Originally posted by Cycloneeee:
I recently broke up with my ex. Here's the story.
He's serving NS now and i left him not because of NS. For the duration that we've been together, i try my best to make time for him during the weekends by clearing and rushing all my schoolwork on weekdays so that i can spend my weekends with him. I always spend 1-2 hrs travelling to his house every weekend because we live very very far from each other. He never fetches me from the bus stop or the mrt and on one occasion, i got lost on the way. He got really angry that i got lost and scolded me for not being able to navigate properly.
I understand that army guys are normally really tired and stuff so i don't expect him to travel to my house or send me home. And i also understand that he's really busy during the weekdays so i don't expect him to text me or call me much. So i do try to initiate conversations occasionally like asking how he is and stuff although he never asks about how i am doing or what i'm busy with.
Every time we quarrel, he never fails to bring up things like "maybe you should go find your perfect guy somewhere else" or "i just want an ideal girlfriend", things that suggest that we should part ways.
Recently we got into a huge argument over something minor that was my fault, and he said truckloads of hurtful stuff to me. Things like "i don't give a fuck if you are hungry, that's your problem. The thing is, I'm hungry". And when i try to apologise for my actions that i sincerely felt was wrong, he pushed me away, swore at me and said something like "don't touch me, i don't give a single fuck about your sorry". And when i asked why he wasn't appreciative of the time i sacrificed for him, he said "All you do is take taxi over to my house" and when i clarified the fact that i am a student and i don't earn to be able to pay for taxi fare to and from his house, he said "i don't give a fuck. That's your problem. I didn't say you couldn't take taxi." And after that he went on to say how ever since i came into his life, i spent my weekends with him and so he doesn't have time to go out with his friends, go to bars and how i don't like it when he goes to club. Thing is, throughout the time we spent together he never brought up these issues. It just seems like he said all this out of anger. And all this happened after he told me to leave his house at around 8pm when it was already dark. He just said "Just leave, i don't want to see you again" and even went on to ask me if he needed me to open the door for him. I believe he treats his parents, loved ones and ex-girlfriend like this too because his parents don't really like talking to him.
Thing is, i did love him. I loved him alot. I tried to understand that he's tired, stressed, angry. And i used to complain that he didn't text me enough, didn't give me enough attention but i stopped because i knew i was being unreasonable. I stopped demanding for so much attention. Maybe i didn't know how to express it properly but i did love him. I would always look forward to Fridays because i'd get to see him and hug him after a whole week of not talking and communicating much. That whole incident tore me apart, being told by someone you love so much to leave and they didn't want to see you again. I just don't know how to fight back or stand up for myself anymore.
He did apologise after that and told me that he would never tell me to leave or say such things again. He told me he still loved me and that he still cares. To be fair, he does bring me out for dinners, meals and pays for alot of the stuff.
I thought about this for the entire night and decided that it was time to leave this toxic relationship. I cut off all contact with him and just left. Right now, i am trying to stay positive so that i can start the healing process. Its difficult because i am constantly replaying all the hurtful things he said to me in my head and i'm constantly beaten down. I feel bad about myself and i feel that i'm not worth anything. Also, i keep getting the urge to contact him and return to the vicious cycle again. (I haven't so far)
My question is, what could i have done better? Is he the problem or am I the problem? Conflicts are bound to arise because we are two different people. People quarrel to fix problems, come to a compromise or understand the reason for the other party's actions, not to blame each other for their differences. What could i have done better to get my point across without sounding like i'm blaming the other party? Can i blame him entirely for treating his loved ones like this or does he have some other deep seated issues that he didn't tell me? Is he just stressed from NS and taking it out on me? Is there any way i can help him even though we have broken up?
I am not the best girlfriend, but i want to be a better girlfriend in my next relationship. Thanks for reading guys :)
It can be considered a toxic relationship because when he loses his temper, he lashed it out uncontrollably like a barbed whip. And because you are on the receiving end, I am sure the impact is debilitating. Somehow, he doesn't seem competent in having the ability to manage his feelings reasonably and may have difficulty in dealing with relational-trust-emotional-intimacy issues.
From your writing, I can tell that you really want to help him. However, before you decide to plunge into this love version of messiah complex, be very mindful of the fact that leading a relationship isnt tantamount to doing social work. More often than not, your engagement would naturally involve certain degree of personal cost and sacrifice - which is also ultimately meaningless because you are technically out of the picture already (namely no longer in the relationship with him).
By asking how you could do better is already an indication to me that you will surely become a better girlfriend. The philosophy is not so much about the 'how', but more on the 'why'.
"Why is being a better girlfriend so important for you?"
My assumption for the above question (on your behalf) is that you probably want a fulfilling relationship that could hopefully last till the end and you want to make sure that the only controllable factor - which is yourself - can be tweak to improve the probability of that happening.
If I am largely right, then ultimately, self growth with volition will surely lead you to quality and excellence.
***
There are some probable directions for you to proceed via self discovery and I will frame it in four questions for you to ponder about (you don't really have to answer me though):
i) What attracts you to this guy? (e.g. he is dependable)
ii) How come you are attracted to these qualities/example mentioned? (because I like stability in a man).
iii) What are the 'side effect' of being attracted to these sort of qualities/example mentioned? (e.g. he is boring).
iv) If what you want is a fulfilling relationship, then for the qualities/example mentioned above, are these qualities/example fundamental for you to ensure a fulfilling relationship (in your perspective)? (e.g. between fun needs and stability, it is fundamentally more important for me to be in a stable relationship).
