of milk, slipped carelessly from the edge of its master's lips.

I am not saying it as an taunt, in fact, if you think hard enough -you will see truth in my words.

P.S: I am so confident that you will read this. Among those that are not invited here, I am so fucking sure that you will self-invite your presence.

Aunt Agony 160709 (Follow up on AA 280209)

Originally posted by Jerry1:
Hi Folks,

I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?

I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..

I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.

I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (不要对我这样好就可以了) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.

Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累！很想找一个来依靠。。可是原来世界不是我想象那样完美的咯！兜了一大圈原来到最后全部都是假的。。。所以我开始越来越不相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女孩子而已，难道要找一个真爱那么难吗? 我付出的我从没有要求回报过，可是到最后我给人家弄得多么残吗？别人把我当傻瓜。。)

After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.

I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..



Your association with OCD might have suggested generic links that might actually require intervention on the biological aspect of your issue other than just tweaking of psycho-social environment. To improve your overall competence in handling your own crisis, you might want to seek professional consultation to decide if your OCD is making a comeback.

If biology is indeed part of the influence, then there’s only so much your environment could do to reassure you. Only your psychiatrist can decide if medication or other form of intervention is needed to improve that aspect of your vulnerability.

However, for everything else, in name of all that mistrust (which you have decided that you can’t help but feel this way), it is but a devil in your emotional mind that constantly play tricks on your negative feelings. Your negativity will perpetuate a self-fulfilling prophesy and you will likely end up immolating your own relationship, even if it originally doesn’t steer towards doom fire.

The relationship doesn’t need another person to ruin it – by the natural flow of situation (without considering other factors) - this person will end up being yourself; you will suicide this relationship with your doings.

You see: she doesn’t need to cheat you – your mind would have probably succeeded in cheating you first, by distorting your reality and providing you deluded perspectives. For love cannot be chained – your effort spared to investigate her daily living will promote mistrust between couple and over the time, this behavior will consume you like how a demon would ensorcelled a foolish seeker to give up his soul.

Between Love and Fear – when you end up losing this relationship – Fear would have glee sadistically at your decision to believe in its false reality. And Love, which has the potential to blossom into a great relationship, is now nothing but withering and dead, with multiple stab wounds punctured by a blind man.

Love is blind – because most people end up destroying their relationship unconsciously. One that walks with no vision is no different from one that walks with no self awareness.

Both are blinded, albeit in different state.

Cheers

Kayla x ShrodingersCat x Yunhaier

Originally posted by Kayla:

Apparently, I have fights (verbal) with my uncle almost every single time he's at home and he's really going over the top (making lots of noises and deliberately trying to damage stuff like the kitchen sink)

- He's currently staying with my family cos he isn't married (my grandma's house)

- He's always annoying me, my sis and my grandma (always asking questions repeatedly like "have you eaten" or saying lame stuff like "hello" when all of us are really busy with our own stuff and there he goes talking crap here and there

- He kept saying that me and my family (parents and sis) should just get out of the house cos this house's his (btw the house's under my grandma's name)

- Unemployed, stays at home most of the day talking crap and cleaning (using water as if it's free and the more we tell him the more intentional he gets)

- Another note: it's my parents who are dealing with the daily expenses and monthly bills (he doesn't pay a single cent)

- Gets money from my mother daily (if no $$, he will get keep on ranting on to my grandma so no choice)

- Tries to get money from me and my sis too

- Sometimes pretend to be sick to get money from my mum to see a doctor

It's as if we can't "offend" him bcos we're afraid that he will hurt/annoy my grandma whenever the family's out.

So um, after much contemplation, i've decided to seek some advice here on how to really deal with this guy who's really causing lots of troubles and headaches for us (finances and also mentally)


Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:

I used to have an uncle like that. From young, I would see him demanding money from my grandma to buy cigarettes. It lost my respect for him when I was young and since about 7 or 8 years old, I never greeted him or called him 'uncle' until he died. He used to like to talk 'rubbish' to us too, asking inconsequential things, but by behaving very rudely to him - he stopped.

I felt he was such a loser. No job, dependent on my grandma, and everytime we visited, he would be just there staring out at the corridor, smoking his endless chain of cigarettes. HOW to respect someone like that?

Well, one day, on our way home, my mom received a call from my grandma. My grandma said that my uncle had committed suicide.

You know what's my first reaction? Not pity - it was 'walao eh, that stupid loser die also must cause pain to everyone! especially my grandma!'

We went to my grandma's house immediately. For hours that night we were busy with the police, busy with settling all sorts of things.

While the 'elders' were busy, I was sitting there looking at this toy helicopter he left behind. it was a cheap helicopter, can only run round and round and round on the wheels. and the wheels were worn out and dirty.

Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round.

Throughout the funeral, little things about him came out. How he was the one who would cut my grandma's toenails for her. How he always helped her to clean the fan. How when he finally won a 4D prize (he buys them endlessly with her money), he bought a painting for the house. How before he died, he knocked at my grandma's door and asked her to talk to him because no one else did and she is the only one who bothers to.

And u know, now that I am typing allt his, it has been years and I still feel so sad because I realised I was just one of the people who have killed him slowly and surely all those years. I wondered if he was autistic, that is why he simply couldn't get along with people very well. He never asked the correct questions. In fact, towards the end, he never talked to anyone of us anymore. My mother told me he had been like this since he was young.

Would things have been different if I had been a little more patient, a little more tolerant? Take him a little less personally? I mean, besides being really 'irritating' and irresponsible - what else is he REALLY guilty of? is he an evil or bad person?

And if he is not really a bad person - why did i treat him the way I did? Cos I felt 'self righteous? That HE shouldnt be treating my grandma that way? Does it make me a better person than him?

His death taught me a lot of things. But I am very sad and ashamed that it takes a loss of a human life to teach me what I needed to know.


For a wasted life, in that moment of retrospection - nothing is truly more regretful. A human life, born out of rational mind and fed by substance of the earth, only ended up leading an meaningless life from cradle to grave - until ashes to ashes. By Nichiren Daishonin's term, it would probably meant that the unpolished gem remained unpolished, yet constantly assaulted by dirt and buried even under thicker layers of soot. Even until the day of his passing, he probably never knew what he inherently possess and the possibility of an individual in the creation of a legacy and divinity of one works that could surpass even the duration of our limited time.

I like that way Cat analysis and pen her words:

"Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round. "

There are so much one individual human being can hope to achieve, on the other end, one can also spent those time, aimlessly wander in limbo for all the time one can hope to achieve.

The world revolves at a much faster pace these days; so hasty that we are often unable to conduct a good conversation with another human being. Conversations are gradually filled with superficiality; although it is part of what a fast-pace society would do to communication, but it render human relationship less authentic and intimate and cause them to break down easily. I said this to someone 'in our reality, nobody has the time to sit down and listen to another person life story because this is the way how the world has work. Nobody gives a damn about your problem because it's not their problem'.

Alienation in words of Karl Marx and Weber are real phenomenon of society.

I remember a few weeks back, when this man (almost a stranger) came up to me and asked me what it takes to be a social worker. We had very good exchange, right in my office, where the world whizzed pass us with urgent requests and pending tasks to be completed - however, I still made the attempt to speak to him, even if that means I have to work later just to complete what I needed to do.

This man was much older than me (maybe almost ten years), but his visage revealed a worn-out man - someone who faced daily drudgery almost to a point of exhaustion. I questioned him and he naturally poured and shared with me some personal aspects of his life. Seriously, I have to thank him for the trust he has with me (you must understand that I am also pretty much a stranger to him as well as he is to me).

I realised I always end up playing such roles no matter where I went. Even at the brink destruction of my own relationship, that never cease. I met a few people during this low-period (you know who you are) and I must thank you for the time you have taken to be with me, even if it's just your presence, comforting words, prayers or intended lameness.

By doing so, you have tacitly revealed me that I am not just alone in a room, watching my helicopter spin all day round. :)

Cheers

Irenicus and Ellesime

"No Joneleth. You shall not."

"Who? Ellesime?"

"Yes, it is I, your Queen. Twice, now, you have attempted this sacrilege and nearly destroyed us all. You will not do this again, Joneleth"

"Do not call me that! I lost all right to that name when the Seldarine stripped me of everything that was elven, as you well know."

