Thursday, July 23, 2009

Just for you

I realized I am getting acrimonious about my circumstances; something that I detest to see myself falling into.

Not surprisingly, considering how scums hide themselves in shadowy path while I strode on light.

As much as you reckon that you are quietly observing me from where your monitor is and displaying your pathetic keyboard warrior skills, let me reveal to you a shocking news - you have been under observation way before your brains could smell detection. Same goes to everyone of my bitchling contacts; they know who the hell you are, even if fire seared your face until it resembles your sad ass; you are a KNOWN entity.

I witnessed how you moved like a scully rodent, happily gnawing your way to where you think the cheeze went, totally oblivion to the fact that you are actually being led by the nose. You reckoned that the prize you seek is near, but in reality, very much further than you think it is. In fact, I doubt you will ever succeed in attaining even a fraction of what I had done.

I absolutely abhor imitators and I spit at you from the very depth of my soul with utter disgust and contempt. You know what? Interestingly in your subconscious, you were wishing that you were in my shoes - not in the literal sense, but from an abstract thought and POV (if you could comprehend my meaning).

Your futile effort and relentless spirit is ignorantly commendable because you will come to an epic realization that you will never achieve anything out from being a servile, hardworking manwhore. Even should you succeed in your attempt through sheer slavery employment, your short-lived contentment will be almost like a stray dog's quick lapping of milk, slipped carelessly from the edge of its master's lips.

I am not saying it as an taunt, in fact, if you think hard enough -you will see truth in my words.

P.S: I am so confident that you will read this. Among those that are not invited here, I am so fucking sure that you will self-invite your presence.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Aunt Agony 160709 (Follow up on AA 280209)

Originally posted by Jerry1:
Hi Folks,

I am back again..After 4 months after the incident which I've posted the thread below..I am still facing the same problems again..I am having the same old fears..I scared of being played out althought my gf sweared to me many times that she will not do such things ever again, will shoot by thunder etc..if any problem happens between us she will make sure that we do not have any links before she can find someone else to take care of her..But I cannot stop asking her for assurance every now and then and I also do not know what is wrong with me?

I do have a past history of OCD and was cured with medications 4 years ago and it seems to be triggered back again after feb 09 when I posted the thread below after knowing her past..

I really do not know how to make myself trust my gf, she was truthful to me for the past 7 months we been together..She also changed alot like starting to save money..Do not spend on unnecessary things..Also she will avoid any strange msn guys, also delete off any speeddate guys messages..She will discuss me on things first before proceeding..She also rejected some pervert msn guys looking for sex partners after I peep at her old msn history logs.

I also have a peep of her old msn history with the 2nd guy whom she was involved with in the previous thread.. Althought I know that she was dubed into such arrangements with that guy after seeing those messages.. "She kept on telling that guy that they should remain as friends and not to treat her so nice: (不要对我这样好就可以了) because she knows that there will be no outcome between them..but that guy kept on pesting her/treated her very nicely, told her that he cannot leave her & promised to give her commitments etc even if the family objects" She then decided to give that guy a chance for him to love her.

Another conversation with a mutual msn fren of her's after tat incident was: (真的好累好累!很想找一个来依靠。。可是原来世界不是我想象那样完美的咯!兜了一大圈原来到最后全部都是假的。。。所以我开始越来越不相信很多东西了。。其实我也是一个普通女孩子而已,难道要找一个真爱那么难吗? 我付出的我从没有要求回报过,可是到最后我给人家弄得多么残吗?别人把我当傻瓜。。)

After seeing those messages secretly, everyone in the right mind will think of her being played out & learned her lessons. But I still can't seem to stop worrying after all the information I've known and after her giving me lots of assurance.

I think my OCD is causing all these and wanted to put a stop to it.. I know that even if I get another gf with a nice background, this OCD will be causing problems between us..




Your association with OCD might have suggested generic links that might actually require intervention on the biological aspect of your issue other than just tweaking of psycho-social environment. To improve your overall competence in handling your own crisis, you might want to seek professional consultation to decide if your OCD is making a comeback.

If biology is indeed part of the influence, then there’s only so much your environment could do to reassure you. Only your psychiatrist can decide if medication or other form of intervention is needed to improve that aspect of your vulnerability.

However, for everything else, in name of all that mistrust (which you have decided that you can’t help but feel this way), it is but a devil in your emotional mind that constantly play tricks on your negative feelings. Your negativity will perpetuate a self-fulfilling prophesy and you will likely end up immolating your own relationship, even if it originally doesn’t steer towards doom fire.

The relationship doesn’t need another person to ruin it – by the natural flow of situation (without considering other factors) - this person will end up being yourself; you will suicide this relationship with your doings.

You see: she doesn’t need to cheat you – your mind would have probably succeeded in cheating you first, by distorting your reality and providing you deluded perspectives. For love cannot be chained – your effort spared to investigate her daily living will promote mistrust between couple and over the time, this behavior will consume you like how a demon would ensorcelled a foolish seeker to give up his soul.

Between Love and Fear – when you end up losing this relationship – Fear would have glee sadistically at your decision to believe in its false reality. And Love, which has the potential to blossom into a great relationship, is now nothing but withering and dead, with multiple stab wounds punctured by a blind man.

Love is blind – because most people end up destroying their relationship unconsciously. One that walks with no vision is no different from one that walks with no self awareness.

Both are blinded, albeit in different state.