Cheers
Four Facet of Love: i
The pioneer breath of magic that give rise to the initial ideas being impressed onto matter - with matters being the relationship. How pristine in the world of forms preached by Plato, only to realize that matters, being the relationship, are but imperfection of the highest lofty image of ideas in love.
Four Facet of Love: ii
Our inadequacy to manage this internal expectation often sink us into greater tragedy of love. Though painful as it seemed to inflict this awareness onto our soul, the delight in basking this sweet torment is an irony that promotes an emotional mind and defy rationality.
Four Facet of Love: iii
When Love begin its journey, it will surely encounter the four facet of love. Four seemingly identical windows; four different dimensions. We see ourselves in the first. Only to give for our second. After the third we receive, Finally we understand the Middle Way.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Aunt Agony 221214
Originally posted by Rock_Sugar:
Hi all, I had this situation which bother me for quite sometime. Maybe I need someone to talk to or a good brother and sister here can offer me a constructive advice on how to deal with my current situation.
In the middle of this year, I met this girl from Thailand via online, I thought to myself that it would be a bonus thing to have an additional overseas friend. So we have been constantly keeping in touch.
Moving forward, I booked a flight to Bangkok for 4 days in the mid of Nov to celebrate my birthday. I asked her if she’s interested to tag along as I’ve booked a room for 2. She agreed immediately. So that night when I landed at Bangkok, I meet up with her and she tour me around the place as I’m relatively new to Bangkok. When I’m with her, she gave me the unwanted attention such as hugging and touching, we had some physical intimacy but there’s no sexual involved.
The next day as it was my birthday, that night we went to drink, she surprised me with a birthday cake which got my attention on her even more.
As the time goes on, I feel that I beginning to fall for her very deeply.
4 days has passed and I’m flying back to Singapore, I kept on thinking of her since I landed back approximately a month ago.
I thought to myself that it may be a temporary lust and would eventually go away in a couple of days but unfortunately it didn’t end here.
I’ve returned to work and my mind kept on lingering about her. Felt extremely distracted and couldn’t focus, it’s only a temporary fun time there and I probably wouldn’t want to contact her unless I wanted to go to Bangkok again.
I consult my friend who is better dealing in relationship, he advice that Thailand is very popular of this love spell, witchcraft, etc and maybe I have been infected by her works, I can’t be certain and I wouldn’t want to jump into conclusion.
Every night when I got into bed, I kept thinking of her again and again. It’s already a month since I went to Bangkok and it’s never end. The feeling is overwhelming. Please advice. Thanks in advance.
Actually, you did not articulate your real concern, so I can only infer based on what you have shared.
I am assuming that you are single: seemed to me that you are worried about forming a relationship with this girl, whom I assumed that you are worried about her having hidden agenda beyond that of a simple friendship.
I don't know about witchcraft but surely if that is what you are experiencing, then the sorcery is probably called infatuation; it affect millions of people all over the world with varying intensity. Hence the conclusion you need is not about trying to break some 'dark enchantment spell', but rather the critical insights to understand what are you lacking in your current situation that is being fulfilled through your interaction with her.
If there is a subconscious need for longing of intimacy (doesn't matter if it's a short term lust or a desire for long term love and belonging), then your experience with her merely manifested and mirrored what you are actually going through internally - in other words, imagine some kind of wild surge happening and you inevitably become the target of your own spell.
I have two questions:
i) What is stopping you from pursing this relationship further?
ii) I am curious about the idea behind your initial intention when you book a room for 2 and asked her along; for someone you don't really know very well (vice versa) and for her to accept your proposal, my guess is that it somehow already set the stage for the type of experience you should be anticipating. Hence, I honestly think that you shouldn't feel as startled about the 'unwanted attention' because the logical sequencing of unfolding events are within expectation.
Cheers
Hi all, I had this situation which bother me for quite sometime. Maybe I need someone to talk to or a good brother and sister here can offer me a constructive advice on how to deal with my current situation.
In the middle of this year, I met this girl from Thailand via online, I thought to myself that it would be a bonus thing to have an additional overseas friend. So we have been constantly keeping in touch.
Moving forward, I booked a flight to Bangkok for 4 days in the mid of Nov to celebrate my birthday. I asked her if she’s interested to tag along as I’ve booked a room for 2. She agreed immediately. So that night when I landed at Bangkok, I meet up with her and she tour me around the place as I’m relatively new to Bangkok. When I’m with her, she gave me the unwanted attention such as hugging and touching, we had some physical intimacy but there’s no sexual involved.
The next day as it was my birthday, that night we went to drink, she surprised me with a birthday cake which got my attention on her even more.
As the time goes on, I feel that I beginning to fall for her very deeply.
4 days has passed and I’m flying back to Singapore, I kept on thinking of her since I landed back approximately a month ago.
I thought to myself that it may be a temporary lust and would eventually go away in a couple of days but unfortunately it didn’t end here.