"And what shall I call you instead? 'Irenicus'? 'Shattered One'? Yes... it was a terrible punishment. But you violated everything we hold dear. You nearly destroyed us all! And for what? Power? Is that all that you exist for now, Jon?"

"It is all I have now, Ellesime. There is nothing else beyond my revenge. Revenge for what you did to me, what the Seldarine did to me!”

"And your revenge has poisoned your heart. The Tree touched you once, long ago. Do you remember nothing of it? Is there nothing in your heart that remembers love? Is there nothing within you that remembers our love? What we once shared before this obsession doomed you?”

"I do not remember your love, Ellesime. I have tried to. I have tried to recreate it, to spark it anew in my memory. But it is gone... a hollow, dead thing. For years, I clung to the memory of it. Then the memory of the memory. And then nothing. The Seldarine took that from me, too. I look upon you and I feel nothing. I remember nothing but you turning your back on me, along with all the others. Once my thirst for power was everything. And now I hunger only for revenge. And... I... WILL... HAVE IT!!”

“Then I pity you, would that you had used your stolen mortal years to earn your return to this sacred place. I could have loved you anew, as I loved the man you once were. But I see nothing of him here. You are Irenicus. And all that awaits you now is death.”

“We shall see, my former love. We shall see. You had your revenge, my once Queen, in leaving me alive, in taking away what made me the person I once was. And in taking your revenge, you enabled me to have mine. Even should I fall here and now, you will always remember that, I think. But should it pain you too much, then you know the cure. Perhaps in time, you will long to feel nothing.”

Aunt Agony 150609

Originally posted by Luvslegna:

I'm getting married, but...

I seem to have fallen for this guy...

what should i do?



You have your relationship (potentially a marriage) to consider, yet your heart has conjured another space to fill in another person into the picture.

This dark secret hidden in your psyche - you must decide if it's a push or pull factor that is causing your plight.

Often, people fail to see that their relationship has already been doomed long ago, resulted from malicious causes that have inflicted irrevocable damage. Just that the decision to leave their relationship wasn't effected, until the advert of a catalysis to change (in your situation, it might be the person you have fallen for).

Our monogamy society is such that a heart cannot house love for two separate individuals, just like 'a mountain cannot be home to two tigers'.

You got to decide what you need and stick with it.

Remaining in the best of both worlds (or status quo) will only promise you greater misery, hardship and karmic repercussion.

Cheers

Decision

I have never made such a necessary painful decision in life before. Never.

I finally experience the epitome of conflict between Mercury and Venus; of the mind and the heart.

Congrats Yun: you have gain a level of abstract understanding to incorporate into your extensive lore of love philosophy - at the cost of sleepless nights that drenched your face in salty wet, accumulated from droplets of unfettered tears tumbling down your misty eyes.

P.S: Just for this moment only: fuck philosophy.

I am so tired

Managed to pen down Greater Lost Syndrome in CloUdiSm - and I have found my backing in non-univocity of love with teleological reasoning through Aristotle concept (although he used it to explain soul and living being).

I kinda amuse myself with the thought that we had similar ideas even before I studied his stuff. If great mind thinks alike: whee! I am honoured. LOL!

Must work on CloUdiSm to catch up on all my pending sub-works.

P.S: I am exhausted. I need rest.

Cheers

Continued from AA 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.

All,

I'm not afraid of changes in the future but I'm afraid of the immediate changes when I asked for a divorce.

Anyway, I need to solve my 'meekiness' first and all the emotional baggages that I feel everyday.



So what if I have capture your fear? But you have capture none of my meaning.

I will quote your words and share with you a story:

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

[Quote] Hi Yunhaier, you captured most, if not all my fears. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to be immune to my wife's response.[/Quote]

***

There was once in a meeting - one marketing manager was arguing with the finance advocate.

"Hey look, I need the money to run my campaign"

"How can you expect me to give you the budget if you don't show me the result?"

The marketing manager got pissed. Ane he retorted:

"How do you expect any results if you don't approve my budget?"

And the argument continues with no conclusion from both end.

***

Chicken and egg issues.

There is no such thing as complete immunity - there's only firm decision in doing what you want to do and to stick with it vehemently. To decide that you will only move if you have full protection gear, immunity, vaccine jab against H1N1, defensive equipments, body guards and absolute clear weather - you will never be able to move at all.

If you don't learn to make decision, then be prepare to stay in for another seven years.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 280509

Originally posted by Pure03white:

Hi everyone, i would like to meet girls and guys experiences for post break up.. Many thanks to you if you reply sincerely. I would appreciate so much for your advises.. Or do you have any experiences pls share with me your views of my problems? Thank you so much!

My ex boyfriend is 21 and i'm 23. We dated for 9 months in the same poly and course but different classes. We recently Broke up this March. It's realllly soo painful and hurtful for me. I couldnt forget about him till now. i know many ppl said if he meant to be yours, he will come back, if he's not, he will not. I have to stay positive coz im someone who thinks too much.

Since 3 months had passed till now, my heart seem to heal and i don't get nightmare about him. I don't know if he still got gf or likes someone else. We Broke up coz lack of trust. i contact my previous ex and told him that i went to meet my ex. He was shocked and couldnt hold his feeling any longer. thus he want to let go of me. he gave me chances to continue with me at the starting of our relationship. But i think that was the first time he felt hard to accept that i met my ex without his permission and lead to break up. My previous ex and me has nothing to do with each other. he already had a gf and is getting married soon. I kept telling him that my ex and i really had nth to do with each other and just friends. He didnt believe me and dislike him alot. Though they never see each other before.

i really wish how to woo him back sincerely. i try liking other guys but it don't work on me everytime. I try to move on too but he is alway in the back of my mind. Pls help!

He contact me just awhile to ask how am i. Sigh.. i wish things will be better if i stop worrying too much. Anyone who had this experience before?



How do you try liking other guys when your spiritual debt with your ex hasn't completely been resolved internally? This is a clear distinctive example of a relationship that are killed by the the spark of two separate causes that pronouce death in a relationship, but not yet love. (CloUdiSm theory of soul and structure).

Meeting up with an ex lover is a tricky issue because it seriously depends on the kind of guy you are dating. For most guys, it's a competition-cum-ego problem that they are hit with, when their gf date her ex-beau behind their back. A combination of that sour feelings coupled with reckless attempt to break up would often fuel a problem of regrets in the future, especially after when they have cooled down and become to think rationally.

It's not about a problem of ethics or morals, much more than an issue with expectation. Your man probably had an expectation that his woman shouldn't meet up with her ex at all cost, while you probably had this ideal that it's still perfectly ok to remain friends with an ex love.

You probably felt certain degree of guilt and hence, resulting in this inability to move on.

Two separate beliefs - one fatal error (that wasn't communicated).

Personally, I do not advocate anyone returning to someone who had trashed you into the bin like a waste paper. Albeit he might have his reason/s to feel angry about this situation, but to abandon the relationship entirely shows a lot about his attitude towards his own love.

If one decides that pride is worth more than love, then he will learn how much opportunity cost he has sacrificed to salvage pride. Do not expect instant recovery about a break-up - allow yourself the natural pace of healing, moving along your own rhythm of life.

Cheers

Current Mood

Desperately.

Aunt Agony 230509

Originally posted by GreyMeow:

I'm 38 yrs old male. married for 7 yrs (incl. this yr). my marriage has been rough right from the start. i ve no children till now (but also mainly at certain point in our marraige, i decide i should not ve any) on the 1st 2 yrs of my marriage, she had constantly been having a bad temper scolding or critizing me on my untidiness, my hobbies, my habits, my family and so on.

i think i'm a soft-spoken and thoughful person and so i often self-reflected on her comments and start to change for her. i know i'm not an untidy person, just not as tidy as her. she likes things to be exactly the way she wanted e.g. towel folded in a certain manner, cups place at a certain position, carpet laid out flat and straight (i.e no flipped corners) etc.so, every time the house's tidinees is not up to her expectations, she will flare up and start scolding and critizing me.