Cheers

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Kayla x ShrodingersCat x Yunhaier

Originally posted by Kayla:

Apparently, I have fights (verbal) with my uncle almost every single time he's at home and he's really going over the top (making lots of noises and deliberately trying to damage stuff like the kitchen sink)

- He's currently staying with my family cos he isn't married (my grandma's house)

- He's always annoying me, my sis and my grandma (always asking questions repeatedly like "have you eaten" or saying lame stuff like "hello" when all of us are really busy with our own stuff and there he goes talking crap here and there

- He kept saying that me and my family (parents and sis) should just get out of the house cos this house's his (btw the house's under my grandma's name)

- Unemployed, stays at home most of the day talking crap and cleaning (using water as if it's free and the more we tell him the more intentional he gets)

- Another note: it's my parents who are dealing with the daily expenses and monthly bills (he doesn't pay a single cent)

- Gets money from my mother daily (if no $$, he will get keep on ranting on to my grandma so no choice)

- Tries to get money from me and my sis too

- Sometimes pretend to be sick to get money from my mum to see a doctor

It's as if we can't "offend" him bcos we're afraid that he will hurt/annoy my grandma whenever the family's out.

So um, after much contemplation, i've decided to seek some advice here on how to really deal with this guy who's really causing lots of troubles and headaches for us (finances and also mentally)



Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:

I used to have an uncle like that. From young, I would see him demanding money from my grandma to buy cigarettes. It lost my respect for him when I was young and since about 7 or 8 years old, I never greeted him or called him 'uncle' until he died. He used to like to talk 'rubbish' to us too, asking inconsequential things, but by behaving very rudely to him - he stopped.

I felt he was such a loser. No job, dependent on my grandma, and everytime we visited, he would be just there staring out at the corridor, smoking his endless chain of cigarettes. HOW to respect someone like that?

Well, one day, on our way home, my mom received a call from my grandma. My grandma said that my uncle had committed suicide.

You know what's my first reaction? Not pity - it was 'walao eh, that stupid loser die also must cause pain to everyone! especially my grandma!'

We went to my grandma's house immediately. For hours that night we were busy with the police, busy with settling all sorts of things.

While the 'elders' were busy, I was sitting there looking at this toy helicopter he left behind. it was a cheap helicopter, can only run round and round and round on the wheels. and the wheels were worn out and dirty.

Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round.

Throughout the funeral, little things about him came out. How he was the one who would cut my grandma's toenails for her. How he always helped her to clean the fan. How when he finally won a 4D prize (he buys them endlessly with her money), he bought a painting for the house. How before he died, he knocked at my grandma's door and asked her to talk to him because no one else did and she is the only one who bothers to.

And u know, now that I am typing allt his, it has been years and I still feel so sad because I realised I was just one of the people who have killed him slowly and surely all those years. I wondered if he was autistic, that is why he simply couldn't get along with people very well. He never asked the correct questions. In fact, towards the end, he never talked to anyone of us anymore. My mother told me he had been like this since he was young.

Would things have been different if I had been a little more patient, a little more tolerant? Take him a little less personally? I mean, besides being really 'irritating' and irresponsible - what else is he REALLY guilty of? is he an evil or bad person?

And if he is not really a bad person - why did i treat him the way I did? Cos I felt 'self righteous? That HE shouldnt be treating my grandma that way? Does it make me a better person than him?

His death taught me a lot of things. But I am very sad and ashamed that it takes a loss of a human life to teach me what I needed to know.



For a wasted life, in that moment of retrospection - nothing is truly more regretful. A human life, born out of rational mind and fed by substance of the earth, only ended up leading an meaningless life from cradle to grave - until ashes to ashes. By Nichiren Daishonin's term, it would probably meant that the unpolished gem remained unpolished, yet constantly assaulted by dirt and buried even under thicker layers of soot. Even until the day of his passing, he probably never knew what he inherently possess and the possibility of an individual in the creation of a legacy and divinity of one works that could surpass even the duration of our limited time.

I like that way Cat analysis and pen her words:

"Suddenly, I had a glimpse of this man's life - sitting all by himself in his room, no friends, no real family who cares for him, no work, nothing - just sitting there looking at his helicopter go round and round. "

There are so much one individual human being can hope to achieve, on the other end, one can also spent those time, aimlessly wander in limbo for all the time one can hope to achieve.

The world revolves at a much faster pace these days; so hasty that we are often unable to conduct a good conversation with another human being. Conversations are gradually filled with superficiality; although it is part of what a fast-pace society would do to communication, but it render human relationship less authentic and intimate and cause them to break down easily. I said this to someone 'in our reality, nobody has the time to sit down and listen to another person life story because this is the way how the world has work. Nobody gives a damn about your problem because it's not their problem'.

Alienation in words of Karl Marx and Weber are real phenomenon of society.

I remember a few weeks back, when this man (almost a stranger) came up to me and asked me what it takes to be a social worker. We had very good exchange, right in my office, where the world whizzed pass us with urgent requests and pending tasks to be completed - however, I still made the attempt to speak to him, even if that means I have to work later just to complete what I needed to do.

This man was much older than me (maybe almost ten years), but his visage revealed a worn-out man - someone who faced daily drudgery almost to a point of exhaustion. I questioned him and he naturally poured and shared with me some personal aspects of his life. Seriously, I have to thank him for the trust he has with me (you must understand that I am also pretty much a stranger to him as well as he is to me).

I realised I always end up playing such roles no matter where I went. Even at the brink destruction of my own relationship, that never cease. I met a few people during this low-period (you know who you are) and I must thank you for the time you have taken to be with me, even if it's just your presence, comforting words, prayers or intended lameness.

By doing so, you have tacitly revealed me that I am not just alone in a room, watching my helicopter spin all day round. :)




Cheers

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