I’ve returned to work and my mind kept on lingering about her. Felt extremely distracted and couldn’t focus, it’s only a temporary fun time there and I probably wouldn’t want to contact her unless I wanted to go to Bangkok again.
I consult my friend who is better dealing in relationship, he advice that Thailand is very popular of this love spell, witchcraft, etc and maybe I have been infected by her works, I can’t be certain and I wouldn’t want to jump into conclusion.
Every night when I got into bed, I kept thinking of her again and again. It’s already a month since I went to Bangkok and it’s never end. The feeling is overwhelming. Please advice. Thanks in advance.
Actually, you did not articulate your real concern, so I can only infer based on what you have shared.
I am assuming that you are single: seemed to me that you are worried about forming a relationship with this girl, whom I assumed that you are worried about her having hidden agenda beyond that of a simple friendship.
I don't know about witchcraft but surely if that is what you are experiencing, then the sorcery is probably called infatuation; it affect millions of people all over the world with varying intensity. Hence the conclusion you need is not about trying to break some 'dark enchantment spell', but rather the critical insights to understand what are you lacking in your current situation that is being fulfilled through your interaction with her.
If there is a subconscious need for longing of intimacy (doesn't matter if it's a short term lust or a desire for long term love and belonging), then your experience with her merely manifested and mirrored what you are actually going through internally - in other words, imagine some kind of wild surge happening and you inevitably become the target of your own spell.
I have two questions:
i) What is stopping you from pursing this relationship further?
ii) I am curious about the idea behind your initial intention when you book a room for 2 and asked her along; for someone you don't really know very well (vice versa) and for her to accept your proposal, my guess is that it somehow already set the stage for the type of experience you should be anticipating. Hence, I honestly think that you shouldn't feel as startled about the 'unwanted attention' because the logical sequencing of unfolding events are within expectation.
Cheers
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Aunt Agony 151114
Originally posted by Blackops 74:
Hi All
Currently I am serving NS. There's this girl whom was my previous poly classmate. We are together for 3 Years 2 months whom just called it quits with me over Family Related Issues and Time Commitment as I am currently in NS. And as I do shift work my weekends are not guranteed.
She broke the news first to me via text as first saying she is considering our relationship as she was very stress with her studies, personal commitments, Family Issues as well as Extra Curricular Activities in school. We thrashed matters over massage as she was busy mugging for her Quizzes up in a few days time. I even dropped by her school to look for her unannounced to tell her how much I miss her and love her and we talked for a bit before she told me she needed a cooling period to cool off.
Honestly I was devastated and smothered her with messages of how much I love and miss her daily and even called her but to no avail during the cooling off period. I know I should not have done this after consulting some of my friends.
After 1 week she texted me saying she thought enough and that she came to a decision. That she don't think that we can ever resolve the issues that she thinks are problems in our relationship. I replied citing to meet up for her to break the news to me as a courtesy of our 3 years relationship and she agreed to the meet up after her upcoming exams.
I asked her to allow me to buy her a meal when she came over for the agreed agenda. As I really love her and want to chase her back to be part of my life.
Any Recommendations or advice you could give me to make this turnaround a success?
Certainty it sucks having to experience break-up during NS period - especially given that, though you may desire to spend more quality time with her, you are probably fettered by regimental constrains that shackle your time in a major way.
She seemed to have made a calibrated decision and the mutual factors of physical and emotional distance would probably aid her to exit readily. Hence, your chances are probably slim - even if you win this single battle of 'winning her back' now - this relationship would not likely to survive a protracted war.
You are already doing your best in trying to secure a date with her insofar as you could brandish a fighting chance to convey what you need in hope of having to touch her enough to come back. However, my sense is that any attempt at behaving melodramatically (from you) is likely to reinforce the symbolic message that her choice (to leave this relationship) is more likely to be right than wrong.
She does not actively appear to look for resolving problems in the relationship; she probably gave up trying to manage them and calls to abandon ship - with or without your consent.
P.S: You might feel bitter over this brutal callous reality that she chose to leave you at this juncture - but perhaps some love are akin to bubbles; they are not made to last forever and burst instantly in face of gnawing adversity.
I am sure it is amazingly beautiful while it lasted.
Unfortunately, we can't control when bubbles will disappear - just like we have no control over when love will crumble from within.
Cheers
Hi All
Currently I am serving NS. There's this girl whom was my previous poly classmate. We are together for 3 Years 2 months whom just called it quits with me over Family Related Issues and Time Commitment as I am currently in NS. And as I do shift work my weekends are not guranteed.
She broke the news first to me via text as first saying she is considering our relationship as she was very stress with her studies, personal commitments, Family Issues as well as Extra Curricular Activities in school. We thrashed matters over massage as she was busy mugging for her Quizzes up in a few days time. I even dropped by her school to look for her unannounced to tell her how much I miss her and love her and we talked for a bit before she told me she needed a cooling period to cool off.
Honestly I was devastated and smothered her with messages of how much I love and miss her daily and even called her but to no avail during the cooling off period. I know I should not have done this after consulting some of my friends.
After 1 week she texted me saying she thought enough and that she came to a decision. That she don't think that we can ever resolve the issues that she thinks are problems in our relationship. I replied citing to meet up for her to break the news to me as a courtesy of our 3 years relationship and she agreed to the meet up after her upcoming exams.