Also,i'm a gamer and love to diy my PC too. I also love to read books too. i often spend 5 days a week playing PC games 2-3 hrs. she knew about these before we marry but as soon as we were married, she clam down on it. again she will flare up the moment i start up my PC, saying i don't give her any attention, i wasting too much time, etc. i tried to negiotate with her to play only 1-2 hrs for 3-4 times a week but she won't have it. so i gave it up almost completely. i still play when she is out with her frens or when she is working late (which is not very often).

so i start spending more time reading. once again, she was very angry saying i spent too much money buying the books and comic and again wasting too much time. i was a little pissed off by now but still loved her, so again i compromised and cut down on all my hobbies to almost zero time or none at all.

i don't have many friends but we still meet occasionally. some of them are female. again she knew about them before marriage but won't let me go out with them at all after marriage, saying i should spend my time with her only. again, i thought maybe she is not feeling comfortable with marriage life, so i stop seeing my friends and stay with her at home most of the time or visit her parents and relatives.

by the 3rd and 4th yrs, i became depressed. i became very tired easily since i'm always tense, always checking the house are in order (tidy). always checking if i'm giving her enough attention. somehow i still couldn't meet up to her expectations...so, i was also always tense..readying for her next scolding. it was also this year that we talked about divorce, we had 3 major quarrels and i mentioned about divorce. initally she would agreed...but then she would back out, saying she can't live without me. she even threaten suicide. we went to marriage counseling but she coulldn't accept the counsellor's comments, got angry and said i caused the problems that make her always getting angry. so, our counselling sessions ended without any results.

by this time, i lost interest in the marriage life or life in general and was in a depression. i seeked help for my condition and start taking medication. She knew about it but thought it was just for my tiredness. I also didn't bother to explain to her anymore 'cos it was getting so hard just to live another day. naturally, during these few yrs, we didn't have any sex. in the 1st 2 yrs, she was always angry. in the next 3-4 yrs, i was always tired and i started having many different problems with my health. by now, she sensed something was wrong, we talked and she agreed to change, be less controlling, less anger.

however, from the 5th yrs onwards, i found i don't love her anymore. i don't know when i stop loving her. i couldn't find back the feeling i had for her before we got married. i'm not angry with her or anything, i just don't ve any feeling for her. i still take care of her like any husband, celebrate her birthday, anniversay, valentine days, go holiday, etc. i believe she knew about it too 'cos she told me she don't want me to care for her but to love her. i tried to love her but i can't. i tried telling her it's not working but she started ignoring the problems. she rarely throw temper now but she also not facing the fact that we are both unhappy.She also start asking to have a baby.

This was when i realised i cannot continue with the marriage life. i totally think she is immature, insecure and making the situation worse if we have baby. i'm unsure how to break the problems to her 'cos each time i tried to talk about it, she will flare up again and telling me to shutup.

also, my depression is getting worse and i've visited various psychologists and psychatrists without any good. the doctors told me to talk to her parents but her parents are supportive of her to have a baby (in between there are many stories/issues at her parents side that complicate the problem of talking to them) . i'm too tired to fight her temper and ignorance now. i wish somebody can help me to solve my problem.




Why even bother having to analysis so much? Or listen to so much opinions and viewpoints?

You have probably been through and hear enough analysis to paint all dimensions and perspectives on yourself - but ironically (from my angle) that has only served to cripple your attempt to move along in life.

Why? I will break down the following:

(1) You are clear in what you want - you want a divorce


(2) You kept wondering what's stopping you - I will tell you: you actually fear making the divorce choice, albeit this is what you want. Your meek personality interestingly strengthened this fear.


(3) All the perspectives/opinion/viewpoint/angles are nothing but a red herring to disguise your fear in making choices. Every time when someone fed you an opinion, you have conditioned yourself to a series of perspectives from your angle to 'convince' yourself that this is going to be difficult and hence not attempting anything is indeed the safest route.


(4) In simple, although you are suffering in your marriage - the notion of getting out of your comfort zone in reality (to you) seemed more arduous than remaining in misery. Because - although you are miserable - your subconscious prefers a familiar misery than to charter unknown territory. The truth is that you are looking for the safest route - an utopia that doesn't exist, hence you always remained at where you are - hindered by your incessant consideration of perspectives/angles/opinions/etc in a circular motions that goes back to square one at the end of the day and repeat cycle.


(5) You even made used of external circumstances to corroborate your stance in maintaining status quo (family issues, etc). Surely, these are negative circumstances, but they are separate issues. Seeing them together are blatant signs of using these circumstances to prevent yourself from gaining the ability to make choices.

An example to illustrate my point on your flow of fallacy:

i) I am living in poverty (a negative situation)

ii) I felt down and cut myself (a negative situation)

iii) Living in poverty has caused me to fall down and cut myself (using two illogical premises to conclude an outcome).


(6) Your result is therefore status quo.

***

Your situation is worsen by two facts:

(1) You have little social contact with anyone else, hence you are pretty much isolated. There is a direct relationship of people living in social isolation and feeling trapped by adverse negative environment - because they have learned that this is the only way of life and felt the inability to flee.

(2) From a behaviourist perspective, you have already conditioned yourself to her verbal trashing (which includes even your decision to divorce her), which trigger your compliance. I will show you with the illustration:

Untidy > Scold > Submit (to become tidy)

Playing Game > Scold > Submit (to quit gaming)

Reading Book > Scold > Submit (to quit reading books)

Going out with friends > Scold > Submit (abandon circle of friends)

Scold > Submit (pay more attention to her) - noticed how the premises have reduced, yet the effect remains.

Scold > Submit (anything)

Hence: Want to divorce > Scold > Submit (suppress action)

Your idea of a safe, best of all worlds decision is impossible. The equation would mean:

Want to divorce > no scolding/reaction > succeed in action.

Therefore, what's hindering you greatly is your inability to gain immunity to her
reaction (as well as your environment) and your perservence to substain this long
enough to initiate a change that you seek.

Want to divorce > immune to wife's response > insist/persist > succeed in action.

***

You have too much considerations - if you want to seek new islands, you got to first lose sight of the shores.

Think about it.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 220509

Originally posted by Kimosabe:

It started in November when my bf asked me to help him check his email when I saw he emailed a transvestite saying "Hi Pretty...etc.etc.etc" and basically asked if she was available to "have fun" with him before he enlisted. I asked but he said he knew nothing of it...

Then recently, his brother showed me two chat logs with that same person...we were already together for 7 months...then I saw that he had started sexual talk and gave out his number and wanted an "experience" with her.

Judging from how he treats me which is well, I'm extremely confused now. On msn, from wat I know, even with remote assistance..you cannot have a conversation with your friend and a hacker supposedly using your account to talk to someone in your contact list at the same time. I'm really hoping I'm wrong. His comp has no firewall (I think). He claims he didn't do it...but logically its quite impossible.

Now I'm scared, but I can't cry or react because its sort of shocking, and also he might feel destroyed etc. and I know its impossible to be sincere and not hurtful. I can deal with this side fetish I suppose but its damn scary and I have no idea what to do right now. I'm trying to be positive and believe him that he won't do such a thing.

In the past he really did look like a girl, some say prettier than other girls. I know a few guys do look like that, my cousin has a bandmate that looks just like a girl even I got fooled. He's my second bf. The first hurt me very very very very badly, and it did take me a long while to trust someone else.

My bf has always showered me with love and respect, which explains why this could not be his doing, but I've called a few people in I.T, and they've confirmed that its impossible for the conversation to happen anywhere else but from his computer. He was at the same time also, when the conversation with her happened, talking to his best friend. Exactly the same time. His brother got worried and showed me those conversations. I'm not sure what to think though.

The vital stats, even what sort of boxers he wears, was all revealed and if he was pranking around he would never give out his number. He received gay jokes forever and even though he's now in ns it hasn't stopped. But his friends really don't mean anything. Now I'm scared as to who he really is.

Someone help me.


The dichotomy of gender only applies to our biological construct - in fact, our sexual orientation and our sexual preference (being our software) can be very much different from our biological gender. Gender is not merely man or woman - in fact, it's across a range of spectrum because no man are 100% masculine - same goes for females and femininity.

Having established that: for those who lies within the grey areas (bisexual), their inner struggles often coerced them to formulate some kind of confirmation to decide if they are indeed gay. And one common methodology is to date the opposite gender, so as to see if there are attraction (both sexual and emotional) to validate this inconsistency between they should be feeling and what they are really feeling.

It is also equally possible for him to date someone of the opposite gender, serving as a shield towards his real identity - part of his defense mechanism - while having the certainity that he isn't straight already.

Deonotological perspective might suggest that he's blatantly cheating on you - regardless of who the online fellow is. However, that ultimately (I reckoned) would only leave you with the choice of leaving him.

I suggest you have a HTHT (heart-to-heart-talk) with him - but do not begin your focal point from questioning about the possibility of his gender crisis, for that would render you the same level as those teasing he received from his army mates. Use the standpoint of honesty/truthfulness and the desire to know your other half better.

Learn to understand first. I think there are many things about him that you don't really know. Seek them.

Cheers

Another Year Granted!

Went to review my medical status today - Doctor claims that everything is fine.

I have another year to live!

I have proclaim my life to be a yearly-granted affair; for if there are any unfortunate news and that's probably the end of me.

Every granted year is a gift.

I live every year literally.

Waste not want not.

Business as Usual

Exams over - end of term 3.

And I am going back to my Aunt Agony's calling once again. Due to my own personal crisis, I have kinda neglected my online duties.

Well, it was a good rest, somehow.

I want to start my reading religiously, as well as to work on Project CloUdiSm.

At the rate I am going, I will not be able to finish before I hit 30.

11 Days - 1 Days

There are times where choices of words are limited and ironically superfluous.

I could only paint so much of these ten days with words, in which I could bring myself to type. Perhaps our train of thoughts could only move an inch when our realm of emotions had already travelled a mile away.

It's 3 more days.

However, I am at peace.

12 Days

It's time to wake up.

13 Days

The inaugural experience of walking you back home was the time when we were still dating. I recalled we were at bugis and you said it was walkable distance to your house.

Yeah right - everywhere in Singapore is walkable. Actually.

But that night, it wasn't just about walking - we were building a relationship.

Still in construction. No... not just yet.

And even when we are together, it has always been in construction - making things bigger, better and bolder.

Unfortunately, it's so much easier to destroy than to create from scratch.

Standing placidly at where I was, I witnessed with first-hand experience on how blocks, bricks, sand, mortar and all pillars of the relationship tumble and crumble simply from changes. I seen the goblin diggers, gleefully chipping right at the very heart and foundation of the relationship, causing instability and hoping it will collapse as a result.

Even if everything comes to total destruction and leveled to the ground, I will proclaim victory over my adversary. Even if you ruin my relationship, you will never break my spirit.

I will not only survive this ordeal, but the circumstances will ironically prove that this is the best outcome.

I will triumph.

14 Days

Thoughts Are Things

I hold it true that thoughts are things;
They're endowed with bodies,
breath and wings.
And that we send them forth to fill
The world with good results, or ill.

That which we call our secret thoughts
Speeds forth to earth's most remote spot
Leaving its blessing or its woes
Like tracks behind it as it goes

We build our future, thought by thought
For good or ill, yet know it not
Yet so the universe was wrought
Thought is another name for fate;
Choose then thy destiny and wait,
For love brings love and hate brings hate.

15 Days

I wondered why do we harbor for memories that no longer belong to us?

And even if we still possess it,

Looking through the same lens,

That’s probably not what we originally seek.

It’s no longer identical.

I cannot always live in a world of abstract convulsion.

I abhor being human.

When can I return back to my vampiric stupor?

16 Days

~*~Gwenda™~*~ says:u r the almost perfect man ma

***

I remembered what bf once said to me.

Oh well, good is indeed relative and others always seemed to appreciate you better.

Really hate to feel like trash.

17 Days

我搞不懂我们到底怎么了?

诚实的背后是否住着伤口?

我想不透我们的爱怎么了?

雨下过以后是否能让什么复活?

18 Days

I typed this while I was on the bus.

Because I want to document certain thoughts before it flee away from me.

And with every bus stop, I paused and looked at my surrounding.

My fingers roamed the keyboard and punched in letters that came into my mind, without having to glance at what I was typing.

But surely, there’s no way I could just go on typing without looking at the screen. My eyeballs peeked downwards whenever I could, just to ensure that I wasn’t typing rubbish.

Would there ever be a cause so critical that we can forgo rest and continue indefinitely?

Would there ever be a bus stop without destination, so that we just enjoy the ride without having to get down?

What would ever happen… in reality?

Perhaps, it’s only natural that we alight at where we need to stop because we have new places to explore and new goals to reach.

And it's this solemn knowledge that changes must take occur and hence, outcome will naturally be different.

So much for freewill.

19 Days

We got into car accident on Sunday.

Fortunately, all was safe and nobody had serious injury.

Then a thought sink into my mind; what if… just what if I was dead on Sunday? Killed in a car accident in front of Istana, splashed all over the papers?

In that funeral of mine, as my soul floats in timeless space, what would I see?

And if I am able to read thoughts and emotions in the most mystical of ways, what would I be able to see in your heart?

A moment of depression? Or a lifetime of regret?

It’s the skewed assumption that life will always be continuous and our thoughts absolutely have no room for any unaccounted disruption. Perhaps, that’s the reason why we often take things for granted unknowingly.

Because specifically, there isn’t a need to go that extra mile.

We just assume that people will always be there because they have always been there.

Not always.

Really.

Not necessary.

20 Days

Come and think of it - we are almost through the next day when we are together.

I remembered talking to WW about this.

If prayer works; this was approximately delayed by 2860 days.

只在乎曾经拥有.

21 Days

I realize I will probably self-publish my own book.

It may or may not end up making money, but it's just a dream to see my own words evolving into print, where I can hold it in my hands.

I hate to dream for the sake of dreaming; if one doesn't transform it into reality - it will forever remain a hollow dream.

I remember once when I told you about this dream of mine and said that it would be my greatest regret in life if I fail to have it publish before I perish from this world.

Then you said you will write on my behalf.

In my mind, I was chuckling. For someone who doesn't even know to write her own CV and resume, seriously, I thought this was just merely diplomancy.

But on the other hand, in my realm of emotions, there was a quiet smile within.

The effect is almost akin to a six years old child telling his mother "Mummy, I am going to protect you from all the bad guys in the world".

You know that will never happen - but it just feels good on the ear.

And mummy will always lit a smile hearing just that.

So do I.

22 Days

I have always carried you.

In that flashback, I remembered the time when you insisted on me piggy-bagging you back to my house.

'What? Siao!?!?!' was my response.

I did anyway - from the bus stop.

And I always claim that carrying you is way lighter than my Full-Battle Order in army. Obviously, it shouldn't be the case and you asked me why. I remembered explaining to you some weird theory about the allocation of weight - you know, my usual obfuscating bullshit.

But truthfully, perhaps (at that moment), Love makes all things lighter.

And I remembered when you refuse to wash up and slept like a piece of lard; I had to carry you to the washroom and nudge you to brush your teeth. Getting you off the bed is a feat much arduous than scoring Gold for my IPPT - I swear there could be no nightmare worst than waking you up.

That task alone would exhaust all my patience for the day; you are no sleeping log - you are a dead log.

But this is nothing - compared to what I had to shoulder for this relationship.

As days whizzed by, the load just get more emcumbersome with every new step I inched forward. More piling until it hurts my back terribly; my legs trembled with fatigue and sweat just trickled profusely. I can imagine myself quietly gripping the shoulderpad tightly and sucking in my lower lips - striding on until I couldn't move anymore.

An inexorable will alone is mundane. There are times in life where Will per se is insufficient.

Sometimes, it's not about the ability to carry, much more than the wanting to be carried.



I have 22 more days to laud and hoist the flag of the relationship, letting it dance magically through the splendid wind.

Whatever it is, I know I have carried you... till this very end... till the last day.

I will live to no regret.

23 Days

每一份爱情必定有它存在的意义。
当它惋惜之后，
眼泪也只不过提醒自己彼此在一起的前因。
这感伤不一定是想挽回的念头，
而是成长的过程

-云孩儿

24 Days

We have decided to just enjoy the remaining days as a couple.