I asked her to allow me to buy her a meal when she came over for the agreed agenda. As I really love her and want to chase her back to be part of my life.
Any Recommendations or advice you could give me to make this turnaround a success?
Certainty it sucks having to experience break-up during NS period - especially given that, though you may desire to spend more quality time with her, you are probably fettered by regimental constrains that shackle your time in a major way.
She seemed to have made a calibrated decision and the mutual factors of physical and emotional distance would probably aid her to exit readily. Hence, your chances are probably slim - even if you win this single battle of 'winning her back' now - this relationship would not likely to survive a protracted war.
You are already doing your best in trying to secure a date with her insofar as you could brandish a fighting chance to convey what you need in hope of having to touch her enough to come back. However, my sense is that any attempt at behaving melodramatically (from you) is likely to reinforce the symbolic message that her choice (to leave this relationship) is more likely to be right than wrong.
She does not actively appear to look for resolving problems in the relationship; she probably gave up trying to manage them and calls to abandon ship - with or without your consent.
P.S: You might feel bitter over this brutal callous reality that she chose to leave you at this juncture - but perhaps some love are akin to bubbles; they are not made to last forever and burst instantly in face of gnawing adversity.
I am sure it is amazingly beautiful while it lasted.
Unfortunately, we can't control when bubbles will disappear - just like we have no control over when love will crumble from within.
Cheers
Monday, November 03, 2014
Aunt Agony 031114
Originally posted by sggalgal:
Hey guys,
Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.
Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.
1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.
2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!
3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!
4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?
5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:
Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)
Her: Need ask my mum first worx
Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.
Her: going with new bf lo! haha. :).
Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de
Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.
What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??
6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?
7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.
8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?
9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...
Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..
Thanks alot...
Heartbroken boy...
Sounds like you are undergoing period of extreme distress. Surely, it must have been terrible to experience the change of attitude towards the relationship and for you to feel disconnected from your significant other in accentuated tangible manner.
There seemed to be serious fissures in your relationship; my guess is that communication channel appears to be broken. Even though there might be reconciliation efforts to bridge understanding by talking about issues - my hypothesis would be that any attempt to gain insights are likely to be marred by blaming stance that would fuel arguments and/or incongruence in communication patterns.
This is not likely to be an overnight change; transformation would have manifested prior before your revelation and way before your internal alarm started shrieking uncontrollably.
***
It's arduous (next to impossible) to do any form of recovery work if 'to-surface-the-white-elephant-in-the-room' conversation doesn't occur. What I mean is that you already have some form of intuitive conclusion that she might be planning a strategic exit through inductive reasoning of your experience in your relationship with her. Hence, to confront this conclusion is critical if you want to know if your premises are true but the conclusion be false. This would result in invalidity of your knowledge of what's really happening in the relationship and allows opportunity to raise conversation to truly find out the source of change and possibility of working for positive resolution.
As it is likely that the decomposition of the relationship has probably inflicted great deal of damage, any delay would probably lengthen your unspoken suffering and the excruciating pain of ambivalence.
Surely 3.5 years of relationship is at stake; however without reflective evaluation of your current relationship, any years beyond this point merely serve as a number trophy that is ultimately meaningless.
Cheers
Hey guys,
Hopefully i can find my answers here.. I am really confused right now. Recently, my girlfriend of 3.5 years started changing after knowing a malaysian guy at her workplace.
Here is a start: When she started working at that place in woodlands, she came to know a malaysian guy which she called sissy sam. Recently, she changed alot and it is really making me feel unsettled.
1. She jumps to that guy's defence when i said he is a sissy while we are talking (She is the one that told me that guy is a sissy and a gigolo). She also keeps mentioning that guy so often until i am so pissed. I also saw photo in her phone which they took together closely side by side while she is scrolling through the gallery.
2. She dolls up alot more often. She suddenly started wearing heavy make up as well as donning really short skirts. I also caught her washing those really sexy lingerie which she only wore when we have intimate couple moments (told me that it made her very 'high' and make her go into the mood for sex). When confronted, she said that she ran out of underwear to wear. (Thats complete bullshit). She refuse to wear it when we had sex during the past few months even after i told her to. She claims it is uncomfortable!
3. She brought clothes for that malaysian guy as well as me. She told me that the clothes was a gift from her mum (Lying). She even show a great deal of concern about the fit of clothes on the malaysian guy and asked for pics of the malaysian guys wearing them while she did not even asked about mine. ( found out when i snooped through her message). I did not even know that the malaysian guy has it as well!
4. She refuses to have sex as well as rejecting my sexual advance. She had also stopped initiating sex and physical contact. She claimed that she wants to be a good girl and wait till marriage. Seriously?
5. She asked that guy out a couple of times (she did not even asked me out for the past few months. We only go out when i asked to)and that malaysian guy even asked her to go jb with him. This is how the conversation went:
Guy: we go jb do tgt lah (facial or smth)
Her: Need ask my mum first worx
Guy: Lie to your mum and say going with bf (me) lah.
Her: going with new bf lo! haha. :).
Guy: I know u kidding la. i know we impossible de
Her: Sometimes impossible de stuffs also can happen de.