I finally understood why true happiness is always short-lived.

24 days towards my graduation. :)

25 Days

Perhaps people think that I overvalue old sentiments. Maybe just a little more than the usual folks.

Only Weiyong understands me here; because at least in this aspects we are similar.

We are immensely in love with things that are old and passe.

I love playing old games. I play and replay. Play and replay. Play and replay. Until my own friends are sick of hearing me play old games.

I love old songs. And when I start liking songs that I deemed as new – it’s already an old song.

I love old comics. Nothing beats Flame of Recca.

I love old books of wisdom. Usually Greek wisdom dated back to some XX B.C.

I love old shows/movies. Stephen Chow and Jinyong are classic.

Some things we loved don’t change, even with the passing of time. I am still holding onto an old wallet that has already been damage beyond recognition and it looks like a swollen bag of ebony shit.

Someone once said this to me “Eh, your wallet so chui liao. Go get new one la – now you can easily afford one Gucci wallet what.”

What he doesn’t understand is that the wallet was a gift.

And it was a gift from you.

I will not change simply because I can afford to change.

I will only change when it’s time to change.

Is it time to change now?

26 Days

I carried a torn yellow mini envelope with me all the time. The envelope crumples with dirt at every corner and appeared almost like a forgotten trash.

Contrary to its appearance: the personal value it holds is unfathomable. I have always placed it securely in my wallet.

Throughout these eight years, at times, I will always smile to myself whenever I read the content. I always do it whenever life gets a little on the rough side and that will never fail to keep me going.

Inside this envelope is a card.

You gave it to me when I celebrated my birthday with you for the first time together - it was 16 Aug 2001.





Inside the content reads:

"Whenever I think of a love that is true, I always think of you. True love is not only wonderful, its a special dream come true.'

It ends off with the statement:

"I'll love you today, tomorrow & forever.."

Maybe that was the past.

27 days

Many years ago, I remembered the time when you cut your finger at home and told me you were bleeding and it wouldn’t stop.

I immediately rushed down from my house, worried-stricken, and told you specifically what to do. In my mind, I was only praying for your well being.

It was also then, I realized you virtually have zero knowledge in basic medical aid when you shared with me what you did: you tilted your fingers downward and examine your blood dripped like an unsealed tap. Later, you said you suffered some fainting spells and I immediately admonished you, saying that people who attempt suicide do that sort of thing - you should stop the blood from flowing.

And you can’t do that again because if something happens to you, then what am I going to do?

Now, I have multiple slashes all over me; I am not oozing blood - I am gushing.

Every major vein and artery is leaking wistful blood.

And I know that I will be left there, stranded in the open field with circling vultures, waiting for death to claim me before they swoop down for a great feast on my newly deceased corpse.

My poignant eyes are struggling to keep open.

Perhaps I should just close them.

28 Days

I recalled the days when we sat together in between Raffles City and Suntec; there was this space. It was that very space that made our union official. I peered to the clock far ahead of me and the time was almost 11.45pm, but it feels we were stuck in some eternal love stasis, binding us to some unforgotten realm, only we could uncover.

Time was ticking but everything seemed to come to a stand-still – except you and I.

I was only 16+ when that happens. In a blink of an eye, we have all grown. Many claimed the impossibility of a lasting love born out of that time frame - where love was treated as mere playmates and companionship. But I dismissed all of those allegations as unfounded – citing that this is just an assumption, made by shallowest of comments from inferior people who presumed that the entire world runs by classic scenarios and they cannot fathom the power of human spirit in love.

Though young, I had the mind of an old soul - I don’t need to believe what deranged nonsense people tell me; I only need to believe in myself and the relationship we run together.

That’s all that matters.

I remember the scorn people wore on their face; they probably reckoned that I was idealistic. And when we made it happened - they never dared look into my path and were forced to eat back their very own words.

It wasn’t a ‘me’ and ‘my girlfriend’ – it was a ‘We’. We made it happened, with our faith, conviction and effort. We are a team… a partnership… a collaboration.

I remember on that day, I asked you what you would like to tell me since I was about the start my poly first day tomorrow. I fondly remembered your bashful ‘I don’t know’ accompanied by your usual lack of words to describe your inner feelings and emotions.

Back then, I was counting down to my days in school.

Now, I am counting down to the dissolution of this relationship.

29 Days

Never had I expect myself to spurt those words; it was something so impossible in the past and it seemed only to happen to kingdoms that were badly ruled.

Unfortunately, people do change.

Drastic change… subtle changes… all sort of changes.

I could steel myself even with the best weaponry; but it’s only a lone battle against the monstrous horde of challenges. Undead though I am, I could only do so much.

Even the best system ever is still subjected to impermanence.

So what’s truly lasting?

The existence of my love is meaningless without reciprocation. Almost like seasons without spring.

I can imagine the dire wolves, waiting surreptitiously for this relationship to fail before pouncing onto the fallen brilliant crest and shredding my once proud banner. Their numbers are many and noble guards that kept the relationship intact and strong during peaceful good years are being mauled and cut down, one by one, like broken twigs. These dire wolves are no common enemy; under cover of darkness, their camouflage makes perception difficult. The noble guards fought well – one against ten and yet none of them yield to their adversity.

But how do you combat something you can’t see?

I could hear malicious voice calling for annihilation of all standing living beings and decimation of great edifice built to sustain a hundred years – only to be threatened in less than a decade. I smelled a wisp of death lingering in the madness; battle cry being sounded and more wolves hungrily pouring in like raindrops through fragmentary roof.

Wounded though, I stand with pride and honor to defend what I see as my home. I grasped the sheath of my blade tight, waiting to draw my first blood.

Then I moved: I swung my broadsword and cut through the wolves that lunged straight at me; it died instantaneously. Another tried to work his paw towards my face, only to feel the teeth of my blade sinking into his breast and the mighty bash of my tower shield directly into his wolf-face. I kicked the dead wolf to release my sword and I stabbed a timely quick thrust into the belly of a surging wolf that flew towards me with stretched paws and wide-opened deathly maw. Then another…

Whatever that was thrown at me; nothing ever came close.

Then, I felt an arrow pierced through my splint armor behind me; I turned around and saw my assaulter – it was what I was tasked to protect. Disillusionment seep in and I realized what was going on: what I was tasked to protect, ironically instigated the wolf invasion.

How do I fight an external battle with internal strife?

Is there even a remote possibility of winning this?

- 29 Days

Why even bother?

Something is happening.

I am not deluded.

Guess what?

4.35am and I am still not fucking sleeping.

Why?

I just uncovered some shit.

Seriously, I need to release all that fucking shit and just end that gawd damn misery.

END THAT GAWD DAMN MISERY! DAMN IT! JUST FUCKING END IT!

Why even bother?

Just fucking look around you.

Why even bother

Aunt Agony 240309

Originally posted by NEWater

Asperger's Syndrome is considered to be a part of autism. But unlike typical autism where the cases are intellectually-impaired, I'm emotionally- and socially-retarded. I experience tremendous difficulties in daily life from interacting with others, to assimilating successfully into society and suffer for it.

Ever since I've been diagnosed six months ago, I think I've improved markedly in terms of (or attempting to) reading the body language, linguistic inflections etc. of other people in my present work environment, which is the SAF.

Over the past year I've been continuously singled out and bullied for allegedly either deliberate disrespect for my superiors or carrying out my tasks wrongly. While I have indeed been attempting to explain my condition to my commanders lately, they haven't been able to understand, just thought I was retarded or trying to be funny and gain sympathy. But it isn't surprising to me. SAF isn't well-known for attracting or retaining talented and intelligent people.

All along, however, I've been continuously rejected by people and have quite desensitized to getting blown off. But recently, I've been trying in earnest to make myself better with people, attempting to learn of empathy and trying to do things with others, in the social context even though I clearly do not enjoy those activities, but I still end up with the same result.

While I understand that in this day and age, this working world places a high emphasis on teamwork as a catalyst to success, it's outright difficult for me. I think I'm able to sort things out logically at work and try to sort things out as effectively as possible while working as a team, but when it comes down to the day-to-day social back and forths of everyday life, it's a continuous and never-ending struggle for me. No matter how much I try, it's difficult to get people to like me. While I don't think anyone near me distinctly dislikes me and try to actively antagonize me, it's just depressingly disappointing that be it with effort put in or not, I still get the same result. So, why do I bother?

Work and social life with my fellow males aside, I haven't felt any real love for a woman/girl in about 7 years. The female friends that I have tend to bore me to death. The ones I'm interested in are either 2-3 continents away, or think it laughable to be associated with chaps like me.

So, it brings me to question my present interest in majoring in journalism, which requires me to interact and talk with many people. While I have a voracious interest in current affairs, history, philosophy, politics and the like, and writing about it, the future job prospects scare me. I will really have to search people out for interviews etc., and, blah.

I don't know. I like to be alone. In fact, I prefer being alone than to be in a room with someone else. But I know that I have to be with other people if I want to advance in this society.

Death, in comparison, is lonely, isn't it? It seems more appealing. This isn't some random, emo, angsty thought, but something that I've been contemplating for a good, long while. I understand that a lot of us tend to shun from thinking of it, but as an emotionally-impaired individual who is still, unfortunately human, I am still a social animal, and am being tortured for it.


AS (Asperger's Syndrome) most notable signs is the deficit in reading non-verbals: every time you fail to recognize non-verbals cues, it inevitably create some form of a social mess and rejection occurs naturally. When you repeat that cycle a few times, (minus the debate about it being genetic), your environment might just end up reinforcing your condition and worsen your situation.

I understand your situation: is like when you encounter some form of social error in responding to a joke and then you learn how this 'manner' can be told as a joke. Later, in other situations, you might have tried to mimic what you just learn and realized that it backfired for some strange reasons and resulted in another social mistake. And you wondered what went wrong because you felt that you said just the same stuff.

Communication comes in two ways, verbal speech (left brain) and non-verbal (right brain). Impairment of one makes communication difficult because we ALWAYS read both at the same time to truly picked up construct and meaning of messages. We don't just speak in words - we all speak in tones, attitude and other non-verbals.

Through your words, obviously, you have no problem in textual communication because that trigger mainly your left brain - which you don't have any issues in the first place.

You probably need to seek some form of specialist - probably some form of behavioral training and coping skills. It should help you to response better in social situation. Don't see it as a therapy - perceive it as skill set you wished to learn and gain adequate mastery eventually.

You have people paying thousands of dollars learning how to 'date'; similarly learning how to be a 'parent'. In this modern era, it's like we are all going for lessons on learning about things that ought to be 'second nature', but the fact is that everyone has their own strength and weakness. You must understand that the diversity of life and human beings are such that we are all different in various aspects. Although we can recognize our lacks, but ultimately, how we want to overcome this lack makes that very difference.

You might not be about to resume 100% ability in reading non-verbals, but if you can reach 60-70%, I think it's still good.

Just keep learning.

P.S: For AS, there is a fundamental shift in calling it a matter of 'difference' than terming it as a disorder. There are people who prefer to be alone; some calls it a biological thing, but why not a personal choice?

You have your own dream to pursue - don't let AS remove your courage to work towards it. Dreams are dreams because only those who actively pursue them relentlessly can transform those into reality.

Nobody should be denied the right to their own dreams and the only person who can reject is but yourself.

Cheers

I think I saw someone

I have superb observation skills.

I saw someone's picture on a Jar.



Where's Wally?

Wahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaa!

Aunt Agony II 150309

Originally posted by Giddyboy:

I met a thai girl whom i got to know from a escort website. I booked her for 2 hours for sex. But instead of doing anything, we actually just chat, massage each other's back and joke around for the whole 2 hours. After that, we went for makan and i sent her back to her work place at orchard towers. Then she sms me telling me that i am a real gentlemen and feels good been with me and hope we can be good friends.

The next day, i realised i can't stop thinking of her. I called and chat with her ever since then. I even had foolish ideas of finding her a decent job in singapore or some way to stop her from working there. ( Of cos thats impossible i know ). And worst of all i was her only customer for that whole week. As business is pretty bad at orchard towers and she doesn't do business with those ang mohs. i asked i could go down and visit her, but she refused saying she only wants to see me outside and not in this kind of place.

Then i decided to invite her to my house for dinner. She responded very happily and even went to shop for some decent clothes so she can wear it to when she meets my family.

On that fateful friday the 13th, i brought her to my place, intro her to my mum and had dinner. Then we went to my room and chat , surf net. She was really very happy and we even discussed about the next day program. Then my mum asked " Is she staying overnight?" I told her maybe. Her face turned really black and said "NO"

I was somewhat shocked and i suddenly felt everything is going to go wrong. I begged my mum but she refused. I really dont know wat to do.. cause i actually told the thai girl she could stay over, and my parents will be ok with it ( I brought ex gf to my place before to makan and overnight but my mum never make noise ). I went back to my room, and asked her if she wanted to go clubbing. She looked at me and asked whats wrong. I just told her the truth that my parents dont like you to overnight here. After that the thai girl said she's ok with it and that i can tell her the truth. Then she continued serving net and suddenly broke into tears.

I was SHOCKED. She cried. I asked her whats wrong she refused to tell me. Then my mum sms from the living room telling me to ask her to leave. i really didnt know what to do, i felt like as though my life is over. Then i asked her to dry up her face and we leave the house now.

I brought her to hotel 81 and when we entered the room, she was still crying. After she settled her crying, and a long persuading, she finally told me. She told me she put a lot of hope in seeing my family and she even spent money to buy decent dressing for me. She even took a day off from work just for this day.

I apologised and kissed and hug her. She then said, hooker and customer shouldnt have fall in love. I just told her that it's my decision to love her. We chatted about each other's problem, about my strict family and her finanical budern. She has to drink herself drunk every night so she can sleep otherwise she cant sleep. Its really sad. i really wished i can do something for her, and i thought i could make her life happier on friday but it turned out to be like this.

I send her home and gave her 100 bucks. I went home without shedding a single tear throughout everything. The moment i lied down on my bed, i simple broke down. I just couldnt stop crying. In my heart i kept on cursing myself.Cursing myself why am i born in such a strict family and when i didn't study well enough to have a higher paying job. Then i thought of putting a stop to our relationship. I called her told her that today will be the last time we see each other again. She kept quiet for a minuite, and told me she really dont wan me to leave her etc etc etc.

In the end i couldn't bear it, and i told her i will call her again. I really am at loss. i really dont know what to do. To be frank, i broke down several times typing till here. I hate my parents and i hate myself. I really wished i can do something to let her have a better life.

I've hired a called girl cause i feel so sick of the failed relationships i've been through. 9 girls mostly local girls whom i went steady with after my NS. They brought me nothing but anger, disappointment and sadness. I don't know how to put it but i think i really have no luck in meeting nice sg girls who are considerate and senstive (not over sensitive) to me and my friends around me.

My ex gf is a good example. Go out for dinner with my buddies, need to report to her where and with who. Call me every 2 hours to check on me.

I Bring her out with my friends, the first thing she do is hug me and talked to me non stop and then only after talking so much then she say HI to my friends. Really got no respect for my friends. Come my house , she chatted with my mum like best friends and wash the plates after dinner.

Still got many things, too many to mention here.


Falling head over heels with a prostitute are occasional topics that would pop its presence into Aunt Agony every other moment. In my 8 years here, I remembered telling those guys, having exact same scenario as yourself (you can consider them as your predecessor), to report with a reply/topic/post if they are successful in their relationship with these ladies. You know the happily ever-after kind?

None did.

***

Before we start claiming human rights issues about the fact that prostitute are also human beings requiring basic socio-emotional needs - this is in fact a red herring to the real fundamental issues in love, which are classic technique naturally 'used' by our individual cosmic lessons, which could conveniently put us in intensive karmic relationship without resistance. The informal fallacy that prostitute also deserve a partner, in this case, is but a smoke screen to conceal the root of issues - the deficit in learning about love.

Everything occurs within a one week time frame and such pace of advancement is likely to an Uranus-influence relationship. Your failure in previously relationship seemed to share a common factors that (1) you based your decision entirely on affect and (2) you don't exactly know your partners very well when you end up in a relationship with them.