What the heck is she trying to pull here??? Can someone enlighten me?They also chatted frequently through the night and plan outing tgt while i am sleeping. (Snooped her messages). We have been tgt for 3.5 years alry.. She wont even go to chalet with me but want to go jb with him??
6. My gf started asking me wierd question such as if she could go out with her friends or anything. Why would she even ask that? Trying to make herself feel better for going out with that 'friend' of hers?
7. When we go out, the PDA is still there. But when we are alone, there is none at all.
8. She demands to know where i am everytime.. When i took a bus to her house, she would keep asking about where i am as well as what time i am reaching.etc. is she trying to hide something?
9. She refuse to meet any of my friends anymore even though she knew all of them. We were all ex classmates. She does not want to come to my hse anymore as well...
Guys, I am really feeling shitty here. i am so confused and angry. I even picked up smoking because of this matter. I can't feel her anymore. I know it is wrong for me to snoop her phone. But if i dont, i would have been made to wear green hat without even knowing it.. So guys, please give me some advice. I am really going to snap soon... Any advice will do.. Please dont read and close without replying.. My heart is really hurting as i am typing it... So pls..
Thanks alot...
Heartbroken boy...
Sounds like you are undergoing period of extreme distress. Surely, it must have been terrible to experience the change of attitude towards the relationship and for you to feel disconnected from your significant other in accentuated tangible manner.
There seemed to be serious fissures in your relationship; my guess is that communication channel appears to be broken. Even though there might be reconciliation efforts to bridge understanding by talking about issues - my hypothesis would be that any attempt to gain insights are likely to be marred by blaming stance that would fuel arguments and/or incongruence in communication patterns.
This is not likely to be an overnight change; transformation would have manifested prior before your revelation and way before your internal alarm started shrieking uncontrollably.
***
It's arduous (next to impossible) to do any form of recovery work if 'to-surface-the-white-elephant-in-the-room' conversation doesn't occur. What I mean is that you already have some form of intuitive conclusion that she might be planning a strategic exit through inductive reasoning of your experience in your relationship with her. Hence, to confront this conclusion is critical if you want to know if your premises are true but the conclusion be false. This would result in invalidity of your knowledge of what's really happening in the relationship and allows opportunity to raise conversation to truly find out the source of change and possibility of working for positive resolution.
As it is likely that the decomposition of the relationship has probably inflicted great deal of damage, any delay would probably lengthen your unspoken suffering and the excruciating pain of ambivalence.
Surely 3.5 years of relationship is at stake; however without reflective evaluation of your current relationship, any years beyond this point merely serve as a number trophy that is ultimately meaningless.
Cheers
Sunday, November 02, 2014
Aunt Agony 021114
Originally posted by MssyJo:
Need some 3rd party opinion on what happened.
I am deciding if I should try and salvage this rs or I should move on.. we are only 2 months in this rs. I know its new. But, i don't really wish to just let it go like this, yet, I don't know if he is worth holding on to?
Knew him in June this year thru a event. We hit off very well & we dated. So eventually we got together in end Aug. He was all along pretty ok to me, and i thought nothing bad about him until this saga. He appears to be a proper guy who treats a lady well. But theres a lot of times he always tells me he is earning a lot and he wants to spend it on gf (which was me) so he always tells me not pay for anything. I feel that he gets satisfaction from being superior, Somehow i get the feel that he is a MCP.
Anyway heres the issue:
It started off as on Monday, he suggested to do a day trip JB for spa treatment & he asked if I can take leave. I agreed to it, so we planned it to be on Thursday. I remembered he ever told me before he doesn't dare to drive in to Jb previously. So I asked him how do he intend to go in this time round? He told me will drive in. So I take it as he has thought about it. Then he proposed to do a stayover on wed night in JB to avoid the morning jam even tho I told him theres no need to do so, he insisted he wants to do so. I find it amusing but I still agree to his plans anyway. So we arranged that he pick me up at 10pm and we will go in jb.
But at around 8pm, he suddenly dropped me a text. He said he think its better NOT to drive there at night. A bit worried. Shall we take a bus in & then cab to the hotel instead?
I was quite taken aback when he suddenly have this change of mind. But I replied him that I am not too sure about this cos, honestly, taking a cab in JB at night is not really a good idea to me. I personally had a bad experience with JB cabbies. I mean if its so much of a concern for him then why not go in the next day then? its daytime afterall.
Then I still jokingly say :aiyo bf u very cute leh if u don't dare to drive in at night then u shldnt suggest a stay over mah.... I tot u shld have considered this b4 hand & I did ask u about it mah right?
then he just replied me : OK
I then told him then that's the case maybe I think we don't go in at night as I rather we take a bus in the next day, daytime since he is not comfy to drive in.
He replied me: I tot taxi should be easy. If I drive, u r ok?
But before I could reply anything, he suddenly replied, Ok , Nvm forget it then. I asked him forget what thing? Is he unhappy or something?
He just replied me: Its ok.
I sensed something is wrong so i asked him, bf, if u are unhappy I would like to know what happened, did I say something wrong here?
He then told me that he was excited to go in but was disappointed cos he didn't realise that I am not accommodative to his suggestion to take a cab in. But nvm. he will cancel the hotel and we go in tml.