First law of CloUdism states "it is we who chooses our partner, not the other way round.' As much allocation of blame you have attributed to your previous girlfriends, wouldn't you agree that having nine unsuccessful relationship are blatant signals that the root of problem are probably strong hint of suggestion that you are likely the main reason for it?

You mentioned that such disappointment has prompted you to dial a call girl; hence your real agenda is that you wanted a girlfriend, so what you did was to attempt to switch from a paid sexual service to 'convert' them into 'legitimate' relationship. You have used monetary payment to get pass your first door (the approach) because in any given chase, for the masculine role always suffer from approach anxiety (fear of rejection). Your failure in several preceding relationships has created what I termed as love fatigue and in response, people always hasten the process to get to where they last stopped in love.

This creates several structural problems in love, often only expressed itself in later stages.

The condition of this fact doesn't alter, even if you get to know her better before committing anything.

Also, I believe there are certain amount of Transference (shifting your emotions towards this woman, bounded by paid services to response in a certain manner, simultaneously illicit your desire to forge deeper companionship). She reciprocated in a manner (both physical and personality) close to your ideals, but I must remind you that these are merely perception exuded on her part, which might not be consistent with her actual thoughts and feelings.

Man just loved playing the knight in shining armour; don't over identify yourself with the role of a rescuer. Albeit it feels good on the ego, but you subject yourself to blind compliance. Blaming yourself for her helplessness is step one.

P.S: You are pretty much fixed in what you plan to do and like all others before you, I shall say the same: do let us know if this has evolve into a successful outcome. I should still be around.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 150309

Originally posted by Only-Way-4-Destiny!:

I hope you all can give me some help. Age: 15, Secondary 3, Guy. This is my situation.

My parents are divorced and were separated around 9 months ago. I just cannot seem to get over it. I am living with my father but I am still in contact with my mother.

Ever since I kicked my computer gaming addiction; which is probably concealing a lot of my deepest emotions, I am very much affected by that divorce.

I had not felt anything bad about the divorce until around January this year as I was pretty much distracted by my computer gaming habit last year.

My father is remarrying someone else. I am not holding any objections to this or whatsoever. I am on some sort of emotional rollercoaster. I am financially supported but I do not feel any emotional support. I am glad that I have a good aunt who I can share my problems with. She is also very concerned about my emotional well-being.

Once, when she figured out that there was something bugging me, she talked to me and asked me, "If you have one wish, what would you wish for?" Thoughts begin to fill my mind... I got very emotional and started crying and did not utter a word and she comforted me as she knew what did I want. I want to revert the clock back... Where this did not happen.

When I look at others, who have such wonderful and complete familes, I felt a sense of emotional void and sadness... Loneliness too... Sometimes, I would just cry to myself.

I am now much more temperamental and very much more reserved towards my family. I really need some advice. I am starting to lose my motivation and optimism and if I do not untangle this knot within me, I doubt I would be able to move away from the shadow of this and this is going to affect my studies a lot. I really do not know how much more of this can I take.

How can I untangle this knot and be liberated from this heavy stone weighing in my heart?



PS: Sorry for any inconsistencies or mislinking in this... Too many things in my mind.



It would be a self deception if you deemed that this will not going to affect you. Every aspects of our life is like an interlocking system, connected by all the intriguing gears. A slight tweak in one gear will result in a complete change in the monstrous engine of life and everything else will effectively reposition itself.

I would like to address one crucial understanding and distinctive awareness between yourself and that of your father's cosmic love challenges.

(1) Your father, like all other humans, is imperfect by nature. We all are - because we are just human beings. Also, life just doesn't have a ten-years-series manual on parenting, as well as relationship. There are many factors contributing to a successful family and your dad, like all students of love, is learning about his own complication and issues pertaining to his own love relationship - namely between your mum and your prospective step-mum.

You must understand that the collapse of your parents marriage has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. This is but the intensive struggle between your parents' dealing with their spiritual union and this journey belong entirely to them alone. During solemnization, the marriage vow was exchanged between two parties - it was never anyone else. The formation was set at two, hence the dissolution remains at two.

The first step to liberation is never to blame yourself for your parents' lessons in life.

(2) You are part of the collateral damage suffered from the result of their decision. You probably have two choices. One is to deny and practice escapism, while the other is the gain clarity through acceptance and seek to discover your own self actualization.

You are an insightful young man. Your self awareness has concluded that gaming is a form of defensive mechanism employed by your subconscious to fill in the emotional void experience through this ordeal. In your reality, this might serve as a plaster to halt blood from oozing, but my concern is more on your holistic recovery (albeit with scars) and possibly to avoid a karmic cycle of distorted values in love that would continuously create wounds that bleeds you profusely.

I seriously suggest that you speak to your school counsellor, especially since you are concern with your performance in school. Indeed your aunt might serve as a sole pillar of strength in your family setting, but it's helpful to expand your emotional safety net with people whom you can trust and could possible assist you in other settings you are engaged in.

P.S: Do remember, the last thing you ever need is to introduce or adopt habits/decision that will create more misery in your life. Know well what leads you forward and what holds you back.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 030309

Originally posted by noodle-eater:
Hi all,

I have been lurking these forums and now just gathered the courage to post. I am 37, and was married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years. We are now separated for about 5 months. She is living with a man now, and refusing to see me or even talk about getting back together. Long story short, I cheated in her 2x, and she forgave me. But the 3rd and last incident, I moved out to live with another woman for about 4 months, and when then I realize how dumb I had been, my wife already moved out.

Initally, I thought I could get her back, but as times goes, I see how she had made up her mind, she won't even see me anymore. On top of that, all her friends and family are ignoring me, and rightly so. I tried calling her, texting her, e-mailing her but that just annoyed her more. So I followed my sister's advice and leave her alone for now. But I am afraid that with time, she may drift further and further away and the possibility (no matter how remote) of us getting back together is getting slimmer.

She is the love of my life, and my first love, we had been together as BF/GF for nearly 20 years, and she had been nothing but an angel in my life, but I was so insecure and immature, I went and forsake her love...

Now that I am "sober" about life and my mistakes, I am a better person, I want to make it up to her and "return" her love. The guy she is living with now, I don't think she loves him, I just think she wants some sort of stability and someone that is a contrast to me. I think deep down, she still loves me, and I now know, I TRULY DEEPLY LOVES HER...

I know many people will say, if I love her, let her go, and move on. But 20 years of her sacrifice and now that I am a better person, I want us, to get back together and truly begin our life and love together. It is worth fighting for, and I would like to fight for her, before "moving on and giving up".

I have drafted many e-mailes to her but have not send them. Should I send them? Or should I leave her alone for now...

Any encouragements, suggestions, welcomed.



Beggars can't be choosers. You might have deemed that you have learned your mistake, but the price of enlightenment comes with a certain cost. Yours is probably at the expense of your marriage.

People do make mistake - the only shit difference is that when the mistake is made repeatedly and the only logical conclusion is that the person is irrevocably damned and unchangeable. Then what sort of redemption do you seek and how would you expect people to believe you?

What are the odds?

You are fighting against an entire army of her support network advocating against you and your intention to get back. Your only bargaining chip (pretty much delusional) is that you feel she still has feeling for you. I must say that you are narcissistic to think along that direction, because feelings like life, do experience death in a permanent manner.

Unfortunately, although you might be enlightened, but this realization is but a product of comparison - that your wife is good because those women whom you have cheated her with, did not meet up to eventual expectations, and NOT because she is indeed good. Your realization is but a light-ray reflection off a glass piece; not that you are not seeing the glorious shine from the sun itself.

So what if you lengthened the years of your union to make it seem as if this relationship was meant to be? The collapse of financial giants in recent news is a blatant statement of the past is not always a good indication of the future. And such ignorance, alone, can serve as the catalysis to ruin anything in life - hence your 20 years are nothing but figures that makes no significant meaning because your decimate your own relationship with bare hands willingly.

Now that you need her and she doesn't need you - does that scenario mirror the exact same emotional turmoil that she had went through previously, while you cheated and even cohabit with another woman for four months?