So I replied him, maybe I can explain myself. I told him its not that I am not ok with taking bus or cab, its just that there's really potential danger to take cabs at night. But having say that, I am flexible to other ideas. but it seems like he is unhappy with me not taking his suggestions.
then he said its ok we will go in tml.
But u see the point is, all these abrupt sudden change of decisions here & there, & his unhappiness etc makes me feel that i no longer feels like going after such a hoo-ha. we will be pulling a long face to each other tml. i don't want to meet up just for the sake of doing so.
And honestly, i tot i should be the one having the need to be upset for this sudden change of plans, which i didn't.
So i told him maybe tml don't go in, go in another time.
He just replied OK.
I told him, i don't want both of us to pull a long face when we see each other (cos i am abit scared of him giving me black faces tml) Then he totally ignored me until the next day. i cldnt take it, i called him, wanting to talk things out, asking him how can we solve this incident?
He didn't really want to listen to me but just only tells me he don't see why I decided not to go in eventually & he finds me unaccommodating not to take a cab in when he feels that its perfectly ok. I asked him, have u travelled to JB often? have u took a cab at night in jb before? He say not really.
So i told him, he needs to understand my concerns as well. i am worried for both our safety. I feel that he is not receptive with what i said, so i told him i cant really stand petty guys. I told him to think about it and we ended the call. Then after awhile that's when he dropped me the bomb. he told me he wants a breakup. he says i am too strong for him, not accommodative enough. He is more suitable for a accommodating girl.
Well. all these while i have been always very flexible with whatever his plans is. i just follow what he wants to do. He himself keeps telling me that he finds me very easy to be with, i am very easy going with all his plans. And now for the 1st time i have my own opinions. And he wants to end it? ?
i mean, perhaps he feels that i didn't put things in a nice words enough to him (maybe miscommuncation?) for the whole of this exchange. But i really didn't flare up at all. i was making my statement.
& after he text me for the breakup, I still tried calling him twice, but he refused to answer my calls.
So i replied him in a fit of anger, "asking him is this really what he wants?"
"& if u doesn't even want to give me a proper closure it speaks a lot about u. & u are quite a different person whom u claims to be. i guess the feelings wasn't strong enough for both of us. i have done my part in reaching out but u ignored me tho i find it disappointing too."
"& u r not alone. i too, find that our character doesn't match. u r a nice guy. but i probably prefer a man who is not too narrow-minded and is willing to work things out, making decisions together instead of jumping into conclusions alone. & not being a hypocrite who appears to be a pleaser where in actual fact who just wants his way.
Good luck to finding a accommodating girl. & u r right, with such a mindset of urs, u r indeed more suited for GIRLS.
Yes, at this point, I know my reply might be harsh. But I really felt very maligned and hurt by him, by just wanting to pack up & go without even wanting to seek for a compromise between us. I don't know if I should regret with my reply to him.
Ladies, (or guys) what do u think u would do now? Is he trying to do this to seek for attention?
Please.... I need really concrete sound advise before I decide to salvage or to let go from here...
Anyway we havent been talking since then.
I decided to make the 1st move to call him on Wed. He answered my call & i told him i thought about it these few days & wanted to talk things out. I told him i have been repeatedly reading our msges & realised that its a misunderstanding for the whole incident & hence the hoo-ha.
He told me he did read our msges repeatedly too and he was telling me how he felt. He said i was the one who told him i wanna a breakup 1st.
I told him i dont wish to end things just because of this. Its our 1st quarrel and we are still trying to know each other.
Then he suddenly ask me can we talk face to face instead. BUT, he is flying off until next week. I asked him flying for work? He said no. I was quite shocked that he is flying cos i remembered he has a very hectic schedule this week at work.
He told me the reason he is flying is cos, SG is very bored & its becos of ME, i think he is very badly hurted and he wanted a break so he just book a tix & fly.
When he told me he is flying, i didnt know how to react & i went silent. He did immediately tries to explain to me its a last minute decision & he just needs a getaway.
So we agreed to meet up next week for talk when he is back.
Do you think we still have a chance?
You probably realized that the amount of reactive response intended (at that moment) to hurt wasn't helping you to build a closer relationship. I am sure you are also hurt by his response insofar that it triggered your inner aggression akin to unsheathing your dagger after kicking him down, so as to stab a couple more times the appease the pride anger.
There are probably two issues:
i) You don't really know him very well and pride is one of the greatest obstacles to any potentially good relationship. Surely the first quarrel would provide great insights into what is there to expect should you continue to pursue this relationship. Hence, you have to decide if this is fundamentally an nonnegotiable compatibility issues that you can or cannot work around.
ii) There are poor conflict management within the relationship and would require some level of serious HTHT to teeth out some critical issues by negotiating and agreeing on some workable format for your relationship. Surely for him to escape overseas because he has been 'badly injured emotionally' may sound somewhat ridiculous/irrational, but it is likely to be his (could be) usual coping mechanism.
It is good that you plan to meet with him to talk things out; both of you might want to have some resolution with regards to (1) how we can avoid wounding each other when we are angry (2) how can we be mindful when we express ourselves.
Cheers
Need some 3rd party opinion on what happened.
I am deciding if I should try and salvage this rs or I should move on.. we are only 2 months in this rs. I know its new. But, i don't really wish to just let it go like this, yet, I don't know if he is worth holding on to?