The cycle of cause and effect is rigid and strict.

You need to evolve yourself. Talk is way too cheap in your case.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 010309

Originally posted by Lovelyman:

Her history is kinda complicated.

She is married at the age of 20 and claimed her hubby (boyfriend) then purposely impregnanted her in order to get her to marry him.After 4 years of marriage with 2 kids.He totally stopped all kinda intimacy with her.His reason is he is too stressful but she found out that he is watching porns from time to time but just dont want to do with her.

During this time her body has changed alot weight from 43/45 kg to 60kg and breast size from C to A/B very saggy.

Her dad commited suicided 4 years back and her husband dont care n dont bothered.At the same time cut all her allowance which was $300 and she decided to come out to work.Since then they stopped talking to each other other then the 2 kids problem.
After working sometime she managed to reduced her weight to 47kg and became very attractive.And for the past 2 years she has took up smoking n clubbings.In that 2 years she had almost 10 diff boyfriends and 1 of them got her impregnanted which she decided to abort it cause that guy kinda wimps.

She has decided to divorce her husband many times but failed.But this time round she is very determined to leave.And she decided to leave becos of me........


Those short-lived multifarious relationships that came along after the gradual crumbling of her marriage is a sign of emotional instability and blatantly a need to fill an emotional void. Some people who resort to 'clubbing' to attract 'new mates'. However, that quality of guys from there are pretty bad and those she ends up in a relationship with probably deepened her karmic love cycle and unleashed greater misery in a seemingly unbreakable chain.

I am assuming that you got to know her through the similar medium as well. And I must warn you that if your relationship is born out of a classic fling and after that, you then decide to develop it into a relationship - be prepared for serious cognitive dissonance.

Without deliberate conscious effort to steer away, all relationship shall perish the same way it was born (Law of Mirror Ending - CloUdiSm). This law corroborated with the logic that if you want X, then you cannot seek to find X in Y because X is X and Y is Y. Hence, you should seek to find X in X and not X in Y. The process in the metamorphosis in evolving Y into X, although served as a conscious effort to steer away, this decision often promise much misery and disillusionment.

In simple, if I want to eat chicken rice, then I cannot make my way to KFC and then request to order chicken rice. Although source might be similar (chicken), but the primary products that KFC is selling is entirely different from your individual expectation of desiring to consume chicken rice.

Hence, if it born of a fling, it often dies of a fling.

***

Her complication in love does not stem from the fact that she is helpless. In fact, she had made many choices in life; just that these choices are decisions that will almost set to plummet the condition of her love life into some karmic crisis in the future (she is facing it after four years marriage).

One must understand that 'having no choice' is a choice. Having poor judgement is part of the reason for choice to be undertaken.

Should you decide to pursue this relationship; unless you take active steps to steer the relationship into a brighter path that could ensure better longevity, if not, you will probably perish in this RHC (R`ship of Higher Complication) because you are unable to assist your woman in eradicating her own karmic love ties.

Cheers

Stark resemblence

Stark resemblence. =D

Aunt Agony II 280209

Originally posted by lanjiaolan:

In this dilema ,I have been with this girl for 5 years ,,, honestly the love has faded and only left with responsibility towards her,,,, friend and family have been pressuring me to marry her , i keep asking myself am I the one for her or should I just break off this relationship so she can find someone better and not hold her back ,,, if you are in this stage you know what i mean because we have been together for so long there are bound to be emotional attachment ,,, is not so easy to call off the relationship

Friends been telling me only marry the girl you love and find compatible and someone whom you want to spend their life with ,,, easier said than done,,,, because you cannot find someone like that ,,,, even if you found her she may not accept you in the first place,, anyone in this situation before ..can enlighten me ??


You already find no reasons to be in the relationship and hence, the last thing you ought to do is to put yourself in denial mode.

If obligation is the only reason why you are in it, but before you decide that all is over, you might want to speak to her and trash everything. You might or might not learn that this relationship is truly over and if the outcome is not promising, as least you can work towards an amicable break-up, which is pretty much a mature way of handing issue, rather than opting to run away.

P.S: Relationship is never static - length of relationship does not guarantee everlasting fulfillment or marriage.

Cheers

Aunt Agony 280209

Originally posted by Jerry1:
Got this news from my gf and it totally broke me down. I have not been sleeping from yesterday till now thinking and thinking.

Have been together with my gf for around 4 months and she has a bad past and she was really truthful about it. Told me basically everything about her past and why she divorced.

To recap a little bit on her background she was actually in a bad marriage with her ex husband for 2 yrs plus due to her ex husband behaviour, basically ignoring her and neglects her. And then she falls in love with an ex colleague which sweet talks her and show her concerns. She also had sex with that cheater colleague due to her love for him.

But it turned out that the guy is actually a cheat and she broke off with him. She also told me another colleague also went after her and he was the relative of the first cheater colleague because they are working in a family owned business. She dun likes him initially but she tried and eventually that guy shows her that he is very sincere and she also falls in love with him. (she actually wanted to use this guy to divert attention so that she can manage to forget that cheater colleague)

But she told me that her last sexual encounter was with that cheater colleague and she has no intimate relationships with this guy initially when we started this relationship. On and off we did discuss about all these stuff and she says that she did not had and sex with this particular guy.

Yesterday she told me that she does not want to hide from me anymore and she did have sex with the second guy (still let him shoot inside). I think she really got poor thinking that nowadays HIV, STDs are so common.

And she lied to me initially because she do not want me to leave her thinking that she is a loose women. (intimate relationships with 2 guys that are actually relatives) She was thinking of telling me the truth but she knows that she is taking a chance of whether I will accept or leave her. But she knows that I will probably leave her after knowing the truth. She was thinking of when to break out the news to me and was planning to do it after valentine day because she really wanna spend that day with her love one and she do not have a good valentine day for many years liao. She actually says that she is guilty of hiding the truth from me initially fearing of me leaving her. But decided to come clean with it because she loves me and do not wan to hide anything from me.

After her telling me the truth, my heart actually went scattered and I was in a complete loss because I really put in my heart and soul into this relationship. She says that it is ok if I wanna leave her because it was her fault and she still loves me (she loves me and dun mind me leaving because she wants me to be happy). She also told me that her feelings for me is completely real and she did love me with all her heart. She did asked me whether I mind her complicated past but I could not answer because it was too sudden for me. A person that I love so much actually lied to me for 4 months, Although she is very truthful on all her past things except this. Now my heart is feeling very sour and I dun know wat to do, if I leave her I will be very very sad and if I stay. The shadow is always there.



The problem with people is that they want to investigate their partner's history, yet their love and maturity are not magnanimous enough accept the outcome.

It's only human if people are very sensitive to 'certain scenario' (open to variety of interpretations), but having that self awareness to understand that since our hearts are not exactly very big to begin with, to pursue relentlessly about people's past is like slapping yourself around a bit with a large trout, while trying to maintain your smile. The question is why then allowed yourself to be confused with all that past when the main fringing thing is to look forward into the future?

That shadow you are talking about is nothing but an illusion of what you perceived as an 'inferior product'. At that very moment when you won the heart of your prized woman, that feeling is akin to a child receiving a present. I am sure that euphoria lasted quite a while.

However, when she poured the truth to you, it's akin to the child opening the present, only to find a broken toy train.

You start questioning yourself like how the child would ask: "how come my present so lousy one?"

But unlike the child receiving the present - can love be inferior?

Or is it because our perception has weaved such a formidable spell, so strong that we began to believe it, even we used to think otherwise?

People talk about love all the time - some even swear by God (you even used words like 'heart and soul...'). But when the real situation arise from nowhere and begin to probe the core fundamentals of your individual definition of this love - the entire structure of that 'cheap-talk' just crumble like a pile of cards, without even the need to say 'lets break-up'.

The relationship just got blown off - like how the little pigs who built their house with straws. Think before you decide to equate your love as prefect, wholesome or 'heart and soul' because they are probably just made of straws - easily shattered by her poignant past.

If you are unable to accept her history, then you might want to consider an exit because you CANNOT change your past. Acceptance is your only bridge to her foolish past. If you decide to love, then you have to walk the talk and learn to build a house of bricks.

Cheers