Knew him in June this year thru a event. We hit off very well & we dated. So eventually we got together in end Aug. He was all along pretty ok to me, and i thought nothing bad about him until this saga. He appears to be a proper guy who treats a lady well. But theres a lot of times he always tells me he is earning a lot and he wants to spend it on gf (which was me) so he always tells me not pay for anything. I feel that he gets satisfaction from being superior, Somehow i get the feel that he is a MCP.
Anyway heres the issue:
It started off as on Monday, he suggested to do a day trip JB for spa treatment & he asked if I can take leave. I agreed to it, so we planned it to be on Thursday. I remembered he ever told me before he doesn't dare to drive in to Jb previously. So I asked him how do he intend to go in this time round? He told me will drive in. So I take it as he has thought about it. Then he proposed to do a stayover on wed night in JB to avoid the morning jam even tho I told him theres no need to do so, he insisted he wants to do so. I find it amusing but I still agree to his plans anyway. So we arranged that he pick me up at 10pm and we will go in jb.
But at around 8pm, he suddenly dropped me a text. He said he think its better NOT to drive there at night. A bit worried. Shall we take a bus in & then cab to the hotel instead?
I was quite taken aback when he suddenly have this change of mind. But I replied him that I am not too sure about this cos, honestly, taking a cab in JB at night is not really a good idea to me. I personally had a bad experience with JB cabbies. I mean if its so much of a concern for him then why not go in the next day then? its daytime afterall.
Then I still jokingly say :aiyo bf u very cute leh if u don't dare to drive in at night then u shldnt suggest a stay over mah.... I tot u shld have considered this b4 hand & I did ask u about it mah right?
then he just replied me : OK
I then told him then that's the case maybe I think we don't go in at night as I rather we take a bus in the next day, daytime since he is not comfy to drive in.
He replied me: I tot taxi should be easy. If I drive, u r ok?
But before I could reply anything, he suddenly replied, Ok , Nvm forget it then. I asked him forget what thing? Is he unhappy or something?
He just replied me: Its ok.
I sensed something is wrong so i asked him, bf, if u are unhappy I would like to know what happened, did I say something wrong here?
He then told me that he was excited to go in but was disappointed cos he didn't realise that I am not accommodative to his suggestion to take a cab in. But nvm. he will cancel the hotel and we go in tml.
So I replied him, maybe I can explain myself. I told him its not that I am not ok with taking bus or cab, its just that there's really potential danger to take cabs at night. But having say that, I am flexible to other ideas. but it seems like he is unhappy with me not taking his suggestions.
then he said its ok we will go in tml.
But u see the point is, all these abrupt sudden change of decisions here & there, & his unhappiness etc makes me feel that i no longer feels like going after such a hoo-ha. we will be pulling a long face to each other tml. i don't want to meet up just for the sake of doing so.
And honestly, i tot i should be the one having the need to be upset for this sudden change of plans, which i didn't.
So i told him maybe tml don't go in, go in another time.
He just replied OK.
I told him, i don't want both of us to pull a long face when we see each other (cos i am abit scared of him giving me black faces tml) Then he totally ignored me until the next day. i cldnt take it, i called him, wanting to talk things out, asking him how can we solve this incident?
He didn't really want to listen to me but just only tells me he don't see why I decided not to go in eventually & he finds me unaccommodating not to take a cab in when he feels that its perfectly ok. I asked him, have u travelled to JB often? have u took a cab at night in jb before? He say not really.
So i told him, he needs to understand my concerns as well. i am worried for both our safety. I feel that he is not receptive with what i said, so i told him i cant really stand petty guys. I told him to think about it and we ended the call. Then after awhile that's when he dropped me the bomb. he told me he wants a breakup. he says i am too strong for him, not accommodative enough. He is more suitable for a accommodating girl.
Well. all these while i have been always very flexible with whatever his plans is. i just follow what he wants to do. He himself keeps telling me that he finds me very easy to be with, i am very easy going with all his plans. And now for the 1st time i have my own opinions. And he wants to end it? ?
i mean, perhaps he feels that i didn't put things in a nice words enough to him (maybe miscommuncation?) for the whole of this exchange. But i really didn't flare up at all. i was making my statement.
& after he text me for the breakup, I still tried calling him twice, but he refused to answer my calls.
So i replied him in a fit of anger, "asking him is this really what he wants?"
"& if u doesn't even want to give me a proper closure it speaks a lot about u. & u are quite a different person whom u claims to be. i guess the feelings wasn't strong enough for both of us. i have done my part in reaching out but u ignored me tho i find it disappointing too."
"& u r not alone. i too, find that our character doesn't match. u r a nice guy. but i probably prefer a man who is not too narrow-minded and is willing to work things out, making decisions together instead of jumping into conclusions alone. & not being a hypocrite who appears to be a pleaser where in actual fact who just wants his way.
Good luck to finding a accommodating girl. & u r right, with such a mindset of urs, u r indeed more suited for GIRLS.
Yes, at this point, I know my reply might be harsh. But I really felt very maligned and hurt by him, by just wanting to pack up & go without even wanting to seek for a compromise between us. I don't know if I should regret with my reply to him.
Ladies, (or guys) what do u think u would do now? Is he trying to do this to seek for attention?
Please.... I need really concrete sound advise before I decide to salvage or to let go from here...
Anyway we havent been talking since then.
I decided to make the 1st move to call him on Wed. He answered my call & i told him i thought about it these few days & wanted to talk things out. I told him i have been repeatedly reading our msges & realised that its a misunderstanding for the whole incident & hence the hoo-ha.
He told me he did read our msges repeatedly too and he was telling me how he felt. He said i was the one who told him i wanna a breakup 1st.
I told him i dont wish to end things just because of this. Its our 1st quarrel and we are still trying to know each other.
Then he suddenly ask me can we talk face to face instead. BUT, he is flying off until next week. I asked him flying for work? He said no. I was quite shocked that he is flying cos i remembered he has a very hectic schedule this week at work.
He told me the reason he is flying is cos, SG is very bored & its becos of ME, i think he is very badly hurted and he wanted a break so he just book a tix & fly.
When he told me he is flying, i didnt know how to react & i went silent. He did immediately tries to explain to me its a last minute decision & he just needs a getaway.
So we agreed to meet up next week for talk when he is back.
Do you think we still have a chance?
You probably realized that the amount of reactive response intended (at that moment) to hurt wasn't helping you to build a closer relationship. I am sure you are also hurt by his response insofar that it triggered your inner aggression akin to unsheathing your dagger after kicking him down, so as to stab a couple more times the appease the pride anger.
There are probably two issues:
i) You don't really know him very well and pride is one of the greatest obstacles to any potentially good relationship. Surely the first quarrel would provide great insights into what is there to expect should you continue to pursue this relationship. Hence, you have to decide if this is fundamentally an nonnegotiable compatibility issues that you can or cannot work around.
ii) There are poor conflict management within the relationship and would require some level of serious HTHT to teeth out some critical issues by negotiating and agreeing on some workable format for your relationship. Surely for him to escape overseas because he has been 'badly injured emotionally' may sound somewhat ridiculous/irrational, but it is likely to be his (could be) usual coping mechanism.
It is good that you plan to meet with him to talk things out; both of you might want to have some resolution with regards to (1) how we can avoid wounding each other when we are angry (2) how can we be mindful when we express ourselves.
Cheers
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Why Communicating in Relationship is so Difficult? (Part 1)
Just finished my entire lecture on Philosophy & God; finally have some quality time to blog.
Recently for some uncanny reasons, people ended up having conversation with me with themes associated with this topic "Why is it so difficult to communicate in relationship?" So here's Yunnie's my two cents.
Anxiousness is usually the main emotional driver revolving around the conundrum of 'whether I should talk to him/her about this?' The reasoning is simple: if you have an issue that is bugging you badly right now, you would probably weigh the 'worst case' scenario through sharing verses the potential gain of a good negotiation process.
As humans have Loss Aversion tendency (what this means is that we are more affected by the potential loss of anything than the potential gain of anything. Hence, we have tendency to avoid any form of loss), hence it appears that rationally, it may seem better not to raise potential thorny issues because we are afraid of the consequences arising from having such a conversation.
The risk is real; especially when you brandished deep psychological fears of the other party likely to respond in an unfavorable way. You are then self-conditioned to avoid raising such conversations because the 'worst case scenario' might be a break up - which is not an outcome that you desire.
A common struggle that many relationships face all the time is the delicate balance between managing good short term and long term goals of the relationship to ensure longevity in a meaningful sense. Obviously, no one steps into a relationship for mere love with quantity of time, but more critically,it is the profound sense of feeling loved and the wanting to love someone.
Raising difficult conversation brings about discomfort in the short term, but potentially allows greater stability to the long run. Avoiding essential conversations in the short term may ease our anxiety of not having to face short term turmoil, but it could potentially accumulates in disastrous long term famine that could be irrevocable.
Hence the ultimate question: are you in for the long haul in love? If your answer is yes, then long term stability through forming, norming and storming are important processes that would allow individual transformation to occur, insofar that the survival of the relationship could be ensured. When you have two uniquely different people coming together in a relationship - until they have master a way to manage their conflicts and mutually have their needs met simultaneously, the merciless passage of time will annihilate the relationship through various cosmic lessons presented to them in confusing forms.
I will construct an equation:
Premise 1: I want to be in the long haul for relationship
Premise 2: To remain in the long haul, long term stability is crucial.
Premise 3: Raising difficult conversations may bring about short term turmoil, but it would bring about greater long term stability in the relationship if executed effectively. Similarly, avoid raising difficult conversation in the short run would threaten long term stability in the relationship.
Conclusion:
Therefore to remain in the long haul, I would need to raise difficult conversation.
Therefore, the psychological fear of losing the relationship must be mitigated to allow some level of essential communication to take place in the short run if one were to desire a long term relationship.
"Then how we do execute it effectively?"
That's part 2 :)
Cheers
Monday, October 13, 2014
What makes for a stable marriage?
This is an insightful article; however, as the research is geared towards the American culture, it may not be so application in Asian society just as Singapore.
However, it is still much fun fact. Click Here to access the article.
Happy Reading! :D
However, it is still much fun fact. Click Here to access the article.
Happy Reading! :D
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